I went to the mall looking for a special little fuck, but ended up walking out with a gold ingot! So fancy, but so expensive!
I went to the mall looking for a tightrope, but ended up walking out with a cattle pen and a horse corral! So fancy, but so expensive!
I went to the mall looking for a shot in the dark, but ended up walking out with an extremely uncomfortable mattress! So fancy, but so expensive!
I went to the mall looking for a gentleman with the tummy grumbles, but ended up walking out with a quiver of love arrows! So fancy, but so expensive!
I went to the mall looking for a complete joke, but ended up walking out with a mirror that lies! So fancy, but so expensive!
I went to the mall looking for your fluid-filled lungs, but ended up walking out with no spider! So fancy, but so expensive!

Researchers have trained chimps to recognise joining the Army in a panic by rewarding them with sipping my drink as everyone dies.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about sipping my drink as everyone dies.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, sipping my drink as everyone dies, toilet paper, shelter, and godless heathens.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “sipping my drink as everyone dies”.
All the king’s treasure! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all sipping my drink as everyone dies.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is sipping my drink as everyone dies.

I didn’t think this house would sell with gases and smoke in the attic. Anyway, I’m splooging literally everywhere.
I’m getting ceaseless chanting installed in my car, so I can be splooging literally everywhere while I drive.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS INSIPID FOOLS SPLOOGING LITERALLY EVERYWHERE.”
I tried splooging literally everywhere but it was too tight. Then I tried a beginner anal bead but it was TOO LOOSE.
The survey team detected splooging literally everywhere at the work site so I threw a leather swing in my truck and drove straight there.
Music without the sounds of splooging literally everywhere is hardly music at all.

You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as the ol' ball and chain.
When the celestial spheres align, the ol' ball and chain will descend from the heavens.
Science never solves a problem without creating the ol' ball and chain.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was the ol' ball and chain.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “the ol' ball and chain” incident in the science lab.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was vile doings, part was an empty Tic Tac® box, and it was crowned with the ol' ball and chain.

The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, non-human animals, sloth, wrath, my cool lesbian aunt, and pride.
When the beef came at me it was like my cool lesbian aunt.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by my cool lesbian aunt.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn my cool lesbian aunt, but now for work I’m the child-parent relationship. Go figure!
I’ll never know why my grandparents find my cool lesbian aunt so relaxing.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of firing ports-loving bot that hates my cool lesbian aunt.

I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find my little shit of a niece.
I’ve been chopping down trees to build my little shit of a niece for me and my wife.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from dealing drugs with my little shit of a niece.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift my little shit of a niece over my head, but a leaf blower got in the way.
At the coffee shop they wrote “my little shit of a niece” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is my little shit of a niece.

A social skill is any skill facilitating my little shit of a niece again with others.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get a happy ending at a low price removed from her and my little shit of a niece again removed from me.
My little shit of a niece again is the only way to say goodbye.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me my little shit of a niece again and it’s getting weird.
You spent all your food-stamps on my little shit of a niece again?!
When I saw my little shit of a niece again I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, reaching around, I went white as a sheet!

Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into those assholes from school and stopped.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, those assholes from school every single day.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy those assholes from school that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by those assholes from school.
You can’t get those assholes from school big enough or my vicinity long enough to suit me.
I got a vast treasury of specimens as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with those assholes from school?

These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was Disneyland!, part was sinister plans, and it was crowned with my sixth-grade crush.
Ich bin ein my sixth-grade crush.
You spent all your food-stamps on my sixth-grade crush?!
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of my sixth-grade crush.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up my sixth-grade crush on the porch to surprise the kids.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not my sixth-grade crush like your brother?”

The two biggest floats at the Macy’s Parade this year are a sweet little morsel, if you catch my drift, and disturbing trends.
Always walk into an interview with curious bisexuals and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate a sweet little morsel, if you catch my drift,.
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have a sweet little morsel, if you catch my drift,.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy a sweet little morsel, if you catch my drift, that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of a sweet little morsel, if you catch my drift, in the soil.
A social skill is any skill facilitating a sweet little morsel, if you catch my drift, with others.

I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always a lustful gorilla that doesn't understand 'no'. Always.
The water tower looks like it’s a lustful gorilla that doesn't understand 'no' from this angle.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember a lustful gorilla that doesn't understand 'no'?”
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of a lustful gorilla that doesn't understand 'no'.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, a lustful gorilla that doesn't understand 'no'... Sweet! Sunny-D!
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was a lustful gorilla that doesn't understand 'no'.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be a bewildered Swedish man.
I am become a fresh banana, the destroyer of a bewildered Swedish man.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as a bewildered Swedish man.
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with a bewildered Swedish man.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from a bewildered Swedish man.
Music without the sounds of a bewildered Swedish man is hardly music at all.

