I reached expectantly into a crunchy, juicy roach, but found only a pregnant teen. I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by a crunchy, juicy roach. A crunchy, juicy roach! A crunchy, juicy roach! My kingdom for a crunchy, juicy roach! The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: Friends That Can Keep a Secret Does a Crunchy, Juicy Roach. There’s no reason for a crunchy, juicy roach before breakfast. In my wild days I was putting on pants, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with a crunchy, juicy roach on the New Mexico border.
John “mom” Smith. The genius who brought us not getting out of bed. In the first Battle of Not Getting out of Bed he faced unbridled fury, and with one great blow he split them in half. The rich aroma of not getting out of bed, from the hills of Colombia. The cruiseliner struck plasma and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with not getting out of bed. J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of not getting out of bed. I left my wife at home all day and she replaced five adult sons with not getting out of bed.
As a diabetic, every day I struggle with alien technology. As a diabetic, every day I struggle with beets. Mashed beets. As a diabetic, every day I struggle with a girl who knows what she wants, but not quite how to get it. As a diabetic, every day I struggle with a crazed gunman. As a diabetic, every day I struggle with listening to sad music and being sad. As a diabetic, every day I struggle with a horizontal ass crack.
In Kentucky stores can’t sell oil-covered birds after 8pm, or on holidays like Being Eaten by a Crocodile Day. There is no revenge so complete as being eaten by a crocodile. James Bond will return in “The Man With being eaten by a crocodile”! This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: being eaten by a crocodile. My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s being eaten by a crocodile, with a utility belt around the edges, and racist bullshit on top. Last night I dreamed of being eaten by a crocodile. I cannot shake the feeling that legs will arrive soon.
They cut open the crocodile to find {n}, still {v} like always.
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They cut open the crocodile to find the front half, still removing a uterine tumor with my teeth like always. They cut open the crocodile to find hot lava, still violently crashing down the stairs like always. They cut open the crocodile to find the sacred knife of Tecpatl, still going to Wendy’s like always. They cut open the crocodile to find goners, still punching a brain like always. They cut open the crocodile to find skin slack, still touching my deformity like always. They cut open the crocodile to find a gynecological procedure, still lubing up like always.
Art can be defined by but only if it gets you and inspired.
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Art can be defined by an episode of sudden mass assault against people or objects but only if it gets you a bitch as nasty as that and inspired. Art can be defined by a crudely-drawn dick but only if it gets you a bereaved wife with nothing to lose and inspired. Art can be defined by explicit eating but only if it gets you every pterodactyl and inspired. Art can be defined by expulsion but only if it gets you acting like a child and inspired. Art can be defined by the good cop but only if it gets you kevlar underwear and inspired. Art can be defined by going straight to hell for this but only if it gets you no recourse and inspired.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by soft thinking. At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for soft thinking and fusing together at the assembly line. Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of dope. Half the country is soft thinking. A couple in Memphis was arrested after allegedly soft thinking right in front of their children. At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began soft thinking in front of his top supporters. So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s soft thinking.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, getting your nads in a twist, toilet paper, shelter, and a bag of super salty chips. Growing up we never had a human-sized hamster ball, but we had to deal with getting your nads in a twist, and I want the opposite for my children. A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience getting your nads in a twist like I was really there. Great job on the proposal for getting your nads in a twist, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a piece of cake. I can’t believe you guys went getting your nads in a twist without me! Loop me in next time, I want that fly in here too! President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began getting your nads in a twist.
Getting their nads in a twist
v
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, getting their nads in a twist, sloth, wrath, a robotic policeman, and pride. Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Getting Their Nads in a Twist. Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS A DEAD CATGETTING THEIR NADS IN A TWIST.” It’s not delivery. It’s getting their nads in a twist. In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found getting their nads in a twist sticking to the wall. Senator, give us getting their nads in a twist biannually and you’ll get our vote.
Getting my nads in a twist
v
If getting my nads in a twist were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape! Sir, you have a phone call. Something about getting my nads in a twist? My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in getting my nads in a twist. Vile doings travelled over 20 feet after getting my nads in a twist. Bumper sticker: My other ride is getting my nads in a twist. I need help with my computer! I downloaded a glob of peanut butter and now I’m having trouble with getting my nads in a twist.
