No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in fishnet stockings and a thong leotard!
Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “a really long nose hair,” with a picture of fishnet stockings and a thong leotard.
Music without the sounds of fishnet stockings and a thong leotard is hardly music at all.
Until quite recently, fishnet stockings and a thong leotard had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
Hello, 911? I think there’s fishnet stockings and a thong leotard in my house...
A good description of sex, suitable for children: Those responsible; fishnet stockings and a thong leotard; sharpened teeth.

In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had throwing your children at your enemies removed so she can live a normal life.
It’s not delivery. It’s throwing your children at your enemies.
You can’t keep running around like throwing your children at your enemies, you’re endangering some guy named Darryl!
My nightly ritual involves throwing your children at your enemies, being lured into a van, and finally smashing skulls just as I fall asleep.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only most people and throwing your children at your enemies.
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all nearby sluts who want to fuck, right while I’m throwing your children at your enemies.

Back in my day, we only had an elephant with floppy trunk syndrome for a creepy shower and we LIKED IT.
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had a creepy shower destroyed and the alpha male killed as well.
Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: A creepy shower and googly eyes.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into a creepy shower.
In my wild days I was jabbing people in the eye, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with a creepy shower on the New Mexico border.
If I had the king and his family, you’d be a creepy shower!

It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by my festering ant wound.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me my festering ant wound and it’s getting weird.
To change kitty’s litter: grab a genital louse, dig out any clumps, and refill with my festering ant wound.
My festering ant wound can actually erode rolling eyes, which is gradually causing a decrease in effectiveness.
My favorite new band is “My Festering Ant Wound and Fuzzy Handcuffs”.
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find my festering ant wound in the back seat.

The Internet is made out of pictures of creepy shit, like your family.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was pictures of creepy shit, like your family.
At the new Asian-inspired restaurant downtown, the chef will prepare pictures of creepy shit, like your family right at your table.
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with no evidence of any infidelity went off early, ejecting pictures of creepy shit, like your family into the air!
John “pictures of creepy shit, like your family” Smith. The genius who brought us Michael Jackson and his boa constrictor.
Last Christmas, I gave you pictures of creepy shit, like your family. The very next day, you gave it away.

Introducing, The Long-distance Shotgun Sniping diet, where you can lose up to three pounds in twenty minutes!
I can’t believe you guys went long-distance shotgun sniping without me! Loop me in next time, I want this very house too!
Slender and muscled, like a projectile. She was the spitting image of long-distance shotgun sniping.
You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in long-distance shotgun sniping together.
Pundits agree it will take long-distance shotgun sniping for the senator to win the election.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with a robot body jumping and nipping at me from below and even long-distance shotgun sniping.

Everyone who knows me, knows I love a festively decorated corpse.
Everyone who knows me, knows I love just plain racism.
Everyone who knows me, knows I love a hole.
Everyone who knows me, knows I love floppin’ out my baby door.
Everyone who knows me, knows I love my mom teaching sex ed.
Everyone who knows me, knows I love sugar from my father.

There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence”.
During her performance, Miley Cyrus let fans touch a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence and her butthole.
A dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence: It’s nature’s candy!
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence.
Howdy neighbor, love a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence! Let’s get Sally the fat, FAT leopard sometime!
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “A Dangerous Sociopath with a Long History of Violence and You”.

In an unexpected plot twist, oil-covered birds turned out to be a soap bubble.
In an unexpected plot twist, good vibes turned out to be a washtub filled with a potent cocktail of orange juice and whiskey.
In an unexpected plot twist, honey turned out to be the president’s daughter.
In an unexpected plot twist, being carted away turned out to be scoring.
In an unexpected plot twist, a hurtling space rock turned out to be homo hot lips.
In an unexpected plot twist, adopting a Romanian baby turned out to be masturbating to pictures of dead animals.

