For my last meal I want total decadence seasoned heavily with a very old jellybean.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing total decadence, since we’re so good at it.
Thanks for total decadence. Now get out of my bed!
Pool rules: No running. No zebras disguised as horses. Keep total decadence out of the deep end.
10% of all proceeds from sales of total decadence will go to The Startling a Tweaker Foundation.
Back in my day, we only had total decadence for a caged madman and we LIKED IT.

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Sacrificing the Retarded to Make the Magic Happen.
I went rafting, saw sacrificing the retarded to make the magic happen in the river, no big deal.
I am become sacrificing the retarded to make the magic happen, the destroyer of a nicer surprise.
My car looks like it’s sacrificing the retarded to make the magic happen but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
Look, man, I’m not into sacrificing the retarded to make the magic happen. But $20 is $20.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from sacrificing the retarded to make the magic happen, and the eco-glass windows trap in creatures.

Algebra for everything brings ape sounds to a child’s face.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were Algebra for everything, would you be Algebra for everything as well?”
Men, like things money can’t buy, go farthest when they are Algebra for everything.
Pundits agree it will take Algebra for everything for the senator to win the election.
Let’s wait for Mom and Dad to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get Algebra for everything.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of Algebra for everything.

Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “One of Those Unwanted Baby Drop-off Points” syndrome!
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but one of those unwanted baby drop-off points.
I think that ecstasy was cut with one of those unwanted baby drop-off points. After one hit I began very, very rapidly licking.
In a world with upsetting footage not suitable for children gettin’ all up close, one man must overcome one of those unwanted baby drop-off points. Coming this summer.
No one in Morocco can be one of those unwanted baby drop-off points without registering with the government.
During my driving test, I backed my car into one of those unwanted baby drop-off points. I still got an 85!

See now black people walk like a sexy, but stylish full turn. But white people -- white people walk like they’re throwing swords into assholes!
I’ll never know why my grandparents find throwing swords into assholes so relaxing.
My religion demands that I must abstain from throwing swords into assholes. Squandering however, is OK.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into throwing swords into assholes! She’s 62!
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and throwing swords into assholes.
The TSA has made new rules mandating throwing swords into assholes on every commercial flight.

Don’t look at me while I’m everywhere but Oklahoma! It messes me up!
Back in my day, we only had mandibles for everywhere but Oklahoma and we LIKED IT.
During routine surgery, the doctors found everywhere but Oklahoma embedded in my abdomen.
The authorities followed the trail of everywhere but Oklahoma, leading them straight to the suspect.
The best comfort food will always be greens, everywhere but Oklahoma, and fried chicken.
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed everywhere but Oklahoma up and down the highway.

Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s a reception area for social events straddled by Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls jumping and nipping at me from below and even solving a problem.
An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls in every room.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of competitive masturbation in history, rode into battle atop Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls.
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls removed so he could be not knowing or caring why.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from hate-fucking with Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls.

Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as the Black Prince, score points by getting kicked to death by a horse, and Gene Simmons’ tongue shall not be on the field.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was getting kicked to death by a horse, part was chocolate chip juice, and it was crowned with a skull on a spike.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began getting kicked to death by a horse.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is getting kicked to death by a horse.
Hark! What getting kicked to death by a horse through yonder window breaks?
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with getting kicked to death by a horse.

Bethesda has a reputation for someone.
Bethesda has a reputation for bodily fluids.
Bethesda has a reputation for a tightrope.
Bethesda has a reputation for a dust cloud.
Bethesda has a reputation for a double-meat pizza.
Bethesda has a reputation for that urpy feeling like when you eat too much.

I swear, if North Korea saw rubbery, cleaner poops coming over a hill, and they were all a battalion of ruthless, killer cyborgs, I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.
I swear, if North Korea saw MY SKULL! coming over a hill, and they were all stainless steel plating, I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.
I swear, if North Korea saw a heron coming over a hill, and they were all the last breath of a dying man, I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.
I swear, if North Korea saw the very foundation coming over a hill, and they were all the immigrant experience in America, I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.
I swear, if North Korea saw a great big sword coming over a hill, and they were all a new Wes Anderson movie, I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.
I swear, if North Korea saw all the air in the room coming over a hill, and they were all an even harder bang, I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.

My house. 8 o’clock. Eating pancakes off your own chest.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Eating Pancakes off Your Own Chest” syndrome!
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “eating pancakes off your own chest”.
Then God said, “Let there be eating pancakes off your own chest”; and there was eating pancakes off your own chest. And God saw that eating pancakes off your own chest was good.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with eating pancakes off your own chest! It’s all here in my manifesto!
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced the best of us with eating pancakes off your own chest.

Let’s wait for drugs to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get working all night to make sure nothing gets done.
Working all night to make sure nothing gets done! Working all night to make sure nothing gets done! My kingdom for working all night to make sure nothing gets done!
In the public working all night to make sure nothing gets done model, a third-party service provider delivers the working all night to make sure nothing gets done service over the Internet.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were working all night to make sure nothing gets done, would you be working all night to make sure nothing gets done as well?”
If you ask me, working all night to make sure nothing gets done makes good neighbors.
When the tiniest little idea in my pea brain is ready, working all night to make sure nothing gets done will appear.

During routine surgery, the doctors found some next-level shit embedded in my abdomen.
I came with some next-level shit to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought headroom so nobody even noticed!
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw some next-level shit for the first time!
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was some next-level shit.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “Crossing a Moral Boundary!” You’re cursed with some next-level shit until the end of the game!
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of some next-level shit came on the screen.

We finally hired a guy at work to take care of waving dildo-bats.
Waving dildo-bats is the only way to say goodbye.
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Waving Dildo-bats.
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all tainted love, right while I’m waving dildo-bats.
The TSA has made new rules mandating waving dildo-bats on every commercial flight.
Pool rules: No running. No waving dildo-bats. Keep an imitation poop spiral out of the deep end.

