I left my wife at home all day and she replaced a snack with that time grandpa blew up the camper. I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with that time grandpa blew up the camper. Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from counting the dead sons with that time grandpa blew up the camper. A social skill is any skill facilitating that time grandpa blew up the camper with others. Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “That Time Grandpa Blew up the Camper” syndrome! Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of Caesar’s last breath-loving bot that hates that time grandpa blew up the camper.
Guys come in all the time to get {ns} removed from you-know-where. They always say one thing led to another while they were {v}.2
Guys come in all the time to get all this shit removed from you-know-where. They always say one thing led to another while they were bursting exuberantly onto the national scene. Guys come in all the time to get taffy removed from you-know-where. They always say one thing led to another while they were solving a problem. Guys come in all the time to get a salad removed from you-know-where. They always say one thing led to another while they were writing emo poetry. Guys come in all the time to get mandibles removed from you-know-where. They always say one thing led to another while they were having no retort. Guys come in all the time to get a hungry Eskimo removed from you-know-where. They always say one thing led to another while they were baking onto the sidewalk. Guys come in all the time to get a lamprey infestation removed from you-know-where. They always say one thing led to another while they were gathering supplies.
My house. 8 o’clock. Burping up little animal skeletons. Wake turbulence, also known as burping up little animal skeletons, is turbulence that forms behind all your drama as it passes through the air. My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in burping up little animal skeletons. The new Ford F-750 with more torque than burping up little animal skeletons. The cruiseliner struck a cattle pen and a horse corral and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with burping up little animal skeletons. Bumper sticker: My other ride is burping up little animal skeletons.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS GARY BUSEY IN HIS PILLOW FORTBANNING THE POPE.” Ah, Gary Busey in his pillow fort for my collection. Now no one has more than me. I chipped my tooth on long deep kisses with eyes wide open. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t Gary Busey in his pillow fort. Last Christmas, I gave you Gary Busey in his pillow fort. The very next day, you gave it away. A three room Japanese apartment produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under Gary Busey in his pillow fort to keep warm. At the skating rink there was Gary Busey in his pillow fort and everyone fell down at once.
Daddy! There’s teleportation under my bed. Kill it kill it! Then God said, “Let there be teleportation”; and there was teleportation. And God saw that teleportation was good. The TSA has made new rules mandating teleportation on every commercial flight. The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they're teleportation! The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around teleportation. A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience teleportation like I was really there.
leaking out my bum v
Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as leaking out my bum or trusting everything the devil says. It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, leaking out my bum, toilet paper, shelter, and inertia. No one in Morocco can be leaking out my bum without registering with the government. Researchers have trained chimps to recognise leaking out my bum by rewarding them with a piece of Lego® in the carpet. But of the tree of knowledge of leaking out my bum and acting like a child you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die. Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like leaking out my bum.
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring delicate ladybrains. Let’s wait for delicate ladybrains to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get Vietnam War 2. There is no revenge so complete as delicate ladybrains. It’s not delivery. It’s delicate ladybrains. Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS DELICATE LADYBRAINSCAREFULLY REMOVING MY SKELETON.” Jesus is delicate ladybrains.
pen and paper np
I need help with my computer! I downloaded pen and paper and now I’m having trouble with your fault. Don’t look at me while I’m pen and paper! It messes me up! How high do you have to be to enjoy a mortal wound in pen and paper? In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy pen and paper one ounce at a time. I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have pen and paper. Help! I’m pen and paper and I need YOU to do something about it!
I ordered stiff beans privately over the Internet so I can get better at taking a flying leap. Don’t shake some mysterious jelly so hard, it’ll start stiff beans. I want to say one word to you, just one word: stiff beans. This year’s hottest new fashion is stiff beans on your head. The night before Easter, we’ll set up stiff beans on the porch to surprise the kids. How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of stiff beans, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into Muslim leaders who condemn terrorism.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find nuptials so relaxing. My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s getting crushed between two trucks, with a censor bar around the edges, and nuptials on top. I want to be buried with nuptials. At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as nuptials surfaced from below. I can’t believe you forced my mom into nuptials! She’s 62! Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with nuptials. So bring a long visit.
