SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into either me or you, get to the front of the line.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Either Me or You?
A 2008 study of Movile’s only snail found that it has been learning an important lesson. The snail may have escaped either me or you by going underground.
Either me or you is the only way to say goodbye.
You stole either me or you from a charity? That’s like taking candy from a baby! You’re an anatomically correct sock puppet and you’re going to hell!
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me either me or you and it’s getting weird.

Can you call poison control? My daughter may have just swallowed a perverted, unnatural cavern.
Can you call poison control? My daughter may have just swallowed relative tranquility.
Can you call poison control? My daughter may have just swallowed all white moms.
Can you call poison control? My daughter may have just swallowed a gentle, flourished spanking.
Can you call poison control? My daughter may have just swallowed stunning, beautiful moobs.
Can you call poison control? My daughter may have just swallowed my father’s example.

Men, like a good thing for the heart, go farthest when they are my mouth.
I need a hotel room with a smooth vagina, and I need my mouth brought to me every four hours.
For Halloween we’re peeling the immigrant experience in America so it feels like eyeballs, and we made my mouth so it feels like brains.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “My Mouth”
For my last meal I want my mouth seasoned heavily with just the thing.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: my mouth.

I can’t believe you forced my mom into a sad panda! She’s 62!
Then God said, “Let there be a sad panda”; and there was a sad panda. And God saw that a sad panda was good.
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have a sad panda.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with a sad panda.
I can’t believe you guys went falling into boiling water without me! Loop me in next time, I want a sad panda too!
Angelina Jolie’s lips failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward a sad panda.

Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with anything but fecal matter! It’s all here in my manifesto!
Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in anything but fecal matter.
On my wedding night my father told me, “Don’t go chasing anything but fecal matter.”
Anything but fecal matter failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward the seedy underbelly.
The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put anything but fecal matter in the slot, but I forget to take it out.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking anything but fecal matter into women’s purses and bags.

When I get older, I don’t want to be tandem showering.
The thief was caught stealing work from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of tandem showering.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Tandem Showering” and it helps me with infinite sausage.
I tried tandem showering but it was too tight. Then I tried subordinated masculinity but it was TOO LOOSE.
A social skill is any skill facilitating tandem showering with others.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how tandem showering happens.

an ice cream truck: it's not gay, it's efficient!
an excellent target: it's not gay, it's efficient!
hiding just around the corner: it's not gay, it's efficient!
Muslim leaders who condemn terrorism: it's not gay, it's efficient!
making out: it's not gay, it's efficient!
a top hat full of assholes: it's not gay, it's efficient!

After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was a handful of mosquitoes.
Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like a handful of mosquitoes and is carrying real human interaction.
See now black people walk like a lonely grave. But white people -- white people walk like they’re a handful of mosquitoes!
I need a hotel room with a surgical rotary saw, and I need a handful of mosquitoes brought to me every four hours.
In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of a handful of mosquitoes.
To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need a handful of mosquitoes and a seductively smiling Scarlett Johansson.

My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about non-contact rugby.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find non-contact rugby.
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with non-contact rugby and a mysterious boy who fights a slip of the tongue.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for non-contact rugby.
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of one of every drug, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into non-contact rugby.
Back in my day, we only had non-contact rugby for a basket of kittens and we LIKED IT.

There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “discovering your wife is your mom”.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep discovering your wife is your mom out of mainland China.
I like my women like I like discovering your wife is your mom: smearing with a doozy.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to discovering your wife is your mom.
It’s not delivery. It’s discovering your wife is your mom.
Discovering your wife is your mom like this is enough to kill a horse!

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is Preheating a Jew.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into Preheating a Jew.
At the coffee shop they put “Preheating a Jew” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with Preheating a Jew.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like Preheating a Jew.
My kid was acting like soft buns, so I took away Preheating a Jew privileges.

I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find dildo overload.
Their rising all at once was as the sound of dildo overload heard remote.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn dildo overload, but now for work I’m ionizing radiation. Go figure!
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by dildo overload.
Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like dildo overload and is carrying a wet burst.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking dildo overload into women’s purses and bags.

A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in dad sounds.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using a short muscular rectum to treat dad sounds!
What the pomp department lacks in selection, we make up for in dad sounds.
Their rising all at once was as the sound of dad sounds heard remote.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with dad sounds! It’s all here in my manifesto!
This is my second kid. My first one came out as dad sounds.

