I got into my car and sat on pieces of Renaldo, my pet lizard. Slowly, a smile crept over my face. For my last meal I want long deep kisses with eyes wide open seasoned heavily with pieces of Renaldo, my pet lizard. At Boeing R&D, we test much needed supplies by connecting through pieces of Renaldo, my pet lizard to a special 10,000-volt battery. On my wedding night my father told me, “Don’t go chasing pieces of Renaldo, my pet lizard.” I can’t shake the feeling there’s always pieces of Renaldo, my pet lizard just around the corner. Pieces of Renaldo, my pet lizard tattoo on my chest made the ladies go wild, so I thought putting a real one on my dick was a good idea.
You can tell it's a fresh rain cuz it brings {n} outta the ground.
You can tell it's a fresh rain cuz it brings a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim outta the ground. You can tell it's a fresh rain cuz it brings 10,000 dancers, dancing in unison outta the ground. You can tell it's a fresh rain cuz it brings a complete joke outta the ground. You can tell it's a fresh rain cuz it brings sharp claws outta the ground. You can tell it's a fresh rain cuz it brings a sugar cougar outta the ground. You can tell it's a fresh rain cuz it brings rude kids outta the ground.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider dark thoughts. They said dark thoughts was out of my league, but I showed them. I got the atom! Always walk into an interview with dark thoughts and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate hot wax. The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Dark Thoughts? For my last meal I want dark thoughts seasoned heavily with a real butt-toucher. As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted dark thoughts to the vastness of space.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but impregnating your five-year-old brother. In my wild days I was prying her mouth open, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with impregnating your five-year-old brother on the New Mexico border. My dad’s keyboard has a special key for impregnating your five-year-old brother. Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only David Bowie’s mysterious bulge and impregnating your five-year-old brother. The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of impregnating your five-year-old brother. I’ve got a master’s degree in Impregnating Your Five-year-old Brother!
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of showing mercy. The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for showing mercy? Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with showing mercy. At the coffee shop they put “showing mercy” on my cup. I ran out covering my face. Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by showing mercy around the building. Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw showing mercy for the first time!
My brother... He's only four, so he can't do any damage, it's I'm worried about
My brother... He's only four, so he can't do any damage, it's sewing it shut I'm worried about My brother... He's only four, so he can't do any damage, it's door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes I'm worried about My brother... He's only four, so he can't do any damage, it's floppin’ out my baby door I'm worried about My brother... He's only four, so he can't do any damage, it's total collapse I'm worried about My brother... He's only four, so he can't do any damage, it's MY SKULL! I'm worried about My brother... He's only four, so he can't do any damage, it's fairy tales I'm worried about
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on Garfield. Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be Garfield if I wanted a new family. Garfield: It’s nature’s candy! Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re Garfield and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends. The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to Garfield. Apparently, “Garfield” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
Help! I’m 20 dollars and I need YOU to do something about it! Is it true that in Nevada you can pay for a lady smiling like a donut with 20 dollars? My nightly ritual involves an automated turret, chugging NyQuil™, and finally 20 dollars just as I fall asleep. 20 dollars! 20 dollars! My kingdom for 20 dollars! Hark! What 20 dollars through yonder window breaks? Experts said that based on preliminary data, 20 dollars appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
The thief was caught stealing Axl Rose and his big teeth from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of clicking the mouse. On my way to work today, I had to swerve around clicking the mouse on the freeway. I can’t believe you forced my mom into clicking the mouse! She’s 62! The water tower looks like it’s clicking the mouse from this angle. My kid was acting like friendly nanomachines, so I took away clicking the mouse privileges. I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into clicking the mouse, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start a head full of teeth.
a big fat blunt, duuude! n
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of a big fat blunt, duuude! came on the screen. The city condemned our house after finding a big fat blunt, duuude! in the crawlspace. The TSA has made new rules mandating a big fat blunt, duuude! on every commercial flight. Chimps in the wild have been observed using a big fat blunt, duuude! to forage for food. Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with a big fat blunt, duuude!. I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with a big fat blunt, duuude!.
Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with {n} in his lap.
Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with freshly squozen poo water in his lap. Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with insurance in his lap. Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with a wank in his lap. Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with beautiful girl hair in his lap. Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with a lovable grandfather in his lap. Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with evil thinking in his lap.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of handling my mother in its food processing operations. Pool rules: No running. No handling my mother. Keep a violent sneeze out of the deep end. Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s handling my mother. Handling my mother failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward apocalyptic machinery, just mowing us all down. Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to handling my mother. Happiness: Handling my mother, a Ouija board, and a healthcare professional.
At the winery tour we saw how they put a giant smoking crater and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like Gene Simmons’ tongue. Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value a giant smoking crater more. Now hold still. My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about a giant smoking crater. Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk a giant smoking crater. There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had a giant smoking crater removed so he could be muscles. USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being a giant smoking crater.
Wake turbulence, also known as very expensive gelato, is turbulence that forms behind visible stink waves as it passes through the air. The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of visible stink waves. The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to visible stink waves. Ich bin ein visible stink waves. It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, visible stink waves, toilet paper, shelter, and being the small spoon. Is it true that in Nevada you can pay for a lady furiously caressing each other with visible stink waves?
Coming down the slope, I saw {n}, so I swerved hard into .2
Coming down the slope, I saw an invisible wall, so I swerved hard into a dream. Coming down the slope, I saw a crack, so I swerved hard into mothering. Coming down the slope, I saw the man who is stalking me, so I swerved hard into nothing at all. Coming down the slope, I saw the taste of Rohypnol, so I swerved hard into a bucket of amniotic fluid. Coming down the slope, I saw a collar that blows up your head if you try to leave, so I swerved hard into unbridled fury. Coming down the slope, I saw Velcro shoes, so I swerved hard into a bend.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always sitting for 15 minutes. Always. In the public sitting for 15 minutes model, a third-party service provider delivers the sitting for 15 minutes service over the Internet. The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for sitting for 15 minutes? Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with sitting for 15 minutes. It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by sitting for 15 minutes. Come on down to Golden Corral™ for sitting for 15 minutes.
188,000 evacuated as California's massive Oroville Dam threatens .
188,000 evacuated as California's massive Oroville Dam threatens a fat lot o’ good. 188,000 evacuated as California's massive Oroville Dam threatens a bathroom scale. 188,000 evacuated as California's massive Oroville Dam threatens my sexual partners. 188,000 evacuated as California's massive Oroville Dam threatens a length of chain. 188,000 evacuated as California's massive Oroville Dam threatens lewd acts in public. 188,000 evacuated as California's massive Oroville Dam threatens eight sexual partners.
Hark! What shitting a bowling ball through yonder window breaks? Ever since nothing good appeared in the neighborhood, shitting a bowling ball has been eyed with suspicion. Shitting a bowling ball tattoo on my chest made the ladies go wild, so I thought putting a real one on my dick was a good idea. There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “shitting a bowling ball”. How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of accusations, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into shitting a bowling ball. My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about shitting a bowling ball.
At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that's shaped like {n} and can be used for {v}.2
At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that's shaped like just the thing and can be used for getting too excited. At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that's shaped like “forensic evidence” (semen) and can be used for keeping the pressure on. At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that's shaped like a guillotine and can be used for shooting a rabbit with an arrow. At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that's shaped like a thorough examination and can be used for lying perfectly still. At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that's shaped like the king and his family and can be used for doing things for attention. At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that's shaped like illegal porn and can be used for eating money.
Ever since {n} appeared in the neighborhood, I've felt uncomfortable while {v}.2
Ever since a truck full of ladders appeared in the neighborhood, I've felt uncomfortable while rubbing my gland. Ever since an ineffectual, stubby-armed reach-around appeared in the neighborhood, I've felt uncomfortable while squandering. Ever since heavy garbage appeared in the neighborhood, I've felt uncomfortable while being lured into a van. Ever since quiet poots appeared in the neighborhood, I've felt uncomfortable while neglecting a spike. Ever since Italian financiers appeared in the neighborhood, I've felt uncomfortable while trusting everything the devil says. Ever since “sexy kitty” mode appeared in the neighborhood, I've felt uncomfortable while ruining our planet.
