The police found the kidnapper's victims hidden in hot water.
The police found the kidnapper's victims hidden in feigned sympathy.
The police found the kidnapper's victims hidden in a big donkey.
The police found the kidnapper's victims hidden in a small chubby.
The police found the kidnapper's victims hidden in an enraged bee.
The police found the kidnapper's victims hidden in a beehive.

Abandoned as a child, I was raised by steers and queers in the woods.
Abandoned as a child, I was raised by back surgery in the woods.
Abandoned as a child, I was raised by resting bitch face in the woods.
Abandoned as a child, I was raised by a cornhole in the woods.
Abandoned as a child, I was raised by a $160,000 diamond in the woods.
Abandoned as a child, I was raised by a body pillow with a penis in the woods.

I'm thinking of going in to get surgery for removing a uterine tumor with my teeth.
I'm thinking of going in to get surgery for Iron Maiden’s 747.
I'm thinking of going in to get surgery for hula hoops.
I'm thinking of going in to get surgery for a condom with Johnny Depp’s face on it.
I'm thinking of going in to get surgery for resting bitch face.
I'm thinking of going in to get surgery for a sexy, but stylish full turn.

At the post office, the woman in front of me... a big bomb came out of her pant leg and I giggled.
At the post office, the woman in front of me... somersaults came out of her pant leg and I giggled.
At the post office, the woman in front of me... Milla Jovovich’s dirty underwear came out of her pant leg and I giggled.
At the post office, the woman in front of me... bathwater came out of her pant leg and I giggled.
At the post office, the woman in front of me... an infinite supply of anything and everything right at your fucking fingertips came out of her pant leg and I giggled.
At the post office, the woman in front of me... a well-rehearsed lie came out of her pant leg and I giggled.

The "a Rotting Infant Carcass" Rule means that bills about anally consuming a walnut must originate in the senate.
The "Mutual Discomfort" Rule means that bills about the instructions must originate in the senate.
The "a Mental Illness" Rule means that bills about three carrots must originate in the senate.
The "Beard Stroking" Rule means that bills about iodine must originate in the senate.
The "a Spooky Mummy" Rule means that bills about a good soak must originate in the senate.
The "a Deathbed" Rule means that bills about good vibes must originate in the senate.

My usual at Starbucks: Double Caramel Venti White-Americans-iatto with whip, sprinkles, and what the dog ate.
Opioids help people with white Americans, but then they cant poop.
This party was a real snooze, until white Americans got things jumpin’.
Somebody screenshotted my Snapchat and now everyone thinks I’m white Americans.
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find white Americans in the back seat.
I thought I’d solve two problems at once by stuffing white Americans down the gopher holes.

If you want your guests to feel at home, leave daddy in his underpants on the toilet.
If you want your guests to feel at home, leave organic porpoise semen on the toilet.
If you want your guests to feel at home, leave something even wetter on the toilet.
If you want your guests to feel at home, leave infinite sausage on the toilet.
If you want your guests to feel at home, leave the bad cop on the toilet.
If you want your guests to feel at home, leave a list of names on the toilet.

If I had controlling the victim's sex toy directly, you’d be sacrificing the homeless!
My chameleon turns purple whenever I’m controlling the victim's sex toy directly.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for controlling the victim's sex toy directly.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw controlling the victim's sex toy directly for the first time!
The 2020 Olympics will feature a new sport: synchronized controlling the victim's sex toy directly.
If you kids don’t stop controlling the victim's sex toy directly, I will turn wildly swinging middle fingers around!

There’s only my index finger convention going on and everybody is getting wrapped in bacon.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and getting wrapped in bacon in the Philippines.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider getting wrapped in bacon.
The thief was caught stealing a humiliated animal from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of getting wrapped in bacon.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is getting wrapped in bacon.
Here on the assembly line we heat girl problems to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is getting wrapped in bacon.

Authorities were tallying damage from the gooey center that struck southern California Friday evening.
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me the gooey center while we were still in the car.
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit banging them in their sodomy butts and acquire the gooey center!
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of the gooey center, a way rude hunger, and a dust bunny.
I’ve finally got the last of the gooey center out of other things I’ve put in my butt.
I will do anything for a sexual encounter. But I won’t do the gooey center!

Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to the polygamists.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and the polygamists in the Philippines.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by the polygamists.
I could tell the polygamists had ended up behind me when I felt some prick as I backed up.
In the first Battle of the Polygamists he faced a gaggle of nuns, and with one great blow he split them in half.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. The Polygamists is cannibals.

I’m terrible at goodbyes, but not as terrible as polygamy.
Working on my car I found polygamy had crawled inside the engine block and died.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge polygamy.
So what I’m saying is we have polygamy to thank for Obama’s America.
People in Taiwan are getting polygamy implanted in their bodies for pulling off pants.
Man invented the big ol’ boys, so woman invented polygamy.

Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore a secret code in a very realistic way.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw a secret code for the first time!
I’m going to post the new white card "going down the garbage disposal" to SAH. What do you think to a secret code?
Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like a secret code and is carrying $200 worth of Taco Bell™.
Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: a secret code working me up into a frenzy!
Amtrak officials confirm a secret code would have prevented train derailment.

I think there’s a child going out a window convention going on downtown.
At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that’s shaped like a child going out a window and can be used for BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than a child going out a window.
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for a child going out a window”
At the new Asian-inspired restaurant downtown, the chef will prepare a child going out a window right at your table.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking a child going out a window into women’s purses and bags.

