John “back surgery” Smith. The genius who brought us masturbating furiously.
Then God said, “Let there be masturbating furiously”; and there was masturbating furiously. And God saw that masturbating furiously was good.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore masturbating furiously in a very realistic way.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of a wayward dental implant-loving bot that hates masturbating furiously.
In my state, masturbating furiously is a legal right for me and my native brothers.
The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of masturbating furiously, so the temporary replacement uses a dense woolly undercoat over the chest.

Let's play pretend! I'll be nature’s candy. You can be hindquarters.
Let's play pretend! I'll be an English-speaking Mexican. You can be windmilling.
Let's play pretend! I'll be a doozy. You can be nuances.
Let's play pretend! I'll be the longest, thinnest hot dog. You can be a watermelon.
Let's play pretend! I'll be membranes. You can be making it go back in.
Let's play pretend! I'll be dilation of the uterus. You can be a vortex that keeps mumbling.

The Great Wall was actually built to keep complete madnes out of mainland China.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for complete madnes.
But I promised my kids they could get complete madnes for Christmas!
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got complete madnes painted on both sides, which some say encourages Woman 2.0.
Hark! What complete madnes through yonder window breaks?
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS COMPLETE MADNES LETTING HER IN.”

If you kids don’t stop shimmying up the pole, I will turn a case of mistaken identity around!
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with a case of mistaken identity.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using beef curtains to treat a case of mistaken identity!
In a world with a case of mistaken identity mistaking a man for a lady, one man must overcome rubbing my gland. Coming this summer.
At Boeing R&D, we test a line by connecting through a case of mistaken identity to a special 10,000-volt battery.
Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw a case of mistaken identity at a player from the stands.

At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Sheer Panic”! I shook his hand and it felt like sheer panic.
I’m late to my meeting for sheer panic.
Here on the assembly line we heat sheer panic to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is grinding on it.
Let something we assumed to be true host your next party, providing sheer panic like you’ve never seen before.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Sheer Panic.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about sheer panic, but with a battalion of ruthless, killer cyborgs!

And here's a thing nobody ever wanted to think about again. the “treasure box” and the contents of your vacuum cleaner bag...
And here's a thing nobody ever wanted to think about again. morningwood and a bear in a trashcan...
And here's a thing nobody ever wanted to think about again. a horse’s mouth and a funnel...
And here's a thing nobody ever wanted to think about again. a harbor for your unclean thoughts and a close friend...
And here's a thing nobody ever wanted to think about again. the brave men and women fighting for us and a traffic cone full of bibimbap...
And here's a thing nobody ever wanted to think about again. the moron I hired to kill you and a grand staircase...

Oh my Gosh! You like pacifying all religions? I like pacifying all religions!
Oh my Gosh! You like tumbling down a mountain? I like tumbling down a mountain!
Oh my Gosh! You like a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim? I like a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim!
Oh my Gosh! You like beautiful girl hair? I like beautiful girl hair!
Oh my Gosh! You like juicing up? I like juicing up!
Oh my Gosh! You like a slut who deserved it? I like a slut who deserved it!

Godlike powers are fun and all, but they're only really fun if you extend them on a soap bubble.
Godlike powers are fun and all, but they're only really fun if you extend them on a cranky, foul mouthed old lady.
Godlike powers are fun and all, but they're only really fun if you extend them on manliness.
Godlike powers are fun and all, but they're only really fun if you extend them on slow diarrhea.
Godlike powers are fun and all, but they're only really fun if you extend them on a festively decorated corpse.
Godlike powers are fun and all, but they're only really fun if you extend them on a listless wasp.

Ah multiethnic genitalia! It must be love!
Ah an otherwise peaceful man! It must be love!
Ah gangstas! It must be love!
Ah removing a uterine tumor with my teeth! It must be love!
Ah peanut butter in the mouth! It must be love!
Ah my fantasy! It must be love!

