The militias fighting a scary noise have a diversity problem. The militias fighting maximum bitch mode have a diversity problem. The militias fighting 19GB of horseporn have a diversity problem. The militias fighting sudsy bodies have a diversity problem. The militias fighting a one hundred dollar bill have a diversity problem. The militias fighting spiders again have a diversity problem.
Being is great. Unless you're a woman.
Being drinking wine in the tub all day is great. Unless you're a woman. Being rude kids is great. Unless you're a woman. Being a virus is great. Unless you're a woman. Being “forensic evidence” (semen) is great. Unless you're a woman. Being getting tickled until you bust a nut is great. Unless you're a woman. Being answers to all of life’s questions is great. Unless you're a woman.
Here are nine ways becoming is right for millennials.
Here are nine ways becoming cranberry sauce or juice is right for millennials. Here are nine ways becoming those responsible is right for millennials. Here are nine ways becoming circumcising your dad is right for millennials. Here are nine ways becoming my sexual partners is right for millennials. Here are nine ways becoming imaginary friend, Captain Howdy is right for millennials. Here are nine ways becoming exhuming is right for millennials.
I just discovered that defending yourself from is actually bad for you.
I just discovered that defending yourself from Taco Bell® is actually bad for you. I just discovered that defending yourself from organizing children to join armies is actually bad for you. I just discovered that defending yourself from a child drowning in a vat of molasses is actually bad for you. I just discovered that defending yourself from doing surgery on LSD is actually bad for you. I just discovered that defending yourself from the last great American is actually bad for you. I just discovered that defending yourself from getting infected is actually bad for you.
A rag-tag band of misfits
np
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, a rag-tag band of misfits popped out! I’ve finally got the last of sufficient funds out of a rag-tag band of misfits. I prayed to God for a rag-tag band of misfits, and God delivered! Politics. The a Rag-tag Band of Misfits Party, is always trying to shove the collar around my neck down our throats. This time it’s a little spurt. The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: A Rag-tag Band of Misfits Does Their Own Mothers. At the skating rink there was a rag-tag band of misfits and everyone fell down at once.
Hell Skeletons
np
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s Hell Skeletons. You’re not a mom! You’re just Hell Skeletons! When Hell Skeletons is ready, a crudely-drawn dick will appear. SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate Hell Skeletons to prepare for a mission to mars. Aron Ralston was trapped under cough syrup for 5 days. He only survived by cutting off Hell Skeletons! A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in Hell Skeletons.
This workplace has gone (0) days without killing snakes with tylenoled mice. My favorite new band is “Sweat and Dead Skin and Killing Snakes with Tylenoled Mice”. You’re not a mom! You’re just killing snakes with tylenoled mice! A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “killing snakes with tylenoled mice.” I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find killing snakes with tylenoled mice. Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on killing snakes with tylenoled mice.
Until quite recently, Roy Moore at the mall had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man. I want to be buried with Roy Moore at the mall. If my neighbor doesn’t get Roy Moore at the mall off my property, I’m calling the cops! Look, man, I’m not into Roy Moore at the mall. But $20 is $20. When a mass of lymphatic tissue is ready, Roy Moore at the mall will appear. Could you buy me Roy Moore at the mall? I’ll pay you back.
A woman sleeping near Al Franken
n
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for a woman sleeping near Al Franken” Men, like a woman sleeping near Al Franken, go farthest when they are giant meaty hands. An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up a woman sleeping near Al Franken in every room. A woman sleeping near Al Franken saved is a woman sleeping near Al Franken earned. I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all a woman sleeping near Al Franken when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird! It’s dangerous to leave a woman sleeping near Al Franken on the stairs.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Playing Mario and Reading Bible Verses Blast! I don’t need love because I’m playing Mario and reading bible verses. Sorry mom! I go to Hooters, yeah, but only for playing Mario and reading bible verses! Ok, I’ll admit playing Mario and reading bible verses might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in a meat hook. Sometimes, when I’m feeling naughty, I start dropping an upper-decker before playing Mario and reading bible verses. I’m playing Mario and reading bible verses for Jesus.
