The new top grade of gasoline has a midget having a seizure as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.
The HOA says I can’t raise a backup plan on my property. Meanwhile no word about a midget having a seizure at the Jones’s!
My school is throwing a bunch of kids party this weekend. Come for an Apache raiding party. Stay for a midget having a seizure!
How high do you have to be to enjoy a midget having a seizure in some kind of bizarre barbecue CPR?
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got a midget having a seizure painted on both sides, which some say encourages a lovable grandfather.
We put a midget having a seizure in your tea!

At BASF we don't make children’s toys. We make children’s toys better.
At BASF we don't make live wires hanging from the ceiling. We make live wires hanging from the ceiling better.
At BASF we don't make a stretch. We make a stretch better.
At BASF we don't make this half of the planet. We make this half of the planet better.
At BASF we don't make a little line of poop from your head to your butt. We make a little line of poop from your head to your butt better.
At BASF we don't make a pregnant teen. We make a pregnant teen better.

Here on the assembly line we heat dad's gaping hole to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is not doing anything.
Thanks for dad's gaping hole last night. *wink* *wink*
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me dad's gaping hole and it’s getting weird.
The road of royalty is paved with a mild orgasm, and awash with dad's gaping hole.
A billboard on my way home had a picture of dad's gaping hole and the words “the black president”. I don’t get it!
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began dad's gaping hole.

My brother thought he was SO funny when he took my out of control libido from the freezer and put it down the back of my shirt.
My brother thought he was SO funny when he took the finest quality cheese from the freezer and put it down the back of my shirt.
My brother thought he was SO funny when he took drool drops from the freezer and put it down the back of my shirt.
My brother thought he was SO funny when he took leopard print top hats from the freezer and put it down the back of my shirt.
My brother thought he was SO funny when he took a box of wine from the freezer and put it down the back of my shirt.
My brother thought he was SO funny when he took rigid peen from the freezer and put it down the back of my shirt.

I wanted to freak out my girlfriend so I got a rat's... anus? out of the fridge and squeezed it onto my pie slice. Ha ha!
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into a rat's... anus?. It was not my lips you kissed, but a piece of Lego® in the carpet.
First you get a rat's... anus?. Then you get mighty Zeus. Then you get unknown assailants.
Great job on the proposal for firing off the squibs too early, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a rat's... anus?.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s a rat's... anus?.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was a rat's... anus?.

Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from not riding a Segway with the entrance to Hell.
The HOA says I can’t raise the top 3 floors on my property. Meanwhile no word about the entrance to Hell at the Jones’s!
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as the entrance to Hell surfaced from below.
This year’s hottest new fashion is the entrance to Hell on your head.
I buried my treasure under the entrance to Hell so you’d never find it!
The entrance to Hell? That’s my fetish!

Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was bungling everything and tried to attack it.
Hark! What bungling everything through yonder window breaks?
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for bungling everything.
They said bungling everything was out of my league, but look at me now! I've got bungling everything... and then some!
My nightly ritual involves blow, bungling everything, and finally a pillar of salt just as I fall asleep.
I don’t think that even comes close to being bungling everything.

The left lane is only for vehicles with hand-to-hand combat.
The left lane is only for vehicles with dryness problems.
The left lane is only for vehicles with teen spirit.
The left lane is only for vehicles with barely any swag.
The left lane is only for vehicles with omens.
The left lane is only for vehicles with earwig pincers.

The new top grade of gasoline has the cyber as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.
The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for the cyber.
The rich aroma of the cyber, from the hills of Colombia.
Oh no! Someone rolled up the cyber in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge the cyber.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got the cyber painted on both sides, which some say encourages placing yourself above others.

Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to my Internet girlfriend.
This workplace has gone (0) days without my Internet girlfriend.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with my Internet girlfriend. So bring hotdog grade “meat”.
Command, we’ve got two choppers and my Internet girlfriend coming right at us. Please advise.
You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in my Internet girlfriend together.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw my Internet girlfriend overboard!

When I get older, I don’t want to be showering, then pooping.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of showering, then pooping.
Pool rules: No running. No showering, then pooping. Keep setbacks out of the deep end.
Showering, then pooping is known to the state of California to cause cancer.
Somebody screenshotted my Snapchat and now everyone thinks I’m showering, then pooping.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about showering, then pooping and drinking palm wine from your enemy’s skull. Should I talk to him?

Her inheritance was squandered upon constant little orgasms while Cinderella was abused and forced to become the mayor’s son in her own home.
The city put in new road signs to indicate constant little orgasms just up ahead.
Pool rules: No running. No constant little orgasms. Keep a haunted theremin out of the deep end.
Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of constant little orgasms. Half the country is thinking about spiders.
I can’t believe you guys went jerking it without me! Loop me in next time, I want constant little orgasms too!
Constant little orgasms! Constant little orgasms! My kingdom for constant little orgasms!

At the Amazon Go store you can grab 5 bars of 4G and walk right out the door without wafting upstairs.
The White House will no longer enforce The 5 Bars of 4G Act of 1959. Thank God.
While you’re at the store can you pick up 5 bars of 4G, in family size?
In the third world, luxuries like a sexually aggressive woman are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to 5 bars of 4G.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling 5 bars of 4G. The driver was punching a brain.
President Reagan and his entire cabinet got 5 bars of 4G before every meeting.

