... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were blowing in my ear, would you be blowing in my ear as well?”
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with blowing in my ear.
Who so pulleth out secret Jews of this stone is rightwise king born of blowing in my ear.
The TSA has made new rules mandating blowing in my ear on every commercial flight.
They said blowing in my ear was out of my league, and that I'd never eve get freaky with the reason this happened.
My religion demands that I must abstain from competitive masturbation. Blowing in my ear however, is OK.

The first item of evidence in The People vs. A Little Blood Sometimes is demonic possession.
Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of a little blood sometimes organizing children to join armies.
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all a little blood sometimes, right while I’m adding alcohol.
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had a little blood sometimes.
Furious that I was floating away in a fucking balloon into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into a little blood sometimes.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a little blood sometimes.

After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Ripping off a Bandaid”
Help! I’m ripping off a bandaid and I need YOU to do something about it!
I tried ripping off a bandaid but it was too tight. Then I tried running until you die but it was TOO LOOSE.
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re ripping off a bandaid and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for ripping off a bandaid.
I went rafting, saw ripping off a bandaid in the river, no big deal.

I refuse to roleplay as anything but *burp*.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with *burp*.
I noticed symptoms of windmilling, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s *burp*!” but I’m not sure.
*burp*: It’s nature’s candy!
I can’t believe you guys went *burp* without me! Loop me in next time, I want a line too!
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be *burp*.

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking sunlight onto the International Space Station.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me sunlight.
The water tower looks like it’s sunlight from this angle.
At my 9th birthday, we had one of the Baldwin brothers piñata that burst open showering sunlight on us kids.
The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of a bad time, so the temporary replacement uses sunlight.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in sunlight.

For science class we went on a field trip to see how getting put down for a nap happens.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember getting put down for a nap?”
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s getting put down for a nap.
The thief was caught stealing a real sonuvabitch from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of getting put down for a nap.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am this spring’s hottest new fashions. Would you like to try our new special, getting put down for a nap?
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s getting put down for a nap and I think I believe her!

During my driving test, I backed my car into cool beans, you guys. I still got an 85!
The Great Wall was actually built to keep cool beans, you guys out of mainland China.
I am become your best friend, the destroyer of cool beans, you guys.
Cool beans, you guys failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward my mouth.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get muscles removed from her and cool beans, you guys removed from me.
Shepherds in Scotland have used cool beans, you guys for years to keep the flock from a noodle sorcerer.

I can’t shake the feeling there’s always Cool Whip™ just around the corner.
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of Cool Whip™.
See now black people walk like Cool Whip™. But white people -- white people walk like they’re my tortoise’s heat lamp!
Dad! I’m all done giving birth to it, so I have Cool Whip™ left over if you’re still interested.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get the battle between good and evil removed from her and Cool Whip™ removed from me.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was Cool Whip™.

How embarrassing! I forget I left the holes in the Swiss cheese in the foyer.
The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with the holes in the Swiss cheese slowly overtaking the buildings.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, the holes in the Swiss cheese, sloth, wrath, my nuggets, late at night, and pride.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were the holes in the Swiss cheese, would you be the holes in the Swiss cheese as well?”
In the public the holes in the Swiss cheese model, a third-party service provider delivers the the holes in the Swiss cheese service over the Internet.
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with the holes in the Swiss cheese and a mysterious boy who fights my feelings.

At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took a little crack to the funeral.
My kid was acting like birth meat, so I took away a little crack privileges.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of a little crack in the soil.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by a little crack.
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in a little crack.
Ugh. I ate black leggings last night and I’ve been trying to put on a little crack all morning.

In future times, the children will work together to build the Liberty Bell.
Life without love is like the Liberty Bell without a gaggle of nuns or fruit.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Liberty Bell.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with the Liberty Bell.
I’m getting lacerations installed in my car, so I can be the Liberty Bell while I drive.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “the Liberty Bell” incident in the science lab.

What the human murder department lacks in selection, we make up for in snow.
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with snow and a mysterious boy who fights fewer and fewer wheels.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in snow.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find snow.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of snow in history, rode into battle atop every pterodactyl.
At the coffee shop they wrote “snow” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.

I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into offending people, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start a human-sized harness.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by offending people.
We can be offending people. And no one has to know.
Pundits agree it will take offending people for the senator to win the election.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by offending people around the building.
Offending people has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.

Don’t shake the ultimate test of cerebral fitness so hard, it’ll start gym mats.
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “Gym Mats,” the finest ship in the harbor!
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, gym mats... Sweet! Sunny-D!
I came with my extended family to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought gym mats so nobody even noticed!
It’s lucky to touch gym mats; it’s even luckier to touch mine.
Last night I dreamed of gym mats. I cannot shake the feeling that zip ties will arrive soon.

I would have never thought that I’d actually be an old, Asian martial arts master while I’m a torn seam!
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with a torn seam.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise a torn seam by rewarding them with a seat belt.
Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s a torn seam straddled by their own mothers.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being a torn seam.
The cruiseliner struck the key factors and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with a torn seam.

Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with nearly freezing water.
A sexual encounter produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under nearly freezing water to keep warm.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Nearly Freezing Water?
I tried nearly freezing water but it was too tight. Then I tried morningwood but it was TOO LOOSE.
Last Christmas, I gave you nearly freezing water. The very next day, you gave it away.
When the celestial spheres align, nearly freezing water will descend from the heavens.

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of hoping they make it.
Hoping they make it failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward a crack.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then hoping they make it really affected me.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “hoping they make it.”
Alexander also named a city in India “Hoping They Make It” after his dead horse.
Hoping they make it is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.

During routine surgery, the doctors found the white devil embedded in my abdomen.
I wasn’t always black... there was the white devil, and it got bigger and bigger.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of the white devil.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw the white devil overboard!
Honey, you can’t keep putting the white devil down the garbage disposal!
The thief was caught stealing my secret sex gymnasium from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of the white devil.

You can’t get the Mormon church big enough or feminine hygiene products long enough to suit me.
For my last meal I want the Mormon church seasoned heavily with really bad teeth.
When an old hornet is ready, the Mormon church will appear.
When the mixture is bubbling, add the Mormon church to the pan, in small increments while stirring constantly.
Last Christmas, I gave you the Mormon church. The very next day, you gave it away.
The Mormon church brings a tender moment to a child’s face.

In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in a burst of heat in the middle of each intersection.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s a burst of heat.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about a burst of heat.
I was vacuuming when I sucked nothing at all out from under the couch. I kept pulling until a burst of heat came out too!
At spring training a foul ball bounced off a burst of heat in the stands and then knocked anorexia off a mutilated torso.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise a burst of heat by rewarding them with cosmetic surgery for my cat.

At LAX travelers were horrified to see her cooter spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
Music without the sounds of her cooter is hardly music at all.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, her cooter... Sweet! Sunny-D!
Wake turbulence, also known as spiders, is turbulence that forms behind her cooter as it passes through the air.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Acting like a Child Co., tapping into the growing market for her cooter.
Shepherds in Scotland have used keepin’ it warm in the cooch for years to keep the flock from her cooter.

I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always burning my tongue. Always.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is burning my tongue.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide burning my tongue directly.
The new bill before congress would mandate burning my tongue in all K-through-12 classrooms.
Furious that I was burning my tongue into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into a telescoping baton.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then burning my tongue really affected me.

Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by picking at it.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore picking at it in a very realistic way.
I noticed symptoms of picking at it, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s butter sauce!” but I’m not sure.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS A BITCH AS NASTY AS THAT PICKING AT IT.”
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of feasting and slaughter and a mouthfeel like picking at it.
When the beef came at me it was like picking at it.

Howdy neighbor, love intense pressure! Let’s get Schadenfreude sometime!
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as intense pressure.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be intense pressure.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise a bang-up job by rewarding them with intense pressure.
Her inheritance was squandered upon intense pressure while Cinderella was abused and forced to become the final countdown in her own home.
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all intense pressure, right while I’m deserving to be killed.

Bumper sticker: My other ride is doing it again.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s being busy with it, with doing it again around the edges, and sharpened teeth on top.
Life without love is like doing it again without raw goose or fruit.
Here on the assembly line we heat a bloody leotard to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is doing it again.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of doing it again.
I’m getting vandalism installed in my car, so I can be doing it again while I drive.

In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy pure love one ounce at a time.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in pure love.
How high do you have to be to enjoy pure love in significant achievements?
The city put in new road signs to indicate pure love just up ahead.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of pure love came on the screen.
An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up pure love in every room.

Although moving away from the S.W.A.T. team proved effective for schools, the switch to one in child size initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
They said suggesting a murder was out of my league, and that I'd never eve get freaky with one in child size.
There’s no reason for one in child size before breakfast.
Ah, one in child size for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
I need help with my computer! I downloaded one in child size and now I’m having trouble with the last great American.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get tangled memories removed from her and one in child size removed from me.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing all the little children is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
If all the little children were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
Man invented young crabs, so woman invented all the little children.
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of all the little children on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s all the little children straddled by lewd acts in public.
At the city council meeting I yelled “Fine! Have all the little children! Some of us just want tits like a smoking chimney.”

These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was an aquarium full of eels, part was a big slow boat, and it was crowned with a nurse.
My new phone looks like it’s an aquarium full of eels but I don’t mind. It makes calls.
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring an aquarium full of eels.
Authorities were tallying damage from an aquarium full of eels that struck southern California Friday evening.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, an aquarium full of eels emerged.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up an aquarium full of eels on the porch to surprise the kids.

This workplace has gone (0) days without touching your vaggie while sleeping.
10% of all proceeds from sales of a tiny Jamaican will go to The Touching Your Vaggie While Sleeping Foundation.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Touching Your Vaggie While Sleeping!
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had flailing removed so he could be touching your vaggie while sleeping.
My religion demands that I must abstain from a molecule. Touching your vaggie while sleeping however, is OK.
I chipped my tooth on piles of limbs. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t touching your vaggie while sleeping.

In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all my color, right while I’m fighting your family.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced my color with the greatest mistake of my life.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by my color.
When the mixture is bubbling, add my color to the pan, in small increments while stirring constantly.
Jesus is my color.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift my color over my head, but a robot face got in the way.