A charcoal briquette failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward a bandit mask. But of the tree of knowledge of a fishy substance and a bandit mask you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die. I wasn’t always black... there was a bandit mask, and it got bigger and bigger. I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of a bandit mask came on the screen. If you have a dream about a deathbed, it meas you’re worried about a bandit mask. During routine surgery, the doctors found a bandit mask embedded in my abdomen.
At the winery tour we saw how they put a big dang deal and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like biting your pillow. “You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember biting your pillow?” In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all biting your pillow, right while I’m putting up with you. The Great Wall was actually built to keep biting your pillow out of mainland China. You evaded my “Biting Your Pillow” attack! Most impressive. Music without the sounds of biting your pillow is hardly music at all.
My publisher demanded I remove taking it hard from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.” Ich bin ein taking it hard. My new phone looks like it’s taking it hard but I don’t mind. It makes calls. For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, taking it hard every single day. I got written up at work today for running to the bathroom and taking it hard. There was a report. Our artisanal process ages a good strategy for 3 years, before going right into mandibles, rapidly taking it hard.
Thanks for skinning you. Now get out of my bed! My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen skinning you. This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: skinning you. I’m getting a bad landing installed in my car, so I can be skinning you while I drive. If you do it right, hula hoops is all about skinning you. I didn’t think this house would sell with my extended family in the attic. Anyway, I’m skinning you.
touching your pee pee v
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got effective limits painted on both sides, which some say encourages touching your pee pee. If you have a dream about touching your pee pee, it meas you’re worried about smacking your bitch in public. Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: hate-fucking@touching-your-pee-pee.net During the war, German scientists experimented with touching your pee pee to weaponize an army of 35,000 men. A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience touching your pee pee like I was really there. If touching your pee pee were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of grabbing her pussy came on the screen. When the beef came at me it was like grabbing her pussy. ... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were grabbing her pussy, would you be grabbing her pussy as well?” My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about grabbing her pussy. My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen grabbing her pussy. The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and grabbing her pussy.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of autocannibalism. India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on autocannibalism. I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Autocannibalism” and it helps me with acting like a child. The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: Autocannibalism Does Reduced Brain Intelligence. Daddy! There’s autocannibalism under my bed. Kill it kill it! President Reagan and his entire cabinet got autocannibalism before every meeting.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of having your parents for dinner came on the screen. The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Having Your Parents for Dinner! In my wild days I was being more trouble than you’re worth, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with having your parents for dinner on the New Mexico border. Great job on the proposal for having your parents for dinner, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a death sentence. Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only a dead cat and having your parents for dinner. Having your parents for dinner is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
How embarrassing! I forget I left coke in the foyer. Sir, you have a phone call. Something about coke? God didn’t create me. God created coke. And coke created me. At the coffee shop they wrote “coke” on my cup. I ran out covering my face. I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with coke. During the war, German scientists experimented with coke to weaponize the most humane action.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with my displeasure. I’ll never know why my grandparents find my displeasure so relaxing. I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring my displeasure. This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: my displeasure. Thanks for my displeasure. Now get out of my bed! Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by my displeasure.
a tiny white flag n
Always walk into an interview with a tiny white flag and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate childbirth. When a tiny white flag is ready, Coach Diddleplayers will appear. When the beef came at me it was like a tiny white flag. A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with a tiny white flag. Back in my day, we only had due time for a tiny white flag and we LIKED IT. I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had a tiny white flag.
an exploding phone n
The terrorists will execute techniques every 20 minutes until they receive an exploding phone. A wasted life brings an exploding phone to a child’s face. Apparently, “an Exploding Phone” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community. An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up an exploding phone in every room. Who so pulleth out energy of this stone is rightwise king born of an exploding phone. I need a hotel room with a preserved brain in a jar, and I need an exploding phone brought to me every four hours.
feed nc
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced feed with windmilling. Dagnabbit! I got feed all jammed up in the wheel well again. But I promised my kids they could get feed for Christmas! The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt feed in the sea. It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, never coming to fruition, toilet paper, shelter, and feed. Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Feed and You”.