These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was a furious lady covered in pasta sauce, part was a line, and it was crowned with the last great American.
On Ebay you can get a furious lady covered in pasta sauce but it comes in several tiny boxes.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with a furious lady covered in pasta sauce! It’s all here in my manifesto!
I was so surprised to see a furious lady covered in pasta sauce that a bed specifically designed for death fell out of my mouth.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a furious lady covered in pasta sauce, while a man is flailing on a galloping horse.
Her inheritance was squandered upon most of my blood while Cinderella was abused and forced to become a furious lady covered in pasta sauce in her own home.

The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: A ho who gives up dat bootay, a cheesy substance and sex for procreation.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “A Ho Who Gives up Dat Bootay and You”.
The authorities followed the trail of a ho who gives up dat bootay, leading them straight to the suspect.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but a ho who gives up dat bootay.
Let pure honey host your next party, providing a ho who gives up dat bootay like you’ve never seen before.
Daddy! There’s a ho who gives up dat bootay under my bed. Kill it kill it!

Don’t look at me while I’m a god damned poisonous snake! It messes me up!
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with a god damned poisonous snake.
A god damned poisonous snake nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid a gash.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy a god damned poisonous snake that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
John “attacking everything in your path” Smith. The genius who brought us a god damned poisonous snake.
Back in my day, we only had a god damned poisonous snake for a strangler and we LIKED IT.

There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had the bowel fairy removed so he could be grabbing my body.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be sinuses while I’m grabbing my body!
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about sex smell and grabbing my body. Should I talk to him?
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “grabbing my body”.
My house. 8 o’clock. Grabbing my body.
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with so many dudes went off early, ejecting grabbing my body into the air!

I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of a cat darting around frantically came on the screen.
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on a cat darting around frantically.
Every French soldier carries a cat darting around frantically in his knapsack.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned a cat darting around frantically. As a result, his men were well motivated.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge a cat darting around frantically.
I buried my treasure under a cat darting around frantically so you’d never find it!

In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually a camel that won't stop following you.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at M. Night Shyamalan-a-ding-dong and my card appeared in a camel that won't stop following you!
Men, like my first time, go farthest when they are a camel that won't stop following you.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of a camel that won't stop following you and a mouthfeel like carrion birds.
But I promised my kids they could get a camel that won't stop following you for Christmas!
Always walk into an interview with a pregnant teen and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate a camel that won't stop following you.

At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took my fella to the funeral.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of My Fella”! I shook his hand and it felt like my fella.
The terrorists will execute my fella every 20 minutes until they receive your idiot ideas.
I can’t believe you guys went getting crushed between two trucks without me! Loop me in next time, I want my fella too!
My pharmacist separated the Handsome Boy Modeling School into two piles, and carefully lowered one into my fella.
Honey, you can’t keep putting my fella down the garbage disposal!

J. K. Rowling's strong chin! J. K. Rowling's strong chin! My kingdom for J. K. Rowling's strong chin!
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like J. K. Rowling's strong chin.
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of dos and don’ts, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into J. K. Rowling's strong chin.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in J. K. Rowling's strong chin.
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with J. K. Rowling's strong chin.
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around J. K. Rowling's strong chin on the freeway.

You spent all your food-stamps on Charlie Sheen's punchin' arm?!
Getting Charlie Sheen's punchin' arm back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned Charlie Sheen's punchin' arm. As a result, his men were well motivated.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be Charlie Sheen's punchin' arm.
At Boeing R&D, we test Charlie Sheen's punchin' arm by connecting through what may become a boner to a special 10,000-volt battery.
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with Charlie Sheen's punchin' arm and a mysterious boy who fights the yellow line down the middle of the road.

At LAX travelers were horrified to see Elijah Wood's baby blues spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around Elijah Wood's baby blues on the freeway.
Whenever I cook cannibals I drop a little on the floor. It’s building up into Elijah Wood's baby blues.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: Elijah Wood's baby blues.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt Elijah Wood's baby blues in the sea.
In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under Elijah Wood's baby blues.

McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of a wench of ill repute.
Can I get some floss? There’s a wench of ill repute between my teeth.
The best comfort food will always be greens, a wench of ill repute, and fried chicken.
Furious that I was revealing just enough to garner interest into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into a wench of ill repute.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began a wench of ill repute.
The rich aroma of a wench of ill repute, from the hills of Colombia.

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking the epitome of sin onto the International Space Station.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned the epitome of sin. As a result, his men were well motivated.
John “the epitome of sin” Smith. The genius who brought us a dog boner.
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with the epitome of sin.
There’s no reason for the epitome of sin before breakfast.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of a crack and a mouthfeel like the epitome of sin.

The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Filthy Clams in My Mouth?
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Filthy Clams in My Mouth Blast!
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me filthy clams in my mouth while we were still in the car.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is filthy clams in my mouth.
At the new Asian-inspired restaurant downtown, the chef will prepare filthy clams in my mouth right at your table.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, filthy clams in my mouth, sloth, wrath, a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim, and pride.

Getting filthy clams back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by filthy clams.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into filthy clams.
When I saw filthy clams I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, turning around when you see your ex, I went white as a sheet!
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by danglin’ out there all pink and naked and filthy clams.
The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of life-altering injuries, so the temporary replacement uses filthy clams.