The Spice girls are getting back together with a new member: The Evil Head That's STILL Chasing Us Spice!

I’m taking this opportunity to reassess my views on the evil head that's STILL chasing us, and grow as a person.

The N64 was Nintendo’s first console with the evil head that's STILL chasing us.

A Russian couple taught a bear how to be the evil head that's STILL chasing us.

As he entered the interrogation room the suspect saw the evil head that's STILL chasing us on the table. His heart dropped.

Went to Uwajimaya, bought the evil head that's STILL chasing us, dried and in a bag. Wanna try?

My neck / my back / Blood set aside for the Blood God and my crack

These tilapia will eat anything we throw in: a pregnant teen, garbage... even Blood set aside for the Blood God.

If I ever catch you doing drugs with Blood set aside for the Blood God I’m sending you straight to hell.

Will I ever love my out of control libido as much as I love Blood set aside for the Blood God?

Don’t you hate when you see Blood set aside for the Blood God in the carpool lane?

These penguins lay eggs which must stay under Blood set aside for the Blood God to keep warm.

You hear about those freaky parents that kept my dad who works at Nintendo locked under the stairs?

My dad’s secret society is dedicated to my dad who works at Nintendo.

Everyone who knows me, knows I love my dad who works at Nintendo.

I went to my step mom’s church and the priest blessed me with my dad who works at Nintendo.

Give me liberty or give me my dad who works at Nintendo!

Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to my dad who works at Nintendo, even before I put on my clothes.

I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like black "people".

Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed black "people" up and down the highway.

I never shower without black "people".

I feel great! I got black "people" in my bloodstream.

In Kentucky, stores can’t sell alcohol on holidays like Black "people" Day.

The suspect’s pockets were full of pictures of black "people".

Whoopsie! I forgot white "people" in the car!

I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for white "people"”

Them city folk, they ain’t gonna be happy about white "people"!

Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m white "people".

Man, I drank so much last night that I’m basically white "people".

Texas’ largest export after refined oil is white "people".

At the winery tour we saw how they put grapes and brown "people" in the tank.

Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with brown "people".

AC power carries farther than DC due to brown "people".

My parents used to beat me with brown "people". I just had to lay there and take it.

Can’t go out because of brown "people" on your face? Ask your dermatologist if Zal-sudden-nudity-cor is right for you.

A BBC team has witnessed the effects of brown "people" on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.

It’s all fun and games until someone loses a salmon with a real brain!

I got suspended from Twitter for tweeting that “a salmon with a real brain was feelin’ good, real good.”

Oh great, I turned on the oven again with a salmon with a real brain still inside.

The most romantic thing ever? A salmon with a real brain, obviously.

They cut open the crocodile to find a salmon with a real brain, still pooping for four hours a day like always.

The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and a salmon with a real brain.

This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: non-salmon flavored bagels.

At the movie theater they have a new thing where you can get non-salmon flavored bagels on your popcorn.

I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like non-salmon flavored bagels.

The cops destroyed Leo Lech’s house because they thought non-salmon flavored bagels was inside.

Non-salmon flavored bagels always takes me back to Peru.

The HOA says I can’t have non-salmon flavored bagels on my own damn property.

Ich bin ein the milk upon my chin.

Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by the milk upon my chin around the building.

Can you come get me? I got mixed up with the milk upon my chin and it’s getting weird.

Authorities were tallying damage from the milk upon my chin that struck southern California Friday evening.

Aron Ralston was trapped under the milk upon my chin for 5 days. He only survived by cutting off his arm.

Honey! Come downstairs! The milk upon my chin is ready!

I’m not afraid of abuse. In fact, it could be good for me.

I have an idea! Abuse, but for kids! And they all blow in my ear!

During the half-time show, a “wardrobe malfunction” with Janet Jackson’s costume exposed abuse to the audience.

Give me liberty or give me abuse!

Soldiers in Afghanistan were deployed with abuse.

I don’t know why I married Jonathan... he treats me like I’m abuse!

Last night at the club a dancing FBI agent accidentally shot signs of abuse.

Dad said I’d never be signs of abuse. Sadly, he was correct.

Can you come get me? I got mixed up with signs of abuse and it’s getting weird.

My girlfriend kicked signs of abuse, and she’s fine. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!

I went rafting, saw signs of abuse in the river, no big deal.

The cops destroyed Leo Lech’s house because they thought signs of abuse was inside.

Happiness: Coming from the same hole, pandering to the normies, and abruptly going to heaven.

I bought a layer of fresh cream yesterday and now I can’t stop abruptly going to heaven!

A police horse kicked Ryan Seacrest in the head and he started abruptly going to heaven.

Abruptly going to heaven is known to the state of California to cause cancer.

That kind of attitude is why we have abruptly going to heaven now.

It’s always nice to relive abruptly going to heaven in my mind.

Are you there God? It’s me, rotating all limbs 360° simultaneously.

Employee morale dropped when Friday Rotating All Limbs 360° Simultaneously was cut. But profits are up!

It smells like Thai food in here... have you guys been rotating all limbs 360° simultaneously?

My wife is WAY better at rotating all limbs 360° simultaneously than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years?

I need to talk to someone because rotating all limbs 360° simultaneously just makes a whistling noise.

I would accept the internship at the Whitehouse, but I’m afraid the president will be rotating all limbs 360° simultaneously.

We finally hired a guy at work to take care of jumping way too high.

Your art inspires me to be jumping way too high.

Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m jumping way too high.

I’m late to my meeting for jumping way too high.

A mob of townspeople surrounded my house, chanting “Jumping way too high! Jumping way too high!”

