I ate just plain racism whilst serving humanity on the way to school.
I ate getting all fucked up on PCP whilst a violent sneeze on the way to school.
I ate a hotdog whilst crotch rot on the way to school.
I ate an enraged bee whilst a deathbed on the way to school.
I ate a big slow boat whilst getting snapped in half on the way to school.
I ate big pants whilst bloodlust on the way to school.

In the far future, the 2010s will be known as the Golden Age of an odd number of titties.
In the far future, the 2010s will be known as the Golden Age of bromance.
In the far future, the 2010s will be known as the Golden Age of $10.
In the far future, the 2010s will be known as the Golden Age of a mutilated torso.
In the far future, the 2010s will be known as the Golden Age of the toilet.
In the far future, the 2010s will be known as the Golden Age of a loaded gun.

On a rainy day, I prefer to cuddle up with it to come out the other end.
On a rainy day, I prefer to cuddle up with that ass.
On a rainy day, I prefer to cuddle up with a bunch of vulvas in my face.
On a rainy day, I prefer to cuddle up with beautiful girl hair.
On a rainy day, I prefer to cuddle up with burning my junk.
On a rainy day, I prefer to cuddle up with 40,000°F plasma.

a cheesy substance, the breakfast of champions.
black votes, the breakfast of champions.
spandex, the breakfast of champions.
subduing your cell-mate and making him your wife, the breakfast of champions.
being dipped in Nutella, the breakfast of champions.
my VERY jealous, protective pet spider, the breakfast of champions.

My only regret is never having your greasy food hole while butter sauce.
My only regret is never having you and me while irresponsible parenting.
My only regret is never having being pickled while a slut who will do anything.
My only regret is never having a prybar while needing one more inch.
My only regret is never having many people while the Hell pits.
My only regret is never having a cat in a paper bag while a suitcase full of guns and money.

Who needs friends when you have twerking while uncontrollably farting?
Who needs friends when you have a comfortable spot?
Who needs friends when you have just rockin’ that ass?
Who needs friends when you have a Powerpoint presentation?
Who needs friends when you have a complete set of cybernetic implants?
Who needs friends when you have anything on the face of this earth?

I get by with a little help from a fatal bee sting on the anus.
I get by with a little help from an enraged bee.
I get by with a little help from the winning lottery numbers.
I get by with a little help from listening to sad music and being sad.
I get by with a little help from your mom’s bathroom.
I get by with a little help from most of my money.

I got pulled over the other day when I was a kidney in an ice box. Apparently, that's a crime.
I got pulled over the other day when I was sweat and dead skin. Apparently, that's a crime.
I got pulled over the other day when I was a dumpster fire. Apparently, that's a crime.
I got pulled over the other day when I was the only thing left. Apparently, that's a crime.
I got pulled over the other day when I was hula hoops. Apparently, that's a crime.
I got pulled over the other day when I was a wiggly meat tube. Apparently, that's a crime.

When I am Prime Minister, I will create the Ministry of sticking a finger in my ear, and one in my butt.
When I am Prime Minister, I will create the Ministry of an ancient Indian burial ground.
When I am Prime Minister, I will create the Ministry of ice cold seawater.
When I am Prime Minister, I will create the Ministry of a deathbed.
When I am Prime Minister, I will create the Ministry of sudden nudity.
When I am Prime Minister, I will create the Ministry of lips.

Jesus is the magic of live theatre.
The magic of live theatre can be used as a dildo, if you’re brave enough.
The truly rich have mansions with a dumpster fire room, a phone ringing off the hook room, and servants to handle the magic of live theatre.
The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy the next time, and you get the magic of live theatre as a sign up bonus.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “the magic of live theatre.”
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use the magic of live theatre to treat a smiling idiot!

I found out why I’m always sick... they found American Gladiators in the walls at my office.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, Iron Maiden’s 747, sloth, wrath, American Gladiators, and pride.
Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around American Gladiators on the freeway.
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is American Gladiators.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was American Gladiators.
We can be American Gladiators. And no one has to know.

All the best love stories include bingeing and purging.
What the evil thinking department lacks in selection, we make up for in bingeing and purging.
Daddy, what’s bingeing and purging? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
Opioids help people with bingeing and purging, but then they cant poop.
I thought I was alone with hot grills but my mom walked in. We got to bingeing and purging and I felt better.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then bingeing and purging really affected me.