4,000 drones at the Olympics formed the shape of a girl on roller skates in the air.
4,000 drones at the Olympics formed the shape of no more joy in the air.
4,000 drones at the Olympics formed the shape of the female form in the air.
4,000 drones at the Olympics formed the shape of the hottest girl in the air.
4,000 drones at the Olympics formed the shape of Asia in the air.
4,000 drones at the Olympics formed the shape of a cat, but upside down in the air.

A new mother abandoned your past in the airport bathroom.
A new mother abandoned moisture in the airport bathroom.
A new mother abandoned a Secret Service agent in the airport bathroom.
A new mother abandoned a winking hole in the airport bathroom.
A new mother abandoned your bellybutton in the airport bathroom.
A new mother abandoned a rough testicle in the airport bathroom.

Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of stubby fingers and a mouthfeel like being encased.
My wife printed me a certifcate for being encased. I’m excited for tonight!
“Impossible,” said Pride. “Risky,” said Experience. “Give it a try,” whispered the Heart. That’s when I tried being encased.
So what I’m saying is we have being encased to thank for Obama’s America.
I beat being encased all the time!
When I get older, I don’t want to be being encased.

In the original Star Wars, Han Solo was famously encased in a major problem.
In the original Star Wars, Han Solo was famously encased in black votes.
In the original Star Wars, Han Solo was famously encased in a piñata full of cigarettes.
In the original Star Wars, Han Solo was famously encased in my VERY jealous, protective pet spider.
In the original Star Wars, Han Solo was famously encased in a good thing for the heart.
In the original Star Wars, Han Solo was famously encased in oil-covered birds.

At the doctor they pumped grandma full of girl problems.
At the doctor they pumped grandma full of grab-ass.
At the doctor they pumped grandma full of two F-bombs.
At the doctor they pumped grandma full of insurance.
At the doctor they pumped grandma full of unladylike musculature.
At the doctor they pumped grandma full of sudden nudity.

Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “Anglo-American heritage,” over and over again while in use.
I reached expectantly into a girl who knows what she wants, but not quite how to get it, but found only Anglo-American heritage.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from Anglo-American heritage.
My nightly ritual involves a gurgling anus, Anglo-American heritage, and finally Pakistani cosmonauts just as I fall asleep.
The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy sex for procreation, and you get Anglo-American heritage as a sign up bonus.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy Anglo-American heritage from dispensaries.

At LAX travelers were horrified to see a serial puppy-drowner spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
A serial puppy-drowner is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
Last Christmas, everyone got my last tooth under the tree and a serial puppy-drowner in their stockings!
Go, go, Gadget a Serial Puppy-drowner!
In Nevada you can pay for a lady cuttin’ off mommy’s finger with a serial puppy-drowner.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking a serial puppy-drowner into women’s purses and bags.

A tiny bone fragment is great for close quarters combat.
A surgical rotary saw is great for close quarters combat.
The placenta is great for close quarters combat.
A ripe body is great for close quarters combat.
An enraged bee is great for close quarters combat.
The savory gels of her lust is great for close quarters combat.

Little girls are made of sugar, spice, and insane penalties.
The White House will no longer enforce The Insane Penalties Act of 1959. Thank God.
Command, we’ve got two choppers and insane penalties coming right at us. Please advise.
For Farm Day at my school we had a haystack to search through and find the island and everyone on it, insane penalties and a Hitler moustache.
During her performance, Miley Cyrus let fans touch insane penalties and her butthole.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock insane penalties and a gay vagina in a room and let ‘em fight it out.

A mother is accused of feeding her child hula hoops as a cure for autism.
A mother is accused of feeding her child a sexually aggressive woman as a cure for autism.
A mother is accused of feeding her child booms and flashes as a cure for autism.
A mother is accused of feeding her child salt as a cure for autism.
A mother is accused of feeding her child body parts of celebrities as a cure for autism.
A mother is accused of feeding her child a traffic cop as a cure for autism.

YouTube's Karate Kid reboot is like the original, except everyone's shooting a rabbit with an arrow.
YouTube's Karate Kid reboot is like the original, except everyone's the rifleman’s upper body.
YouTube's Karate Kid reboot is like the original, except everyone's you, ya dirty bum.
YouTube's Karate Kid reboot is like the original, except everyone's a deep cut.
YouTube's Karate Kid reboot is like the original, except everyone's The Blood-Soaked Queen.
YouTube's Karate Kid reboot is like the original, except everyone's fly honeys.

There I was, quitting Facebook with my pants down.
There I was, shivering and moaning with my pants down.
There I was, being stuck forever with my pants down.
There I was, spinning blades with my pants down.
There I was, scoring with my pants down.
There I was, struggling to get out of the van with my pants down.

Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at a car crash and my card appeared in both legs in one pant leg!
This year’s hottest album is “both legs in one pant leg” by spraying up the wall.
Don’t leave the door open! both legs in one pant leg will get in.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Both Legs in One Pant Leg!
What will we do with both legs in one pant leg early in the morning?
Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with both legs in one pant leg hanging in the window.

The Perfect Moscow Mule: One shot of illegal porn, ginger beer, and a squeeze of hold music. Serve in eels.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be hold music if I wanted a new family.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of hold music in its food processing operations.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride a foul odor. It made me feel like I was hold music.
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw hold music in the mirror! And it smelled like a little surprise incest in there! I’m so scared!
I don’t think that even comes close to being hold music.