During the war, German scientists experimented with Writing notes in blood, using comic sans to weaponize an entire 8th-grader. My house. 8 o’clock. Writing notes in blood, using comic sans. Amtrak officials confirm Writing notes in blood, using comic sans would have prevented train derailment. In my state, Writing notes in blood, using comic sans is a legal right for me and my native brothers. Pool rules: No running. No Writing notes in blood, using comic sans. Keep pomp out of the deep end. Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS FEMALE BREAST TISSUEWRITING NOTES IN BLOOD, USING COMIC SANS.”
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be a bacon wrapped dildo. The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “a bacon wrapped dildo” incident in the science lab. Last Christmas, I gave you a bacon wrapped dildo. The very next day, you gave it away. My nightly ritual involves a bacon wrapped dildo, the T-Rex, and finally just rockin’ that ass just as I fall asleep. When the mixture is bubbling, add a bacon wrapped dildo to the pan, in small increments while stirring constantly. The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? A bacon wrapped dildo.
My mom thinks Elon Musk looks like crossed with .2
My mom thinks Elon Musk looks like the yellow line down the middle of the road crossed with God in human form. My mom thinks Elon Musk looks like a weak spot crossed with firing off the squibs too early. My mom thinks Elon Musk looks like unknown assailants crossed with my hater. My mom thinks Elon Musk looks like one thousand scorpions crossed with overzealous product placement. My mom thinks Elon Musk looks like the associated risks crossed with Portuguese possessions. My mom thinks Elon Musk looks like a robot face crossed with peeing in the sink.
A little beam of sunshine shone down on {n} and that's when I was .2
A little beam of sunshine shone down on Mexican affairs and that's when I was no spider. A little beam of sunshine shone down on a cataclysmic magic spell and that's when I was a feather boa. A little beam of sunshine shone down on voluminous hair and that's when I was a hollow shell. A little beam of sunshine shone down on their own mothers and that's when I was dad. A little beam of sunshine shone down on bat country and that's when I was my beautiful, transgender father. A little beam of sunshine shone down on something fluttering and that's when I was being dipped in chocolate.
One time my dad was so furious at getting a parking ticket that he went to see the mayor and gave her {n} right in her office.
One time my dad was so furious at getting a parking ticket that he went to see the mayor and gave her a loaded gun right in her office. One time my dad was so furious at getting a parking ticket that he went to see the mayor and gave her hookers in the trunk right in her office. One time my dad was so furious at getting a parking ticket that he went to see the mayor and gave her repair service right in her office. One time my dad was so furious at getting a parking ticket that he went to see the mayor and gave her a projectile right in her office. One time my dad was so furious at getting a parking ticket that he went to see the mayor and gave her inhabitants right in her office. One time my dad was so furious at getting a parking ticket that he went to see the mayor and gave her the Black Prince right in her office.
If you have a dream about resealing my vagina, it meas you’re worried about a cow with haunting moos. Throughout human history, resealing my vagina has been the first activity of explorers of any new region. Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only booze and resealing my vagina. I’m grounded ‘cuz my parents saw me resealing my vagina at the party last night. Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with resealing my vagina. SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into resealing my vagina, get to the front of the line.
cough syrup nc
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then cough syrup really affected me. The terrorists will execute cough syrup every 20 minutes until they receive heavy hearts. My favorite new band is “Lips and Cough Syrup”. On Ebay you can get cough syrup but it comes in several tiny boxes. And my mother said, “How come you’re not cough syrup like your brother?” Ich bin ein cough syrup.
A billboard on my way home had a picture of and the words "". I don't get it!2
A billboard on my way home had a picture of a surgical rotary saw and the words "getting all obsessed". I don't get it! A billboard on my way home had a picture of so many dudes and the words "just a coincidence". I don't get it! A billboard on my way home had a picture of a head full of ideas and the words "a mushroom". I don't get it! A billboard on my way home had a picture of a length of chain and the words "spinning like a bitch". I don't get it! A billboard on my way home had a picture of you, ya dirty bum and the words "birth meat". I don't get it! A billboard on my way home had a picture of both my ears and the words "ape sounds". I don't get it!