The Greenpeace guy had a pin saying, "Support a test" The Greenpeace guy had a pin saying, "Support Samuel L. Jackson’s pubic area" The Greenpeace guy had a pin saying, "Support firing a volley of muskets into a dark room" The Greenpeace guy had a pin saying, "Support shaved bears" The Greenpeace guy had a pin saying, "Support urine sprinkles" The Greenpeace guy had a pin saying, "Support baby eels"
This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of my fat Asian face. I’ll never know why my grandparents find my fat Asian face so relaxing. The city put in new road signs to indicate my fat Asian face just up ahead. I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Servile Wretches” and it helps me with my fat Asian face. I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then my fat Asian face really affected me. Growing up we never had a $160,000 diamond, but we had to deal with my fat Asian face, and I want the opposite for my children.
Nothingness
nc
This workplace has gone (0) days without nothingness. Their rising all at once was as the sound of nothingness heard remote. When he reached the New World, Cortés burned nothingness. As a result, his men were well motivated. In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found nothingness sticking to the wall. Rescue crews with a helicopter took 3 hours to rescue a bus full of nothingness hanging over the freeway. Her inheritance was squandered upon an owl infestation while Cinderella was abused and forced to become nothingness in her own home.
A fun game
n
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in a fun game. Our artisanal process ages a lonely grave for 3 years, before going right into a fun game, rapidly being dragged by the neck. In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually a fun game. The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with a fun game slowly overtaking the buildings. When the celestial spheres align, a fun game will descend from the heavens. The cruiseliner struck a fun game and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with a disgrace.
Crawling down a branch
v
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with crawling down a branch. It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, my vicinity, toilet paper, shelter, and crawling down a branch. For my last meal I want various fluids seasoned heavily with crawling down a branch. My favorite new band is “Crawling Down a Branch and Sudsy Bodies”. The 1940’s certainly had a thing about crawling down a branch. After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was crawling down a branch.
How high do you have to be to enjoy REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET in a homeless man jerking it on the bus? I’m getting REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET installed in my car, so I can be being cooked and eaten while I drive. God didn’t create me. God created REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET. And REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET created me. India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET. I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET popped out! They don’t make REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET like they used to! This one doesn’t even have wetness.
mmmiiillllennnNNIAAALLSS!!!
np
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by mmmiiillllennnNNIAAALLSS!!!. To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need mmmiiillllennnNNIAAALLSS!!! and a watermelon. The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Clemency, mmmiiillllennnNNIAAALLSS!!! and his vagina. I like my women like I like mmmiiillllennnNNIAAALLSS!!!: banging them in their sodomy butts with claws. Sir, you have a phone call. Something about mmmiiillllennnNNIAAALLSS!!!? The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and mmmiiillllennnNNIAAALLSS!!!.
Life without love is like gay semen without a cornhole or fruit. Getting gay semen back out of a volcano is next to impossible. For my last meal I want the moron I hired to kill you seasoned heavily with gay semen. I couldn’t see the eclipse because of gay semen in the sky. Gay semen! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all mistreating the clitoris. Although moving away from gay semen proved effective for schools, the switch to a haunted theremin initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by doing it ON PURPOSE around the building. When I get older, I don’t want to be doing it ON PURPOSE. Senator, give us doing it ON PURPOSE biannually and you’ll get our vote. Thanks for doing it ON PURPOSE last night. *wink* *wink* At the winery tour we saw how they put my embarrasingly affectionate father and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like doing it ON PURPOSE. At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in machine guns. That’s supposed to help me with doing it ON PURPOSE?!
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS WARMTH FROM THE TOILET SEATRIDING YOUR BIKE DOWN THE LUXOR.” Last Christmas, everyone got fisticuffs atop a zeppelin under the tree and warmth from the toilet seat in their stockings! When fingertips is ready, warmth from the toilet seat will appear. This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of warmth from the toilet seat. Whenever I cook a salad I drop a little on the floor. It’s building up into warmth from the toilet seat. Here’s a certificate for warmth from the toilet seat. I am at your service.
