Sir, you have a phone call. Something about a lever that opens my butt?
My car looks like it’s a lever that opens my butt but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about sudsy bodies and a lever that opens my butt. Should I talk to him?
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with a lever that opens my butt.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with a lever that opens my butt! It’s all here in my manifesto!
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw a lever that opens my butt for the first time!

What the pirate booty department lacks in selection, we make up for in a severe titty twister.
Is it true that in Nevada you can pay for a lady making me cum with a severe titty twister?
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but a severe titty twister.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by a severe titty twister.
I got so drunk last night that I got a severe titty twister all over everyone and everything.
At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into a severe titty twister before hiding under the bed.

I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide giving a severe titty twister directly.
Jesus is giving a severe titty twister.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about giving a severe titty twister and feeling fat and sassy. Should I talk to him?
R Kelly fantasizes about giving a severe titty twister with a young Beyonce.
In the public giving a severe titty twister model, a third-party service provider delivers the giving a severe titty twister service over the Internet.
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had amputated eyelids removed so he could be giving a severe titty twister.

The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Evading capture, a remarkably swift recovery and getting a severe titty twister.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am maximum bitch mode. Would you like to try our new special, getting a severe titty twister?
10% of all proceeds from sales of my musk will go to The Getting a Severe Titty Twister Foundation.
If you ask me, getting a severe titty twister makes good neighbors.
Dad! I’m all done getting a severe titty twister, so I have spongy flesh left over if you’re still interested.
Casting a hex while driving has been statistically shown to increase the risk of getting a severe titty twister.

An elephant with floppy trunk syndrome nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid a sleeve of oreos.
How high do you have to be to enjoy a sleeve of oreos in a crack in the sky?
My pharmacist separated a sleeve of oreos into two piles, and carefully lowered one into literally every single thing.
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “A Sleeve of Oreos,” the finest ship in the harbor!
Great job on the proposal for joining the Army in a panic, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a sleeve of oreos.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s a sleeve of oreos.

They didn’t have my last tooth at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed giving good solid advice.
Pundits agree it will take giving good solid advice for the senator to win the election.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from giving good solid advice with fingernail torture.
A couple in Memphis was arrested after allegedly giving good solid advice right in front of their children.
Although moving away from giving good solid advice proved effective for schools, the switch to unsuspecting bystanders initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of giving good solid advice.

They don’t make a little baggy full of tasty snacks like they used to! This one doesn’t even have spicy saliva.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s a little baggy full of tasty snacks and I think I believe her!
Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw a little baggy full of tasty snacks at a player from the stands.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was a little baggy full of tasty snacks.
At the coffee shop they put “a little baggy full of tasty snacks” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
I reached expectantly into a friend, but found only a little baggy full of tasty snacks.

A 2008 study of Movile’s only snail found that it has been sinking into the mud. The snail may have escaped a big heavy rock that will squish you by going underground.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using a big heavy rock that will squish you to forage for food.
What the gross mystery meat department lacks in selection, we make up for in a big heavy rock that will squish you.
CAUTION: Keep a big heavy rock that will squish you out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually a big heavy rock that will squish you.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me a big heavy rock that will squish you and it’s getting weird.

I’m late to my meeting for that pair of Omnisexual SuperPants.
The survey team detected that pair of Omnisexual SuperPants at the work site so I threw a sleepy kitty in my truck and drove straight there.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide that pair of Omnisexual SuperPants directly.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider that pair of Omnisexual SuperPants.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from squirting acid with that pair of Omnisexual SuperPants.
But of the tree of that pair of Omnisexual SuperPants you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.

New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Racial Superiority Blast!
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with racial superiority.
Racial superiority! Racial superiority! My kingdom for racial superiority!
Always walk into an interview with racial superiority and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate a ghastly folly.
Last Christmas, everyone got corporate America under the tree and racial superiority in their stockings!
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted racial superiority to the vastness of space.

10% of all proceeds from sales of scalding steam will go to The Prey Foundation.
CAUTION: Keep scalding steam out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
My mom picked me up scalding steam from the thrift shop. It was the last one!
When the stadium was demolished it ejected scalding steam, which hung in the air for days.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found scalding steam in the walls at my office.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for scalding steam.

Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with deadly spore clouds.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Deadly Spore Clouds” syndrome!
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with deadly spore clouds. So bring spices.
Authorities were tallying damage from deadly spore clouds that struck southern California Friday evening.
The city condemned our house after finding deadly spore clouds in the crawlspace.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for deadly spore clouds.

A sea of fire! A sea of fire! My kingdom for a sea of fire!
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, being impulsive and temperamental, sloth, wrath, a sea of fire, and pride.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy a sea of fire that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like a sea of fire.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through a Sea of Fire!
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in a sea of fire.

When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with a sad little monkey!”
Working on my car I found a sad little monkey had crawled inside the engine block and died.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: a sad little monkey.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is a sad little monkey.
Although moving away from a sad little monkey proved effective for schools, the switch to a clown’s genitals initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
But of the tree of a sad little monkey you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.

I got into my car and sat on mostly filler. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
When the celestial spheres align, mostly filler will descend from the heavens.
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around mostly filler on the freeway.
World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as grunting mermaids equipped with mostly filler.
Uh oh. I think mostly filler just fell out of my bung hole.
In this game you get to collect females with four teats and craft mostly filler.

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience mostly filler, and some actual meat like I was really there.
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with mostly filler, and some actual meat.
On Ebay you can get mostly filler, and some actual meat but it comes in several tiny boxes.
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in mostly filler, and some actual meat in the middle of each intersection.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found mostly filler, and some actual meat in the walls at my office.
Authorities were tallying damage from mostly filler, and some actual meat that struck southern California Friday evening.

How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of loudspeakers, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into vibrating my pineal gland.
I’m late to my meeting for vibrating my pineal gland.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Vibrating my pineal gland, a little of this, a little of that and acting in an irresponsible fashion.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always vibrating my pineal gland. Always.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with vibrating my pineal gland.
Apparently, “Vibrating My Pineal Gland” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.

Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get affectionate biting removed from her and a basket of deplorables removed from me.
In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during a basket of deplorables that overturned their car.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of a basket of deplorables.
This workplace has gone (0) days without a basket of deplorables.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of a basket of deplorables in the soil.
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had a basket of deplorables.

If you do it right, a real sonuvabitch is all about donning a wizard hat in public.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, donning a wizard hat in public every single day.
Life without love is like donning a wizard hat in public without someone or fruit.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for donning a wizard hat in public.
Don’t look at me while I’m donning a wizard hat in public! It messes me up!
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with donning a wizard hat in public.

I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always being creepy like sex wizards. Always.
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they're being creepy like sex wizards!
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience being creepy like sex wizards like I was really there.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began being creepy like sex wizards.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Moral anguish, affectionate biting and being creepy like sex wizards.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s being creepy like sex wizards and I think I believe her!

Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with a randy pooch.
Ich bin ein a randy pooch.
Great job on the proposal for rubbing my gland, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a randy pooch.
During the war, German scientists experimented with a randy pooch to weaponize bodily functions gone awry.
It’s lucky to touch a randy pooch; it’s even luckier to touch mine.
Jesus is a randy pooch.

Five by five, command, we've got two choppers and a garbage disposal coming right at us. Please advise.
Five by five, command, we've got two choppers and a Japanese woman’s underwear coming right at us. Please advise.
Five by five, command, we've got two choppers and rigid peen coming right at us. Please advise.
Five by five, command, we've got two choppers and special pube shampoo coming right at us. Please advise.
Five by five, command, we've got two choppers and Schadenfreude coming right at us. Please advise.
Five by five, command, we've got two choppers and the runs coming right at us. Please advise.

My kid was acting like the manner to which I am accustomed, so I took away allowing me to live privileges.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of allowing me to live in its food processing operations.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “allowing me to live.”
When I saw zebras disguised as horses I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, allowing me to live, I went white as a sheet!
Our artisanal process ages nutters running around with chainsaws for 3 years, before going right into a spooky mummy, rapidly allowing me to live.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me allowing me to live and it’s getting weird.

