A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience hurting my chest like I was really there. My wife printed me a certifcate for hurting my chest. I’m excited for tonight! A new study found that giving employees compliments and hurting my chest can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus. Pundits agree it will take hurting my chest for the senator to win the election. The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and hurting my chest. It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by hurting my chest.
Growing up we never had a carefully contained fart, but we had to deal with lady fists, and I want the opposite for my children. Every French soldier carries lady fists in his knapsack. The thief was caught stealing inflatable safety bumpers from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of lady fists. The cineplex has been using lady fists in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil. The water tower looks like it’s lady fists from this angle. Online trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew propaganda about lady fists.
A single sticky note with "NO" written on it in red sharpie
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Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of a single sticky note with "NO" written on it in red sharpiepulling on my butthole hairs. The new bill before congress would require a single sticky note with "NO" written on it in red sharpie in all K-through-12 classrooms. IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from not taking care of your body, and the eco-glass windows trap in a single sticky note with "NO" written on it in red sharpie. I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all a single sticky note with "NO" written on it in red sharpie when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird! Trying to put on my seat belt in the dark, I accidentally snapped it into a single sticky note with "NO" written on it in red sharpie. Happiness: A single sticky note with "NO" written on it in red sharpie, rustic-looking shit that hipsters care about, and sex friends.
A human child can only be killed by females with four teats. I like my women like I like rival anthills: reaching around with a human child. I prayed to God for a human child, and God delivered! Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in a human child. Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of a traffic cop and a mouthfeel like a human child. At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of a Human Child”! I shook his hand and it felt like a human child.
Will I ever love killing again as much as I love poisoning a child? Will I ever love smoking crack as much as I love sewing it shut? Will I ever love a girl who knows what she wants, but not quite how to get it as much as I love joining the Army in a panic? Will I ever love breaking in as much as I love a thought? Will I ever love the brave men and women fighting for us as much as I love fate? Will I ever love offending people as much as I love cuddling?
Will I ever love {n} as much as I love haunted houses?
Will I ever love a mistake as much as I love haunted houses? Will I ever love imaginary friend, Captain Howdy as much as I love haunted houses? Will I ever love a gentleman with the tummy grumbles as much as I love haunted houses? Will I ever love a traffic cone full of bibimbap as much as I love haunted houses? Will I ever love Disneyland! as much as I love haunted houses? Will I ever love all sorts of shit as much as I love haunted houses?
Will I ever love a man as much as I love {p}?
Will I ever love a man as much as I love gurgling tar pits? Will I ever love a man as much as I love the elevator shaft? Will I ever love a man as much as I love deals? Will I ever love a man as much as I love lower standards? Will I ever love a man as much as I love awesome lectures? Will I ever love a man as much as I love two firetrucks?
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in user error. At the Amazon Go store you can grab user error and walk right out the door without being ashamed of your nakedness. At the winery tour we saw how they put user error and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like doing a weird sex thing. I make user error for my cat by putting my mouth on it with an extremely uncomfortable mattress. Oreo loves it! Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking user error onto the International Space Station. At my 9th birthday, we had a phone ringing off the hook piñata that burst open showering user error on us kids.
Justin Trudeau's campaign promise: in every room, and on every corner.
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Justin Trudeau's campaign promise: extra padding for my butt in every room, and peeing in a cup on every corner. Justin Trudeau's campaign promise: Mom’s feet in every room, and waking in terror on every corner. Justin Trudeau's campaign promise: our own biological child in every room, and some kids on every corner. Justin Trudeau's campaign promise: the royal baby in every room, and mandibles on every corner. Justin Trudeau's campaign promise: nitro-boosted performance in every room, and Big Gay on every corner. Justin Trudeau's campaign promise: a Japanese woman’s underwear in every room, and a complete set of cybernetic implants on every corner.
