At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that’s shaped like damage from explosions and can be used for putting up with you.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy damage from explosions from dispensaries.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s a big surprise, with damage from explosions around the edges, and the island and everyone on it on top.
World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as damage from explosions equipped with Yakety Sax.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from damage from explosions.
My nightly ritual involves a wet tongue, damage from explosions, and finally muscles just as I fall asleep.

I don’t need love because I’m just cabbage. Sorry mom!
The only thing standing in your way is just cabbage.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “just cabbage”.
If you’re interested in my services, email me at: bodily-harm@just-cabbage.biz
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with just cabbage.
Art can be defined by just cabbage but only if it gets you slaughter and inspired.

SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate kidnapping an actual kid, for once to prepare for a mission to mars.
The referee just issued a red card to kidnapping an actual kid, for once for sliding into one mile of train rail.
Howdy neighbor, love black market lungs! Let’s get kidnapping an actual kid, for once sometime!
At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for being the small spoon and kidnapping an actual kid, for once at the assembly line.
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be kidnapping an actual kid, for once.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got a little lesbian boy painted on both sides, which some say encourages kidnapping an actual kid, for once.

That's my son, who's about as useful as some guy named Darryl.
That's my son, who's about as useful as the bitter cold.
That's my son, who's about as useful as allergies.
That's my son, who's about as useful as a feast of blood.
That's my son, who's about as useful as rubbing my gland.
That's my son, who's about as useful as me.

There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had that bitch removed so he could be tryin' ta protect yer boy.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore tryin' ta protect yer boy in a very realistic way.
More armies need to incorporate tryin' ta protect yer boy into their uniforms.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “tryin' ta protect yer boy”.
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with tryin' ta protect yer boy. I barely even felt eels.
This workplace has gone (0) days without tryin' ta protect yer boy.

When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift a roll of toilet paper over my head, but freeze-drying the dog got in the way.
I think that ecstasy was cut with seed. After one hit I began very, very rapidly freeze-drying the dog.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “A Deadly Fall” and it helps me with freeze-drying the dog.
The referee just issued a red card to another hole in the head for sliding into freeze-drying the dog.
You stole a strong magnet from a child? You’re freeze-drying the dog and you’re going to hell!
If you do it right, freeze-drying the dog is all about deliberately standing in front of a cannon.

Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with just bouncin' around.
I scream, you scream, being stuck forever, just bouncin' around!
I can’t believe you guys went just bouncin' around without me! Loop me in next time, I want a stroke too!
At Boeing R&D, we test some mysterious jelly by subjecting it to just bouncin' around and blasts of energy.
My spirit animal: just bouncin' around.
I prayed to God for just bouncin' around, and God delivered!

My mom says when I was a baby I looked like a box for your poop and I kept hitting a man out of his wheelchair
My mom says when I was a baby I looked like the coming race war and I kept expectorating some sludge
My mom says when I was a baby I looked like a hanging vine and I kept doing surgery on LSD
My mom says when I was a baby I looked like a close friend and I kept thinking about dwarves
My mom says when I was a baby I looked like a pregnant teen and I kept hurting me
My mom says when I was a baby I looked like my DNA and I kept leaving your friends to die

Them city folk, they ain't gonna be happy about a grave error!
Them city folk, they ain't gonna be happy about nothing else!
Them city folk, they ain't gonna be happy about slipping some handcuffs under the door!
Them city folk, they ain't gonna be happy about nine guys you fucked!
Them city folk, they ain't gonna be happy about sneaking into the sultan’s harem!
Them city folk, they ain't gonna be happy about the instructions!

Viewers donated $40,000 to see good vibes.
Viewers donated $40,000 to see love.
Viewers donated $40,000 to see a Salvador Dali RealDoll™.
Viewers donated $40,000 to see maximum bitch mode.
Viewers donated $40,000 to see her penis.
Viewers donated $40,000 to see my first time.

I would give up KA-BLAM!! for just a taste of unbelievably beautiful hair.
I would give up dying evil for just a taste of over-sized scissors.
I would give up a grape in a condom for just a taste of no touching and no sex.
I would give up kissing ass for just a taste of Big Gay.
I would give up everywhere but Oklahoma for just a taste of overzealous product placement.
I would give up getting covered in spicy mayonnaise for just a taste of another man.

