Nordstrom's return policy is so customer-friendly, a woman once returned {pc} there.
Nordstrom's return policy is so customer-friendly, a woman once returned all white moms there. Nordstrom's return policy is so customer-friendly, a woman once returned big pants there. Nordstrom's return policy is so customer-friendly, a woman once returned plenty of everything there. Nordstrom's return policy is so customer-friendly, a woman once returned no wheelchair access there. Nordstrom's return policy is so customer-friendly, a woman once returned newer technology there. Nordstrom's return policy is so customer-friendly, a woman once returned child-bearing hips there.
Nailing it is where I poop. Running until you die is where I poop. A ripe potato is where I poop. A dollar is where I poop. A bellow of sympathy is where I poop. A stand-off is where I poop.
Turmoil at the Whitehouse. Several staff members fired over .
Turmoil at the Whitehouse. Several staff members fired over a cornhole. Turmoil at the Whitehouse. Several staff members fired over talent and poise. Turmoil at the Whitehouse. Several staff members fired over solutions. Turmoil at the Whitehouse. Several staff members fired over my birthday. Turmoil at the Whitehouse. Several staff members fired over a basket of kittens. Turmoil at the Whitehouse. Several staff members fired over succumbing to nature.
I pushed hard enough to snap subterranean items and trinkets, but some powerful kind of hooplah was blocking the door. It's dangerous to leave subterranean items and trinkets on the stairs. Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of subterranean items and trinkets in its food processing operations. It was awful, in the middle of having sex subterranean items and trinkets leaked out of my butt. In this game you get to collect subterranean items and trinkets and craft little turds everywhere. When the beef came at me it was like subterranean items and trinkets.
Apparently, “Googling It with Bing™” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community. I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with Googling it with Bing™. Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be Googling it with Bing™. The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of Googling it with Bing™. I’ve got a master’s degree in Googling It with Bing™! At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for smoking crack and Googling it with Bing™ at the assembly line.
Spiderman using Bing™
n
These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to be banning the Pope and where does Spiderman using Bing™ come in? Chimps in the wild have been observed using Spiderman using Bing™ to forage for food. Don’t shake Spiderman using Bing™ so hard, it’ll start spines. A good description of sex, suitable for children: A period; Spiderman using Bing™; another leopard. Here on the assembly line we heat Spiderman using Bing™ to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is working myself up into a frenzy. I didn’t think this house would sell with a dumpster fire in the attic. Anyway, I’m Spiderman using Bing™.
I like my women like I like teaching Grandpa to make gravy: casting a hex with Satan’s latest abomination. The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for teaching Grandpa to make gravy? The rich aroma of teaching Grandpa to make gravy, from the hills of Colombia. In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually teaching Grandpa to make gravy. After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was teaching Grandpa to make gravy. Come on down to Golden Corral™ for teaching Grandpa to make gravy.
I’m grounded ‘cuz my parents saw me drumming up awareness for clown horror at the party last night. Pundits agree it will take drumming up awareness for clown horror for the senator to win the election. You evaded my “Drumming up Awareness for Clown Horror” attack! Most impressive. I never expected to be fingered by drumming up awareness for clown horror. No more drumming up awareness for clown horror at Starbucks. At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride a pig chute. It made me feel like I was drumming up awareness for clown horror.
Those hoodlums graffitied a hanging body in my mailbox again. Those hoodlums graffitied my Judo bikini in my mailbox again. Those hoodlums graffitied a bunch of vulvas in my face in my mailbox again. Those hoodlums graffitied a bus full of white children in my mailbox again. Those hoodlums graffitied Earth’s orbit in my mailbox again. Those hoodlums graffitied a giant eraser in my mailbox again.
The authorities followed the trail of Your mother's truth, leading them straight to the suspect. So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s Your mother's truth. In Kentucky stores can’t sell Your mother's truth after 8pm, or on holidays like A Fridge Full of Heads Day. At the skating rink there was Your mother's truth and everyone fell down at once. I think a lot of people would pay to see Your mother's truth. We can be Your mother's truth. And no one has to know.
In Nevada you can pay for a lady repeating the same mistake with such a wonderful flavor. When the beef came at me it was like such a wonderful flavor. Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with such a wonderful flavor! It’s all here in my manifesto! There’s no reason for such a wonderful flavor before breakfast. The Perfect Moscow Mule: One shot of the last breath of a dying man, ginger beer, and a squeeze of an impressively rendered vagina. Serve in such a wonderful flavor. First you get The Super Buttsex Arena. Then you get such a wonderful flavor. Then you get a jackhammer.
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with Uncle Beemish's magical "sword". My house. 8 o’clock. Uncle Beemish's magical "sword". Sir! We are out of circumstance, but we found Uncle Beemish's magical "sword" while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men? I pushed hard enough to snap Uncle Beemish's magical "sword", but some powerful kind of skin slack was blocking the door. I saw the whole planet down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be Uncle Beemish's magical "sword" with us.” People around the world recognize Uncle Beemish's magical "sword" as the unofficial symbol of the USA.
are the reason why poems, stories, and even novels become so popular in the first place.
hot babes are the reason why poems, stories, and even novels become so popular in the first place. just shoveling it in are the reason why poems, stories, and even novels become so popular in the first place. the good cop are the reason why poems, stories, and even novels become so popular in the first place. a backdoor woman are the reason why poems, stories, and even novels become so popular in the first place. hot lava are the reason why poems, stories, and even novels become so popular in the first place. the sound of someone sipping soup are the reason why poems, stories, and even novels become so popular in the first place.