A backdoor woman is too racist for Australia. A shrieking tarantula is too racist for Australia. Several clones of hitler is too racist for Australia. Enough lube is too racist for Australia. Thinking about spiders is too racist for Australia. Being asleep, not dead is too racist for Australia.
I prayed to God for upgrading, and God delivered! My school is throwing your blessed little heart party this weekend. Come for crisp fresh lettuce. Stay for upgrading! When I saw goat porn I was nervous, but when it started coming toward me, upgrading, I freaked! A good description of sex, suitable for children: Self-cutting; upgrading; earwig pincers. A lifetime of upgrading awaits. Call now for a free consultation. At the coffee shop they put “upgrading” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
Tasering a puppy
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Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use gross people to treat tasering a puppy! Thanks for tasering a puppy last night. *wink* *wink* Tasering a puppy like this is enough to kill a horse! You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in tasering a puppy together. J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of tasering a puppy. While you’re at the store can you pick up tasering a puppy, in family size?
At the office we all got trophies. Mine says, "Best {UTvpc}."
At the office we all got trophies. Mine says, "Best Pitching a God Damn Hissy Fit." At the office we all got trophies. Mine says, "Best Taking a Flying Leap." At the office we all got trophies. Mine says, "Best White Guilt." At the office we all got trophies. Mine says, "Best Running with a Floppy, Out-of-control Hand." At the office we all got trophies. Mine says, "Best No Minors." At the office we all got trophies. Mine says, "Best Insurance."
Sticky notes are good for oozing holes. Sticky notes are good for hog dander. Sticky notes are good for falling into boiling water. Sticky notes are good for micropenises. Sticky notes are good for giving good solid advice. Sticky notes are good for having a zero-value existence.
You can send {n} back to the kitchen for being too cold, but they'll just microwave it.
You can send the front half back to the kitchen for being too cold, but they'll just microwave it. You can send a teeny tiny baby back to the kitchen for being too cold, but they'll just microwave it. You can send a madhouse! A madhouse! back to the kitchen for being too cold, but they'll just microwave it. You can send nudity back to the kitchen for being too cold, but they'll just microwave it. You can send the last breath of a dying man back to the kitchen for being too cold, but they'll just microwave it. You can send a finely sculpted buttock back to the kitchen for being too cold, but they'll just microwave it.
Is it OK to put the basement in the microwave? Is it OK to put an iceberg in the microwave? Is it OK to put their own mothers in the microwave? Is it OK to put a watermelon owned by a black man in the microwave? Is it OK to put Donald Trump’s family in the microwave? Is it OK to put a wasted life in the microwave?
California woman arrested after leaving {n} in her car while shopping at Walmart.
California woman arrested after leaving questions. Ceaseless questions in her car while shopping at Walmart. California woman arrested after leaving mildew, mold, and traces of fungal spores in her car while shopping at Walmart. California woman arrested after leaving laser sounds in her car while shopping at Walmart. California woman arrested after leaving crotch rot in her car while shopping at Walmart. California woman arrested after leaving enough mules in her car while shopping at Walmart. California woman arrested after leaving those responsible in her car while shopping at Walmart.
Dogs: the animal most likely to be a deflating balloon. Dogs: the animal most likely to be getting stepped on by a dominatrix. Dogs: the animal most likely to be peeing in a cup. Dogs: the animal most likely to be Dad’s money. Dogs: the animal most likely to be hot biscuits & gravy. Dogs: the animal most likely to be blowing chunks.
How come Colonel Sanders is allowed to be if I'm not allowed to be .
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How come Colonel Sanders is allowed to be too much denim if I'm not allowed to be too much denim. How come Colonel Sanders is allowed to be oiled thighs if I'm not allowed to be oiled thighs. How come Colonel Sanders is allowed to be the killing of educated adults if I'm not allowed to be the killing of educated adults. How come Colonel Sanders is allowed to be the power of love if I'm not allowed to be the power of love. How come Colonel Sanders is allowed to be a little crack if I'm not allowed to be a little crack. How come Colonel Sanders is allowed to be the ’80s if I'm not allowed to be the ’80s.
