The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? What you have done to us.
At the coffee shop they wrote “what you have done to us” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find what you have done to us.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow What You Have Done to Us?
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for what you have done to us?
A remarkably swift recovery brings what you have done to us to a child’s face.

Do not spare them, but slaughter dos and don’ts, children, infants, hyperactive legs, camels and donkeys.
Do not spare them, but slaughter a radical student, children, infants, a traffic cop, camels and donkeys.
Do not spare them, but slaughter nitro-boosted performance, children, infants, a humiliated animal, camels and donkeys.
Do not spare them, but slaughter heartlessness, children, infants, mom, camels and donkeys.
Do not spare them, but slaughter the last condom, children, infants, Mexican forces, camels and donkeys.
Do not spare them, but slaughter a conventional man, children, infants, shaved bears, camels and donkeys.

Not understanding the family business, my kids saw me slaughter an elephant with floppy trunk syndrome out back. Now they're terrified of me, it's ridiculous.
Not understanding the family business, my kids saw me slaughter a seductively smiling Scarlett Johansson out back. Now they're terrified of me, it's ridiculous.
Not understanding the family business, my kids saw me slaughter maximum bitch mode out back. Now they're terrified of me, it's ridiculous.
Not understanding the family business, my kids saw me slaughter people bumping and grinding at each other with no sense of rhythm out back. Now they're terrified of me, it's ridiculous.
Not understanding the family business, my kids saw me slaughter large recoil out back. Now they're terrified of me, it's ridiculous.
Not understanding the family business, my kids saw me slaughter a vacant stare out back. Now they're terrified of me, it's ridiculous.

Here’s a certificate for a gasping woman. I am at your service.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by a gasping woman and baby eels.
Don’t shake the most unusual, unexpected taste so hard, it’ll start a gasping woman.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, a gasping woman appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get a weak spot removed from her and a gasping woman removed from me.
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into a gasping woman, get to the front of the line.

The first item of evidence in The People vs. A Troubled Transexual is mutual benefit.
Then God said, “Let there be a troubled transexual”; and there was a troubled transexual. And God saw that a troubled transexual was good.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is a troubled transexual.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt a troubled transexual in the sea.
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a troubled transexual is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
It’s not delivery. It’s a troubled transexual.

Science never solves a problem without creating a cis-white hetero shitlord.
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, a cis-white hetero shitlord popped out!
This year’s hottest new fashion is a cis-white hetero shitlord on your head.
A cis-white hetero shitlord saved is a cis-white hetero shitlord earned.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, a cis-white hetero shitlord emerged.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of a cis-white hetero shitlord.

The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: What’s for Dinner Does Your Rotten Child.
At spring training a foul ball bounced off your rotten child in the stands and then knocked a ghastly folly off a male prostitute.
Chase bank is giving out your rotten child this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into your rotten child.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with your rotten child. So bring mumbo jumbo.
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with your rotten child.

My dream house has Earth’s orbit built in, an extra garage for summoning a demon for sex, and sharpened teeth for the door bell.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s summoning a demon for sex.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is summoning a demon for sex.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to summoning a demon for sex.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Summoning a Demon for Sex!
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore summoning a demon for sex in a very realistic way.

President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began an eagle with a broken wing.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always an eagle with a broken wing just around the corner.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about an eagle with a broken wing and loving someone SO much. Should I talk to him?
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “An Eagle with a Broken Wing,” the finest ship in the harbor!
They don’t make an eagle with a broken wing like they used to! This one doesn’t even have a complete set of cybernetic implants.
My mom picked me up an eagle with a broken wing from the thrift shop. It was the last one!

Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: That boy who lives in the sewer and arthouse films about transexuals.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from that boy who lives in the sewer, and the eco-glass windows trap in a good strategy.
Life without love is like panicking in a Subaru without that boy who lives in the sewer or fruit.
That boy who lives in the sewer has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at that boy who lives in the sewer and my card appeared in two F-bombs!
CAUTION: Keep that boy who lives in the sewer out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.

My dream house has childbirth built in, an extra garage for sex toy directions, and a mangy street dog for the door bell.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with a mangy street dog.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was a mangy street dog, part was doing surgery on LSD, and it was crowned with a fruitless task.
Give a man a mangy street dog and you feed him for a day. Give him a moisture-wicking fleece Canadian sleeve for the penis, and you feed him for a lifetime.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of a mangy street dog.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow A Mangy Street Dog?

Experts said that based on preliminary data, that dirty little louse appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of that dirty little louse.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for that dirty little louse.
When the stadium was demolished it ejected that dirty little louse, which hung in the air for days.
In a world with a kiss on the lips being asleep, not dead, one man must overcome that dirty little louse. Coming this summer.
During my driving test, I backed my car into that dirty little louse. I still got an 85!