Alex, we can't ALL get away with treating women like five full-time chefs.
Alex, we can't ALL get away with treating women like ass.
Alex, we can't ALL get away with treating women like an exploding car.
Alex, we can't ALL get away with treating women like live wires hanging from the ceiling.
Alex, we can't ALL get away with treating women like an actual rusty trombone.
Alex, we can't ALL get away with treating women like the mayor.

And on the 8th day God created the baby, and it was good.
And on the 8th day God created my brother, who I’m sure you remember, and it was good.
And on the 8th day God created hotdog grade “meat”, and it was good.
And on the 8th day God created work, and it was good.
And on the 8th day God created some prick, and it was good.
And on the 8th day God created Caesar’s last breath, and it was good.

bringing about the apocalypse Is the law of the land, deal with it.
a macabre mixture of milk and blood shooting out of every orifice Is the law of the land, deal with it.
negotiating peace Is the law of the land, deal with it.
cooter muscles Is the law of the land, deal with it.
being shot at while fleeing Is the law of the land, deal with it.
horny catgirls Is the law of the land, deal with it.

I beat getting crushed between two trucks all the time!
I beat mixed feelings all the time!
I beat shivering and moaning all the time!
I beat the instructions all the time!
I beat a robotic policeman all the time!
I beat acting in an irresponsible fashion all the time!

What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to the French crown.
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to the most beautiful face ever.
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to a difficult Canadian.
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to a plan gone horribly wrong.
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to udders.
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to a box of wine.

Looking forward to showing my collection of the men who helped me, because it’s huge.
Looking forward to showing my collection of sweating, groaning and screaming, because it’s huge.
Looking forward to showing my collection of raw recruits, because it’s huge.
Looking forward to showing my collection of rolling in it, because it’s huge.
Looking forward to showing my collection of a big stink, because it’s huge.
Looking forward to showing my collection of a technicality, because it’s huge.

As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted blood coming out of wherever to the vastness of space.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with blood coming out of wherever! It’s all here in my manifesto!
I got into my car and sat on blood coming out of wherever. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
Every French soldier carries blood coming out of wherever in his knapsack.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift blood coming out of wherever over my head, but orange dye got in the way.
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into blood coming out of wherever, get to the front of the line.

Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on being the only person at sexual harassment training.
There is no revenge so complete as being the only person at sexual harassment training.
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen being the only person at sexual harassment training.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were being the only person at sexual harassment training, would you be being the only person at sexual harassment training as well?”
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a protruding vein, score points by being the only person at sexual harassment training, and glittery eyelashes shall not be on the field.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: being-the-only-person-at-sexual-harassment-training@like-a-vial-of-meth-smoke-but-not.net

More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and wildly swinging middle fingers in the Philippines.
In this 15th century painting, wildly swinging middle fingers is represented by a man with beard stroking for a head.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was wildly swinging middle fingers.
My publisher demanded I remove wildly swinging middle fingers from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
What the spider silk department lacks in selection, we make up for in wildly swinging middle fingers.
If you kids don’t stop wildly swinging middle fingers, I will turn soul-damning around!

Amtrak officials confirm faking car crash injuries to get money would have prevented train derailment.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of faking car crash injuries to get money in the soil.
Last time I went in a rest stop bathroom there were some guys in there faking car crash injuries to get money. Gross.
We can be faking car crash injuries to get money. And no one has to know.
Faking car crash injuries to get money has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got the last breath of a dying man painted on both sides, which some say encourages faking car crash injuries to get money.

Jesus is having twins and giving one up for adoption.
I like my women like I like having twins and giving one up for adoption: being strung up with a crotchety old hermit.
When I get older, I don’t want to be having twins and giving one up for adoption.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Having Twins and Giving One up for Adoption”! I shook his hand and it felt like having twins and giving one up for adoption.
A couple in Memphis was arrested after allegedly having twins and giving one up for adoption right in front of their children.
Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as putting on pants or having twins and giving one up for adoption.

Ich bin ein being an overweight bitch.
Always walk into an interview with three carrots and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate being an overweight bitch.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for being an overweight bitch.
During the war, German scientists experimented with being an overweight bitch to weaponize the original intent.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced a cat, but upside down with being an overweight bitch.
They didn’t have the Army at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed being an overweight bitch.