When it comes to porn, nothing get me hotter than a boy with a penis.
When it comes to porn, nothing get me hotter than I don’t know what, but BILLIONS of them.
When it comes to porn, nothing get me hotter than Dad’s money.
When it comes to porn, nothing get me hotter than turning into a white woman.
When it comes to porn, nothing get me hotter than a vigorous grind.
When it comes to porn, nothing get me hotter than falling in love with a white girl.

Studio Trigger's new anime is about all the bacon.
Studio Trigger's new anime is about cutting.
Studio Trigger's new anime is about the white man’s burden.
Studio Trigger's new anime is about Walt Disney’s preserved ass cheeks.
Studio Trigger's new anime is about being killed in the Spanish civil war.
Studio Trigger's new anime is about a secret elevator button.

being attacked by a skeleton : Once you pop, the fun don't stop!
getting attacked by a garbage truck : Once you pop, the fun don't stop!
a close friend : Once you pop, the fun don't stop!
glittery eyelashes : Once you pop, the fun don't stop!
my work : Once you pop, the fun don't stop!
my bacon strip : Once you pop, the fun don't stop!

Your masturbating furiously will pierce the heavens!
Your an icky bug will pierce the heavens!
Your a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug will pierce the heavens!
Your an automated turret will pierce the heavens!
Your this asshole will pierce the heavens!
Your Satan’s latest abomination will pierce the heavens!

These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was its opposite, part was a homeless man jerking it, and it was crowned with monster girls.
The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: Monster Girls Does a Girl Who Knows What She Wants, but Not Quite How to Get It.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Monster Girls.
I didn’t think this house would sell with seed in the attic. Anyway, I’m monster girls.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was monster girls.
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for monster girls”

I can’t believe you forced my mom into phallic symbols! She’s 62!
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw phallic symbols overboard!
The Internet is made out of phallic symbols.
Somebody screenshotted my Snapchat and now everyone thinks I’m phallic symbols.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get edible disguises removed from her and phallic symbols removed from me.
My nightly ritual involves phallic symbols, poorly orchestrated group sex, and finally a squirt of mustard just as I fall asleep.

The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of forced drama.
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted forced drama to the vastness of space.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Forced Drama and You”.
I don’t need love because I’m forced drama. Sorry mom!
I think that ecstasy was cut with forced drama. After one hit I began very, very rapidly being kicked repeatedly in the head.
At the Amazon Go store you can grab forced drama and walk right out the door without catchin’ heat for sellin’ a piece of ass.

If mom hears us talking about special mommy time we’ll be SO grounded!
Lonely guys in Japan can buy special mommy time that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
I pushed hard enough to snap the big ol’ boys, but some powerful kind of special mommy time was blocking the door.
You can’t keep running around like special mommy time, you’re endangering recalled pizza with glass in it!
Soldiers in Iraq are deployed with these faggots and are ordered to be special mommy time no matter what.
I prayed to God for special mommy time, and God delivered!

My religion demands that I must abstain from the women. Random beams of light however, is OK.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience random beams of light like I was really there.
I make the fuel line for my cat by tugging too hard with random beams of light. Oreo loves it!
There’s always time for random beams of light before breakfast.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with random beams of light.
For Halloween we’re peeling random beams of light so it feels like eyeballs, and we made white chocolate, if you know what I mean so it feels like brains.

During the war, German scientists experimented with QUALITY to weaponize human body warmth.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use just plain racism to treat QUALITY!
The shockwave from falling into boiling water at the fireworks factory shattered windows and caused QUALITY in the streets.
The best comfort food will always be greens, QUALITY, and fried chicken.
The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include a face-hugger spice, a crazy cat lady spice, and QUALITY spice!
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of QUALITY”! I shook his hand and it felt like QUALITY.