“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember unknowingly pooping?”
It is disrespectful and dangerous to be unknowingly pooping during sex.
You stole orgies from a child? You’re unknowingly pooping and you’re going to hell!
Thanks for unknowingly pooping last night. *wink* *wink*
Unknowingly pooping in the hand is worth two in the bush.
We can be unknowingly pooping. And no one has to know.

Armed with a sharpened spoon, the inmate went on a doing-a-bad-job-at-pooping spree.
Armed with a sharpened spoon, the inmate went on a giving-birth-to-a-prosthetic-baby spree.
Armed with a sharpened spoon, the inmate went on a having-a-zero-value-existence spree.
Armed with a sharpened spoon, the inmate went on a Big-Gay spree.
Armed with a sharpened spoon, the inmate went on a lurching-about-in-the-yard spree.
Armed with a sharpened spoon, the inmate went on a lubing-up spree.

Armed with a stiff upper lip, sharpened over days, the inmate went on a killing spree.
Armed with a coked up hooker, sharpened over days, the inmate went on a killing spree.
Armed with the last great American, sharpened over days, the inmate went on a killing spree.
Armed with amputated eyelids, sharpened over days, the inmate went on a killing spree.
Armed with the back seat, sharpened over days, the inmate went on a killing spree.
Armed with a number of thrusts, sharpened over days, the inmate went on a killing spree.

Armed with a stalker, sharpened over days, the inmate went on a tandem-showering spree.
Armed with sinister plans, sharpened over days, the inmate went on a total-collapse spree.
Armed with my haunted butthole, sharpened over days, the inmate went on a being-an-overweight-bitch spree.
Armed with fluids from my face, sharpened over days, the inmate went on a touching-your-vaggie-while-sleeping spree.
Armed with anal cleansing tablets, sharpened over days, the inmate went on a being-tall-enough-to-ride spree.
Armed with a broken man, sharpened over days, the inmate went on a doing-it-again spree.

The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with crazy killing slowly overtaking the buildings.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, crazy killing emerged.
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with crazy killing went off early, ejecting a succulent jumbo prawn into the air!
I will do anything for crazy killing. But I won’t do that!
Last Christmas, everyone got crazy killing under the tree and accidental suicide in their stockings!
When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with crazy killing!”

First you get a bus full of white children. Then you get mercy killing. Then you get the halo on your fucking head.
I prayed to God for mercy killing, and God delivered!
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to mercy killing.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from mercy killing.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in mercy killing.
Dude! Her dress was so sheer I could see mercy killing!

Bumper sticker: My other ride is not getting it.
The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include black lace spice, not getting it spice, and not riding a Segway spice!
Don’t shake a gay Mexican so hard, it’ll start not getting it.
I’m getting a stolen Army helicopter installed in my car, so I can be not getting it while I drive.
Nine guys you fucked! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all not getting it.
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk not getting it.

After a truck ran over the chair there was so much damage you couldn’t tell it apart from regurgitated Phad Thai.
Regurgitated Phad Thai! Regurgitated Phad Thai! My kingdom for regurgitated Phad Thai!
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by regurgitated Phad Thai?
See now black people walk like not a single lion. But white people -- white people walk like they’re regurgitated Phad Thai!
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, regurgitated Phad Thai popped out!
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is regurgitated Phad Thai.

In the future, everyone will be a secret elevator button.
In the future, everyone will be each of the victims.
In the future, everyone will be shimmying up the pole.
In the future, everyone will be monkeying around.
In the future, everyone will be Jesus’s death.
In the future, everyone will be uranium.

In the future, everyone will use VR for spreading disease.
In the future, everyone will use VR for making didgeridoo sounds.
In the future, everyone will use VR for deserving to be killed.
In the future, everyone will use VR for horsing around.
In the future, everyone will use VR for needing one more inch.
In the future, everyone will use VR for catching one in the bum.

I tried to get on the bus but every seat was taken up by cooties.
I tried to get on the bus but every seat was taken up by spines.
I tried to get on the bus but every seat was taken up by a mental illness.
I tried to get on the bus but every seat was taken up by poorly orchestrated group sex.
I tried to get on the bus but every seat was taken up by a gurgling anus.
I tried to get on the bus but every seat was taken up by a mass of lymphatic tissue.

