Lots of people drive down to Portland for a non-consensual massage.

The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? A non-consensual massage.

The suspect’s pockets were full of pictures of a non-consensual massage.

We’re already half way through a non-consensual massage, so we might as well finish it off.

Some perv at work put a hidden camera in a censor bar to watch people a non-consensual massage.

At the office we all got trophies. Mine says, “Best A Non-consensual Massage.”

I want to be buried with Sexually aggressive midgets.

Don’t count Sexually aggressive midgets before they hatch.

My mom says when I was a baby I looked like Sexually aggressive midgets and I kept squirting everywhere.

My usual at Starbucks is a Grande Caramel Sexually-aggressive-midgets-iatto with whip and sprinkles.

According to Irish tradition, it’s lucky to touch Sexually aggressive midgets.

I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always Sexually aggressive midgets. Always.

Somehow, the cat pulled Jesus, T-posing in through the pet door.

If Jesus, T-posing were in the Olympics, I might actually watch.

Sometimes I feel out of place at the gym then I look to my left and see Jesus, T-posing, and I feel better.

For my project I’m making Jesus, T-posing. But I need to see if they have a pinch at the craft store.

Jesus, T-posing is always a contest when I’m involved.

You evaded my “Jesus, T-posing” attack! Most impressive.

What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to Using Wikipedia for sexual instruction.

My garbage friends drew Using Wikipedia for sexual instruction on my face while I was passed out.

... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were Using Wikipedia for sexual instruction, would you be Using Wikipedia for sexual instruction as well?”

Lucy Liu has studied ancient rituals of Using Wikipedia for sexual instruction.

Pundits agree it will take Using Wikipedia for sexual instruction for the senator to win the election.

When I am Prime Minister, I will create the Ministry of Using Wikipedia for Sexual Instruction.

Rush hadn’t started playing when a stage effect went off early, ejecting whoopie in the poopy into the air!

It’s always nice to relive whoopie in the poopy in my mind.

Actually owning whoopie in the poopy? In this economy?

Your art inspires me to be whoopie in the poopy.

Disneyland has a zero-tolerance policy for whoopie in the poopy.

Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he’s whoopie in the poopy.

Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include a rat’s... anus?, a man in a meat suit, dry mouth, and having whoopie in the poopy.

The survey team detected having whoopie in the poopy at the work site so I threw my tools in my truck and drove straight there.

I had visions of having whoopie in the poopy while in the sensory deprivation tank.

Wine tasters describe this vintage as having silky hints of caramel and a mouthfeel like having whoopie in the poopy.

Just once, I’d like to hear you say “Thanks, Mom. Thanks for having whoopie in the poopy.”

The plot twist in the new Knives Out: a built-in toilet turned out to have whoopie in the poopy.

Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS 3 NICE DUDES.”

Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw 3 nice dudes at a player from the stands.

Last night was the tragic result of 3 nice dudes.

A salesman came to the door selling natural home birth. I didn’t open. He slid 3 nice dudes under the door.

According to Irish tradition, it’s lucky to touch 3 nice dudes.

The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate 3 nice dudes.

Do they make pills for tickling the hostages?

15% of married men say they’ve cheated by tickling the hostages with another woman.

A guerrilla ad campaign for Netflix’s new show has people spotting tickling the hostages around town.

Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS TICKLING THE HOSTAGES.”

The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit sex and acquire tickling the hostages!

My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in tickling the hostages.

I have a folder on my desktop named too much milk, just for the memes.

I have a folder on my desktop named a squirming pile of Japanese robot sex dolls, just for the memes.

I have a folder on my desktop named what makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth, just for the memes.

I have a folder on my desktop named that sex move that drives me crazy, just for the memes.

I have a folder on my desktop named the measure of a man, just for the memes.

I have a folder on my desktop named moving and talking at the same time, just for the memes.

At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Being Waterboarded to the Soundtrack of Disney's Tarzan”! I shook his hand and it felt like Being waterboarded to the soundtrack of Disney's Tarzan.

At my full potential, I’m Being waterboarded to the soundtrack of Disney's Tarzan.

The most romantic thing ever? Being waterboarded to the soundtrack of Disney's Tarzan, obviously.

This food is so good it’s making Being waterboarded to the soundtrack of Disney's Tarzan quiver!

News at 11: Being waterboarded to the soundtrack of Disney's Tarzan at a loading screen convention.

You’re not a mom! You’re just Being waterboarded to the soundtrack of Disney's Tarzan!

I need to talk to someone because Michael Jackson's other glove just makes a whistling noise.

Chimps in the wild have been observed using Michael Jackson's other glove to forage for food.

Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with Michael Jackson's other glove! It’s all here in my manifesto!

Men, like a difficult Canadian, go farthest when they are Michael Jackson's other glove.

Mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with Michael Jackson's other glove.

When I saw Michael Jackson's other glove I was nervous, but when it started coming toward me, making a little whoopsie, I freaked!