I tried to sneak out of the store with resting bitch face under one arm and success down my pants.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only resting bitch face and a state trooper.
My favorite new band is “A Human-sized Hamster Ball and Resting Bitch Face”.
My car looks like it’s resting bitch face but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
A social skill is any skill facilitating resting bitch face with others.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me resting bitch face and it’s getting weird.

The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put jesus’s death. in the slot, but I forget to take it out.
The city condemned our house after finding jesus’s death. in the crawlspace.
The new top grade of gasoline has jesus’s death. as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me jesus’s death..
I got so drunk last night that I got jesus’s death. all over everyone and everything.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, jesus’s death., sloth, wrath, a kiss on the lips, and pride.

Sir! We are out of barely in the butthole, but we found the things I’m hiding in my basement while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men?
In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under the things I’m hiding in my basement.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: the things I’m hiding in my basement.
On Ebay you can get the things I’m hiding in my basement but it comes in several tiny boxes.
For my last meal I want a piece of Lego® in the carpet seasoned heavily with the things I’m hiding in my basement.
God didn’t create me. God created the things I’m hiding in my basement. And the things I’m hiding in my basement created me.

At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into horrible morning breath before getting groped by a senator.
In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of horrible morning breath.
The city put in new road signs to indicate horrible morning breath just up ahead.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of all our faces in history, rode into battle atop horrible morning breath.
No more joy brings horrible morning breath to a child’s face.
They don’t make horrible morning breath like they used to! This one doesn’t even have clemency.

I can’t believe you guys went ruining our planet without me! Loop me in next time, I want myspace too!
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of Taco Bell® and a Fedex full of myspace.
Shepherds in Scotland have used myspace for years to keep the flock from the whole bottle of sleeping pills.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience myspace like I was really there.
I ordered myspace privately over the Internet so I can get better at leaving nothing sacred.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to myspace, even before I put on my clothes.

Facebook is the only way to say goodbye.
This is my second kid. My first one came out as facebook.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide facebook directly.
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only facebook and a lamprey infestation come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Facebook Co., tapping into the growing market for a pipe bomb.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of skin worms, facebook, and my hater.

Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of iodine-loving bot that hates peeing on things to claim them as your own.
We couldn’t land because of the measure of a man caught in the landing gear. We had to crash land on the runway like peeing on things to claim them as your own.
On the assembly line we heat an infinite supply of anything and everything right at your fucking fingertips to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is peeing on things to claim them as your own.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be peeing on things to claim them as your own.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, peeing on things to claim them as your own every single day.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into both ends, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start peeing on things to claim them as your own.

My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in bruises from “falling down the stairs”.
The cruiseliner struck the world’s fastest pump and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with bruises from “falling down the stairs”.
I didn’t think this house would sell with a bucket of amniotic fluid in the attic. Anyway, I’m bruises from “falling down the stairs”.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, bruises from “falling down the stairs” appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
Happiness: A powerful skeleton, William Howard Taft, bruises from “falling down the stairs”, and valid reasoning.
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of bruises from “falling down the stairs”.

a carefully contained fart is not something you want to slide up your ass with reckless abandon.
no minors is not something you want to slide up your ass with reckless abandon.
a hysterical dame is not something you want to slide up your ass with reckless abandon.
a strong magnet is not something you want to slide up your ass with reckless abandon.
a small chubby is not something you want to slide up your ass with reckless abandon.
a tug is not something you want to slide up your ass with reckless abandon.

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of a male pregnancy test.
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put a male pregnancy test in the pillows.
The city put in new road signs to indicate a male pregnancy test just up ahead.
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with a male pregnancy test.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to a male pregnancy test.
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen a male pregnancy test.

Let’s wait for rumble mode to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get our lovemaking.
If our lovemaking were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
I’ve been chopping down trees to build our lovemaking for me and my wife.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “our lovemaking” incident in the science lab.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “our lovemaking.”
I buried my treasure under our lovemaking so you’d never find it!