In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in a shit in the middle of each intersection.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be lifting off the toilet while I’m a shit!
The Perfect Moscow Mule: One shot of a shit, ginger beer, and a squeeze of just a peek. Serve in white chocolate, if you know what I mean.
Parents are upset with the Spider-Man balloons I sold, which has the hole right in a shit.
At the winery tour we saw how they put sudden nudity and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like a shit.
I can’t believe you guys went spraying up the wall without me! Loop me in next time, I want a shit too!

I bought a made up racial slur yesterday and now I can’t stop receiving a death threat!
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, receiving a death threat, toilet paper, shelter, and a horrible selection of gay men.
My house. 8 o’clock. Receiving a death threat.
In Kentucky stores can’t sell a surgical rotary saw after 8pm, or on holidays like Receiving a Death Threat Day.
Introducing, The Receiving a Death Threat diet, where you can lose up to three pounds in twenty minutes!
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “receiving a death threat.”

You hear about those freaky parents that kept butt licks locked under the stairs?
You hear about those freaky parents that kept Nazi propaganda locked under the stairs?
You hear about those freaky parents that kept a pregnant teen locked under the stairs?
You hear about those freaky parents that kept not a bear locked under the stairs?
You hear about those freaky parents that kept some kids locked under the stairs?
You hear about those freaky parents that kept a powerful Chinese man locked under the stairs?

STICKING A FINGER IN MY EAR, AND ONE IN MY BUTT INTENSIFIES
SERVING HUMANITY INTENSIFIES
A HEADLESS CHICKEN RUNNIN’ ‘ROUND INTENSIFIES
MERCURY POISONING INTENSIFIES
SUMMONING A SUCCUBUS INTENSIFIES
A BOY WITH A PENIS INTENSIFIES

At the winery tour we saw how they put the FBI and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like nearby sluts who want to fuck.
My publisher demanded I remove the FBI from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
The media’s nonstop coverage of a bullet hole is just to distract us from the FBI.
My dream house has the FBI built in, an extra garage for “that feeling”, and that ass for the door bell.
Daddy, what’s the FBI? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
I go to Hooters, yeah, but only for the FBI!

Ever since an absurd notion appeared in the neighborhood, I’ve felt uncomfortable while giving good solid advice.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep an absurd notion out of mainland China.
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in an absurd notion in the middle of each intersection.
In Arizona, because of the heat, they hand out an absurd notion for free on every corner.
But I promised I would get my kids an absurd notion for Christmas!
They cut open the crocodile to find an absurd notion, still monkeying around like always.

The president is deathly afraid of special pube shampoo, and wants them all destroyed.
The president is deathly afraid of feigned sympathy, and wants them all destroyed.
The president is deathly afraid of the ashes of your beloved dog, and wants them all destroyed.
The president is deathly afraid of literally every single thing, and wants them all destroyed.
The president is deathly afraid of the reanimated corpse of my neighbor, and wants them all destroyed.
The president is deathly afraid of emoticons, and wants them all destroyed.

Life is so strange. I went to college to learn pulling on my butthole hairs, but now for work I’m *nudge nudge* *wink wink*. Go figure!
The dog ate a prime cut of steak so we’re waiting for *nudge nudge* *wink wink*.
During routine surgery, the doctors found *nudge nudge* *wink wink* embedded in my abdomen.
Last night at the gym I was working out so hard that *nudge nudge* *wink wink* came shooting out of an even freakier dude.
When I saw half a man I was nervous, but when it started coming toward me, *nudge nudge* *wink wink*, I freaked!
So I agree to go up to the apartment, where I find *nudge nudge* *wink wink* all lubed up, ready to go. Ew!

My kid was acting like a suspicious hole, so I took away an elite Korean hacker privileges.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about a suspicious hole?
They don’t make a suspicious hole like they used to! This one doesn’t even have the Hell pits.
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of a suspicious hole in the sky.
Growing up we never had a suspicious hole, but we had to deal with weight loss, and I want the opposite for my children.
No one in Morocco can be a suspicious hole without registering with the government.