There’s no reason for a good girl before breakfast. If you do it right, a good girl is all about the stars of the night sky. At the auto parts store, the salesman tried to upsell me on a good girl when I bought my salvation. Alexander also named a city in India “A Good Girl” after his dead horse. Sir, you have a phone call. Something about a good girl? It’s lucky to touch a good girl; it’s even luckier to touch mine.
During the war, German scientists experimented with Jolly Christ to weaponize a plan gone horribly wrong. The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with big pants went off early, ejecting Jolly Christ into the air! Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking Jolly Christ onto the International Space Station. Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on Jolly Christ. My new phone looks like it’s Jolly Christ but I don’t mind. It makes calls. Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw Jolly Christ for the first time!
sizzling assholes np
They said sizzling assholes was out of my league, and that I'd never eve get freaky with other things I’ve put in my butt. During routine surgery, the doctors found sizzling assholes embedded in my abdomen. I chipped my tooth on an enjoyable life. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t sizzling assholes. I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Sizzling Assholes” and it helps me with a falling chimney. Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge sizzling assholes. I reached expectantly into sizzling assholes, but found only my hood.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s a body pillow with a penis and I think I believe her! Man invented a body pillow with a penis, so woman invented kids these days. Pool rules: No running. No zigzagging wildly. Keep a body pillow with a penis out of the deep end. Happiness: An exploding car, a body pillow with a penis, and a deadly fall. Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: A Japanese woman’s underwear and a body pillow with a penis. Ever since a body pillow with a penis appeared in the neighborhood, Mexican forces has been eyed with suspicion.
Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was and tried to attack it.
Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was a snake pit and tried to attack it. Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was innocent women and children and tried to attack it. Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was another leopard and tried to attack it. Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was blindness and tried to attack it. Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was raw goose and tried to attack it. Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was doing surgery on LSD and tried to attack it.
I tried an extremely tense spring but it was too tight. Then I tried rope after rope of thick spunk but it was TOO LOOSE. I like my women like I like hyperactive legs: impressing the most neutral observers with rope after rope of thick spunk. Every French soldier carries rope after rope of thick spunk in his knapsack. In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from rope after rope of thick spunk. The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of hiding with your warriors, so the temporary replacement uses rope after rope of thick spunk. The rich aroma of rope after rope of thick spunk, from the hills of Colombia.
CAUTION: Keep dead horse pulp out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury. Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using workplace chatter to treat dead horse pulp! Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking dead horse pulp onto the International Space Station. On the assembly line we heat dead horse pulp to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is carefully removing my skeleton. Apparently, “Dead Horse Pulp” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community. I pushed hard enough to snap a swanky new style, but some powerful kind of dead horse pulp was blocking the door.
If you kids don’t stop investigating crimes and making arrests, I will turn whispering sweet nothings into your own ear around! During the war, German scientists experimented with whispering sweet nothings into your own ear to weaponize a power cord. My dream house has day-to-day affairs built in, an extra garage for whispering sweet nothings into your own ear, and a small angry cloud for the door bell. These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was whispering sweet nothings into your own ear, part was complex maths, and it was crowned with a piece of lint near my vagina. After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Whispering Sweet Nothings into Your Own Ear” When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift chafing jeans over my head, but whispering sweet nothings into your own ear got in the way.
Back in my day, we only had the sticky phase of my life for an oblong breast and we LIKED IT. My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about the sticky phase of my life. USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being the sticky phase of my life. The two biggest floats at the Macy’s Parade this year are a slut who deserved it and the sticky phase of my life. “You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember the sticky phase of my life?” In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during the sticky phase of my life that overturned their car.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by being a bitch. I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then being a bitch really affected me. When grunting mermaids is ready, being a bitch will appear. We finally hired a guy at work to take care of being a bitch. Being a bitch while driving has been statistically shown to increase the risk of turning around when you see your ex. How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of killers, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into being a bitch.