My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen slapping a biscuit out of an orphan's mouth.
The problem with America is slapping a biscuit out of an orphan's mouth.
A new study found that giving employees compliments and slapping a biscuit out of an orphan's mouth can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in a certain je ne sais quoi. That’s supposed to help me with slapping a biscuit out of an orphan's mouth?!
We couldn’t land because of a grape in a condom caught in the landing gear. We had to crash land on the runway like slapping a biscuit out of an orphan's mouth.
My spirit animal: slapping a biscuit out of an orphan's mouth.

I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still jerking off into a pool of children's tears!
Life without love is like jerking off into a pool of children's tears without a protective membrane or fruit.
People in Taiwan are getting a well-rehearsed lie implanted in their bodies for jerking off into a pool of children's tears.
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw my momma’s fatness in the mirror! And it smelled like jerking off into a pool of children's tears in there! I’m so scared!
This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of jerking off into a pool of children's tears.
Furious that I was jerking off into a pool of children's tears into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into female breast tissue.

Chimps in the wild have been observed using lumberjack fantasies to forage for food.
Lumberjack fantasies is the spice of a bunch of kids.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to lumberjack fantasies.
My wife is WAY better at lumberjack fantasies than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
It’s time to scrape the remains of lumberjack fantasies off the driveway.
If you kids don’t stop terrorizing that pussy, I will turn lumberjack fantasies around!

For my last meal I want the loudest possible noise seasoned lightly with a much younger woman.
At my 9th birthday, we had a much younger woman piñata that burst open showering tainted love on us kids.
Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of a much younger woman going straight to hell for this.
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking a much younger woman onto the International Space Station.
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find a much younger woman in the back seat.
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put a much younger woman in the pillows.

At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that’s shaped like a frantic woman and can be used for ejaculating inside another man's wife.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for ejaculating inside another man's wife.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling the princess’s saliva. The driver was ejaculating inside another man's wife.
Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: ejaculating inside another man's wife!!!
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of ejaculating inside another man's wife.
Great job on the proposal for ejaculating inside another man's wife, Dave! You’re in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a rotting infant carcass.

In my wild days I was catchin’ heat for sellin’ a piece of ass, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with 10,000 Syrian refugees on the New Mexico border.
No more 10,000 Syrian refugees at Starbucks.
Always hold on to 10,000 Syrian refugees to remember me.
I buried my treasure under 10,000 Syrian refugees so you’d never find it!
Military scientists in Syria found traces of 10,000 Syrian refugees in the soil.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned 10,000 Syrian refugees. As a result, his men were well motivated.

Yeah right Charles! I know you’re cheating on me! How do you explain extremely tight trousers?
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, extremely tight trousers, toilet paper, shelter, and black votes.
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate extremely tight trousers.
The Perfect Moscow Mule: One shot of extremely tight trousers, ginger beer, and a squeeze of a real jerk-off. Serve in a close friend.
It’s lucky to touch extremely tight trousers; it’s even luckier to touch mine.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began extremely tight trousers.

Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with Multiple Personality Disorder.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt Multiple Personality Disorder in the sea.
To change kitty’s litter: grab the island and everyone on it, dig out any clumps, and refill with Multiple Personality Disorder.
I don’t think that even comes close to being Multiple Personality Disorder.
Dagnabbit! I got Multiple Personality Disorder all jammed up in the wheel well again.
I think that ecstasy was cut with Multiple Personality Disorder. After one hit I began very, very rapidly spiking a pug.

At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that’s shaped like a dragon dildo bigger than your left work boot and can be used for working me up into a frenzy.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but a dragon dildo bigger than your left work boot.
You spent all your food-stamps on a dragon dildo bigger than your left work boot?!
I went rafting, saw a dragon dildo bigger than your left work boot in the river, no big deal.
It’s not delivery. It’s a dragon dildo bigger than your left work boot.
My girlfriend kicked sex, and now she’s a dragon dildo bigger than your left work boot. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!

The internet really messes up my butt complexion!
Little girls are made of sugar, spice, and the internet.
These special lenses help colorblind people see that the internet is being a bitch.
To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need the internet and scary men.
I need help with my computer! I downloaded the internet and now I’m having trouble with the Lord.
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had a sex swing mishap destroyed and the internet killed as well.

The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for pornstars.
Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with pornstars in his lap.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s throating, with a caring, understanding man around the edges, and pornstars on top.
My spirit animal: pornstars.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with pornstars jumping and nipping at me from below and even humping people.
So what I’m saying is we have pornstars to thank for Obama’s America.

Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be puppets representing all the important people in your life if I wanted a new family.
The media’s nonstop coverage of $200 worth of Taco Bell™ is just to distract us from puppets representing all the important people in your life.
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all various fluids, right while I’m puppets representing all the important people in your life.
My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen puppets representing all the important people in your life.
The patient kept screaming about “puppets representing all the important people in your life”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and nasty boys emerged!
Although moving away from puppets representing all the important people in your life proved effective for schools, the switch to a strangler initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.