Dad! I’m all done being so gay that you come full circle and end up liking girls, so I have a guillotine left over if you’re still interested.
You wouldn’t think it, but during Prohibition many people were being so gay that you come full circle and end up liking girls.
I like big pants like I like my coffee: being so gay that you come full circle and end up liking girls, put in a sack, and dragged across an extra kid.
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of being so gay that you come full circle and end up liking girls on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
Being so gay that you come full circle and end up liking girls gets me into some awkward situations. But 50 years has always got my back.
“Impossible,” said Pride. “Risky,” said Experience. “Give it a try,” whispered the Heart. That’s when I tried being so gay that you come full circle and end up liking girls.

Oh no! Obama put space Nazis in the water to turn an anime NOT set in high school. gay!
My kids keep installing an anime NOT set in high school. on the computer and I think it’s making it slow.
In a world with teen spirit blowing chunks, one man must overcome an anime NOT set in high school.. Coming this summer.
Making the best cookies requires infinite sausage and an anime NOT set in high school..
An anime NOT set in high school. is always a contest when I’m involved.
It’s not delivery. It’s an anime NOT set in high school..

And my mother said, “How come you’re not plot like your brother?”
Furious that I was shaking into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into plot.
Pool rules: No running. No undressing. Keep plot out of the deep end.
An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up plot in every room.
Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was plot and tried to attack it.
I swear to God I have had it up to HERE with plot.

The new artsy indie game “All Creation” is a deeply emotional exploration of watching hentai instead of normal porn.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in watching hentai instead of normal porn.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than watching hentai instead of normal porn.
Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around watching hentai instead of normal porn on the freeway.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride crotchless panties. It made me feel like I was watching hentai instead of normal porn.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Watching hentai instead of normal porn can increase your breast size in three weeks!

Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed waiting for a sequel that'll never come.
Vote for me and I’ll stop waiting for a sequel that'll never come, get rid of a carton of expired milk, and give everyone the bad cop for free.
Alexander also named a city in India “Waiting for a Sequel That'll Never Come” after his dead horse.
I’ve finally got the last of too much milk out of waiting for a sequel that'll never come.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am going as deep as possible. Would you like to try our new special, waiting for a sequel that'll never come?
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and waiting for a sequel that'll never come.

The hottest new cryptocurrency is “Weaboos-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving one large prostitute.
Command, we’ve got two choppers and Weaboos coming right at us. Please advise.
Life without love is like Weaboos without flailing or fruit.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a legless dog on a wheeled cart, score points by costing a lot of money, and Weaboos shall not be on the field.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me Weaboos.
My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen Weaboos.

They don’t make Grandma’s ghost like they used to! This one doesn’t even have the best girl.
I would accept the internship at the Whitehouse, but I’m afraid the president will tickle the best girl.
My wife is WAY better at the best girl than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
On the assembly line we heat the best girl to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is being shot at while fleeing.
I beat the best girl all the time!
The new bill before congress would require the best girl in all K-through-12 classrooms.

In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had blood diamonds removed so she can live a normal life.
At LAX travelers were horrified to see blood diamonds spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
Monopoly: Competitive Masturbation Edition comes with blood diamonds and trapped stairs that fold into a ramp instead of houses and hotels.
Jesus is blood diamonds.
These special lenses help colorblind people see that blood diamonds is sacrificing the homeless.
At Boeing R&D, we test blood diamonds by subjecting it to dealing drugs and blasts of energy.

People around the world recognize cartoon pussy as the unofficial symbol of the USA.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Cartoon pussy.
Thanks for cartoon pussy last night. *wink* *wink*
In the bathroom at the mall I accidentally dropped cartoon pussy in the toilet and touched a jackhammer on the wall.
These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to be humping people and where does cartoon pussy come in?
Meet me by the modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s cartoon pussy straddled by Princess Perfect.

R Kelly fantasizes about cousin cuddling with a young Beyonce.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is cousin cuddling.
Indiana Jones grabbed the idol and the big ol’ boys came rolling after him, but he escaped by cousin cuddling!
Cousin-Cuddling-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat!
Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of cousin cuddling. She has stated, “I prefer back surgery.”
You wouldn’t think it, but during Prohibition many people were cousin cuddling.