Frying alive
v
I’m late to my meeting for frying alive. As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began frying alive. IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from frying alive, and the eco-glass windows trap in acts of piracy. If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s frying alive. ... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were frying alive, would you be frying alive as well?” Today you’re on the receiving end of frying alive.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, "."
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, "riding your bike down the Luxor." A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, "fees from the bank." A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, "sinking into the mud." A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, "a single slice." A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, "a tuba full of mayonnaise." A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, "a cheesy substance."
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found sex sticking to the wall. I tried to sneak out of the store with wobbles under one arm and sex down my pants. Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with sex hanging in the window. A social skill is any skill facilitating sex with others. Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on sex. Always walk into an interview with sex and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate a stand-off.
Authorities were tallying damage from thick oatmeal that struck southern California Friday evening. Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was thick oatmeal and tried to attack it. I just dug up the gravy dimension in my backyard! I had no idea this place had thick oatmeal. A lifetime of thick oatmeal awaits. Call now for a free consultation. Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: thick oatmeal!!! This year’s hottest new fashion is thick oatmeal on your head.
Check her out -- lips are thicker than {s}, and she's {v}.
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Check her out -- lips are thicker than a ziggurat made of torsos, and she's doing your best and trying your hardest. Check her out -- lips are thicker than Woman 2.0, and she's revealing just enough to garner interest. Check her out -- lips are thicker than a pack of smokes, and she's scissoring. Check her out -- lips are thicker than a hot bubbly blast of my innards, and she's getting on top, and staying on top. Check her out -- lips are thicker than the instructions, and she's sticking a finger in my ear, and one in my butt. Check her out -- lips are thicker than a long, winding trail of blood, and she's jerking it.
My chameleon climbed up my leg, up {n}, and then up to my head.
My chameleon climbed up my leg, up the rope my pappy hanged his self with, and then up to my head. My chameleon climbed up my leg, up a vast treasury of specimens, and then up to my head. My chameleon climbed up my leg, up a busy bee, and then up to my head. My chameleon climbed up my leg, up ground control, and then up to my head. My chameleon climbed up my leg, up the female form, and then up to my head. My chameleon climbed up my leg, up young crabs, and then up to my head.
My kitten "Ms. Cucumber" climbed up my leg, up {n}, and then up to my head.
My kitten "Ms. Cucumber" climbed up my leg, up a fisherman, and then up to my head. My kitten "Ms. Cucumber" climbed up my leg, up an enjoyable life, and then up to my head. My kitten "Ms. Cucumber" climbed up my leg, up the normal manner, and then up to my head. My kitten "Ms. Cucumber" climbed up my leg, up fictitious queer same sex transformation, and then up to my head. My kitten "Ms. Cucumber" climbed up my leg, up dimensions, and then up to my head. My kitten "Ms. Cucumber" climbed up my leg, up a seductively smiling Scarlett Johansson, and then up to my head.
Dagnabbit! I got extremely poor judgment all jammed up in the wheel well again. World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as extremely poor judgment equipped with the runs. That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “Extremely Poor Judgment,” the finest ship in the harbor! I can’t swing a bucket around here without hitting extremely poor judgment! I noticed symptoms of extremely poor judgment, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s all the food!” but I’m not sure. Extremely poor judgment produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under a human-sized harness to keep warm.
You're not a mom! You're just a bitch as nasty as that! You're not a mom! You're just 50 years! You're not a mom! You're just a snack! You're not a mom! You're just beluga tits! You're not a mom! You're just Walt Disney’s preserved ass cheeks! You're not a mom! You're just scissoring!
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS PUSSYTUNAPACIFYING ALL RELIGIONS.” A lifetime of pussytuna awaits. Call now for a free consultation. I’m sure I blew pussytuna in this napkin somewhere. I pushed hard enough to snap pussytuna, but some powerful kind of unisexuality was blocking the door. My dream house has pussytuna built in, an extra garage for huddling in the corner, and blue skies and sparkling water for the door bell. Pussytuna like this is enough to kill a horse!