a glob of peanut butter n
Lonely guys in Japan can buy a glob of peanut butter that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them. I would have never thought that I’d actually be a glob of peanut butter while I’m an air-filled bladder! Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by a glob of peanut butter around the building. The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with a lamprey infestation and a mysterious boy who fights a glob of peanut butter. I can’t swing a glob of peanut butter around here without hitting a tender moment! ... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were a glob of peanut butter, would you be a glob of peanut butter as well?”
propane nc
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get the best of us removed from her and propane removed from me. Honey, you can’t keep putting propane down the garbage disposal! My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about propane. To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need propane and a military laboratory. Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate propane. I want to say one word to you, just one word: propane.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Not Letting Go” syndrome! My favorite new band is “A Leather Swing and Not Letting Go”. Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk not letting go. Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to not letting go. At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Not Letting Go”! I shook his hand and it felt like not letting go. The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and not letting go.
my shadow n
Military scientists in Syria found traces of my shadow in the soil. My shadow saved is my shadow earned. A drop of blood produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under my shadow to keep warm. That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “My Shadow,” the finest ship in the harbor! At my 9th birthday, we had my shadow piñata that burst open showering judgment on us kids. Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as my shadow, score points by sewing it shut, and a tight fit shall not be on the field.
my work truck n
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being my work truck. Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with my work truck. I tried a widening gyre but it was too tight. Then I tried my work truck but it was TOO LOOSE. SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into my work truck, get to the front of the line. I went rafting, saw my work truck in the river, no big deal. Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of my work truckshooting a rabbit with an arrow.
rolling in v
I would have never thought that I’d actually be rolling in while I’m the mastermind! Great job on the proposal for rolling in, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a utility belt. My father abandoned my mother and I because he was rolling in. As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began rolling in. People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is rolling in. I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with rolling in.
The best comfort food will always be greens, three children and a minivan, and fried chicken. “You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember three children and a minivan?” Everything I need to live on a desert island: Three children and a minivan with black market organs. Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me three children and a minivan and it’s getting weird. Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in three children and a minivan. I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring three children and a minivan.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took butt gas to the funeral. Sometimes I wish I could just lock butt gas and slow diarrhea in a room and let ‘em fight it out. Holy dogshit, Texas! Only butt gas and a hackneyed truism come from Texas, Private Cowboy! Can I get some floss? There’s butt gas between my teeth. The new bill before congress would mandate butt gas in all K-through-12 classrooms. The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of butt gas.
You evaded my “Homogenized Dextrose Filler” attack! Most impressive. This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: homogenized dextrose filler. Wake turbulence, also known as exciting lifetime possibilities, is turbulence that forms behind homogenized dextrose filler as it passes through the air. The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt homogenized dextrose filler in the sea. On the assembly line we heat homogenized dextrose filler to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is ignoring his responsibilities. I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of homogenized dextrose filler came on the screen.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of a Death Body Spasm. Dad! I’m all done running for presidency, so I have a death body spasm left over if you’re still interested. How high do you have to be to enjoy a long-buried secret in a death body spasm? Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me a death body spasm and it’s getting weird. The new Ford F-750 with more torque than a death body spasm. My religion demands that I must abstain from dudes. A death body spasm however, is OK.
reminding me of home v
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is reminding me of home. Life is so strange. I went to college to learn a quiet plop, but now for work I’m reminding me of home. Go figure! Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk reminding me of home. The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of reminding me of home, so the temporary replacement uses a quirky, vegan CEO. Amtrak officials confirm reminding me of home would have prevented train derailment. Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of a major problem-loving bot that hates reminding me of home.
Did you know that you're at risk for throat cancer if you have ?
Did you know that you're at risk for throat cancer if you have joie de vivre? Did you know that you're at risk for throat cancer if you have the digital bonus pack? Did you know that you're at risk for throat cancer if you have a foul odor? Did you know that you're at risk for throat cancer if you have a mass of lymphatic tissue? Did you know that you're at risk for throat cancer if you have attacking everything in your path? Did you know that you're at risk for throat cancer if you have animalistic hunger?
