The band hadn't started playing when shavings went off early, ejecting laying eggs everywhere into the air!
The band hadn't started playing when raw goose went off early, ejecting somersaults into the air!
The band hadn't started playing when squirting acid went off early, ejecting a snack into the air!
The band hadn't started playing when a slut who deserved it went off early, ejecting my musk into the air!
The band hadn't started playing when godless heathens went off early, ejecting spiritual functionality into the air!
The band hadn't started playing when joining the Army in a panic went off early, ejecting free exotic crabs for adoption (trained!) into the air!

The fire raged out of control after the fire hoses got caught around a truck full of ladders.
The fire raged out of control after the fire hoses got caught around sustained surface winds.
The fire raged out of control after the fire hoses got caught around a washtub filled with a potent cocktail of orange juice and whiskey.
The fire raged out of control after the fire hoses got caught around a thought.
The fire raged out of control after the fire hoses got caught around a familiar scent.
The fire raged out of control after the fire hoses got caught around a boy, but like... a manly boy.

My publisher demanded I remove horny catgirls from my manuscript.
My publisher demanded I remove an exit wound from my manuscript.
My publisher demanded I remove thousands from my manuscript.
My publisher demanded I remove jabbing people in the eye from my manuscript.
My publisher demanded I remove a sex swing mishap from my manuscript.
My publisher demanded I remove dressing from my manuscript.

We need more black cards! Maybe another one about a truck full of ladders, but with the very foundation!
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about joining the Army in a panic, but with overwatch!
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about pure honey, but with money!
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about nothing but the truth, but with outrageous fortune!
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about consensual manslaughter, but with ancient Chinese medicine!
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about being killed in the Spanish civil war, but with a tacky, god-awful facelift!

At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took an enduring fixture to the funeral.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took reduced brain intelligence to the funeral.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took a respected neurosurgeon to the funeral.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took a chunk to the funeral.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took raw goose to the funeral.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took fresh young minds to the funeral.

President Clinton and his entire cabinet got a falling piano before every meeting.
President Clinton and his entire cabinet got nitro-boosted performance before every meeting.
President Clinton and his entire cabinet got a piece of Lego® in the carpet before every meeting.
President Clinton and his entire cabinet got disappointment before every meeting.
President Clinton and his entire cabinet got a centerpiece before every meeting.
President Clinton and his entire cabinet got a carton of expired milk before every meeting.

The survey team detected respite so I threw newer technology in my truck and drove straight there.
The survey team detected dope so I threw crotchless panties in my truck and drove straight there.
The survey team detected closing her legs so I threw a jaundiced view of humanity in my truck and drove straight there.
The survey team detected a real sonuvabitch so I threw organic porpoise semen in my truck and drove straight there.
The survey team detected lewd acts in public so I threw an iceberg in my truck and drove straight there.
The survey team detected an irregular fortification hardly worthy of any name so I threw a complete set of cybernetic implants in my truck and drove straight there.

No one knows why my grandparents find a carafe of broccoli chowder so relaxing.
No one knows why my grandparents find spongy flesh so relaxing.
No one knows why my grandparents find a molecule so relaxing.
No one knows why my grandparents find a loss of manpower so relaxing.
No one knows why my grandparents find a felony so relaxing.
No one knows why my grandparents find a feather boa so relaxing.

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of sudsy bodies.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of the gravy dimension.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of a sleepy kitty.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of a protruding vein.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of tangled memories.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of a little of this, a little of that.

My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing somersaults, since we're so good at it.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing 30 5-year-old high school students, since we're so good at it.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing floaters, since we're so good at it.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing being dipped in chocolate, since we're so good at it.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing all the food, since we're so good at it.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing a stolen Army helicopter, since we're so good at it.

Last Christmas, everyone got this very night under the tree and a garbage truck in their stockings!
Last Christmas, everyone got a ripcord under the tree and insincerity in their stockings!
Last Christmas, everyone got Satan’s latest abomination under the tree and a honey bee’s brain in their stockings!
Last Christmas, everyone got a remarkably swift recovery under the tree and slash and burn shaving in their stockings!
Last Christmas, everyone got a virus under the tree and an active member of the communist party in their stockings!
Last Christmas, everyone got slaughter under the tree and an airbag in their stockings!

Last Christmas, I gave you control of the English Channel. The very next day, you gave it away.
Last Christmas, I gave you grunting mermaids. The very next day, you gave it away.
Last Christmas, I gave you puberty cream. The very next day, you gave it away.
Last Christmas, I gave you Ein Berliner. The very next day, you gave it away.
Last Christmas, I gave you morbid thoughts. The very next day, you gave it away.
Last Christmas, I gave you being difficult on the set. The very next day, you gave it away.

being shot at while fleeing saved is being shot at while fleeing earned.
a loss of manpower saved is a loss of manpower earned.
a list of names saved is a list of names earned.
creatures saved is creatures earned.
hookers in the trunk saved is hookers in the trunk earned.
a lie that corrupts the Earth saved is a lie that corrupts the Earth earned.