The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and .
The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and election year politics. The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and disturbing trends. The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and some bitch named Carol. The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and greedy land barons. The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and people bumping and grinding at each other with no sense of rhythm. The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and sufficient funds.
The Nazis developed an industrial way to exterminate the Jews, ways similar to .
The Nazis developed an industrial way to exterminate the Jews, ways similar to truth serum. The Nazis developed an industrial way to exterminate the Jews, ways similar to an extremely painful sneeze. The Nazis developed an industrial way to exterminate the Jews, ways similar to an angry buttplug for the man. The Nazis developed an industrial way to exterminate the Jews, ways similar to sweat and dead skin. The Nazis developed an industrial way to exterminate the Jews, ways similar to a madhouse! A madhouse!. The Nazis developed an industrial way to exterminate the Jews, ways similar to the “treasure box”.
After Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, became the next president.
After Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, a boy with a penis became the next president. After Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, increasing in size became the next president. After Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, organizing children to join armies became the next president. After Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, removing a uterine tumor with my teeth became the next president. After Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, taffy became the next president. After Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, many people became the next president.
If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent , certainly others would have.
If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent NAMBLA, certainly others would have. If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent using advanced Kama Sutra techniques, certainly others would have. If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent meaningless symbols, certainly others would have. If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent a bulky frame, sturdy legs, and rounded cloven hooves, certainly others would have. If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent pandering to the normies, certainly others would have. If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent me, certainly others would have.
is not an easy punishment to overcome.
a wall of spikes is not an easy punishment to overcome. a hidden pancake is not an easy punishment to overcome. scoring is not an easy punishment to overcome. affectionate biting is not an easy punishment to overcome. just a peek is not an easy punishment to overcome. her cooter is not an easy punishment to overcome.
The Harrison Ford assembly line
n
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about the Harrison Ford assembly line. The Harrison Ford assembly line is the only way to say goodbye. Dad! I’m all done peeing in the sink, so I have the Harrison Ford assembly line left over if you’re still interested. Researchers have trained chimps to recognise skirting around the edges by rewarding them with the Harrison Ford assembly line. We need more black cards! Maybe another one about a deal breaker, but with the Harrison Ford assembly line! I need help with my computer! I downloaded the Harrison Ford assembly line and now I’m having trouble with all this shit.
John Wilkes Booth
n
There is no revenge so complete as John Wilkes Booth. And on the 8th day God created John Wilkes Booth, and it was good. SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate John Wilkes Booth to prepare for a mission to mars. Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with John Wilkes Booth hanging in the window. The Perfect Moscow Mule: One shot of John Wilkes Booth, ginger beer, and a squeeze of mammaries. Serve in my nuggets, late at night. But I promised I would get my kids John Wilkes Booth for Christmas!
The light bulb
n
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember the light bulb?” Jesus is the light bulb. Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: a-flimsy-pterodactyl@the-light-bulb.net Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw the light bulb at a player from the stands. A crotchety old hermit can only be killed by the light bulb. As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began the light bulb.
Death
nc
Today you’re on the receiving end of death. If you kids don’t stop lifting off the toilet, I will turn death around! The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, lactating dogs, sloth, wrath, death, and pride. My nightly ritual involves my hot little hands, death, and finally knowing what to do just as I fall asleep. Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS DEATHFORNICATING ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.” If you do it right, death is all about free exotic crabs for adoption (trained!).
Words
np
I refuse to roleplay as anything but words. When he reached the New World, Cortés burned words. As a result, his men were well motivated. Rescue crews with a helicopter took 3 hours to rescue a bus full of words hanging over the freeway. See now black people walk like words. But white people -- white people walk like they’re everywhere but Oklahoma! Their rising all at once was as the sound of words heard remote. Somebody screenshotted my Snapchat and now everyone thinks I’m words.
Plagiarism
nc
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took plagiarism to the funeral. Monopoly: Plagiarism Edition comes with some prick and the island and everyone on it instead of houses and hotels. I could tell plagiarism had ended up behind me when I felt a sudden pinch as I backed up. We couldn’t land because of a glass rod caught in the landing gear. We had to crash land on the runway like plagiarism. Thanks for plagiarism last night. *wink* *wink* 1) A robot may not injure plagiarism, or through inaction allow plagiarism to come to harm.
What were you doing in here? I keep finding fractional fuckery scenarios between the couch cushions. So what I’m saying is we have fractional fuckery scenarios to thank for Obama’s America. Fractional fuckery scenarios has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing. The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for fractional fuckery scenarios. A new study found that giving employees compliments and fractional fuckery scenarios can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus. The hardware store didn’t have fractional fuckery scenarios left, so I got my secret place.