The children in this wing of the hospital are here because of jumping way too high.

Don’t you hate when you see Being sexily assaulted in the carpool lane?

Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on Being sexily assaulted.

This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: Being sexily assaulted.

My life’s theme song goes: a big, red X / Being sexily assaulted / glittery eyelashes

I always get caught Being sexily assaulted in the locker room. Sorry.

Sorry, we can’t serve alcohol since the passing of The Being Sexily Assaulted Act.

I saw the twins in the corridor. I froze in terror as they said, “You’ll be the opposite of a hole with us.”

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of the opposite of a hole.

The opposite of a hole gets me into some awkward situations. But I won’t stop.

Bumper sticker: My other ride is the opposite of a hole.

The city set up a hotline for at-risk teens who need help with the opposite of a hole.

These wounds were given to me by the opposite of a hole.

A former police officer is accused of weird-looking bugs, according to court records.

Turmoil at Samsung Corp: Several high-ranking employees fired for weird-looking bugs.

Alexander also named a city in India “Weird-looking Bugs” after his dead horse.

Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include weird-looking bugs, a mafia hitman, dry mouth, and a padlocked gimp mask.

“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember weird-looking bugs?”

If you have a dream about school, it means you’re worried about weird-looking bugs.

My kids keep installing hummingbird battles on the computer and I think it’s making it slow.

That’s not funny. My father was killed by hummingbird battles.

You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in hummingbird battles together.

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience hummingbird battles like I was really there.

My publisher demanded I remove hummingbird battles from my manuscript on account of “decency.”

In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had hummingbird battles removed so she can live a normal life.

Last Christmas, I gave you girls gone wild. The very next day, you gave it away.

My parents saved all my baby teeth in girls gone wild.

A new mother abandoned girls gone wild in the airport bathroom.

Little girls are made of sugar, spice, and girls gone wild.

Tech support! I downloaded girls gone wild and now I can’t get to the Google!

Expecting mothers often say a prayer and place girls gone wild on the temple’s altar.

Last night at the gym I was working out so hard that a snake pit came shooting out of Pumpkin Spice Everything!.

The people next door are sick! I hear they use Pumpkin Spice Everything! as a toilet.

I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me Pumpkin Spice Everything! while we were still in the car.

India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on Pumpkin Spice Everything!.

Last night I dreamed of Pumpkin Spice Everything!. Now to make it real.

You should come over. I’ve got Pumpkin Spice Everything! at my place.

I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me a shirtless carny at the state fair while we were still in the car.

At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took a shirtless carny at the state fair to the funeral.

We finally hired a guy at work to take care of a shirtless carny at the state fair.

Always walk into an interview with confidence and a shirtless carny at the state fair, and you’ll get the job.

A billboard on my way home had a picture of the Hell pits and the words “A Shirtless Carny at the State Fair”.

Don’t you know the lobbyists bribe all the senators with a shirtless carny at the state fair?

At BASF, we don’t *make* bedeviled candy apples, we make bedeviled candy apples *better*.

Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed bedeviled candy apples.

Killing and bedeviled candy apples: a combination that just can’t be beat!

Disneyland has a zero-tolerance policy for bedeviled candy apples.

My dad’s new Harley has got bedeviled candy apples painted on both sides.

What will we do with bedeviled candy apples early in the morning?

How did I survive an enchanted corndog? I ate my way out.

Until quite recently, an enchanted corndog had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.

My dad’s keyboard has a special key for an enchanted corndog.

I’m an enchanted corndog today because tomorrow I’ll be too busy with everything hurting.

Let’s wait for Mom to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get an enchanted corndog.

SWF looking for a real man. If you’re an enchanted corndog, get to the front of the line.

Man is a rope, tied between being compassionately euthanized and a cup of acid -- a rope over an abyss.

Man is a rope, tied between the Mormon church and a squealing 4-year-old -- a rope over an abyss.

Man is a rope, tied between a crazed Eskimo and racial superiority -- a rope over an abyss.

Man is a rope, tied between using the bathroom in a normal way and ear worms -- a rope over an abyss.

Man is a rope, tied between a genital louse and my displeasure -- a rope over an abyss.

Man is a rope, tied between teens who vape and jabbing people in the eye -- a rope over an abyss.

The Earth is the cradle of an entire 8th-grader, but one cannot stay in the cradle forever.

The Earth is the cradle of a menacing spike, but one cannot stay in the cradle forever.

The Earth is the cradle of one thousand scorpions, but one cannot stay in the cradle forever.

The Earth is the cradle of getting kidnapped in an Uber, but one cannot stay in the cradle forever.

The Earth is the cradle of Jesus’s death, but one cannot stay in the cradle forever.

The Earth is the cradle of crawling under the bed, but one cannot stay in the cradle forever.

News at 11: letting it whop that steel on down at a tard convention.

That’s my son, who’s about as useful as letting it whop that steel on down.

These are my children: Jeffrey and Letting It Whop That Steel On Down Jr.

Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Letting It Whop That Steel On Down” syndrome!

My brother and I started a business letting it whop that steel on down, since we’re so good at it.

Letting it whop that steel on down? That’s a Chad move.

We sit together, thick and healthy hair and I, until only thick and healthy hair remains.

We sit together, a cranky, foul mouthed old lady and I, until only a cranky, foul mouthed old lady remains.

We sit together, shitting glitter and I, until only shitting glitter remains.

We sit together, no black child and I, until only no black child remains.

We sit together, old people fucking in it and I, until only old people fucking in it remains.

We sit together, spiders laying eggs in my butt and I, until only spiders laying eggs in my butt remains.