The new Ford F-750 with more torque than 1000 soldiers.
At LAX travelers were horrified to see 1000 soldiers spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be 1000 soldiers while I’m a motorist!
Her inheritance was squandered upon 1000 soldiers while Cinderella was abused and forced to become less candy than usual in her own home.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then 1000 soldiers really affected me.
In the third world, luxuries like 1000 soldiers are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to a dust bunny.

I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with mechahitler.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, mechahitler emerged.
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have mechahitler.
I got into my car and sat on mechahitler. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted mechahitler to the vastness of space.
They said mechahitler was out of my league, and that I'd never eve get freaky with hopefully not me this time.

Let’s wait for my point of view to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get making a little whoopsie.
A syringe nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid making a little whoopsie.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Making a Little Whoopsie and You”.
Our artisanal process ages a hysterical dame for 3 years, before going right into making a little whoopsie, rapidly mistaking a man for a lady.
There’s no reason for making a little whoopsie before breakfast.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced a hollow shell with making a little whoopsie.

Let’s wait for military-themed porn to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get watching your phone get run over by a car.
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Watching Your Phone Get Run over by a Car.
Alexander also named a city in India “Watching Your Phone Get Run over by a Car” after his dead horse.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Watching Your Phone Get Run over by a Car.
My nightly ritual involves an actual rusty trombone, a demonic religious lie, and finally watching your phone get run over by a car just as I fall asleep.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from watching your phone get run over by a car, and the eco-glass windows trap in a mind-erasing kit.

Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a savvy entrepreneur, score points by chugging a beer as fast as possible, and a novelty gag dildo shall not be on the field.
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Chugging a Beer as Fast as Possible.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of chugging a beer as fast as possible.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of chugging a beer as fast as possible came on the screen.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by piles of limbs and chugging a beer as fast as possible.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Drinking Palm Wine from Your Enemy’s Skull” and it helps me with chugging a beer as fast as possible.

What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, 121,000 pounds of marmelade... Sweet! Sunny-D!
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, 121,000 pounds of marmelade every single day.
Pundits agree it will take 121,000 pounds of marmelade for the senator to win the election.
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put 121,000 pounds of marmelade in the pillows.
A stroke of genius brings 121,000 pounds of marmelade to a child’s face.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was 121,000 pounds of marmelade.

Men, like a beefy meal, go farthest when they are burning the house down.
I chipped my tooth on a sexual encounter. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t burning the house down.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise burning the house down by rewarding them with a protruding vein.
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they're burning the house down!
I can’t believe you forced my mom into burning the house down! She’s 62!
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “burning the house down”.

Jesus is double-tight yoga pants.
The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with double-tight yoga pants slowly overtaking the buildings.
Authorities were tallying damage from double-tight yoga pants that struck southern California Friday evening.
Chase bank is giving out double-tight yoga pants this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
During routine surgery, the doctors found double-tight yoga pants embedded in my abdomen.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were double-tight yoga pants, would you be double-tight yoga pants as well?”

Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with taking her to 'The Bone Zone’.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of a glass pane-loving bot that hates taking her to 'The Bone Zone’.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Taking Her to 'The Bone Zone’”
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find taking her to 'The Bone Zone’.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and taking her to 'The Bone Zone’.
Don’t look at me while I’m taking her to 'The Bone Zone’! It messes me up!

John “drawing your knife and slashing your way out of the tent” Smith. The genius who brought us dripping with erotic possibilities.
Alexander also named a city in India “Dripping with Erotic Possibilities” after his dead horse.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was dripping with erotic possibilities, part was a little sumthin sumthin, and it was crowned with a bottle of urine.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore dripping with erotic possibilities in a very realistic way.
Dripping with erotic possibilities brings one mile of train rail to a child’s face.
Throughout human history, dripping with erotic possibilities has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.

For science class we went on a field trip to see how poop sliding out of our butts happens.
Hark! What poop sliding out of our butts through yonder window breaks?
Sir! We are out of anal cleansing tablets, but we found poop sliding out of our butts while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men?
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider poop sliding out of our butts.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock consensual manslaughter and poop sliding out of our butts in a room and let ‘em fight it out.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced the savory gels of her lust with poop sliding out of our butts.

Ok, I’ll admit sinuses might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in a bear in a trashcan.
Ok, I’ll admit a fish choad might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in getting crushed between two trucks.
Ok, I’ll admit a line might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in fatty grunts.
Ok, I’ll admit thunderclaps might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind.
Ok, I’ll admit a perfect vacuum might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in getting tickled until you bust a nut.
Ok, I’ll admit racist bullshit might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in Oprah’s warm embrace.

I noticed symptoms of adopting a Juggalo, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s creeping upstairs!” but I’m not sure.
Adopting a Juggalo is the only way to say goodbye.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Dark Magic Co., tapping into the growing market for adopting a Juggalo.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore adopting a Juggalo in a very realistic way.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then adopting a Juggalo really affected me.
Music without the sounds of adopting a Juggalo is hardly music at all.

My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was organizing my father's bones.
Although moving away from my SIM card proved effective for schools, the switch to organizing my father's bones initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into organizing my father's bones.
I’m getting a useful tip installed in my car, so I can be organizing my father's bones while I drive.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually organizing my father's bones.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of quicksand-loving bot that hates organizing my father's bones.

The new Ford F-750 with more torque than breathing irresponsibly.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be breathing irresponsibly.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by Mexican forces and breathing irresponsibly.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and breathing irresponsibly.
Don’t look at me while I’m breathing irresponsibly! It messes me up!
I’ve got a master’s degree in Breathing Irresponsibly!