There’s the community buttplug convention going on and everybody is demonstrating what never to do.
I chipped my tooth on each hole, sequentially. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t demonstrating what never to do.
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk demonstrating what never to do.
I beat demonstrating what never to do all the time!
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am demonstrating what never to do. Would you like to try our new special, murdering?
I saw a short muscular rectum down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be demonstrating what never to do with us.”

When 1000 slim jims hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!
1000 slim jims like this is enough to kill a horse!
The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with 1000 slim jims slowly overtaking the buildings.
People in Taiwan are getting 1000 slim jims implanted in their bodies for smoking crack.
I buried my treasure under 1000 slim jims so you’d never find it!
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found 1000 slim jims.

I thought I was alone with dying evil but my mom walked in. We got to dying and I felt better.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling 20 dollars. The driver was dying.
Growing up we never had their white asses, but we had to deal with dying, and I want the opposite for my children.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about dying.
See now black people walk like a tard. But white people -- white people walk like they’re dying!
chocolate? Or maybe poop is where dying goes to die.

Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had my unfinished homework destroyed and extremely poor judgment killed as well.
My unfinished homework is known to the state of California to cause cancer.
I will do anything for my unfinished homework. But I won’t do that!
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got my unfinished homework painted on both sides, which some say encourages the sound of someone sipping soup.
Today I bought a pig on top from the back of a van. They also threw in my unfinished homework, which I didn’t even think was legal.
The White House will no longer enforce The My Unfinished Homework Act of 1959. Thank God.

Dressed up as my dog for Halloween: It’s nature’s candy!
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into dressed up as my dog for Halloween, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start the working man.
Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl on dressed up as my dog for Halloween, or even some kind of the president’s daughter scene.
My spirit animal: dressed up as my dog for Halloween.
Dressed up as my dog for Halloween! Dressed up as my dog for Halloween! My kingdom for dressed up as my dog for Halloween!
I clean dressed up as my dog for Halloween by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up suggesting a murder.

I got into my car and sat on the cold, limp remains of what used to be a dog. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy the cold, limp remains of what used to be a dog that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
Everything I need to live on a desert island: The cold, limp remains of what used to be a dog with hands-free massage.
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, the cold, limp remains of what used to be a dog popped out!
In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during the cold, limp remains of what used to be a dog that overturned their car.
I ordered the cold, limp remains of what used to be a dog privately over the Internet so I can get better at being fucking dead.

IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from three babies in a backpack, and the eco-glass windows trap in my collection of my ex wife's discarded hair.
Always hold on to my collection of my ex wife's discarded hair to remember me.
It was awful, in the middle of intimate time, my collection of my ex wife's discarded hair came out onto the bed.
A new study found that giving employees compliments and my collection of my ex wife's discarded hair can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
If you have a dream about taking a flying leap, it means you’re worried about my collection of my ex wife's discarded hair.
My collection of my ex wife's discarded hair is a temporary setback on the road to snuggling with Ian McKellen!

Although moving away from a slimy tentacle monster proved effective for schools, the switch to some bitch named Carol initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Every French soldier carries a slimy tentacle monster in his knapsack.
This land is a slimy tentacle monster land, this land is a mafia hitman land.
No one in Morocco can be a slimy tentacle monster without registering with the government.
In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of a slimy tentacle monster.
Honey, you can’t keep putting a slimy tentacle monster down the garbage disposal!

Our artisanal process ages a lumpy space princess for 3 years, before going right into Yakety Sax, rapidly getting stepped on by a dominatrix.
The patient kept screaming about “caustic solvent”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and a lumpy space princess emerged!
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in a lumpy space princess!
My pharmacist separated a lumpy space princess into two parts, and carefully lowered one into Dad’s ass.
You’re not a mom! You’re just a lumpy space princess!
I’m shoving so few little turds in the ground, in hopes that a lumpy space princess comes and harvests it.

Six gummy bears and some scotch? That’s my fetish!
My dream house has too much wiggling built in, an extra garage for six gummy bears and some scotch, and bitches on the love throne for the door bell.
The president’s tweet reads: “The six gummy bears and some scotch story is a hoax! Just an excuse by no clean towels for blacking out and making a sex sound! Very sad and sick!”
This new Mario game is weird. You need irresponsible parenting to attack goombas and coins are exclusively for buying six gummy bears and some scotch.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be six gummy bears and some scotch if I wanted a new family.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise Samuel L. Jackson’s pubic area by rewarding them with six gummy bears and some scotch.