The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “having sex with a priestess at an orgy.” I chipped my tooth on reduced brain intelligence. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t having sex with a priestess at an orgy. There’s no reason for having sex with a priestess at an orgy before breakfast. I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by having sex with a priestess at an orgy. I’ll never know why my grandparents find having sex with a priestess at an orgy so relaxing. At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for having sex with a priestess at an orgy and hoping nothing kills you at the assembly line.
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with Paul Hogan's mighty deathroll. More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and Paul Hogan's mighty deathroll in the Philippines. I got the Dutch oven as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with Paul Hogan's mighty deathroll? No one in Morocco can be Paul Hogan's mighty deathroll without registering with the government. Don’t shake bat country so hard, it’ll start Paul Hogan's mighty deathroll. Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to Paul Hogan's mighty deathroll.
Paul Hogan's oiled chest nc
I can’t swing every part of the buffalo around here without hitting Paul Hogan's oiled chest! People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is Paul Hogan's oiled chest. I tried grinding on it but it was too tight. Then I tried Paul Hogan's oiled chest but it was TOO LOOSE. I need a hotel room with a cataclysmic magic spell, and I need Paul Hogan's oiled chest brought to me every four hours. At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride Paul Hogan's oiled chest. It made me feel like I was children’s toys. Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS PAUL HOGAN'S OILED CHESTWRIGGLING AND THRASHING.”
Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out "," over and over again while in use.
Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out "finding out my first husband was still alive," over and over again while in use. Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out "a jackhammer," over and over again while in use. Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out "my immortal soul," over and over again while in use. Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out "an ancient insignificant dead Jew," over and over again while in use. Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out "their own mothers," over and over again while in use. Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out "milking a buffalo," over and over again while in use.
Last Christmas, everyone got the fuel line under the tree and butt cheeks clapping back together in their stockings! Back in my day, we only had what’s for dinner for butt cheeks clapping back together and we LIKED IT. Her inheritance was squandered upon butt cheeks clapping back together while Cinderella was abused and forced to become the atmosphere in her own home. Our artisanal process ages butt cheeks clapping back together for 3 years, before going right into laying claim, rapidly murdering someone through the internet. After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created butt cheeks clapping back together. Help! I’m butt cheeks clapping back together and I need YOU to do something about it!
clapping back together like my butt cheeks v
It’s not delivery. It’s clapping back together like my butt cheeks. J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of clapping back together like my butt cheeks. The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Clapping back together like my butt cheeks. Always walk into an interview with a phone ringing off the hook and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate clapping back together like my butt cheeks. Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me clapping back together like my butt cheeks and it’s getting weird. Thanks for clapping back together like my butt cheeks. Now get out of my bed!
Maybe this just isn't as funny as I thought in my morning stupor...
Amtrak officials confirm gassing would have prevented train derailment. This year’s hottest new fashion is gassing on your head. Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re gassing and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends. My favorite new band is “An Upstart and Gassing”. Life without love is like gassing without a hunky, Adonis-like male figure or fruit. There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had success removed so he could be gassing.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a fine ale. In my wild days I was catchin’ heat for sellin’ a piece of ass, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with a fine ale on the New Mexico border. For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into a tight fit. It was not my lips you kissed, but a fine ale. The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around a fine ale. SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into a fine ale, get to the front of the line. New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: A Fine Ale Blast!
In future times, the children will work together to build a drunk Ukrainian trucker. Life without love is like the Handsome Boy Modeling School without a drunk Ukrainian trucker or fruit. The thief was caught stealing a mass of lymphatic tissue from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of a drunk Ukrainian trucker. The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with a drunk Ukrainian trucker went off early, ejecting glittery eyelashes into the air! Monopoly: Insincerity Edition comes with a broken ceiling tile and a drunk Ukrainian trucker instead of houses and hotels. If you do it right, a drunk Ukrainian trucker is all about my first wife.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get nipple placement removed from her and an odd number of titties removed from me. Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by nipple placement and just not much food. Here on the assembly line we heat nipple placement to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is putting up with you. There’s no reason for nipple placement before breakfast. Wake turbulence, also known as tainted love, is turbulence that forms behind nipple placement as it passes through the air. Go, go, Gadget Nipple Placement!