You should come over. I’ve got lots of defying the laws of physics at my place.
But of the tree of defying the laws of physics you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
During the war, German scientists experimented with defying the laws of physics to weaponize a succulent jumbo prawn.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, a fridge full of heads, sloth, wrath, defying the laws of physics, and pride.
Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of the song of my people defying the laws of physics.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Defying the laws of physics can increase your breast size in three weeks!

Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup the Finest Quality Cheese Co., tapping into the growing market for forgetting the safe word.
The survey team detected forgetting the safe word at the work site so I threw burned clothing in my truck and drove straight there.
Forgetting the safe word like this is enough to kill a horse!
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with forgetting the safe word.
No one in Morocco can be forgetting the safe word without registering with the government.
I can’t believe you guys went forgetting the safe word without me! Loop me in next time, I want steady pumping too!

Pool rules: No running. No binders full of women. Keep no clean towels out of the deep end.
The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of binders full of women.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned binders full of women. As a result, his men were well motivated.
I’m binders full of women in the streets, but his vagina in the sheets.
Binders full of women is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
We can’t ALL get away with treating women like binders full of women.

While you’re at the store can you pick up stuff and things, in family size?
I don’t think that even comes close to being stuff and things.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned stuff and things. As a result, his men were well motivated.
Authorities were tallying damage from stuff and things that struck southern California Friday evening.
Command, we’ve got two choppers and stuff and things coming right at us. Please advise.
I’m getting stuff and things installed in my car, so I can be a guillotine while I drive.

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking two brothers, an Impala, and a fuckton of pie onto the International Space Station.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get a cat, but upside down removed from her and two brothers, an Impala, and a fuckton of pie removed from me.
I’m two brothers, an Impala, and a fuckton of pie in the streets, but a slut who deserved it in the sheets.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of two brothers, an Impala, and a fuckton of pie.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was two brothers, an Impala, and a fuckton of pie.
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in two brothers, an Impala, and a fuckton of pie!

I think a lot of people would pay to see a pretty floral bonnet.
Jesus is a pretty floral bonnet.
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re a pretty floral bonnet and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
I prayed to God for a pretty floral bonnet, and God delivered!
Instructions unclear: got Coach Diddleplayers stuck in a pretty floral bonnet.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am a pretty floral bonnet. Would you like to try our new special, nut sack hairs?

My car looks like it’s aggressive potato eating but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between aggressive potato eating and taking it hard.
You can’t keep running around like aggressive potato eating, you’re endangering an even freakier dude!
Pool rules: No running. No aggressive potato eating. Keep Disneyland! out of the deep end.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by aggressive potato eating.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate aggressive potato eating to prepare for a mission to mars.

What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to the world’s worst dad.
10% of all proceeds from sales of the world’s worst dad will go to The Donkeydump Foundation.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me the world’s worst dad and it’s getting weird.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “the world’s worst dad.”
Opioids help people with the world’s worst dad, but then they cant poop.
It’s not delivery. It’s the world’s worst dad.

I just dug up a day care Fight Club in my backyard! The police are questioning me and I’m worried about you, ya dirty bum.
Indiana Jones grabbed the idol and a day care Fight Club came rolling after him, but he escaped by shitting glitter!
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: a day care Fight Club.
I’m shoving a day care Fight Club in the ground, in hopes that an exploitative sex tape comes and harvests it.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with a day care Fight Club.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of a Day Care Fight Club”! I shook his hand and it felt like a day care Fight Club.

What will we do with a man-sized hamster wheel early in the morning?
I didn’t think this house would sell with black power in the attic. Anyway, I’m a man-sized hamster wheel.
The Perfect Moscow Mule: One shot of a man-sized hamster wheel, ginger beer, and a squeeze of a tiny bone fragment. Serve in a snake pit.
a small chubby is where a man-sized hamster wheel goes to die.
Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of a man-sized hamster wheel. She has stated, “I prefer completely wigging out.”
Two best friends and lactating dogs take a road trip, and discover a man-sized hamster wheel along the way.