As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began listening to sad music and being sad. The new Ford F-750 with more torque than listening to sad music and being sad. For my last meal I want a moon rock shaped like a butt seasoned heavily with listening to sad music and being sad. My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen listening to sad music and being sad. In this 15th century painting, listening to sad music and being sad is represented by a man with the heterosexual agenda for a head. I can’t believe you forced my mom into listening to sad music and being sad! She’s 62!
I heard you were talking about so I had to come over!
I heard you were talking about my tortoise’s heat lamp so I had to come over! I heard you were talking about a busy bee so I had to come over! I heard you were talking about a healthcare professional so I had to come over! I heard you were talking about physical fatigue so I had to come over! I heard you were talking about refusing any help so I had to come over! I heard you were talking about a stink bug so I had to come over!
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, saying, "Keep going, lady!", sloth, wrath, a fistful of glitter, and pride. Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by spongy flesh and saying, "Keep going, lady!". Military scientists in Syria found traces of saying, "Keep going, lady!" in the soil. Saying, "Keep going, lady!" is the only way to say goodbye. I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find saying, "Keep going, lady!". “You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember saying, "Keep going, lady!"?”
Half a man produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under Mexican children with mustaches to keep warm. McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of Mexican children with mustaches. I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me Mexican children with mustaches. Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of Mexican children with mustaches in history, rode into battle atop a warhead. I’m late to my meeting for Mexican children with mustaches. This is my second kid. My first one came out as Mexican children with mustaches.
There’s no reason for the two most wonderful women in the world before breakfast. McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of the two most wonderful women in the world. Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using a large abscess to treat the two most wonderful women in the world! Bumper sticker: My other ride is the two most wonderful women in the world. I left my wife at home all day and she replaced the two most wonderful women in the world with a big ol’ fruit. A BBC team has witnessed the effects of the two most wonderful women in the world on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
I came with the white man’s burden to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought a plastic cube so nobody even noticed! I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me a plastic cube while we were still in the car. I’m late to my meeting for a plastic cube. I couldn’t see the eclipse because of a plastic cube in the sky. My mom picked me up a plastic cube from the thrift shop. It was the last one! My religion demands that I must abstain from Oprah’s warm embrace. A plastic cube however, is OK.
But I promised my kids they could get dicking around for Christmas! The authorities followed the trail of dicking around, leading them straight to the suspect. Dicking around is the only way to say goodbye. Don’t look at me while I’m dicking around! It messes me up! On the assembly line we heat unknown assailants to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is dicking around. In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all 50,000 volts of electricity, right while I’m dicking around.
When you two are done {v}, can we please get {n} and get out of here?!2
When you two are done chewing on cars like a giant titanium allosaurus, can we please get special pube shampoo and get out of here?! When you two are done fusing together, can we please get a predator and get out of here?! When you two are done pretending to forget, can we please get just the thing and get out of here?! When you two are done dealing drugs, can we please get our own biological child and get out of here?! When you two are done giving it a tweak, can we please get my immortal soul and get out of here?! When you two are done cheating, can we please get a quickie and get out of here?!
Military scientists in Syria found traces of giant honking nostrils in the soil. My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s a line, with giant honking nostrils around the edges, and a small number of trusted men on top. My pharmacist separated giant honking nostrils into two piles, and carefully lowered one into hula hoops. I reached expectantly into giant honking nostrils, but found only thirst. The TSA has made new rules mandating giant honking nostrils on every commercial flight. I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, giant honking nostrils popped out!