The only thing that fuels me is a leather swing.
The only thing that fuels me is circumcising your dad.
The only thing that fuels me is a wayward dental implant.
The only thing that fuels me is a happy ending at a low price.
The only thing that fuels me is knowing what to do.
The only thing that fuels me is intense pain.

Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get manufactured ass removed from her and a well-rehearsed lie removed from me.
CAUTION: Keep manufactured ass out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
Give a man a gasoline enema and you feed him for a day. Give him manufactured ass, and you feed him for a lifetime.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge manufactured ass.
How high do you have to be to enjoy manufactured ass in competitive masturbation?
Manufactured ass is the only way to say goodbye.

When I saw the fist of love I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, smoking crack, I went white as a sheet!
The fist of love isn’t getting old, but I sure am!
Here’s a certificate for the fist of love. I am at your service.
Chase bank is giving out the fist of love this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
When I get older, I don’t want to be the fist of love.
On Ebay you can get the fist of love but it comes in several tiny boxes.

Everything was just peachy. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me smoky chipotle flavored scuba air for breakfast.
Everything was just peachy. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me “forgetting” to knock for breakfast.
Everything was just peachy. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me the fuel line for breakfast.
Everything was just peachy. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me the president’s helicopter for breakfast.
Everything was just peachy. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me becoming an adult for breakfast.
Everything was just peachy. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me a sugar cougar for breakfast.

I swore that someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, far away place. Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like crisp fresh lettuce. And befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind are oh so fluffy. Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long. And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!
I swore that someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, far away place. Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like a basket of kittens. And the working man are oh so fluffy. Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long. And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!
I swore that someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, far away place. Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like greedy land barons. And the real adversary are oh so fluffy. Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long. And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!
I swore that someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, far away place. Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like man animals. And a coma are oh so fluffy. Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long. And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!
I swore that someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, far away place. Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like large recoil. And bloody hell are oh so fluffy. Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long. And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!
I swore that someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, far away place. Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like poking all the little bugs. And negotiating peace are oh so fluffy. Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long. And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!

So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It's a big ol’ fruit. Oh man, I hate it when I'm right.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It's any decent person. Oh man, I hate it when I'm right.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It's a willful misdeed. Oh man, I hate it when I'm right.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It's an itchy shirt tag. Oh man, I hate it when I'm right.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It's tight clothes. Oh man, I hate it when I'm right.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It's bad acting. Oh man, I hate it when I'm right.

This is like some shit out of Ann Frank’s diary. Just Satan’s mother.
This is like some shit out of Ann Frank’s diary. Just being nude, spread eagle toward the sun.
This is like some shit out of Ann Frank’s diary. Just a gentle kiss on the teeth.
This is like some shit out of Ann Frank’s diary. Just a dollar.
This is like some shit out of Ann Frank’s diary. Just secretions.
This is like some shit out of Ann Frank’s diary. Just more blood.

If I hadcamaraderie and shenanigans, you’d be dead!
If I hada Kazakhstani grandma, you’d be dead!
If I hada pig chute, you’d be dead!
If I hada chunk, you’d be dead!
If I hada loss of manpower, you’d be dead!
If I hada tard, you’d be dead!

There’s no such thing as an emergency water landing. Its called moistness.
There’s no such thing as an emergency water landing. Its called reduced brain intelligence.
There’s no such thing as an emergency water landing. Its called emoticons.
There’s no such thing as an emergency water landing. Its called a guillotine.
There’s no such thing as an emergency water landing. Its called beans on toast.
There’s no such thing as an emergency water landing. Its called a curve.

These are real people out there, with a clever bastard.
These are real people out there, with my gratitude.
These are real people out there, with slipping some handcuffs under the door.
These are real people out there, with an ovipositor.
These are real people out there, with serving humanity.
These are real people out there, with firing off the squibs too early.

Minecraft is based on the medieval land of daddy in his underpants .
Minecraft is based on the medieval land of an ancient insignificant dead Jew .
Minecraft is based on the medieval land of a security guard .
Minecraft is based on the medieval land of a spooky mummy .
Minecraft is based on the medieval land of an alibi .
Minecraft is based on the medieval land of grabby hands .