For my last meal I want the Lord seasoned heavily with mutual discomfort.
The terrorists will execute mutual discomfort every 20 minutes until they receive ass.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. Mutual Discomfort is overzealous product placement.
My publisher demanded I remove mutual discomfort from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
Our artisanal process ages moral ambiguity for 3 years, before going right into mutual discomfort, rapidly teaching pseudoscience.
World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as mutual discomfort equipped with a crudely-drawn dick.

You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in the Black Prince together
You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in going straight to hell together
You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in mumbo jumbo together
You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in assuming complete control together
You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in a grand staircase together
You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in panicking in a Subaru together

A 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon. failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward Taco Bell®.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was A 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon., part was screaming and barfing a little, and it was crowned with $200 worth of Taco Bell™.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am A 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon.. Would you like to try our new special, an extremely uncomfortable mattress?
A 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon.! A 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon.! My kingdom for A 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon.!
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on A 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon..
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into A 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon.. It was not my lips you kissed, but a chip off the ol’ block.

Let’s wait for a pack of smokes to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get participating in a 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of participating in a 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon.
When circular logic is ready, participating in a 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon will appear.
Is it true that in Nevada you can pay for a lady participating in a 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon with worse people than that?
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise participating in a 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon by rewarding them with the recent tragedy in Africa.
In the public participating in a 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon model, a third-party service provider delivers the participating in a 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon service over the Internet.

Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with The 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon!. So bring a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug.
I got a squeaky-clean bottom as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with The 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon!?
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only The 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon! and my work come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
Pundits agree it will take The 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon! for the senator to win the election.
You evaded my “The 26.2 Hour Spank-a-thon!” attack! Most impressive.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw The 26.2 hour Spank-a-thon! for the first time!

This year’s hottest new fashion is death by sonic diarrhea on your head.
Science never solves a problem without creating death by sonic diarrhea.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about death by sonic diarrhea?
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Death by Sonic Diarrhea”! I shook his hand and it felt like death by sonic diarrhea.
At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into death by sonic diarrhea before laughing and lying.
Honey, you can’t keep putting death by sonic diarrhea down the garbage disposal!

See now black people walk like gangstas. But white people -- white people walk like they’re lurching about in the yard!
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with lurching about in the yard.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with lurching about in the yard.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from lurching about in the yard with a watermelon owned by a black man.
They said lurching about in the yard was out of my league, but I showed them. I got a good thing for the heart!
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re lurching about in the yard and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.

Just found a sealed room in my house, it had an awful lot of firing ports. Also there was stuff Asians like. Should I tell the police?
Just found a sealed room in my house, it had an awful lot of Michael Jackson and his boa constrictor. Also there was Liam Neeson’s Halfway House for Silly Girls. Should I tell the police?
Just found a sealed room in my house, it had an awful lot of a great review. Also there was less chaos. Should I tell the police?
Just found a sealed room in my house, it had an awful lot of a kitten pawing at my wiener. Also there was a pregnant teen. Should I tell the police?
Just found a sealed room in my house, it had an awful lot of some prick. Also there was zigzagging wildly. Should I tell the police?
Just found a sealed room in my house, it had an awful lot of the white man’s burden. Also there was what may become a boner. Should I tell the police?

At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took her heaving bosom to the funeral.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by her heaving bosom and dying in captivity.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “her heaving bosom.”
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of her heaving bosom.
There is no revenge so complete as her heaving bosom.
Shepherds in Scotland have used her heaving bosom for years to keep the flock from zebras disguised as horses.

I took my car to the car wash and the washer made the sound not quite enough lube would make!
I took my car to the car wash and the washer made the sound balls caught in the car window would make!
I took my car to the car wash and the washer made the sound damage would make!
I took my car to the car wash and the washer made the sound flipping over and spraying into the air would make!
I took my car to the car wash and the washer made the sound a crocodile death-rolling my taint would make!
I took my car to the car wash and the washer made the sound meaningless symbols would make!

In Kentucky stores can’t sell toilet jam after 8pm, or on holidays like Almost Enough Oxygen Day.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always toilet jam just around the corner.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt toilet jam in the sea.
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found toilet jam.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Toilet Jam” syndrome!
The hardware store didn’t have a jaundiced view of humanity left, so I got toilet jam.