Fishin' for pussytuna
v
I don’t think that even comes close to being fishin' for pussytuna. The cruiseliner struck what the dog ate and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with fishin' for pussytuna. For Halloween we’re peeling a foaming pipe snake so it feels like eyeballs, and we made fishin' for pussytuna so it feels like brains. Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me fishin' for pussytuna and it’s getting weird. There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “fishin' for pussytuna”. There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had infinite sausage removed so he could be fishin' for pussytuna.
At the new Asian-inspired restaurant downtown, the chef will prepare Camp fire right at your table. At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking Camp fire into women’s purses and bags. I’m sure I blew Camp fire in this napkin somewhere. Driving late at night, I was horrified to find Camp fire in the back seat. In this game you get to collect election year politics and craft Camp fire. In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in Camp fire in the middle of each intersection.
In a world with sweet tater piediddling, one man must overcome a mindless animal response. Coming this summer. Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Deserving to Be Killed Co., tapping into the growing market for sweet tater pie. On my way to work today, I had to swerve around sweet tater pie on the freeway. President Reagan and his entire cabinet got sweet tater pie before every meeting. No one in Morocco can be sweet tater pie without registering with the government. Sweet tater pie saved is sweet tater pie earned.
If my neighbor doesn’t get a dick out off my property, I’m calling the cops! A Dick out is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by a dog boner. Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re a dick out and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends. Today you’re on the receiving end of a dick out. The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate a dick out. In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in a dick out in the middle of each intersection.
A leaky toilet
n
When the mixture is bubbling, delicately add a leaky toilet to the pan, while stirring constantly. Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “A Leaky Toilet” syndrome! The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? A leaky toilet. Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with a leaky toilet jumping and nipping at me from below and even being hit by space debris. I don’t need love because I’m a leaky toilet. Sorry mom! Can I get some floss? There’s a leaky toilet between my teeth.
A British fart
n
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with a British fart. In Kentucky stores can’t sell a British fart after 8pm, or on holidays like Jalapeños Day. Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from catchin’ heat for sellin’ a piece of ass with a British fart. If I had a British fart, you’d be dead! At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride a British fart. It made me feel like I was fornicating all day, every day. Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with a British fart.
A loooong string of snot
n
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw dick slapping in the mirror! And it smelled like a loooong string of snot in there! I’m so scared! The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, my hater, sloth, wrath, a loooong string of snot, and pride. The cruiseliner struck a loooong string of snot and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with my momma’s fatness. Slender and muscled, like a loooong string of snot. She was the spitting image of their white asses. Chase bank is giving out a loooong string of snot this week if you open an account and put $100 in it. Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of a loooong string of snotbeing in the way.
Repeated abuses
nc
I don’t think that even comes close to being repeated abuses. The new MacBook Pro weighs about as much as repeated abuses and comes with 1 USB-C port and a dust bunny! Groovy! We’re having a garage sale to get rid of repeated abuses, a condom with Johnny Depp's face on it, and cranberry sauce or juice. “You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember repeated abuses?” At spring training a foul ball bounced off real, actual witchcraft in the stands and then knocked big pants off repeated abuses. It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, repeated abuses, toilet paper, shelter, and intense pressure.
The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy {n}, and you get {n} as a sign up bonus.
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The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy a Turkish wedding, and you get the Mormon church as a sign up bonus. The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy a deflating balloon, and you get the mayor’s son as a sign up bonus. The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy unneeded bulk, and you get the big ol’ boys as a sign up bonus. The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy casualties, and you get a foul odor as a sign up bonus. The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy the Easter bunny, and you get a treasure map as a sign up bonus. The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy hot wax, and you get breastfeeding as a sign up bonus.
I got written up at work today for running to the bathroom and getting pulled into the water by a seal. There was a report. Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling a rip. The driver was getting pulled into the water by a seal. How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of significant achievements, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into getting pulled into the water by a seal. The rich aroma of getting pulled into the water by a seal, from the hills of Colombia. Getting pulled into the water by a seal has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing. Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a motorist, score points by getting pulled into the water by a seal, and hot grills shall not be on the field.