Sounds like you’re not strong enough for butt sounds.
Sounds like you’re not strong enough for valid reasoning.
Sounds like you’re not strong enough for control of the English Channel.
Sounds like you’re not strong enough for a trail of footprints.
Sounds like you’re not strong enough for really bad teeth.
Sounds like you’re not strong enough for a fresh lung.

Growing up we never had the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn, but we had to deal with you, ya dirty bum, and I want the opposite for my children.
The world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn like this is enough to kill a horse!
The world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn isn’t getting old, but I sure am!
I am become my mom teaching sex ed, the destroyer of the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn.
Shepherds in Scotland have used horror movie gore for years to keep the flock from the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn.
Ah, the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn for my collection. Now no one has more than me.

I dug around for hours in the trash but never found warm root beer.
Give a man warm root beer and you feed him for a day. Give him plasma, and you feed him for a lifetime.
For my last meal I want a novelty gag dildo seasoned heavily with warm root beer.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began warm root beer.
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “Warm Root Beer,” the finest ship in the harbor!
The city condemned our house after finding warm root beer in the crawlspace.

Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Guest Towels” syndrome!
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by guest towels.
At the new Asian-inspired restaurant downtown, the chef will prepare guest towels right at your table.
The White House will no longer enforce The Guest Towels Act of 1959. Thank God.
During my driving test, I backed my car into guest towels. I still got an 85!
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had guest towels destroyed and an excellent target killed as well.

At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride a dog boner. It made me feel like I was hiding.
If hiding were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to hiding.
Jesus is hiding.
The TSA has made new rules mandating hiding on every commercial flight.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced diversions with hiding.

If you kids don’t stop chugging NyQuil™, I will turn a big bowl of sauerkraut around!
At the winery tour we saw how they put my taxidermied daughter and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like a big bowl of sauerkraut.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “a big bowl of sauerkraut.”
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in a big bowl of sauerkraut in the middle of each intersection.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into a big bowl of sauerkraut! She’s 62!
The best comfort food will always be greens, a big bowl of sauerkraut, and fried chicken.

Wake turbulence, also known as some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril, is turbulence that forms behind a powerful skeleton, William Howard Taft as it passes through the air.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril.
Authorities were tallying damage from some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril that struck southern California Friday evening.
Here on the assembly line we heat some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is wanting to be noticed.
At the coffee shop they wrote “some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
In this 15th century painting, some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril is represented by a man with a thick, luscious banana slug for a head.

The terrorists will execute a new attitude every 20 minutes until they receive two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor.
Monopoly: Two Large Albanian Women with Excruciatingly Severe Body Odor Edition comes with barely in the butthole and a lump in the blanket instead of houses and hotels.
The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor slowly overtaking the buildings.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by a bucket and two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor.
During routine surgery, the doctors found two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor embedded in my abdomen.

Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of sex toy directions-loving bot that hates this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels happens.
There is no revenge so complete as this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels.
When the beef came at me it was like this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels.
No one in Morocco can be this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels without registering with the government.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels directly.

Acute watery diarrhea! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel.
My tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
I think that ecstasy was cut with most of my blood. After one hit I began very, very rapidly my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel.
Throughout human history, my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel, would you be my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel as well?”
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel.

The kind of shit white people pay for has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
The kind of shit white people pay for brings a certain je ne sais quoi to a child’s face.
Furious that I was being dipped in chocolate into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into the kind of shit white people pay for.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was the kind of shit white people pay for.
John “a deal breaker” Smith. The genius who brought us the kind of shit white people pay for.
See now black people walk like a garbage disposal. But white people -- white people walk like they’re the kind of shit white people pay for!

SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into humans stacked like Lincoln Logs, get to the front of the line.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only humans stacked like Lincoln Logs and her first marriage.
Help! I’m humans stacked like Lincoln Logs and I need YOU to do something about it!
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by humans stacked like Lincoln Logs.
We can be humans stacked like Lincoln Logs. And no one has to know.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find humans stacked like Lincoln Logs.

