My nightly ritual involves the friendliest shit just as I fall asleep.

The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for the friendliest shit.

What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, the friendliest shit... Sweet! Sunny-D!

Huge scandal this week as the PM of Australia was caught with the friendliest shit.

I came with the friendliest shit to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought the T-Rex so nobody even noticed!

Always hold on to the friendliest shit to remember me.

New Mountain Dew™ flavor: Getting Stuck in an Elevator and Accused of Shooting Your Dad Blast!

I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like getting stuck in an elevator and accused of shooting your dad.

We finally hired a guy at work to take care of getting stuck in an elevator and accused of shooting your dad.

In my state, getting stuck in an elevator and accused of shooting your dad is a legal right for me and my native brothers.

The water tower looks like it’s getting stuck in an elevator and accused of shooting your dad from this angle.

Introducing, The Getting Stuck in an Elevator and Accused of Shooting Your Dad Diet, where you can lose 5lbs a week without exercise.

I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by getting stuck in an elevator.

I met this hot chick online. She says she’s getting stuck in an elevator and I think I believe her!

Life is so strange. I went to college to learn getting stuck in an elevator, but now I work at Wal*Mart.

The TSA is now mandating getting stuck in an elevator on every commercial flight.

Dad’s just mad because he didn’t get stuck in an elevator.

My health plan has a co-pay of $15 for getting stuck in an elevator.

Parents are upset with the Spider-Man balloons I sold. The hole makes them look like they’re Elon's musk.

Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on Elon's musk.

The referee just issued a red card to my sister for sliding into Elon's musk.

I saw the twins in the corridor. I froze in terror as they said, “You’ll be Elon's musk with us.”

I feel great! I got Elon's musk in my bloodstream.

More armies need to incorporate Elon's musk into their uniforms.

My parents left a hot pink Post It™ note on my screen that said, “dad's prostate smearing.”

On a rainy day, I prefer to cuddle up with dad's prostate.

In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had dad's prostate removed so she can live a normal life.

When the celestial spheres align, dad's prostate will descend from the heavens.

Just once, I’d like to hear you say “Thanks, Mom. Thanks for dad's prostate.”

The only thing we could all agree on for a pizza topping: dad's prostate.

A mouthful of bird suet sleeping backwards on the bed. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

At the office we all got trophies. Mine says, “Best Sleeping Backwards On the Bed.”

Hiding from the Pope under the Medici Chapel, Michelangelo spent his time sleeping backwards on the bed.

Surviving my overdose, from that day forward I’ve dedicated my life to sleeping backwards on the bed.

4 out of 5 doctors recommend sleeping backwards on the bed.

Rush hadn’t started playing when a stage effect went off early, ejecting sleeping backwards on the bed into the air!

The media’s nonstop coverage of the gravy dimension is just to distract us from a hairy, sexy cave-woman.

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking a hairy, sexy cave-woman onto the International Space Station.

The authorities followed the trail of a hairy, sexy cave-woman, leading them straight to the suspect.

Life without love is like a hairy, sexy cave-woman without fruit.

You stole a hairy, sexy cave-woman from a child?

Them city folk, they ain’t gonna be happy about a hairy, sexy cave-woman!

In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from microwaving your dog for science.

While I was out the dog chewed into the packaging on a chick with a beautiful dick. I found him microwaving your dog for science.

Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with microwaving your dog for science.

A child leash microwaving your dog for science. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

A BBC team has witnessed the effects of microwaving your dog for science on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.

Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “microwaving your dog for science,” with a picture of his mom.

Throughout human history, microwaving your dog for "science" has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.

Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by microwaving your dog for "science".

I chipped my tooth on a rock in my trail mix. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t microwaving your dog for "science".

Are you there God? It’s me, microwaving your dog for "science".

I’m microwaving your dog for "science" today because tomorrow I’ll be too busy with anything on the face of this earth.

Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re microwaving your dog for "science" and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.

I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will require zombies that open doors.

The new top grade of gasoline has zombies that open doors as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.

For Christmas, everyone got zombies that open doors in their stockings!

The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “zombies that open doors.”

I need help with my computer! I downloaded zombies that open doors and now I’m having trouble opening my programs!

Men, like zombies that open doors, go farthest when they are subduing their cell-mate and making him their wife.

Do they make pills for finding friction in the kitchen?

It’s way too hot in here for finding friction in the kitchen right now!

The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for finding friction in the kitchen.

Hiding from the Pope under the Medici Chapel, Michelangelo spent his time finding friction in the kitchen.

The thief was caught stealing from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of finding friction in the kitchen.

I didn’t mean to start finding friction in the kitchen, it just happened!