IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from gaining altitude, and the eco-glass windows trap in all our faces. At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Gaining Altitude”! I shook his hand and it felt like gaining altitude. I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is gaining altitude. I make butt gas for my cat by gaining altitude with my biggest vein. Oreo loves it! J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of gaining altitude. Let a uniquely British problem host your next party, providing gaining altitude like you’ve never experienced before.
Britney's new slogan: It's a crudely-drawn dick, bitch. Britney's new slogan: It's 60 seconds, bitch. Britney's new slogan: It's organic porpoise semen, bitch. Britney's new slogan: It's demons, bitch. Britney's new slogan: It's a wish-granting goblin, bitch. Britney's new slogan: It's the deceased, bitch.
I tried to shazam the sound of . It came up: Bohemian Rhapsody.
I tried to shazam the sound of breast meat. It came up: Bohemian Rhapsody. I tried to shazam the sound of a hollow shell. It came up: Bohemian Rhapsody. I tried to shazam the sound of divorce papers. It came up: Bohemian Rhapsody. I tried to shazam the sound of Pakistani cosmonauts. It came up: Bohemian Rhapsody. I tried to shazam the sound of intestines draped everywhere. It came up: Bohemian Rhapsody. I tried to shazam the sound of a great big sword. It came up: Bohemian Rhapsody.
It’s huge. It’s wet. It’s sprawled out in the parking lot. It’s the antichrist. Are you there God? It’s me, the antichrist. Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on the antichrist. My car looks like it’s the antichrist but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B. The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of the antichrist. How embarrassing! I forget I left the antichrist in the foyer.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how being left out in the cold happens. The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, being left out in the cold, sloth, wrath, getting kidnapped in an uber, and pride. Ich bin ein being left out in the cold. Vote for me and I’ll stop being left out in the cold, get rid of goat porn, and give everyone bourbon and ball-gags for free. I went rafting, saw being left out in the cold in the river, no big deal. Yeah right Charles! I know you’re cheating on me! How do you explain being left out in the cold?
Not listening
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In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found not listening sticking to the wall. I got so drunk last night that I got not listening all over everyone and everything. I ordered a sex-addicted panda privately over the Internet so I can get better at not listening. The dog ate Jigglypuff! so we’re waiting for not listening. 4 out of 5 doctors recommend not listening. When you two are done not listening, can we please get sweat and dead skin and get out of here?!
Hot lava
nc
In the bathroom at the mall I accidentally dropped hot lava in the toilet and touched $10 on the wall. I would have never thought that I’d actually be a friend while I’m hot lava! This workplace has gone (0) days without hot lava. You stole my vaginal microbiome from a child? You’re hot lava and you’re going to hell! SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate hot lava to prepare for a mission to mars. In Arizona, because of the heat, they hand out hot lava for free on every corner.
They used to call me "sizzling lard" back in High School. They used to call me "a fistful of glitter" back in High School. They used to call me "a robustly satisfying fart" back in High School. They used to call me "a thick, luscious banana slug" back in High School. They used to call me "a cold hearted assassin" back in High School. They used to call me "not a single lion" back in High School.
If I had a very hot pan, you’d be tiny French music! At the Pirates of the Caribbean ride they replaced tiny French music with trapped stairs that fold into a ramp. Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to tiny French music, even before I put on my clothes. Taking care of a cat is easy: Leave out a festively decorated corpse each day, put tiny French music in the corner and let kitty fend for herself. There’s always time for tiny French music before breakfast. How high do you have to be to put a kiss on the lips on tiny French music?
Dude! Her dress was so sheer I could see Johnny Depp comically falling down! No thanks. My doctor said Johnny Depp comically falling down makes defecation painful. You can’t keep running around like Johnny Depp comically falling down, you’re endangering trapped stairs that fold into a ramp! Today you’re on the receiving end of Johnny Depp comically falling down. I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by Johnny Depp comically falling down. The hottest new cryptocurrency is “Johnny-Depp-comically-falling-down-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving human body warmth.
I wanted to get revenge on my neighbor, so I crushed {s}.
I wanted to get revenge on my neighbor, so I crushed the roof. I wanted to get revenge on my neighbor, so I crushed a pubic tuft. I wanted to get revenge on my neighbor, so I crushed The Super Buttsex Arena. I wanted to get revenge on my neighbor, so I crushed my baby door. I wanted to get revenge on my neighbor, so I crushed the things I’m hiding in my basement. I wanted to get revenge on my neighbor, so I crushed a guilty little boy.
I think this neighbor crushing one needs more development.
When I quit my job I crushed {s} and made my boss and co-workers watch.
When I quit my job I crushed original white, straight Barbie and made my boss and co-workers watch. When I quit my job I crushed the reason this happened and made my boss and co-workers watch. When I quit my job I crushed a cat in a paper bag and made my boss and co-workers watch. When I quit my job I crushed a stiff upper lip and made my boss and co-workers watch. When I quit my job I crushed a squealing 4-year-old and made my boss and co-workers watch. When I quit my job I crushed the song of my people and made my boss and co-workers watch.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “going permanently blind.” Men, like a uniquely British problem, go farthest when they are going permanently blind. This year’s hottest album is “Being Dipped in Chocolate” by Going Permanently Blind. A good description of sex, suitable for children: Going permanently blind; danglin’ out there all pink and naked; a massive, hissing centipede. Our artisanal process ages us black folk for 3 years, before going right into going permanently blind, rapidly shooting a rabbit with an arrow. Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with going permanently blind.
10 minutes till dad gets home, and {n} just exploded in the living room.
10 minutes till dad gets home, and a death sentence just exploded in the living room. 10 minutes till dad gets home, and a way rude hunger just exploded in the living room. 10 minutes till dad gets home, and Teddy Roosevelt’s giant fossilized face just exploded in the living room. 10 minutes till dad gets home, and my butt surgery just exploded in the living room. 10 minutes till dad gets home, and a Hitler moustache just exploded in the living room. 10 minutes till dad gets home, and dark magic just exploded in the living room.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Hiding the elderly, your greasy food hole and the dog. Music without the sounds of the dog is hardly music at all. Two best friends and a winking hole take a road trip, and discover the dog along the way. In a world with a vagina-simulating sleevehandling my mother, one man must overcome the dog. Coming this summer. Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate the dog. The fire department came around and complained that we had too many sex toy directions plugged into the dog.
We had just gotten the panicking crowd back in their seats when {n} came crashing through the window and {c} flew everywhere.
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We had just gotten the panicking crowd back in their seats when my out of control libido came crashing through the window and electric sex flew everywhere. We had just gotten the panicking crowd back in their seats when big dudes with big dudes came crashing through the window and kevlar underwear flew everywhere. We had just gotten the panicking crowd back in their seats when eels came crashing through the window and very expensive gelato flew everywhere. We had just gotten the panicking crowd back in their seats when a sex swing came crashing through the window and nudity flew everywhere. We had just gotten the panicking crowd back in their seats when hot biscuits & gravy came crashing through the window and mutual discomfort flew everywhere. We had just gotten the panicking crowd back in their seats when bourbon and ball-gags came crashing through the window and skin slack flew everywhere.
The only thing standing in your way is giving or receiving a hickey. In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually giving or receiving a hickey. For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, giving or receiving a hickey every single day. After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was giving or receiving a hickey. This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of giving or receiving a hickey. The 2020 Olympics will feature a new sport: synchronized giving or receiving a hickey.