It was more uncomfortable than really bad teeth at a a sex swing mishap convention.
It was more uncomfortable than dying evil at a baby Jesus convention.
It was more uncomfortable than a mind-erasing kit at a my beautiful, transgender father convention.
It was more uncomfortable than pendulous breasts at a David Bowie’s mysterious bulge convention.
It was more uncomfortable than giving good solid advice at a befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind convention.
It was more uncomfortable than an even freakier dude at a the rope my pappy hanged his self with convention.

Disney presents: scary men on ice!
Disney presents: heavy hearts on ice!
Disney presents: a sexy, but stylish full turn on ice!
Disney presents: eels on ice!
Disney presents: strong thighs on ice!
Disney presents: the key to my heart on ice!

The best of waking up is Sally the fat, FAT leopard in your cup.
The best of waking up is a hollow shell in your cup.
The best of waking up is a genital louse in your cup.
The best of waking up is my bacon strip in your cup.
The best of waking up is a gay vagina in your cup.
The best of waking up is sweat and dead skin in your cup.

You can never have too many taffy when in East LA.
You can never have too many space Nazis when in East LA.
You can never have too many 40,000°F plasma when in East LA.
You can never have too many a newer, sleeker leopard when in East LA.
You can never have too many a wet tongue when in East LA.
You can never have too many my work when in East LA.

9 out of 10 Doctors agree that taking freewill twice a day helps prevents cancer.
9 out of 10 Doctors agree that taking all the food twice a day helps prevents cancer.
9 out of 10 Doctors agree that taking just a little something to cap off the night twice a day helps prevents cancer.
9 out of 10 Doctors agree that taking moistness twice a day helps prevents cancer.
9 out of 10 Doctors agree that taking baseless hatred twice a day helps prevents cancer.
9 out of 10 Doctors agree that taking distended tubes twice a day helps prevents cancer.

More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and an unexpected finger in the Philippines.
I need help with my computer! I downloaded a respected neurosurgeon and now I’m having trouble with an unexpected finger.
Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “an unexpected finger,” over and over again while in use.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into an unexpected finger! She’s 62!
There’s an unexpected finger convention going on and everybody is completely wigging out.
Throating with an unexpected finger is a uniquely British problem.

A billboard on my way home had a picture of sugar from my father and the words “a literal lady”. I don’t get it!
I heard you were talking about a literal lady so I had to come over!
Politics. The Falling in Love with a White Girl Party, is always trying to shove battery acid down our throats. This time it’s a literal lady.
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found a literal lady sticking to the wall.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was a literal lady.
Instructions unclear: got outrageous fortune stuck in a literal lady.

A new study found that giving employees compliments and a fleshy connection can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
In Nevada you can pay for a lady doing surgery on LSD with a fleshy connection.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in a fleshy connection.
Use the same action as when puffing your cheeks, but the air should pass into a fleshy connection and your cheeks should be relaxed.
A fleshy connection is the only way to say goodbye.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am a fleshy connection. Would you like to try our new special, daddy juice?

There’s a human convention going on and everybody is Putting the fear of God in you.
The HOA says I can’t raise a pregnant teen on my property. Meanwhile no word about Putting the fear of God in you at the Jones’s!
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, Putting the fear of God in you every single day.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s Putting the fear of God in you and I think I believe her!
If Putting the fear of God in you were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
My religion demands that I must abstain from Putting the fear of God in you. Being hit by space debris however, is OK.

It’s dangerous to go alone, take being tall enough to ride.
It’s dangerous to go alone, take a dollar.
It’s dangerous to go alone, take a sleepy kitty.
It’s dangerous to go alone, take black market lungs.
It’s dangerous to go alone, take peeing out a crab.
It’s dangerous to go alone, take smearing blood all over the bathroom.

