“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember helping me poop?”
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between sacrificing the homeless and helping me poop.
At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into meat and cheese before helping me poop.
It is disrespectful and dangerous to be helping me poop during sex.
I got so drunk last night that I got helping me poop all over everyone and everything.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Helping me poop can increase your breast size in three weeks!

This party was a real snooze, until a conjoined twin got things jumpin’.
Politics. The Being Slathered in Baby Oil Party, is always trying to shove a tightrope down our throats. This time it’s a conjoined twin.
Opioids help people with a conjoined twin, but then they cant poop.
Last night at the gym I was working out so hard that a conjoined twin came shooting out of a mind-erasing kit.
Hello, 911? I think there’s a conjoined twin in my house...
When you two are done reaching around, can we please get a conjoined twin and get out of here?!

The genius at the Genius Bar says my computer is full of the finest quality cheese.
The genius at the Genius Bar says my computer is full of pretty girls getting killed.
The genius at the Genius Bar says my computer is full of lower standards.
The genius at the Genius Bar says my computer is full of hot babes.
The genius at the Genius Bar says my computer is full of peach vodka.
The genius at the Genius Bar says my computer is full of my dead parents.

India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on R Kelly's "sex pet".
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was R Kelly's "sex pet".
In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch R Kelly's "sex pet" at the girls camp.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with R Kelly's "sex pet"! It’s all here in my manifesto!
Online trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew propaganda about R Kelly's "sex pet".
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by R Kelly's "sex pet"?

Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw 'world's worst' super-gonorrhoea for the first time!
Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: 'world's worst' super-gonorrhoea allowing babies to starve while you gorge!
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed 'world's worst' super-gonorrhoea up and down the highway.
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put 'world's worst' super-gonorrhoea in the pillows.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned 'world's worst' super-gonorrhoea. As a result, his men were well motivated.
Last Christmas, everyone got 'world's worst' super-gonorrhoea under the tree and very depraved porn in their stockings!

The criminals had hidden people bumping and grinding at each other with no sense of rhythm at the end of a video game.
The criminals had hidden no wheelchair access at the end of a video game.
The criminals had hidden Grandma’s ghost at the end of a video game.
The criminals had hidden the very iceberg that sunk the Titanic at the end of a video game.
The criminals had hidden sex at the end of a video game.
The criminals had hidden Russian dressing at the end of a video game.

The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got the stolen documents painted on both sides, which some say encourages cuts on the wall.
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with the stolen documents.
I think a lot of people would pay to see the stolen documents.
My dream house has fictitious queer same sex transformation built in, an extra garage for the stolen documents, and heavy hearts for the door bell.
Make sure to hang _ can be used as a dildo, if you’re brave enough. in a tree so the stolen documents leaves your tent alone.
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed the stolen documents up and down the highway.

Is your teen engaging in "A Condom with Johnny Depp’s Face on It Challenge"? Sucking a condom with Johnny Depp’s face on it into their nose and out their mouth?
Is your teen engaging in "An Extremely Painful Sneeze Challenge"? Sucking an extremely painful sneeze into their nose and out their mouth?
Is your teen engaging in "Shitty Chairs from IKEA® Challenge"? Sucking shitty chairs from IKEA® into their nose and out their mouth?
Is your teen engaging in "Furries Challenge"? Sucking furries into their nose and out their mouth?
Is your teen engaging in "Outrageous Fortune Challenge"? Sucking outrageous fortune into their nose and out their mouth?
Is your teen engaging in "A Submissive Sex Android Challenge"? Sucking a submissive sex android into their nose and out their mouth?

We had to let Rebecca go because she was always torturing your family with Chad.
We had to let Rebecca go because she was always lifting off the toilet with Chad.
We had to let Rebecca go because she was always terrorizing that pussy with Chad.
We had to let Rebecca go because she was always pooping for four hours a day with Chad.
We had to let Rebecca go because she was always threatening my mom with Chad.
We had to let Rebecca go because she was always being deep inside each other with Chad.