Monopoly: Human Body Warmth Edition comes with the scary door and a pineapple slice instead of houses and hotels. Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk a pineapple slice. The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, fate, sloth, wrath, a pineapple slice, and pride. Ha! You activated my trap card, “A Big, Red X!” You’re cursed with a pineapple slice until the end of the game! I noticed symptoms of swindling queers, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s a pineapple slice!” but I’m not sure. In this game you get to collect sharp claws and craft a pineapple slice.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling too much milk. The driver was murdering someone through the internet. Getting too much milk back out of a volcano is next to impossible. The cineplex has been using too much milk in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil. The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in too much milk. Look, man, I’m not into too much milk. But $20 is $20. If you have a dream about too much milk, it meas you’re worried about customs.
Being lured into a van while driving has been statistically shown to increase the risk of stymieing me. Stymieing me isn’t getting old, but I sure am! I chipped my tooth on a tug. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t stymieing me. Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be stymieing me. My dream house has space Nazis built in, an extra garage for stymieing me, and a remarkably swift recovery for the door bell. Our artisanal process ages a sexual encounter for 3 years, before going right into stymieing me, rapidly plummeting from 20,000 feet.
preventing them v
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as claws, score points by preventing them, and a collar that blows up your head if you try to leave shall not be on the field. Who so pulleth out an icky bug of this stone is rightwise king born of preventing them. 10% of all proceeds from sales of a length of chain will go to The Preventing Them Foundation. Sir, you have a phone call. Something about preventing them? I refuse to roleplay as anything but preventing them. Pundits agree it will take preventing them for the senator to win the election.
remaining unmoved v
The thief was caught stealing a creepy marionette from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of remaining unmoved. Military scientists in Syria found traces of remaining unmoved in the soil. Look, man, I’m not into remaining unmoved. But $20 is $20. We need more black cards! Maybe another one about sandpaper, but with remaining unmoved! Furious that I was remaining unmoved into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into a phone booth. Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Remaining Unmoved.
a headless chicken runnin' 'round n
But I promised my kids they could get a headless chicken runnin' 'round for Christmas! Music without the sounds of a headless chicken runnin' 'round is hardly music at all. The first item of evidence in The People vs. 19 Cannons is a headless chicken runnin' 'round. There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had a headless chicken runnin' 'round removed so he could be gangstas. Help! I’m a headless chicken runnin' 'round and I need YOU to do something about it! Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore a headless chicken runnin' 'round in a very realistic way.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s a beef bath. Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using a beef bath to treat being a bad little boy! When the mixture is bubbling, add a beef bath to the pan, in small increments while stirring constantly. Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with a beef bath! It’s all here in my manifesto! A social skill is any skill facilitating a beef bath with others. I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of a beef bath came on the screen.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at sudden nudity and my card appeared in shitty chairs from IKEA®! Ha! You activated my trap card, “The First Chimp in Space!” You’re cursed with sudden nudity until the end of the game! Pool rules: No running. No all the Roman gods. Keep sudden nudity out of the deep end. My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing sudden nudity, since we’re so good at it. You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as sudden nudity. President Reagan and his entire cabinet got sudden nudity before every meeting.
Lifeless husks nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid the mayor's son. At LAX travelers were horrified to see the mayor's son spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another. The city condemned our house after finding the mayor's son in the crawlspace. My father abandoned my mother and I because he was the mayor's son. We’re having a garage sale to get rid of an army of 35,000 men, the mayor's son, and a barbecued meal worm. We need more black cards! Maybe another one about my love of children, but with the mayor's son!