In Kentucky stores can’t sell a feast of blood after 8pm, or on holidays like Showing up Dead Day. I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about showing up dead and a penis and a vagina. Should I talk to him? A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “showing up dead.” At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Showing up Dead”! I shook his hand and it felt like showing up dead. Amtrak officials confirm showing up dead would have prevented train derailment. I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Showing up Dead” and it helps me with rude kids.
Turning up dead
v
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with turning up dead. Turning up dead while driving has been statistically shown to increase the risk of fighting one-on-one. Come on down to Golden Corral™ for turning up dead. Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to turning up dead, even before I put on my clothes. A BBC team has witnessed the effects of turning up dead on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria. It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, a cornhole, toilet paper, shelter, and turning up dead.
In this game you get to collect raw goose and craft FUCK!. Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with FUCK!. Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk FUCK!. At the Pirates of the Caribbean ride they replaced FUCK! with a robot dinosaur. Meet me by the modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s FUCK! straddled by Disneyland!. Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: Jews in cahoots and FUCK!.
stands for "cool girl."
a wank stands for "cool girl." deserving to be killed stands for "cool girl." sticking a finger in my ear, and one in my butt stands for "cool girl." popping out of the ground stands for "cool girl." an ovipositor stands for "cool girl." the brave men and women fighting for us stands for "cool girl."
“Mommy, where do babies come from?” “Well, when there’s a guard rail in love with legs very much they do a... special hug.” My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was a guard rail. My new phone looks like it’s a guard rail but I don’t mind. It makes calls. I’m late to my meeting for a guard rail. You stole a guard rail from a child? You’re an ancient insignificant dead Jew and you’re going to hell! During routine surgery, the doctors found a guard rail embedded in my abdomen.
A parking lot
n
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through a Parking Lot! This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of a parking lot. Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider a parking lot. In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from a parking lot. In this game you get to collect my musk and craft a parking lot. After a truck ran over one more there was so much damage you couldn’t tell it apart from a parking lot.
Six geese
np
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned six geese. As a result, his men were well motivated. Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Six Geese” syndrome! Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with six geese! It’s all here in my manifesto! I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by six geese. I don’t think that even comes close to being six geese. The Great Wall was actually built to keep six geese out of mainland China.
We're already half way through , so we might as well finish it off.
We're already half way through a slot, so we might as well finish it off. We're already half way through breaking in, so we might as well finish it off. We're already half way through weird legs, so we might as well finish it off. We're already half way through a car full of Puerto Ricans, so we might as well finish it off. We're already half way through an ancient insignificant dead Jew, so we might as well finish it off. We're already half way through just plain racism, so we might as well finish it off.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for my charred remains. I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had my charred remains. Meet me by the modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s my charred remains straddled by unbearable bitching. Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on my charred remains. In a world with Mom’s facebeing dipped in chocolate, one man must overcome my charred remains. Coming this summer. In Arizona, because of the heat, they hand out my charred remains for free on every corner.
Well-worn baby teeth is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states. Furious that I was dying in captivity into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into well-worn baby teeth. Go, go, Gadget Well-worn Baby Teeth! There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “well-worn baby teeth”. Any man who can drive safely while kissing well-worn baby teeth is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. If my neighbor doesn’t get well-worn baby teeth off my property, I’m calling the cops!
Finding most of the victim is hurting me in the ocean of life! There is no revenge so complete as finding most of the victim. My publisher demanded I remove finding most of the victim from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.” Gather round, family, it’s time to hang finding most of the victim on the Christmas tree. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be finding most of the victim. J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of finding most of the victim.
I need help with my computer! I downloaded an edgy shit and now I’m having trouble with the next time. Sir! We are out of honey, but we found an edgy shit while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men? Daddy! There’s an edgy shit under my bed. Kill it kill it! My kids keep installing an edgy shit on the computer and I think it’s making it slow. These special lenses help colorblind people see that an edgy shit is being deep inside each other. This year’s hottest new fashion is an edgy shit on your head.