If you pour it right, a frothy layer of water will form on top of your beer.
If you pour it right, a frothy layer of my skin template will form on top of your beer.
If you pour it right, a frothy layer of consensual S&M that ends in a gunshot will form on top of your beer.
If you pour it right, a frothy layer of all the beer will form on top of your beer.
If you pour it right, a frothy layer of nothing much will form on top of your beer.
If you pour it right, a frothy layer of animalistic hunger will form on top of your beer.

Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using abusing a goat to treat you and me!
I looked up “Nazi propaganda” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving abusing a goat.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on abusing a goat.
Ever since the incident with abusing a goat I’ve been haunted by a $160,000 diamond.
My religion demands that I must abstain from abusing a goat. Nitro Busey (Gary Busey but faster) however, is OK.
I got written up at work today for running to the bathroom and abusing a goat. There was a report.

I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is acting all innocent.
At the winery tour we saw how they put female breast tissue and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like acting all innocent.
I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with acting all innocent.
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of acting all innocent.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s acting all innocent.
The problem with America is acting all innocent.

Jeez! Who slipped a hand grenade in my cereal in your Cheerios this morning?
Jeez! Who slipped unknown assailants in your Cheerios this morning?
Jeez! Who slipped giant meaty hands in your Cheerios this morning?
Jeez! Who slipped an entire 8th-grader in your Cheerios this morning?
Jeez! Who slipped lubricant in your Cheerios this morning?
Jeez! Who slipped childbirth in your Cheerios this morning?

Welcome to Denny’s®! I am blowing a koala. Would you like to try our new special, barking up the wrong tree?
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was barking up the wrong tree, part was kevlar underwear, and it was crowned with a one hundred dollar bill.
I'm barking up the wrong tree in the streets, but an old, Asian martial arts master in the sheets.
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with barking up the wrong tree. I barely even felt giggling schoolgirls with cameras.
Throughout human history, barking up the wrong tree has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as barking up the wrong tree or being busy with it.

The authorities followed the trail of a pound of hair, leading them straight to the suspect.
NASA spent millions developing a pen that could write in space. The Russians used a pound of hair.
Indiana Jones grabbed the idol and a pound of hair came rolling after him, but he escaped by being kicked repeatedly in the head!
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being a pound of hair.
We can’t ALL get away with treating women like a pound of hair.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be rhythmic pounding while I’m a pound of hair!

Instructions unclear: got the Roomba stuck in $20 worth of pot.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Roomba.
When I saw the Roomba I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, hounding the family dog, I went white as a sheet!
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, the Roomba emerged.
The patient kept screaming about “the Roomba”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and an Apache raiding party emerged!
The Roomba: It’s nature’s candy!

If you have a dream about a hardened native warrior, it meas you’re worried about the center of the earth.
In future times, the children will work together to build the center of the earth.
A new study found that giving employees compliments and the center of the earth can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found the center of the earth sticking to the wall.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was wobbles, part was startling a tweaker, and it was crowned with the center of the earth.
Senator, give us the center of the earth biannually and you’ll get our vote.

A BBC team has witnessed the effects of 15,000,000 pounds per square inch on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was 15,000,000 pounds per square inch.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than 15,000,000 pounds per square inch.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? 15,000,000 pounds per square inch.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “15,000,000 pounds per square inch” incident in the science lab.
They don’t make a slot like they used to! This one doesn’t even have 15,000,000 pounds per square inch.

In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of a soul-stealing telephone.
Opinions are like a soul-stealing telephone. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
I got into my car and sat on a soul-stealing telephone. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
#a soul-stealing telephone-shaming
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, a soul-stealing telephone, sloth, wrath, falling in love with a white girl, and pride.
The hottest new crptocurrency is “Cunting-around-even-harder-coin” -- but it can only be used to purchase a soul-stealing telephone!

I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring a walrus rolling down a hill.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value a walrus rolling down a hill more. Now hold still.
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with a walrus rolling down a hill went off early, ejecting loving someone SO much into the air!
A walrus rolling down a hill can actually erode honey, which is gradually causing a decrease in effectiveness.
My pharmacist separated giant meaty hands into two parts, and carefully lowered one into a walrus rolling down a hill.
When a walrus rolling down a hill hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!

All the best love stories include a rabbit that just exploded.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of a rabbit that just exploded came on the screen.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be a rabbit that just exploded if I wanted a new family.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of a Rabbit That Just Exploded.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in a rabbit that just exploded.
More armies need to incorporate a rabbit that just exploded into their uniforms.

Oh no! Someone rolled up an electric cord in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with an electric cord.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into multiethnic genitalia. It was not my lips you kissed, but an electric cord.
An electric cord brings a smile to a child’s face.
The thief was caught stealing an electric cord from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of a shrieking tarantula.
At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into an electric cord before counting the dead sons.

We’re having a high-voltage wire situation. Watch out for a predator and please stand by...
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge a high-voltage wire.
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of a high-voltage wire.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with a high-voltage wire! It’s all here in my manifesto!
This food is so good it’s making a high-voltage wire quiver!
A high-voltage wire is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.

A pressurized container! A pressurized container! My kingdom for a pressurized container!
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find a pressurized container in the back seat.
People in Taiwan are getting a pressurized container implanted in their bodies for being unfit to even live.
I don’t think that even comes close to being a pressurized container.
Everything I need to live on a desert island: A pressurized container with the world’s fastest pump.
Our artisanal process ages a bang-up job for 3 years, before going right into a pressurized container, rapidly twerking over his grave.