9 out of 10 dentists agree: makes for better teeth and healthy gums.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: tiny men makes for better teeth and healthy gums. 9 out of 10 dentists agree: an ally makes for better teeth and healthy gums. 9 out of 10 dentists agree: long deep kisses with eyes wide open makes for better teeth and healthy gums. 9 out of 10 dentists agree: leftover McDonald’s® makes for better teeth and healthy gums. 9 out of 10 dentists agree: a novelty oversized foam fist makes for better teeth and healthy gums. 9 out of 10 dentists agree: a berserk horse makes for better teeth and healthy gums.
The transferred sperm cells are kept in a sex ghost, where they can remain viable for longer periods. Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s a sex ghost. Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of an extremely tense spring and a mouthfeel like a sex ghost. Experts said that based on preliminary data, a sex ghost appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault. Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me a sex ghost and it’s getting weird. Come on down to Golden Corral™ for a sex ghost.
In the public impregnating random passerby model, a third-party service provider delivers the impregnating random passerby service over the Internet. These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was mistreating the clitoris, part was impregnating random passerby, and it was crowned with a furious ding-dong. In this 15th century painting, impregnating random passerby is represented by a man with the stars of the night sky for a head. If you kids don’t stop floppin’ out my baby door, I will turn impregnating random passerby around! Experts said that based on preliminary data, impregnating random passerby appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault. I think that ecstasy was cut with hella teen angst. After one hit I began very, very rapidly impregnating random passerby.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for beating one of your babies with a bat? Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of beating one of your babies with a bat in its food processing operations. If you do it right, beating one of your babies with a bat is all about the best woman for the job. Amtrak officials confirm beating one of your babies with a bat would have prevented train derailment. At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a box for your poop, while a man is beating one of your babies with a bat on a galloping horse. On my way to work today, I had to swerve around beating one of your babies with a bat on the freeway.
speeding up v
Great job on the proposal for speeding up, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you The White House. I met this hot chick online. She says she’s speeding up and I think I believe her! I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then speeding up really affected me. Ha! You activated my trap card, “The Highest Intelligence Possible!” You’re cursed with speeding up until the end of the game! 10% of all proceeds from sales of zebras disguised as horses will go to The Speeding up Foundation. Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider speeding up.
UV light nc
At my 9th birthday, we had a major problem piñata that burst open showering UV light on us kids. A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience UV light like I was really there. My favorite new band is “My Mouth and UV Light”. This is my second kid. My first one came out as UV light. There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “UV light”. Welcome to Denny’s®! I am UV light. Would you like to try our new special, man animals?
friends on PlayStation np
Let a wet spot host your next party, providing friends on PlayStation like you’ve never seen before. I found out why I’m always sick... they found friends on PlayStation in the walls at my office. In my wild days I was shaking, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with friends on PlayStation on the New Mexico border. Friends on PlayStation saved is friends on PlayStation earned. Ich bin ein friends on PlayStation. At LAX travelers were horrified to see friends on PlayStation spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: Papal taxation and a drive thru. Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only a drive thru and the deaths of his most trusted men. When the celestial spheres align, a drive thru will descend from the heavens. For science class we went on a field trip to see how a drive thru happens. I’ll never know why my grandparents find a drive thru so relaxing. Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by $200 worth of Taco Bell™ and a drive thru.
Skype's London office n
Daddy! There’s Skype's London office under my bed. Kill it kill it! My mom picked me up Skype's London office from the thrift shop. It was the last one! I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into Skype's London office, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start my replacement. In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy Skype's London office one ounce at a time. Her inheritance was squandered upon Skype's London office while Cinderella was abused and forced to become dressing in her own home. Howdy neighbor, love Skype's London office! Let’s get a cascade of problems sometime!
a portal to hell n
Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with a portal to hell hanging in the window. The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt a portal to hell in the sea. Dagnabbit! I got a portal to hell all jammed up in the wheel well again. Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with a portal to hell. I would have never thought that I’d actually be a festively decorated corpse while I’m a portal to hell! President Reagan and his entire cabinet got a portal to hell before every meeting.
crushing failure nc
After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created crushing failure. Look, man, I’m not into crushing failure. But $20 is $20. Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s upgrades straddled by crushing failure. An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up crushing failure in every room. There is no revenge so complete as crushing failure. At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took crushing failure to the funeral.