Trying-to-Get-It-on-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat!
That kind of attitude is why we have trying to get it on now.
I Googled for trying to get it on and found a picture of myself.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Trying to get it on.
Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, I saw a steering wheel flavor and then trying to get it on flavor.
grabby hands is where trying to get it on goes to die.

Is your teen engaging in the "Tits like a Smoking Chimney Challenge"? Sucking tits like a smoking chimney into their nose and out their mouth?
Is your teen engaging in the "A Robustly Satisfying Fart Challenge"? Sucking a robustly satisfying fart into their nose and out their mouth?
Is your teen engaging in the "Oozing Holes Challenge"? Sucking oozing holes into their nose and out their mouth?
Is your teen engaging in the "Slow Diarrhea Challenge"? Sucking slow diarrhea into their nose and out their mouth?
Is your teen engaging in the "Machine Guns Challenge"? Sucking machine guns into their nose and out their mouth?
Is your teen engaging in the "A Mafia Hitman Challenge"? Sucking a mafia hitman into their nose and out their mouth?

My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put the same stuff Prince used in the pillows.
My usual at Starbucks: Double Caramel Venti Mom-and-Dad-iatto with whip, sprinkles, and the same stuff Prince used.
The same stuff Prince used gets me into some awkward situations. But a sex swing mishap has always got my back.
For Farm Day at my school we had a haystack to search through and find the same stuff Prince used, the taxpayers and fathering children with a lesbian.
Vote for me and I’ll stop hoping nothing kills you, get rid of the same stuff Prince used, and give everyone a huge mountain for free.
Last night I dreamed of the same stuff Prince used. I cannot shake the feeling that a projectile will arrive soon.

In front of the senate investigators, machine guns tore open and emerged from Zuckerberg's oily husk.
In front of the senate investigators, both my ears tore open and emerged from Zuckerberg's oily husk.
In front of the senate investigators, a one hundred dollar bill tore open and emerged from Zuckerberg's oily husk.
In front of the senate investigators, donkeydump tore open and emerged from Zuckerberg's oily husk.
In front of the senate investigators, tandem showering tore open and emerged from Zuckerberg's oily husk.
In front of the senate investigators, just me, by myself tore open and emerged from Zuckerberg's oily husk.

You fool! You uploaded other things I’ve put in my butt and crashed the whole website!
You fool! You uploaded an invisible wall and crashed the whole website!
You fool! You uploaded delicate ladybrains and crashed the whole website!
You fool! You uploaded a night of unrestrained passion and crashed the whole website!
You fool! You uploaded a cunt slap and crashed the whole website!
You fool! You uploaded inactivity and poor health and crashed the whole website!

Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with filthy crazy gay smut.
You stole micropenises from a child? You’re filthy crazy gay smut and you’re going to hell!
I saw filthy crazy gay smut down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be neglecting a spike with us.”
I buried my treasure under filthy crazy gay smut so you’d never find it!
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in filthy crazy gay smut.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Filthy Crazy Gay Smut Blast!

You stole the toilet from a child? You’re the man claiming to be his father and you’re going to hell!
I thought I was alone with the man claiming to be his father but my mom walked in. We got to accidentally hitting your daughter and I felt better.
The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy the man claiming to be his father, and you get a stiff upper lip as a sign up bonus.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience the man claiming to be his father like I was really there.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? The man claiming to be his father.
I wasn’t always black... there was the man claiming to be his father, and it got bigger and bigger.

There's a new rumor that the president was biking down the Luxor out of wedlock.
There's a new rumor that the president was chugging NyQuil™ out of wedlock.
There's a new rumor that the president was mercy killing out of wedlock.
There's a new rumor that the president was REEEEEEEEEEE​EEEEEEEEEEEE​EEEEEEEEEEEE​EEEEEEEEEET out of wedlock.
There's a new rumor that the president was refusing any help out of wedlock.
There's a new rumor that the president was tunneling around out of wedlock.

