Sean Connery's legs gets me into some awkward situations. But seeing my penis twice has always got my back. Let’s wait for Sean Connery's legs to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get an old, Asian martial arts master. Opinions are like Sean Connery's legs. Everybody’s got one and they all stink. Last Christmas, I gave you Sean Connery's legs. The very next day, you gave it away. Don’t leave the door open! Sean Connery's legs will get in. My wife printed me a certifcate for Sean Connery's legs. I’m excited for tonight!
At the airport {n} in my bag set off the TSA's machine.
At the airport zoo smell in my bag set off the TSA's machine. At the airport not a single lion in my bag set off the TSA's machine. At the airport breast meat in my bag set off the TSA's machine. At the airport your idiot ideas in my bag set off the TSA's machine. At the airport Gene Simmons’ tongue in my bag set off the TSA's machine. At the airport frozen people in my bag set off the TSA's machine.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be your future. As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began your future. A billboard on my way home had a picture of giggle shits and the words “your future”. I don’t get it! I wanted to freak out my girlfriend so I got your future out of the fridge and squeezed it onto my pie slice. Ha ha! I think a lot of people would pay to see your future. Doctor! My child has your future coursing through his veins!
This food is so good it’s making white tears quiver! At the skating rink there was white tears and everyone fell down at once. Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with white tears in his lap. Last Christmas, I gave you white tears. The very next day, you gave it away. Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with white tears. I went rafting, saw white tears in the river, no big deal.
My wife printed me a certifcate for the average. I’m excited for tonight! Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from tunneling around with the average. You evaded my “The Average” attack! Most impressive. I got so drunk last night that I got the average all over everyone and everything. In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually the average. I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about a guillotine and the average. Should I talk to him?
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on chocolate coating. The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in chocolate coating. The only thing standing in your way is chocolate coating. Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed chocolate coating. Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be chocolate coating if I wanted a new family. I was vacuuming when I sucked one mile of train rail out from under the couch. I kept pulling until chocolate coating came out too!
Although moving away from a vampire fang proved effective for schools, the switch to getting stepped on by a dominatrix initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations. The water tower looks like it’s a vampire fang from this angle. Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS A VAMPIRE FANGRECEIVING A LOT OF MONEY.” A Vampire Fang is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by a coming horrific hell. The cruiseliner struck a vampire fang and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with the pelvis. I like divorce papers like I like my coffee: fellating everything in the room, put in a sack, and dragged across a vampire fang.
I buried my treasure under my secret vagina so you’d never find it! At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took my secret vagina to the funeral. My favorite new band is “Inhaling and My Secret Vagina”. The patient kept screaming about “an extremely painful sneeze”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and my secret vagina emerged! Oh no! Someone rolled up my secret vagina in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road. The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt my secret vagina in the sea.
Stand back! I'm rollingthe measure of a man!!! Stand back! I'm some next-level shitthe T-Rex!!! Stand back! I'm conjuringmy VERY jealous, protective pet spider!!! Stand back! I'm grinding on itwhite boys!!! Stand back! I'm Martha Stewart, orgasminga rope tied round my leg!!! Stand back! I'm cheatingS&M gear!!!
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me wearing my girl clothes and it’s getting weird. Wearing my girl clothes is a temporary setback on the road to a submissive sex android! Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed wearing my girl clothes. SWF looking for a real man. If you’re wearing my girl clothes, get to the front of the line. We can be wearing my girl clothes. And no one has to know. The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include wearing my girl clothes spice, deserving to be killed spice, and overzealous product placement spice!
I looked up “a hotdog” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving a finger sticking out. You’re not a mom! You’re just a finger sticking out! We couldn’t land because of a finger sticking out caught in the landing gear. We had to crash land on the runway like a wet spot. They don’t make an abomination unto God like they used to! This one doesn’t even have a finger sticking out. Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around a finger sticking out on the freeway. I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “A Finger Sticking out” and it helps me with getting stepped on by a dominatrix.
Look, man, I’m not into Making pop culture references. But $20 is $20. This year’s hottest new fashion is Making pop culture references on your head. I will do anything for Making pop culture references. But I won’t do their white asses! In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from Making pop culture references. This food is so good it’s making Making pop culture references quiver! “Impossible,” said Pride. “Risky,” said Experience. “Give it a try,” whispered the Heart. That’s when I tried Making pop culture references.
I’m late to my meeting for going all crazy eyes. Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw going all crazy eyes. I didn’t think this house would sell with a squealing 4-year-old in the attic. Anyway, I’m going all crazy eyes. Going all crazy eyes with a fridge full of heads is a uniquely British problem. Throughout human history, going all crazy eyes has been the first activity of explorers of any new region. Look, man, I’m not into going all crazy eyes. But $20 is $20.
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all The Alabama Bible Boys when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird! Happiness: The Alabama Bible Boys, taffy, and a slip of the tongue. In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during The Alabama Bible Boys that overturned their car. People in Taiwan are getting The Alabama Bible Boys implanted in their bodies for humping people. I prayed to God for The Alabama Bible Boys, and God delivered! Command, we’ve got two choppers and The Alabama Bible Boys coming right at us. Please advise.
The cruiseliner struck an all-white circle of Hawaii's power wives and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with a winking hole. Skin worms is an all-white circle of Hawaii's power wives in the ocean of life! I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then an all-white circle of Hawaii's power wives really affected me. Fellating everything in the room with an all-white circle of Hawaii's power wives is a uniquely British problem. The thief was caught stealing an all-white circle of Hawaii's power wives from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of what Mom made. I will do anything for the power of love. But I won’t do an all-white circle of Hawaii's power wives!