The referee just issued a red card to my momma’s fatness for sliding into a disease. Taking care of a cat is easy: Leave out a disease each day, put a finely sculpted buttock in the corner and let kitty fend for herself. The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with potent neurotoxins went off early, ejecting a disease into the air! But I promised I would get my kids a disease for Christmas! I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with a disease. “You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember a disease?”
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember funding ISIS?” My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about funding ISIS. Watch me funding ISIS. Now watch me fingering. Military scientists in Syria found traces of funding ISIS in the soil. Funding ISIS? That’s my fetish! Experts said that based on preliminary data, funding ISIS appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
Blue Whaling: the disturbing internet trend in which teens commit suicide by {v}.
Blue Whaling: the disturbing internet trend in which teens commit suicide by beard stroking. Blue Whaling: the disturbing internet trend in which teens commit suicide by manhandling the merchandise. Blue Whaling: the disturbing internet trend in which teens commit suicide by rustic-looking shit that hipsters care about. Blue Whaling: the disturbing internet trend in which teens commit suicide by eating feathers. Blue Whaling: the disturbing internet trend in which teens commit suicide by being trapped in a tent. Blue Whaling: the disturbing internet trend in which teens commit suicide by a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs.
Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were ?
Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were #1 Dad? Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were compressed gas? Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were soft buns? Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were losing on purpose? Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were putting up with you? Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were a loose handrail?
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put fanny pack full of ground beef in the pillows. The city condemned our house after finding fanny pack full of ground beef in the crawlspace. They didn’t have fanny pack full of ground beef at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed a child drowning in a vat of molasses. McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of fanny pack full of ground beef. How high do you have to be to enjoy fanny pack full of ground beef in homo hot lips? Don’t leave the door open! fanny pack full of ground beef will get in.
A salesman came to the door selling {n}. I didn't open. He slid {n} under the door.
Play 2
A salesman came to the door selling fat guys dressed as Sailor Moon. I didn't open. He slid hatred for children under the door. A salesman came to the door selling a dust cloud. I didn't open. He slid booms and flashes under the door. A salesman came to the door selling this worthless orphan. I didn't open. He slid a wasted life under the door. A salesman came to the door selling a beginner anal bead. I didn't open. He slid a French knight under the door. A salesman came to the door selling bloodlust. I didn't open. He slid hot water under the door. A salesman came to the door selling a raisin or maybe rabbit poop. I didn't open. He slid a drop of blood under the door.
Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he's .
Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he's so many freakin’ cats. Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he's backing up on it. Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he's good people. Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he's family life. Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he's squirting acid. Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he's stuff Asians like.
President Reagan and his entire cabinet got my toucan, going crazy before every meeting. For my last meal I want my toucan, going crazy seasoned heavily with steady pumping. We can be my toucan, going crazy. And no one has to know. I never expected to be fingered by my toucan, going crazy. “Mommy, where do babies come from?” “Well, when there’s a Japanese woman’s underwear in love with my toucan, going crazy very much they do a... special hug.” The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate my toucan, going crazy.
When you two are done trying to get away with murder, can we please get “Cajun style” and get out of here?! It’s not delivery. It’s trying to get away with murder. After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was trying to get away with murder. I don’t need love because I’m trying to get away with murder. Sorry mom! While you’re at the store can you pick up trying to get away with murder, in family size? I make deals for my cat by trying to get away with murder with a happy ending at a low price. Oreo loves it!
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were goin' up the butt sideways, would you be goin' up the butt sideways as well?” Mom, what’s goin' up the butt sideways? The kids at school say it about you and laugh. They said goin' up the butt sideways was out of my league, but look at me now! I've got goin' up the butt sideways... and then some! When this stew is ready, goin' up the butt sideways will appear. Goin' up the butt sideways like this is enough to kill a horse! I’m late to my meeting for goin' up the butt sideways.
Pool rules: No running. No turning the frogs gay. Keep an enraged bee out of the deep end. These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was turning the frogs gay, part was wriggly little worms, and it was crowned with a stink bug. It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, turning the frogs gay, toilet paper, shelter, and a real value. 10% of all proceeds from sales of bourbon and ball-gags will go to The Turning the Frogs Gay Foundation. I’m getting another way to kill me installed in my car, so I can be turning the frogs gay while I drive. Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re turning the frogs gay and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include laser sounds spice, ropes spice, and remembering that swans can be gay spice! Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to remembering that swans can be gay, even before I put on my clothes. I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of remembering that swans can be gay came on the screen. No more remembering that swans can be gay at Starbucks. Pundits agree it will take remembering that swans can be gay for the senator to win the election. I noticed symptoms of remembering that swans can be gay, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s the key to my heart!” but I’m not sure.
An orchestra stab can only be killed by a stiff upper lip. Two best friends and an orchestra stab take a road trip, and discover a very hot pan along the way. Jesus is an orchestra stab. How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of googly eyes, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into an orchestra stab. Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “An Orchestra Stab and You”. During routine surgery, the doctors found an orchestra stab embedded in my abdomen.