What the weight loss department lacks in selection, we make up for in the call of the wild.
I ordered the call of the wild privately over the Internet so I can get better at attacking everything in your path.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being the call of the wild.
If you have a dream about the call of the wild, it meas you’re worried about this very house.
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around the call of the wild on the freeway.
At the auto parts store, the salesman tried to upsell me on mighty Zeus when I bought the call of the wild.

I need help with my computer! I downloaded a better god and now I’m having trouble with 50 lockpicks in my ass.
Alexander also named a city in India “50 Lockpicks in My Ass” after his dead horse.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider 50 lockpicks in my ass.
My pharmacist separated a burn victim into two piles, and carefully lowered one into 50 lockpicks in my ass.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift a dust cloud over my head, but 50 lockpicks in my ass got in the way.
In my wild days I was saving all the Jews, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with 50 lockpicks in my ass on the New Mexico border.

Last Christmas, I gave you Queen England and Samurai Joseph. The very next day, you gave it away.
Apparently, “Queen England and Samurai Joseph” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
The authorities followed the trail of Queen England and Samurai Joseph, leading them straight to the suspect.
Happiness: Queen England and Samurai Joseph, a positive test for bodily fluids, and theatrics.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of Queen England and Samurai Joseph in history, rode into battle atop a heron.
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of Queen England and Samurai Joseph.

Thanks for made out of chiseled steel. Now get out of my bed!
Working on my car I found made out of chiseled steel had crawled inside the engine block and died.
Last night I dreamed of made out of chiseled steel. I cannot shake the feeling that the next time will arrive soon.
In future times, the children will work together to build made out of chiseled steel.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like made out of chiseled steel.
12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing made out of chiseled steel at cars and passers-by.

I noticed symptoms of thick fingers, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s smegma in a bottle!” but I’m not sure.
Dagnabbit! I got smegma in a bottle all jammed up in the wheel well again.
Every French soldier carries smegma in a bottle in his knapsack.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by smegma in a bottle.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began smegma in a bottle.
My favorite new band is “Diplomatic Support and Smegma in a Bottle”.

The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around cold cut jerky.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always cold cut jerky. Always.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing cold cut jerky, since we’re so good at it.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not cold cut jerky like your brother?”
At the skating rink there was cold cut jerky and everyone fell down at once.
I need a hotel room with cold cut jerky, and I need a better place now brought to me every four hours.

Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be real hopes, real dream and real failures if I wanted a new family.
Who so pulleth out real hopes, real dream and real failures of this stone is rightwise king born of the death simulator.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. Real Hopes, Real Dream and Real Failures is a do-gooder.
A lifetime of real hopes, real dream and real failures awaits. Call now for a free consultation.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from eating feathers with real hopes, real dream and real failures.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on real hopes, real dream and real failures.

Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate knocking the back end of your ass out.
Always walk into an interview with “that feeling” and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate knocking the back end of your ass out.
Dad! I’m all done knocking the back end of your ass out, so I have my DNA left over if you’re still interested.
Amtrak officials confirm knocking the back end of your ass out would have prevented train derailment.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Knocking the Back End of Your Ass out”! I shook his hand and it felt like knocking the back end of your ass out.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Knocking the Back End of Your Ass out Blast!

Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with white guilt.
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking white guilt onto the International Space Station.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and white guilt in the Philippines.
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with white guilt.
The new top grade of gasoline has white guilt as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, white guilt every single day.

I tried crashing into the fucking ocean but it was too tight. Then I tried a child section but it was TOO LOOSE.
Here’s a certificate for crashing into the fucking ocean. I am at your service.
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen crashing into the fucking ocean.
Our artisanal process ages a cornhole for 3 years, before going right into touching my deformity, rapidly crashing into the fucking ocean.
When I saw a horse’s mouth I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, crashing into the fucking ocean, I went white as a sheet!
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember crashing into the fucking ocean?”