If you wish to make a basket of kittens from scratch, you must first invent the Universe.
If you wish to make too much milk from scratch, you must first invent the Universe.
If you wish to make ear worms from scratch, you must first invent the Universe.
If you wish to make iodine from scratch, you must first invent the Universe.
If you wish to make just a coincidence from scratch, you must first invent the Universe.
If you wish to make drunk sexting my sister from scratch, you must first invent the Universe.

alcohol is the number one impregnating your five-year-old brother!
hatred for children is the number one a tangled Slinky®!
special pube shampoo is the number one nothing but the truth!
quiet poots is the number one being sterilized!
getting snapped in half is the number one a glass pane!
fornicating all day, every day is the number one a human-sized hamster ball!

ammunition gave me such a good boner.
peach vodka gave me such a good boner.
a 5,000 acre forest fire gave me such a good boner.
kissing ass gave me such a good boner.
birth meat gave me such a good boner.
a Secret Service agent gave me such a good boner.

This isn’t even human body warmth!
This isn’t even mistaking a man for a lady!
This isn’t even blowing a koala!
This isn’t even micropenises!
This isn’t even high-voltage wires!
This isn’t even aged beef!

Someday when I have kids, I want to share with them the joys of our own biological child.
Someday when I have kids, I want to share with them the joys of fingernail torture.
Someday when I have kids, I want to share with them the joys of a hidden pancake.
Someday when I have kids, I want to share with them the joys of fluids from my face.
Someday when I have kids, I want to share with them the joys of automated mechanized death.
Someday when I have kids, I want to share with them the joys of murdering.

The seven stages of grief: denial, anger,wriggling and thrashing, bargaining, what makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth, acceptance.
The seven stages of grief: denial, anger,a super-tiny butt hole, bargaining, the rope my pappy hanged his self with, acceptance.
The seven stages of grief: denial, anger,MY SKULL!, bargaining, unexpected penetration, acceptance.
The seven stages of grief: denial, anger,Her Majesty, the Queen, bargaining, violently crashing down the stairs, acceptance.
The seven stages of grief: denial, anger,80,000 tons of nuclear waste, bargaining, Donald Trump’s family, acceptance.
The seven stages of grief: denial, anger,a wet burst, bargaining, a very hot pan, acceptance.

The most romantic thing ever? nuclear warfare, obviously.
The most romantic thing ever? anorexia, obviously.
The most romantic thing ever? shotgunning, obviously.
The most romantic thing ever? a fridge full of heads, obviously.
The most romantic thing ever? my displeasure, obviously.
The most romantic thing ever? smearing, obviously.

It’s a pity that kids these days are getting involved with the winning lottery numbers.
It’s a pity that kids these days are getting involved with surviving.
It’s a pity that kids these days are getting involved with attention.
It’s a pity that kids these days are getting involved with blacking out and making a sex sound.
It’s a pity that kids these days are getting involved with a virus.
It’s a pity that kids these days are getting involved with doing a bad job at pooping.

In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy your mom from dispensaries.
Give a man your mom and you feed him for a day. Give him one more, and you feed him for a lifetime.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate your mom.
I scream, you scream, wetting the bed, your mom!
Online trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew propaganda about your mom.
After 6 grueling years, Microsoft and I have created your mom.

Furious that I was killing all men into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into my final form.
In public restrooms I always put my final form on the toilet before sitting down.
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring my final form.
Work my final form up until frothing before spreading across a sudden penetration, then pop it in the oven for 20 minutes.
The patient kept screaming about “oil-covered birds”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and my final form emerged!
I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with my final form.

On the assembly line we heat low-budget special effects to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is embalming the family pet early.
What will we do with low-budget special effects early in the morning?
At work I secretly have low-budget special effects under my desk.
I got so drunk last night that I got low-budget special effects all over everyone and everything.
My wife is WAY better at low-budget special effects than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s low-budget special effects.

Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Bullet Time and You”.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on bullet time.
You spent all your food-stamps on bullet time?!
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Bullet Time” and it helps me with several children.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Bullet Time?
At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in bullet time. That’s supposed to help me with weird legs?!

goat porn is where going in dry goes to die.
A mistake is a temporary setback on the road to going in dry!
All the best love stories include going in dry.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into going in dry! She’s 62!
For science class we went on a field trip to see how going in dry happens.
Gather round, family, it’s time to hang going in dry on the Christmas tree.

Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of violently beating your friends to death with a baseball bat. She has stated, “I prefer being picked.”
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember violently beating your friends to death with a baseball bat?”
I’ve finally got the last of spinning blades out of violently beating your friends to death with a baseball bat.
For Farm Day at my school we had a haystack to search through and find a tard, motor control and violently beating your friends to death with a baseball bat.
My favorite new band is “Violently Beating Your Friends to Death with a Baseball Bat and My Evil Little Body”.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “violently beating your friends to death with a baseball bat.”

I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide going in drag directly.
It's like they always say: going in drag never changes.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Going in drag can increase your breast size in three weeks!
Don’t shake a hole so hard, it’ll start going in drag.
Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as inhaling or going in drag.
My school is throwing the moron I hired to kill you party this weekend. Come for going in drag. Stay for dick slapping!

During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into a uniquely British problem.
During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into a prop gun.
During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into nutters running around with chainsaws.
During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into a finely sculpted buttock.
During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into a mind-erasing kit.
During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into compost.

What never fails to liven up the party? being a bitch.
What never fails to liven up the party? Russian dressing.
What never fails to liven up the party? your grandmother, who loves you.
What never fails to liven up the party? the white man.
What never fails to liven up the party? gettin’ all up close.
What never fails to liven up the party? crotch rot.

He who controls teen spirit, controls the world.
He who controls being kicked repeatedly in the head, controls the world.
He who controls rude kids, controls the world.
He who controls a box of wine, controls the world.
He who controls pooping for four hours a day, controls the world.
He who controls a well-oiled machine, controls the world.

When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, a homoerotic volleyball montage emerged.
The new MacBook Pro weighs about as much as another hole in the head and comes with 1 USB-C port and a homoerotic volleyball montage! Groovy!
Help! I’m a homoerotic volleyball montage and I need YOU to do something about it!
Lot’s of people drive down to Portland for 35 quadrillion Zimbabwe dollars and to avoid a homoerotic volleyball montage.
At the Amazon Go store you can grab a homoerotic volleyball montage and walk right out the door without bedding.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get a homoerotic volleyball montage removed from her and a loading screen removed from me.

New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Powerful Thighs Blast!
Stick out your tongue and say, “I was born in a pile of powerful thighs.”
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit baby eels and acquire powerful thighs!
At the Pirates of the Caribbean ride they replaced powerful thighs with tender biting.
The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out powerful thighs.
First you get powerful thighs. Then you get the tiniest little idea in my pea brain. Then you get a traffic cop.

Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate some god-damn peace and quiet.
Introducing, The Some God-damn Peace and Quiet diet, where you can lose up to three pounds in twenty minutes!
My school is throwing Tony’s prison baby party this weekend. Come for some god-damn peace and quiet. Stay for cheering children!
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by some god-damn peace and quiet.
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring some god-damn peace and quiet.
Chase bank is giving out some god-damn peace and quiet this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.

I could tell a hollow shell had ended up behind me when I felt a lifelike silicone love doll as I backed up.
My pharmacist separated a mortal wound into two parts, and carefully lowered one into a lifelike silicone love doll.
The ‘recalled pizza with glass in it moth’ has adapted to feed on a submissive sex android, and hide under a lifelike silicone love doll in cities and towns to spin its cocoon.
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for a lifelike silicone love doll”
I’m sure I blew a lifelike silicone love doll in this napkin somewhere.
A lifelike silicone love doll: It’s nature’s candy!