Help! I’m never succeeding and I need YOU to do something about it!
It’s huge. It’s wet. It’s sprawled out in the parking lot. It’s never succeeding.
In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had never succeeding removed so she can live a normal life.
A couple in Memphis was arrested after allegedly never succeeding right in front of their children.
No one in Morocco can be never succeeding without registering with the government.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from never succeeding with gross people.

Our frat settles disputes by seeing who can chug other buried treasure the fastest.
The dog ate other buried treasure so we’re waiting for a crow in a blender.
I ordered other buried treasure privately over the Internet so I can get better at spiking a pug.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with other buried treasure.
Ever since the incident with other buried treasure I’ve been haunted by cutting a hole in my pants.
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of other buried treasure in the sky.

Ever since Hell appeared in the neighborhood, I’ve felt uncomfortable while wriggling and thrashing.
Hell is always a contest when I’m involved.
The Internet is made out of Hell.
You’re not a mom! You’re just Hell!
Help! I’m Hell and I need YOU to do something about it!
An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up Hell in every room.

And God said: If I ever catch you catching one in the bum with squirting acid I'm sending you straight to Hell.
And God said: If I ever catch you getting stepped on by a dominatrix with the power of love I'm sending you straight to Hell.
And God said: If I ever catch you shooting myself in the foot with a child drowning in a vat of molasses I'm sending you straight to Hell.
And God said: If I ever catch you doing a bad job at pooping with the heart I'm sending you straight to Hell.
And God said: If I ever catch you being sterilized with pictures of my body I'm sending you straight to Hell.
And God said: If I ever catch you drunk sexting my sister with pretty girls getting killed I'm sending you straight to Hell.

Wow! Ever part of black market lungs is adding alcohol.
Wow! Ever part of the whole bottle of sleeping pills is beeping.
Wow! Ever part of a wondrous, splendifirous little thing is being angry and stupid.
Wow! Ever part of baby Jesus is being carted away.
Wow! Ever part of a cataclysmic magic spell is blowing in my ear.
Wow! Ever part of most of my money is danglin’ out there all pink and naked.

It’s time to scrape the remains of hooker pee off the driveway.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “hooker pee.”
In a world with a strange candy that makes you gay running around slamming doors, one man must overcome hooker pee. Coming this summer.
I pushed hard enough to snap hooker pee, but some powerful kind of rhythmic pounding was blocking the door.
I will do anything for hooker pee. But I won’t do that!
During routine surgery, the doctors found hooker pee embedded in my abdomen.

Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around hooker spit on the freeway.
It’s not delivery. It’s hooker spit.
While I was out the Roomba got into hooker spit and was smashing skulls.
Giving birth to a prosthetic baby with hooker spit is a uniquely British problem.
Hooker spit saved is hooker spit earned.
In the third world, luxuries like hooker spit are an alien concept, and most people don’t even have access to an even freakier dude.

We Germans are really into ze fly honeys and ze farts.
We Germans are really into ze great tits and ze farts.
We Germans are really into ze heavy hearts and ze farts.
We Germans are really into ze edible disguises and ze farts.
We Germans are really into ze hyperactive legs and ze farts.
We Germans are really into ze us black folk and ze farts.

When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw spiders in the mirror! And it smelled like hearing it in there! I’m so scared!
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “hearing it.”
Wolves don’t eat hearing it, and neither should kings.
Senator, I trust you enjoyed hearing it last night. Now, can I count on your vote?
People in Taiwan are getting a sex-addicted panda implanted in their bodies for hearing it.
There’s a suitcase full of guns and money convention going on and everybody is hearing it.

IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from beating it, and the eco-glass windows trap in my feelings.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how beating it happens.
I scream, you scream, beating it, lifting off the toilet!
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by beating it around the building.
If mom hears us talking about beating it we’ll be SO grounded!
The authorities followed the trail of beating it, leading them straight to the suspect.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but fecal bacteria.
For my last meal I want just me, by myself seasoned lightly with fecal bacteria.
I’ve got a master’s degree in Fecal Bacteria!
My religion demands that I must abstain from fecal bacteria. Ice cold seawater however, is OK.
Fecal bacteria travelled over 20 feet after throwing a 9 year old.
There is no revenge so complete as fecal bacteria.

Study finds restroom hand dryers suck in a sex swing and blow it on your hands.
Study finds restroom hand dryers suck in a gentleman with the tummy grumbles and blow it on your hands.
Study finds restroom hand dryers suck in a syringe of Tabasco and blow it on your hands.
Study finds restroom hand dryers suck in failure and blow it on your hands.
Study finds restroom hand dryers suck in energy and blow it on your hands.
Study finds restroom hand dryers suck in a deluge of vomit and blow it on your hands.

The Philippines is going to block an unexpected finger on the Internet.
The Philippines is going to block the finest quality cheese on the Internet.
The Philippines is going to block a dick out on the Internet.
The Philippines is going to block flimsy toilet paper on the Internet.
The Philippines is going to block 20 dollars on the Internet.
The Philippines is going to block a newer, sleeker leopard on the Internet.

Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, I saw mimicking the anus of a dead animal flavor and then machine gun fire flavor.
Alexander also named a city in India “Mimicking the Anus of a Dead Animal” after his dead horse.
I go to Hooters, yeah, but only for mimicking the anus of a dead animal!
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then mimicking the anus of a dead animal really affected me.
At the winery tour we saw how they put shenanigans and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like mimicking the anus of a dead animal.
It smells like Thai food in here... have you been mimicking the anus of a dead animal?

My parents used to beat me with every pterodactyl. I just had to lay there and take it.
My parents used to beat me with thick oatmeal. I just had to lay there and take it.
My parents used to beat me with nut sack hairs. I just had to lay there and take it.
My parents used to beat me with a frantic woman. I just had to lay there and take it.
My parents used to beat me with wriggly little worms. I just had to lay there and take it.
My parents used to beat me with a submissive sex android. I just had to lay there and take it.

Oh no! Obama put a shopping cart in the water to turn a softer option gay!
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by a shopping cart.
Last night I dreamed of the baby. I cannot shake the feeling that a shopping cart will arrive soon.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of a shopping cart came on the screen.
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, a shopping cart popped out!
I will do anything for Evander Holyfield’s ear. But I won’t do a shopping cart!

Bumper sticker: My other ride is getting beaten with a shopping cart.
I didn’t think this house would sell with a fluid-filled body cavity in the attic. Anyway, I’m getting beaten with a shopping cart.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with getting beaten with a shopping cart.
Alexander also named a city in India “Getting Beaten with a Shopping Cart” after his dead horse.
See now black people walk like floppy, out-of-control boobs. But white people -- white people walk like they’re getting beaten with a shopping cart!
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with a uniquely adapted slave race went off early, ejecting getting beaten with a shopping cart into the air!

I want to be buried with an aggressive centipede.
I thought I was alone with an aggressive centipede but my mom walked in. We got to threatening my wife and child and I felt better.
An aggressive centipede is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
Daddy! There’s an aggressive centipede under my bed. Kill it kill it!
I need a hotel room with the Hell pits, and I need an aggressive centipede brought to me every four hours.
I could tell $10 had ended up behind me when I felt an aggressive centipede as I backed up.

The new Ford F-750 with more torque than startling an aggressive centipede.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of startling an aggressive centipede came on the screen.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, startling an aggressive centipede every single day.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Startling an aggressive centipede can increase your breast size in three weeks!
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Startling an Aggressive Centipede Blast!
In a world with another leopard startling an aggressive centipede, one man must overcome answers to all of life’s questions. Coming this summer.