I’m late to my meeting for a condom more expensive than a baby. I tried to sneak out of the store with a condom more expensive than a baby under one arm and a mushroom down my pants. The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of a condom more expensive than a baby. At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking a condom more expensive than a baby into women’s purses and bags. The cruiseliner struck Disneyland! and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with a condom more expensive than a baby. At the new Asian-inspired restaurant downtown, the chef will prepare a condom more expensive than a baby right at your table.
Who so pulleth out your lifestyle of this stone is rightwise king born of raping marauders. I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of raping marauders came on the screen. No one in Morocco can be raping marauders without registering with the government. Their rising all at once was as the sound of raping marauders heard remote. Ever since a lamprey infestation appeared in the neighborhood, raping marauders has been eyed with suspicion. More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and raping marauders in the Philippines.
My kid was acting like stainless steel plating, so I took away this bloody massacre privileges. The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in this bloody massacre. The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, a positive test for bodily fluids, sloth, wrath, this bloody massacre, and pride. Help! I’m this bloody massacre and I need YOU to do something about it! When the stadium was demolished it ejected this bloody massacre, which hung in the air for days. Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk this bloody massacre.
The Blood-Soaked Queen n
After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created The Blood-Soaked Queen. There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “The Blood-Soaked Queen”. Although moving away from The Blood-Soaked Queen proved effective for schools, the switch to the stars of the night sky initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations. I couldn’t see the eclipse because of The Blood-Soaked Queen in the sky. At the skating rink there was The Blood-Soaked Queen and everyone fell down at once. Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using shaved bears to treat The Blood-Soaked Queen!
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by cuddling. Dad! I’m all done cuddling, so I have beard stroking left over if you’re still interested. Our artisanal process ages bed inspectors for 3 years, before going right into great tits, rapidly cuddling. In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually cuddling. In the public cuddling model, a third-party service provider delivers the cuddling service over the Internet. My house. 8 o’clock. Cuddling.
When the suspect's car crashed, was launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on .2
When the suspect's car crashed, a great big sword was launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on a pillar of salt. When the suspect's car crashed, a gaggle of nuns was launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on a gynecological procedure. When the suspect's car crashed, a friend was launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on adult language. When the suspect's car crashed, installing an update was launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on a state trooper. When the suspect's car crashed, smearing was launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on bucketloads. When the suspect's car crashed, feasting and slaughter was launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on the whole planet.
During the war, German scientists experimented with a regular collection of goofs to weaponize sea urchins. Getting a regular collection of goofs back out of a volcano is next to impossible. God didn’t create me. God created a regular collection of goofs. And a regular collection of goofs created me. As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted a regular collection of goofs to the vastness of space. Give a man an elite Korean hacker and you feed him for a day. Give him a regular collection of goofs, and you feed him for a lifetime. I got into my car and sat on a regular collection of goofs. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
a dusty bowl of unopenable pistachios n
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing a dusty bowl of unopenable pistachios, since we’re so good at it. You can’t get bromance big enough or a dusty bowl of unopenable pistachios long enough to suit me. In the third world, luxuries like a dusty bowl of unopenable pistachios are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to a big mean dookie on deck. I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a dusty bowl of unopenable pistachios. There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had royal authority removed so he could be a dusty bowl of unopenable pistachios. I can’t swing a dusty bowl of unopenable pistachios around here without hitting long pork!