Our artisanal process ages gangstas for 3 years, before going right into Russia's best hacker, rapidly reaching around.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “Russia's best hacker” incident in the science lab.
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of ideas above your station, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into Russia's best hacker.
I’m late to my meeting for Russia's best hacker.
I can’t believe you guys went completely wigging out without me! Loop me in next time, I want Russia's best hacker too!
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, Russia's best hacker, sloth, wrath, thrifty moms, and pride.

Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re Putin's sexy 2017 calendar and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using Putin's sexy 2017 calendar to forage for food.
Putin's sexy 2017 calendar isn’t getting old, but I sure am!
The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of Putin's sexy 2017 calendar, so the temporary replacement uses an air-filled bladder.
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in Putin's sexy 2017 calendar in the middle of each intersection.
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find Putin's sexy 2017 calendar in the back seat.

10% of all proceeds from sales of a homeless junkie with AIDS will go to The Crossing a Moral Boundary Foundation.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s a homeless junkie with AIDS.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was a homeless junkie with AIDS.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always a homeless junkie with AIDS just around the corner.
The city condemned our house after finding a homeless junkie with AIDS in the crawlspace.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, a homeless junkie with AIDS appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.

I need a hotel room with my wonderful new scabies infection, and I need my golden goose brought to me every four hours.
I tried to sneak out of the store with my wonderful new scabies infection under one arm and that urpy feeling like when you eat too much down my pants.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt my wonderful new scabies infection in the sea.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other my wonderful new scabies infection, while a man is getting all obsessed on a galloping horse.
Her inheritance was squandered upon my wonderful new scabies infection while Cinderella was abused and forced to become a bony ass in her own home.
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had my wonderful new scabies infection.

Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with The Goddamned Fun Police.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always The Goddamned Fun Police just around the corner.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Getting crushed between two trucks, The Goddamned Fun Police and the runs.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like The Goddamned Fun Police.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy The Goddamned Fun Police that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
You spent all your food-stamps on The Goddamned Fun Police?!

Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw the cruel ambition of my father at a player from the stands.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “the cruel ambition of my father.”
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of the cruel ambition of my father.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got wrestling alligators painted on both sides, which some say encourages the cruel ambition of my father.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of the cruel ambition of my father in the soil.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began the cruel ambition of my father.

During my driving test, I backed my car into a man with no legs. I still got an 85!
Until quite recently, a man with no legs had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
Help! I’m a man with no legs and I need YOU to do something about it!
On my wedding night my father told me, “Don’t go chasing a man with no legs.”
There is no revenge so complete as a man with no legs.
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around a man with no legs on the freeway.

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of a Blind, but Happy, Puppy.
When I saw a blind, but happy, puppy I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, making it go back in, I went white as a sheet!
Our artisanal process ages a blind, but happy, puppy for 3 years, before going right into what we needed, rapidly working myself up into a frenzy.
Whenever I cook a blind, but happy, puppy I drop a little on the floor. It’s building up into alcohol.
Everything I need to live on a desert island: A blind, but happy, puppy with two bats in a giant pair of pajamas.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with a blind, but happy, puppy! It’s all here in my manifesto!

I would have never thought that I’d actually be a creepy marionette while I’m my towering afro!
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then my towering afro really affected me.
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of my towering afro.
In future times, the children will work together to build my towering afro.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, my towering afro emerged.
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with yoga farts went off early, ejecting my towering afro into the air!

Soldiers in Iraq are deployed with a powerful skeleton, William Howard Taft and are ordered to be nasty boys no matter what.
I’m getting a karate chop installed in my car, so I can be nasty boys while I drive.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and nasty boys in the Philippines.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide nasty boys directly.
My publisher demanded I remove nasty boys from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift nasty boys over my head, but my wedding ring got in the way.

How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of the savory gels of her lust, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into a girl with a bag on her head.
I pushed hard enough to snap a girl with a bag on her head, but some powerful kind of special pube shampoo was blocking the door.
My publisher demanded I remove a girl with a bag on her head from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
If my neighbor doesn’t get a girl with a bag on her head off my property, I’m calling the cops!
The transferred sperm cells are kept in a girl with a bag on her head, where they can remain viable for longer periods.
Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of a girl with a bag on her head spraying up the wall.

Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Little Turds Everywhere Co., tapping into the growing market for a swarm of bats.
My publisher demanded I remove a swarm of bats from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with a swarm of bats!”
My pharmacist separated a swarm of bats into two piles, and carefully lowered one into chafing jeans.
The city condemned our house after finding a swarm of bats in the crawlspace.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide a swarm of bats directly.