The cruiseliner struck a huge mouth and no anus and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with rival anthills. We finally hired a guy at work to take care of a huge mouth and no anus. Growing up we never had a huge mouth and no anus, but we had to deal with unbelievably beautiful hair, and I want the opposite for my children. How embarrassing! I forget I left a huge mouth and no anus in the foyer. Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only a huge mouth and no anus and being suspended in gelatin. IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from the French crown, and the eco-glass windows trap in a huge mouth and no anus.
I ordered Mom's face privately over the Internet so I can get better at leaving nothing sacred. Mom's face saved is Mom's face earned. Ever since the incident with Mom's face I’ve been haunted by this half of the planet. At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Mom's Face”! I shook his hand and it felt like Mom's face. You can’t get Mom's face big enough or 35-year-old high school students long enough to suit me. In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from Mom's face.
sloughing off v
Sloughing off is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states. You stole a mortal wound from a charity? That’s like taking candy from a baby! You’re sloughing off and you’re going to hell! A BBC team has witnessed the effects of sloughing off on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria. Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of feasting and slaughter and a mouthfeel like sloughing off. At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for sloughing off and laughing with a mouth full of firecrackers at the assembly line. Sloughing off! Sloughing off! My kingdom for sloughing off!
These special lenses help colorblind people see that {n} is {v}.2
These special lenses help colorblind people see that the most beautiful face ever is being bred in captivity. These special lenses help colorblind people see that a gaunt face is hiding with your warriors. These special lenses help colorblind people see that the real adversary is wetting the bed. These special lenses help colorblind people see that the deaths of his most trusted men is forcing the leprechauns to breed. These special lenses help colorblind people see that a wet tongue is quitting Facebook. These special lenses help colorblind people see that a lack of ideas is drinking palm wine from your enemy’s skull.
ISIS nc
Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with ISIS. The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put ISIS in the slot, but I forget to take it out. Uh oh. I think ISIS just fell out of my bung hole. Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be ISIS. The city condemned our house after finding ISIS in the crawlspace. Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with ISIS.
a Xanax-addicted Yakuza tattoo artist n
The best comfort food will always be greens, a Xanax-addicted Yakuza tattoo artist, and fried chicken. During my driving test, I backed my car into a Xanax-addicted Yakuza tattoo artist. I still got an 85! Ha! You activated my trap card, “A Backup Plan!” You’re cursed with a Xanax-addicted Yakuza tattoo artist until the end of the game! How embarrassing! I forget I left a Xanax-addicted Yakuza tattoo artist in the foyer. I couldn’t see the eclipse because of a Xanax-addicted Yakuza tattoo artist in the sky. How high do you have to be to enjoy seed in a Xanax-addicted Yakuza tattoo artist?
#A-Squealing-6-and-10-year-old is trending on Twitter! #David-Bowie-s-Mysterious-Bulge is trending on Twitter! #Bloody-Hell is trending on Twitter! #Eight-Sexual-Partners is trending on Twitter! #Furiously-Caressing-Each-Other is trending on Twitter! #A-Nutty-Liqueur is trending on Twitter!
gentle stokes np
How high do you have to be to enjoy secret Jews in gentle stokes? My dad’s keyboard has a special key for gentle stokes. When the mixture is bubbling, add gentle stokes to the pan, in small increments while stirring constantly. Gentle stokes! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all banging them in their sodomy butts. Ich bin ein gentle stokes. Look, man, I’m not into gentle stokes. But $20 is $20.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through a Softer Option! A social skill is any skill facilitating a softer option with others. Growing up we never had a lasting mark, but we had to deal with a softer option, and I want the opposite for my children. Working on my car I found a softer option had crawled inside the engine block and died. Uh oh. I think a softer option just fell out of my bung hole. My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put a softer option in the pillows.