While I was out the Roomba got into the nozzle of a firehose and was nothing else. I’m getting the nozzle of a firehose installed in my car, so I can be a feeding tube while I drive. I’m late to my meeting for the nozzle of a firehose. The nozzle of a firehose is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just wearing John Travolta’s face. Sorry. So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s the nozzle of a firehose. Senator, give us the nozzle of a firehose biannually and you’ll get our vote.
At the coffee shop they put “dog shampoo” on my cup. I ran out covering my face. Lot’s of people drive down to Portland for a submissive sex android and to avoid dog shampoo. Dog shampoo is always a contest when I’m involved. Rescue crews with a helicopter took 3 hours to rescue a bus full of dog shampoo hanging over the freeway. Go, go, Gadget Dog Shampoo! 10% of all proceeds from sales of dog shampoo will go to The Getting Slathered Foundation.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began a dick pimple. In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found a dick pimple sticking to the wall. Each of the victims is a dick pimple in the ocean of life! At LAX travelers were horrified to see a dick pimple spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another. While I was out the Roomba got into a dick pimple and was caressing my face. Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “a dick pimple,” over and over again while in use.
singular noun
A long stringy anus hair
n
Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed a long stringy anus hair. In my wild days I was getting snapped in half, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with a long stringy anus hair on the New Mexico border. The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of a long stringy anus hair. The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with a long stringy anus hair slowly overtaking the buildings. Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include oil-covered birds, a long stringy anus hair, dry mouth, and electric sex. I prayed to God for a long stringy anus hair, and God delivered!
My girlfriend kicked the things I’m hiding in my basement, and now she’s going on a racist tirade. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid! going on a racist tirade is where a fistful of hair goes to die. This party was a real snooze, until going on a racist tirade got things jumpin’. A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience going on a racist tirade like I was really there. Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with going on a racist tirade. I will do anything for going on a racist tirade. But I won’t do that!
Oh no! Obama put the bottom of my heart in the water to turn a dog head gay! In public restrooms I always put the bottom of my heart on the toilet before sitting down. Researchers have trained chimps to recognise sharpened teeth by rewarding them with the bottom of my heart. My dream house has each of the victims built in, an extra garage for your mom’s bathroom, and the bottom of my heart for the door bell. Make sure to hang the bottom of my heart in a tree so a hanging body leaves your tent alone. My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in the bottom of my heart.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing A highly stressed mime, since we’re so good at it. During the war, German scientists experimented with A highly stressed mime to weaponize my out of control libido. Dagnabbit! I got A highly stressed mime all jammed up in the wheel well again. Command, we’ve got two choppers and A highly stressed mime coming right at us. Please advise. While I was out the Roomba got into A highly stressed mime and was getting crushed between two trucks. My favorite new band is “A Highly Stressed Mime and an Old Hornet”.
That kind of attitude is why we have Getting horny for monkeys now. My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in Getting horny for monkeys. There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had what the dog ate removed so he could be Getting horny for monkeys. Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to Getting horny for monkeys, even before I put on my clothes. It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by Getting horny for monkeys. The water tower looks like it’s Getting horny for monkeys from this angle.
Life without love is like Why is this the only active truck? without her cooter or fruit. At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for putting my mouth on it and Why is this the only active truck? at the assembly line. There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had ice cold seawater removed so he could be Why is this the only active truck?. I would have never thought that I’d actually be child-bearing hips while I’m Why is this the only active truck?! Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of spinning blades and a mouthfeel like Why is this the only active truck?. So what I’m saying is we have Why is this the only active truck? to thank for Obama’s America.
That kind of attitude is why we have hiding behind the curtain now. It’s huge. It’s wet. It’s sprawled out in the parking lot. It’s hiding behind the curtain. Last night I dreamed of hiding behind the curtain. I cannot shake the feeling that sex for procreation will arrive soon. I beat hiding behind the curtain all the time! I clean a damned soul by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up hiding behind the curtain. If you’re interested in my services, email me at: hiding-behind-the-curtain@a-grape-in-a-condom.biz
{Uv} is not an excuse for tossing {n} in the trash.
Play 2
Scissoring is not an excuse for tossing a cheesy substance in the trash. Kicking the door down is not an excuse for tossing a special little fuck in the trash. Mistreating the clitoris is not an excuse for tossing my front fat in the trash. Not riding a Segway is not an excuse for tossing a refreshing douche of Sprite® in the trash. Increasing in size is not an excuse for tossing a velvet fist in the trash. Dick slapping is not an excuse for tossing really bad teeth in the trash.
The whole mall
n
When the stadium was demolished it revealed the whole mall, bringing onlookers from far and wide. I’ll never know why my grandparents find the whole mall so relaxing. Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking the whole mall onto the International Space Station. The cineplex has been using the whole mall in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil. A good description of sex, suitable for children: Acting like a child; fluids from my face; the whole mall. I need help with my computer! I downloaded a slut who will do anything and now I’m having trouble with the whole mall.
I was surprised to find bones in lumber. Is that normal? This workplace has gone (0) days without lumber. When I think South America, I feel lumber. A good description of sex, suitable for children: A Secret Service agent; lumber; a garbage disposal. I didn’t mean to start lumber, it just happened! I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me lumber.
Butt piracy
nc
I chipped my tooth on butt piracy. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t a girl’s smile. Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of childbirth and a mouthfeel like butt piracy. Researchers have trained chimps to recognise butt piracy by rewarding them with a well-oiled machine. We couldn’t land because of legs caught in the landing gear. We had to crash land on the runway like butt piracy. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be butt piracy. There’s always time for butt piracy before breakfast.
Protesters
np
The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put protesters in the slot, but I forget to take it out. During routine surgery, the doctors found protesters embedded in my abdomen. I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring protesters. My house. 8 o’clock. Protesters. The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt protesters in the sea. During the half-time show, a rip in protesters exposed the key to my heart to the audience.
