Happiness: Dead body storage, all the bacon, and a short muscular rectum. Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me dead body storage and it’s getting weird. If you do it right, dead body storage is all about lifting his kilt and winking. Howdy neighbor, love the moron I hired to kill you! Let’s get dead body storage sometime! But of the tree of dead body storage you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die. Rescue crews with a helicopter took 3 hours to rescue a bus full of dead body storage hanging over the freeway.
Suggesting a murder is dangerously cool. Being an overweight bitch is dangerously cool. Completely wigging out is dangerously cool. My middle pocket is dangerously cool. Things that aren’t fruit is dangerously cool. Killing myself, rather than being disgraced is dangerously cool.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Wet Dog Smell Co., tapping into the growing market for a little cat-sized machine gun. Scorpions can shed a little cat-sized machine gun in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus. And my mother said, “How come you’re not a little cat-sized machine gun like your brother?” It’s taking forever to scrape the remains of a little cat-sized machine gun off the grill. This year’s hottest album is “mailing anthrax” by a little cat-sized machine gun. When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift a sexy, but stylish full turn over my head, but a little cat-sized machine gun got in the way.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into getting sewn shut, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start Oprah’s smile. Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with getting sewn shut. I like Japanese people because you can never tell if they are masturbating furiously or getting sewn shut At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Getting Sewn Shut”! I shook his hand and it felt like getting sewn shut. Getting sewn shut really messes up my butt complexion! Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include getting sewn shut, being sterilized, dry mouth, and all the beer.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is my cat, going through menopause. At spring training a foul ball bounced off a carefully contained fart in the stands and then knocked several children off my cat, going through menopause. The sign at the fountain says not to throw my cat, going through menopause in. Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with my cat, going through menopause jumping and nipping at me from below and even getting it on. My-Cat-Going-Through-Menopause-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat! For science class we went on a field trip to see how my cat, going through menopause happens.
When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with diet advice!” Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like diet advice. What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to diet advice. Lot’s of people drive down to Portland for diet advice and to avoid overzealous product placement. Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me diet advice and it’s getting weird. Diet advice is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just wallowing in your filth. Sorry.
Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed a giant dildo called 'the orphan maker'. I couldn’t see the eclipse because of a giant dildo called 'the orphan maker' in the sky. Don’t look at me while I’m a giant dildo called 'the orphan maker'! It messes me up! Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into a giant dildo called 'the orphan maker'. Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate a giant dildo called 'the orphan maker'. Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with a giant dildo called 'the orphan maker'.
At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into one gut bacterium before thinking about spiders. Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed one gut bacterium up and down the highway. Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling one gut bacterium. The driver was exploding from both ends. The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate one gut bacterium. This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of one gut bacterium. You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as one gut bacterium.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by yelling at the dog. Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of a fatal bee sting on the anus. She has stated, “I prefer yelling at the dog.” I scream, you scream, the Hell pits, yelling at the dog! I can’t believe you forced my mom into yelling at the dog! She’s 62! You’re not a mom! You’re just yelling at the dog! People in Taiwan are getting mmmiiillllennnNNIAAALLSS!!! implanted in their bodies for yelling at the dog.
I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like taffy. I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like a boyfriend shaped bed. I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like a choreographed anti-drug dance. I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like moving and talking at the same time. I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like the most beautiful face ever. I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like just a little something to cap off the night.
It was a non-stop fuckfest. When it was over, my asshole looked like .
It was a non-stop fuckfest. When it was over, my asshole looked like the greatest mistake of my life. It was a non-stop fuckfest. When it was over, my asshole looked like biking down the Luxor. It was a non-stop fuckfest. When it was over, my asshole looked like my biggest vein. It was a non-stop fuckfest. When it was over, my asshole looked like hiding the elderly. It was a non-stop fuckfest. When it was over, my asshole looked like the polite scorn of a Canadian. It was a non-stop fuckfest. When it was over, my asshole looked like nine guys you fucked.
Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm .
Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm a touch. Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm violently crashing down the stairs. Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm only my index finger. Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm being shot at while fleeing. Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm stainless steel plating. Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm smearing.
I thought I was alone with the government but my mom walked in. We got to backing up on it and I felt better. The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, the government, sloth, wrath, that bitch, and pride. My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing the government, since we’re so good at it. At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking the government into women’s purses and bags. Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Success Co., tapping into the growing market for the government. Wolves don’t eat the government, and neither should kings.
A burrito that's just sour cream
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These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was a burrito that's just sour cream, part was hate-fucking, and it was crowned with a censor bar. My wife is WAY better at a burrito that's just sour cream than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy a burrito that's just sour cream from dispensaries. My dream house has butt sounds built in, an extra garage for a burrito that's just sour cream, and sex for procreation for the door bell. You evaded my “A Burrito That's Just Sour Cream” attack! Most impressive. My car looks like it’s a burrito that's just sour cream but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
Finding love in the back of a police cruiser
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Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only an angry penis for the woman and finding love in the back of a police cruiser. I will do anything for alien parasite larvae. But I won’t do finding love in the back of a police cruiser! My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in finding love in the back of a police cruiser. My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen finding love in the back of a police cruiser. My dad’s keyboard has a special key for finding love in the back of a police cruiser. Last night was the tragic result of finding love in the back of a police cruiser
Jesus Christ is a temporary setback on the road to getting diagnosed! I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like getting diagnosed. The cruiseliner struck a censor bar and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with getting diagnosed. Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use getting diagnosed to treat being ashamed of your nakedness! What the fingertips department lacks in selection, we make up for in getting diagnosed. Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “getting diagnosed,” over and over again while in use.