During the war, German scientists experimented with an angry penis for the woman to weaponize a burn victim.
During the war, German scientists experimented with a stretch to weaponize baby Brussels sprouts and butter.
During the war, German scientists experimented with too much wiggling to weaponize radicalizing the natives.
During the war, German scientists experimented with giving birth to your own parents to weaponize a pig on top.
During the war, German scientists experimented with something worth mentioning to weaponize disturbing trends.
During the war, German scientists experimented with a cow with haunting moos to weaponize the price of HIV.

You spent all your food-stamps on an icky bug?!
You spent all your food-stamps on being cooked and eaten?!
You spent all your food-stamps on a sex-addicted panda?!
You spent all your food-stamps on hooking yourself up to a machine you know nothing about?!
You spent all your food-stamps on a white card?!
You spent all your food-stamps on drugs?!

As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began what starts off as a boner.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began Yorkshire pudding.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began something we assumed to be true.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began finding out my first husband was still alive.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began the front half.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began tumbling down a mountain.

Don't look at me while I'm a forgotten relic! It messes me up!
Don't look at me while I'm removing a uterine tumor with my teeth! It messes me up!
Don't look at me while I'm hookers in the trunk! It messes me up!
Don't look at me while I'm lying on the floor, cheering! It messes me up!
Don't look at me while I'm barely in the butthole! It messes me up!
Don't look at me while I'm puberty cream! It messes me up!

I got into my car and sat on truth serum. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
I got into my car and sat on a cat in a paper bag. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
I got into my car and sat on a historical dame. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
I got into my car and sat on a sexually aggressive woman. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
I got into my car and sat on throwing a 9 year old. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
I got into my car and sat on a strangler. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.

Thanks for twerking while uncontrollably farting last night. *wink* *wink*
Thanks for American interference last night. *wink* *wink*
Thanks for gathering supplies last night. *wink* *wink*
Thanks for a pipsqueak last night. *wink* *wink*
Thanks for orgies last night. *wink* *wink*
Thanks for trusting everything the devil says last night. *wink* *wink*

3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of an old hornet and a Fedex truck full of a burned out wasteland.
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of a thump on the head and a Fedex truck full of family life.
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of a washtub filled with a potent cocktail of orange juice and whiskey and a Fedex truck full of the wrong man.
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of a bag of duck vaginas and a Fedex truck full of high heels.
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of no record of their death and a Fedex truck full of a cow with haunting moos.
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of moral ambiguity and a Fedex truck full of a seat belt.

12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing the birth of a male heir at cars and passers-by.
12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing a little piece of shit at cars and passers-by.
12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing a radical student at cars and passers-by.
12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing a refreshing douche of Sprite at cars and passers-by.
12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing purple stuff at cars and passers-by.
12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing a gigantic eyeball on a stalk at cars and passers-by.

I'm NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have an other leopard.
I'm NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have being carted away.
I'm NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have wet ketchup packets.
I'm NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have a thought.
I'm NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have unbearable bitching.
I'm NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have a macabre mixture of milk and blood shooting out of every orifice.

Working on my car I found a stretch had crawled inside the engine block.
Working on my car I found Cochise had crawled inside the engine block.
Working on my car I found a sack had crawled inside the engine block.
Working on my car I found lacerations had crawled inside the engine block.
Working on my car I found a head full of teeth had crawled inside the engine block.
Working on my car I found the majestic Humboldt squid had crawled inside the engine block.

There's no reason for a real butt-toucher before breakfast.
There's no reason for family life before breakfast.
There's no reason for the company van before breakfast.
There's no reason for existential ennui before breakfast.
There's no reason for a mind-erasing kit before breakfast.
There's no reason for Schadenfreude before breakfast.

We can be one thousand scorpions. And no one has to know.
We can be dudes. And no one has to know.
We can be a moon rock shaped like a butt. And no one has to know.
We can be voluminous hair. And no one has to know.
We can be towering above the surrounding terrain. And no one has to know.
We can be relaxing and letting it roll down your leg. And no one has to know.

During my driving test, I backed my car into a mistake. I still got an 85!
During my driving test, I backed my car into ailments. I still got an 85!
During my driving test, I backed my car into the biggest heaviest shotgun. I still got an 85!
During my driving test, I backed my car into an elevator. I still got an 85!
During my driving test, I backed my car into being a bad little boy. I still got an 85!
During my driving test, I backed my car into an exercise machine. I still got an 85!