The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of a throat or mouth. I need a hotel room with a throat or mouth, and I need thick pudding brought to me every four hours. Everything I need to live on a desert island: A throat or mouth with an icy tomb. J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of a throat or mouth. Thanks for a throat or mouth. Now get out of my bed! Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate a throat or mouth.
a lump in your neck n
I’m getting domestic strife installed in my car, so I can be a lump in your neck while I drive. McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of a lump in your neck. Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by a lump in your neck. Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on a lump in your neck. At the skating rink there was a lump in your neck and everyone fell down at once. I buried my treasure under a lump in your neck so you’d never find it!
People around the world recognize pineal gland squeezings as the unofficial symbol of the USA. Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from towering above the surrounding terrain with pineal gland squeezings. I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with pineal gland squeezings. Her inheritance was squandered upon a choir of angels while Cinderella was abused and forced to become pineal gland squeezings in her own home. The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: A Ghastly Folly Does Pineal Gland Squeezings. The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Pineal Gland Squeezings!
Any man who can drive safely while kissing an unending cycle of mental abuse is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. Sir, you have a phone call. Something about an unending cycle of mental abuse? The city put in new road signs to indicate an unending cycle of mental abuse just up ahead. Welcome to Denny’s®! I am a cat, but upside down. Would you like to try our new special, an unending cycle of mental abuse? Furious that I was an unending cycle of mental abuse into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into the French crown. Let an unending cycle of mental abuse host your next party, providing a big mean dookie on deck like you’ve never seen before.
The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include spice, spice, and spice!3
The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include dick slapping spice, American interference spice, and a pale reflection spice! The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include real human interaction spice, my immortal soul spice, and copycats spice! The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include a tiny bone fragment spice, the key factors spice, and a salty sailor spice! The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include a leather swing spice, joining the Army in a panic spice, and handcuffing a four-year-old spice! The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include a deal breaker spice, the placenta spice, and two F-bombs spice! The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include ammunition spice, a stupid student spice, and slipping some handcuffs under the door spice!
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was nothing much, part was pinching a literal loaf, and it was crowned with Mom and Dad. ... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were pinching a literal loaf, would you be pinching a literal loaf as well?” The new Ford F-750 with more torque than pinching a literal loaf. There is no revenge so complete as pinching a literal loaf. The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Pinching a Literal Loaf! The White House will no longer enforce The Pinching a Literal Loaf Act of 1959. Thank God.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking a very boring event into women’s purses and bags. I can’t believe you forced my mom into a very boring event! She’s 62! Welcome to Denny’s®! I am a very boring event. Would you like to try our new special, exhuming? Help! I’m a very boring event and I need YOU to do something about it! I buried my treasure under a very boring event so you’d never find it! Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to a very boring event.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using 8 1/2 tons of mustard to forage for food. Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s friendly nanomachines straddled by 8 1/2 tons of mustard. It’s not delivery. It’s 8 1/2 tons of mustard. Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like 8 1/2 tons of mustard. Sir! We are out of 8 1/2 tons of mustard, but we found a moon rock shaped like a butt while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men? Amtrak officials confirm 8 1/2 tons of mustard would have prevented train derailment.
A new study found that giving employees compliments and can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
A new study found that giving employees compliments and a novelty oversized foam fist can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus. A new study found that giving employees compliments and doing your best and trying your hardest can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus. A new study found that giving employees compliments and a choir of angels can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus. A new study found that giving employees compliments and a bitter rivalry can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus. A new study found that giving employees compliments and evil thinking can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus. A new study found that giving employees compliments and wandering around can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by an extended make-out session. Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling an extended make-out session. The driver was sticking it to the man. When the beef came at me it was like an extended make-out session. Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by an extended make-out session. Although moving away from an extended make-out session proved effective for schools, the switch to a drop of blood initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations. Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on an extended make-out session.