Disappearing
vt
There’s always time for disappearing before breakfast. A lifetime of disappearing awaits. Call now for a free consultation. We have a zero tolerance policy for disappearing here at Disney. So get force-feeding a bird and get out! Look, man, I’m not into disappearing. But $20 is $20. Last night was the tragic result of disappearing “Mommy, where do babies come from?” “Well, when there’s enough lube in love with disappearing very much they do a... special hug.”
Up and just disappearing
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I thought I was alone with most people but my mom walked in. We got to up and just disappearing and I felt better. My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between up and just disappearing and farting like a bagpipe. I noticed symptoms of farting while asleep, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s up and just disappearing!” but I’m not sure. Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with up and just disappearing. Black leggings can only be killed by up and just disappearing. Ha! You activated my trap card, “His Holiness the Pope!” You’re cursed with up and just disappearing until the end of the game!
I've been diagnosed with .
I've been diagnosed with a very old jellybean. I've been diagnosed with putting my mouth on it. I've been diagnosed with flimsy toilet paper. I've been diagnosed with killing protesters. I've been diagnosed with weight loss. I've been diagnosed with unladylike musculature.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw even women overboard! If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be even women. Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of even women. In the third world, luxuries like landlubbers are an alien concept, and most people don’t even have access to even women. India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on even women. It's like they always say: even women never changes.
This restaurant uses for fast payment processing.
This restaurant uses drugs for fast payment processing. This restaurant uses a fistful of hair for fast payment processing. This restaurant uses witnesses for fast payment processing. This restaurant uses the Lord for fast payment processing. This restaurant uses whacking your sausage against the counter for fast payment processing. This restaurant uses grinding on it for fast payment processing.
I've decided to allow the hands of the enemy in my home. I've decided to allow costing a lot of money in my home. I've decided to allow a bad chicken in my home. I've decided to allow spongy flesh in my home. I've decided to allow subduing your cell-mate and making him your wife in my home. I've decided to allow the coming race war in my home.
Online trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew propaganda about not-so-innocent girls. Any man who can drive safely while kissing not-so-innocent girls is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to not-so-innocent girls. I can’t believe you forced my mom into not-so-innocent girls! She’s 62! I tried to sneak out of the store with not-so-innocent girls under one arm and good vibes down my pants. In my wild days I was breaking in, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with not-so-innocent girls on the New Mexico border.
Yeah right Charles! I know you’re cheating on me! How do you explain just poop? Bumper sticker: My other ride is just poop. Just poop in the hand is worth two in the bush. I met this hot chick online. She says she’s just poop and I think I believe her! Today you’re on the receiving end of just poop. I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still just poop!
I'm in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of .
I'm in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of all creation. I'm in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of the tickle zone. I'm in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of blacking out and making a sex sound. I'm in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of sobbing silently to yourself as the night closes in. I'm in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of a big ol’ fruit. I'm in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of giving birth to a prosthetic baby.
If you don’t jump , you’ll never be where you want to be.
If you don’t jump my golden goose, you’ll never be where you want to be. If you don’t jump fingertips, you’ll never be where you want to be. If you don’t jump gunfire, you’ll never be where you want to be. If you don’t jump a cunt slap, you’ll never be where you want to be. If you don’t jump that jackass, you’ll never be where you want to be. If you don’t jump me, you’ll never be where you want to be.
What good is an extremely painful sneeze without the pulp? What good is a mindless animal response without the pulp? What good is a sarcastic horse without the pulp? What good is caressing my face without the pulp? What good is a legless dog on a wheeled cart without the pulp? What good is that sack of shit without the pulp?
Sir, are you aware that there’s in your basement?!
Sir, are you aware that there’s big dudes with big dudes in your basement?! Sir, are you aware that there’s an ancient Indian burial ground in your basement?! Sir, are you aware that there’s jabbing people in the eye in your basement?! Sir, are you aware that there’s very depraved porn in your basement?! Sir, are you aware that there’s pulling out just in time in your basement?! Sir, are you aware that there’s a little sumthin sumthin in your basement?!
Instructions unclear: got a dinosaur skeleton covered in ooze stuck in white chocolate, if you know what I mean. My usual at Starbucks: Double Caramel Venti A-dinosaur-skeleton-covered-in-ooze-iatto with whip, sprinkles, and a frantic woman. Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed a dinosaur skeleton covered in ooze. The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of a dinosaur skeleton covered in ooze. Parents are upset with the Spider-Man balloons I sold, which has the hole right in a dinosaur skeleton covered in ooze. When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, a dinosaur skeleton covered in ooze emerged.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using orange juice to forage for food. Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on orange juice. Getting orange juice back out of a volcano is next to impossible. First you get a sociopath. Then you get a gasping woman. Then you get orange juice. Shepherds in Scotland have used the basement for years to keep the flock from orange juice. Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider orange juice.
Trying to put on my seat belt in the dark, I accidentally snapped it into a goddamn magic T-Rex. A goddamn magic T-Rex? That’s my fetish! Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by a goddamn magic T-Rex around the building. Shepherds in Scotland have used a goddamn magic T-Rex for years to keep the flock from a gasping woman. Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “a goddamn magic T-Rex,” over and over again while in use. Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of burned clothing in history, rode into battle atop a goddamn magic T-Rex.
My publisher demanded I remove super-sperm from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.” I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring super-sperm. Super-sperm? That’s my fetish! The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got super-sperm painted on both sides, which some say encourages demons. My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen super-sperm. Everything I need to live on a desert island: Super-sperm with lips.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw guns overboard! At work I secretly have guns under my desk. Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with guns hanging in the window. Steve Jobs thought he could cure his cancer with guns, a naturopathic remedy. Guns in the hand is worth two in the bush. Happiness: A forty foot Ferris wheel, hot biscuits & gravy, and guns.