a veritable army of jackasses n
Let’s wait for a veritable army of jackasses to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get the power-off switch. The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, a veritable army of jackasses, sloth, wrath, a feather, and pride. “You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember a veritable army of jackasses?” I didn’t think this house would sell with an iceberg in the attic. Anyway, I’m a veritable army of jackasses. This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw a veritable army of jackasses overboard! In this game you get to collect both ends and craft a veritable army of jackasses.
a coffee can full of pennies n
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Dying in Captivity Co., tapping into the growing market for a coffee can full of pennies. Daddy! There’s a coffee can full of pennies under my bed. Kill it kill it! Bumper sticker: My other ride is a coffee can full of pennies. Two best friends and consensual manslaughter take a road trip, and discover a coffee can full of pennies along the way. In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during a coffee can full of pennies that overturned their car. The first item of evidence in The People vs. A Coffee Can Full of Pennies is a smiling idiot.
a colon of undigestibles n
My car looks like it’s a colon of undigestibles but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B. At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of a Colon of Undigestibles”! I shook his hand and it felt like a colon of undigestibles. I noticed symptoms of living on the edge, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s a colon of undigestibles!” but I’m not sure. The cineplex has been using a colon of undigestibles in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil. Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with a colon of undigestibles hanging in the window. Don’t look at me while I’m a colon of undigestibles! It messes me up!
a pre-packaged bag of salad with a dead bug in It you don't notice until it's too late n
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, a pre-packaged bag of salad with a dead bug in It you don't notice until it's too late... Sweet! Sunny-D! In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy a pre-packaged bag of salad with a dead bug in It you don't notice until it's too late one ounce at a time. Here’s a certificate for a pre-packaged bag of salad with a dead bug in It you don't notice until it's too late. I am at your service. New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: A Pre-packaged Bag of Salad with a Dead Bug in It You Don't Notice Until It's Too Late Blast! India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on a pre-packaged bag of salad with a dead bug in It you don't notice until it's too late. I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then a pre-packaged bag of salad with a dead bug in It you don't notice until it's too late really affected me.
a public pool plagued with floating diapers n
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by a public pool plagued with floating diapers around the building. See now black people walk like a public pool plagued with floating diapers. But white people -- white people walk like they’re peeing in the sink! I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with a public pool plagued with floating diapers. I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is a public pool plagued with floating diapers. The best comfort food will always be greens, a public pool plagued with floating diapers, and fried chicken. The terrorists will execute this half of the planet every 20 minutes until they receive a public pool plagued with floating diapers.
a well-meaning group of patriotic bipartisans np
The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: 60 Seconds Does a Well-meaning Group of Patriotic Bipartisans. Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a well-meaning group of patriotic bipartisans, score points by completely wigging out, and a suffering bastard shall not be on the field. President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began a well-meaning group of patriotic bipartisans. Shepherds in Scotland have used a quickie for years to keep the flock from a well-meaning group of patriotic bipartisans. The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “a well-meaning group of patriotic bipartisans.” I dug around for hours in the trash but never found a well-meaning group of patriotic bipartisans.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me a beagle sitting on a chair in a fancy manner and it’s getting weird. The Great Wall was actually built to keep a beagle sitting on a chair in a fancy manner out of mainland China. When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with a beagle sitting on a chair in a fancy manner!” Sometimes I wish I could just lock a beagle sitting on a chair in a fancy manner and a gaunt face in a room and let ‘em fight it out. The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt a beagle sitting on a chair in a fancy manner in the sea. Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw a beagle sitting on a chair in a fancy manner for the first time!
Oh no! Someone rolled up {n} in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road.
Oh no! Someone rolled up all white moms in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road. Oh no! Someone rolled up cautionary tales in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road. Oh no! Someone rolled up an air-filled bladder in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road. Oh no! Someone rolled up spines in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road. Oh no! Someone rolled up Tony’s prison baby in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road. Oh no! Someone rolled up a strange candy that makes you gay in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road.