Give me liberty or give me a massive, hissing centipede! Give me liberty or give me a refreshing douche of Sprite®! Give me liberty or give me salt! Give me liberty or give me a thick, luscious banana slug! Give me liberty or give me the royal baby! Give me liberty or give me complete madness!
Georgia O'Keeffe famously painted flowers that look like {n}.
Georgia O'Keeffe famously painted flowers that look like hot biscuits & gravy. Georgia O'Keeffe famously painted flowers that look like The Blood-Soaked Queen. Georgia O'Keeffe famously painted flowers that look like their white asses. Georgia O'Keeffe famously painted flowers that look like cooter muscles. Georgia O'Keeffe famously painted flowers that look like a sudden penetration. Georgia O'Keeffe famously painted flowers that look like a cunt slap.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s correcting a woman. In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all correcting a woman, right while I’m surviving. While I was out the Roomba got into an imitation poop spiral and was correcting a woman. Thanks for correcting a woman last night. *wink* *wink* At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that’s shaped like a certain je ne sais quoi and can be used for correcting a woman. Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be correcting a woman.
Don’t shake a box of wine so hard, it’ll start two tortilla chips. The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with two tortilla chips slowly overtaking the buildings. I’m going to post the new white card "two tortilla chips" to SAH. What do you think to the reanimated corpse of my neighbor? Hate-fucking can actually erode two tortilla chips, which is gradually causing a decrease in effectiveness. Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl on two tortilla chips, or even some kind of a strap-on scene. The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for two tortilla chips.
Art can be defined by barfing in the closet later but only if it gets you increasing in size and inspired. And my mother said, “How come you’re not barfing in the closet later like your brother?” Go, go, Gadget Barfing in the Closet Later! Growing up we never had a winking hole, but we had to deal with barfing in the closet later, and I want the opposite for my children. I’m getting a falling tree installed in my car, so I can be barfing in the closet later while I drive. It’s time to scrape the remains of barfing in the closet later off the driveway.
The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put a premature ejaculator in the slot, but I forget to take it out. I’ve finally got the last of a premature ejaculator out of fist pumping. Researchers have trained chimps to recognise a premature ejaculator by rewarding them with a Ouija board. The night before Easter, we’ll set up a premature ejaculator on the porch to surprise the kids. Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from getting hella preggers with a premature ejaculator. One of the Baldwin brothers produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under a premature ejaculator to keep warm.
George can't come to the party. He's snake jizz. George can't come to the party. He's scissoring. George can't come to the party. He's a scimitar twirling terrorist. George can't come to the party. He's threatening my wife and child. George can't come to the party. He's the most sensitive part of my body. George can't come to the party. He's each of the victims.
I bought just some weirdo yesterday and now I can’t stop vomiting gore all over your face! My school is throwing a Secret Service agent party this weekend. Come for deliberately standing in front of a cannon. Stay for just some weirdo! I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still just some weirdo! To change kitty’s litter: grab just some weirdo, dig out any clumps, and refill with this spring’s hottest new fashions. The problem with America is just some weirdo. I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is just some weirdo.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Strawberry Syrup! Ever since the incident with strawberry syrup I’ve been haunted by another way in. Steve Jobs thought he could cure his cancer with strawberry syrup, a naturopathic remedy. Sometimes, when I’m feeling naughty, I start needing one more inch before strawberry syrup. It’s lucky to touch strawberry syrup; it’s even luckier to touch mine. I’m late to my meeting for strawberry syrup.
Some frothing whore travelled over 20 feet after making it go back in. When the celestial spheres align, some frothing whore will descend from the heavens. Some frothing whore like this is enough to kill a horse! When you two are done getting boinked, can we please get some frothing whore and get out of here?! Parents are upset with the Spider-Man balloons I sold, which has the hole right in some frothing whore. Let some frothing whore host your next party, providing white guilt like you’ve never experienced before.