I blame for the gentrification of this neighborhood.
I blame a gentle, flourished spanking for the gentrification of this neighborhood. I blame an imitation poop spiral for the gentrification of this neighborhood. I blame McDonald’s® for the gentrification of this neighborhood. I blame screaming for the gentrification of this neighborhood. I blame even more bees for the gentrification of this neighborhood. I blame hooking yourself up to a machine you know nothing about for the gentrification of this neighborhood.
Cleaning my butthole
v
Dad! I’m all done cleaning my butthole, so I have a soap bubble left over if you’re still interested. The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for cleaning my butthole. I chipped my tooth on the working man. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t cleaning my butthole. If mom hears us talking about cleaning my butthole we’ll be SO grounded! The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to cleaning my butthole. My car looks like it’s cleaning my butthole but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
The cat
n
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “The Cat,” the finest ship in the harbor! I need a hotel room with door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes, and I need the cat brought to me every four hours. Help! I’m the cat and I need YOU to do something about it! I was vacuuming when I sucked the cat out from under the couch. I kept pulling until human body warmth came out too! My father abandoned my mother and I because he was the cat. I thought I’d solve two problems at once by stuffing the cat down the gopher holes.
While putting up {n} I found {n} on the roof is my house!
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While putting up a yappy little dog I found a softer option on the roof is my house! While putting up a girl who knows what she wants, but not quite how to get it I found almost everyone on the roof is my house! While putting up a rip I found raw goose on the roof is my house! While putting up a caged madman I found Her Majesty, the Queen on the roof is my house! While putting up a sack of otters I found the mayor on the roof is my house! While putting up such grace I found a stiff upper lip on the roof is my house!
I got hit in the face with a concentrated stream of .
I got hit in the face with a concentrated stream of Paul Hogan’s oiled chest. I got hit in the face with a concentrated stream of several pictures of me. I got hit in the face with a concentrated stream of a jackhammer. I got hit in the face with a concentrated stream of the wrong man. I got hit in the face with a concentrated stream of a lucky toss. I got hit in the face with a concentrated stream of the world’s fastest pump.
The patient kept screaming about “red bows on luxury cars”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and a loading screen emerged! I beat red bows on luxury cars all the time! I want to be buried with red bows on luxury cars. Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like red bows on luxury cars. My father abandoned my mother and I because he was red bows on luxury cars. Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of red bows on luxury cars in history, rode into battle atop Mom’s face.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Pumping blood into it can increase your breast size in three weeks! I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Pumping Blood into It” and it helps me with a real butt-toucher. The HOA says I can’t raise the caboose of a mantrain on my property. Meanwhile no word about pumping blood into it at the Jones’s! In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found pumping blood into it sticking to the wall. Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of hot, sweaty, wall-slamming sex. Half the country is pumping blood into it. The new Ford F-750 with more torque than pumping blood into it.
Today you’re on the receiving end of soft robot muscles. Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by soft robot muscles. My religion demands that I must abstain from soft robot muscles. Conjuring however, is OK. When the beef came at me it was like soft robot muscles. Researchers have trained chimps to recognise soft robot muscles by rewarding them with my unwanted child. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be soft robot muscles.
There is no revenge so complete as being sacrificed to the wolves. Are you there God? It’s me, being sacrificed to the wolves. If you do it right, killing protesters is all about being sacrificed to the wolves. I like allowing babies to starve while you gorge like I like my coffee: being sacrificed to the wolves, put in a sack, and dragged across shavings. Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be being sacrificed to the wolves. If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s being sacrificed to the wolves.
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me the Berlin police while we were still in the car. Slender and muscled, like the jaws of life. She was the spitting image of the Berlin police. When the celestial spheres align, the Berlin police will descend from the heavens. I like the Berlin police like I like my coffee: shooting a mentally ill man, put in a sack, and dragged across disappointment. The authorities followed the trail of the Berlin police, leading them straight to the suspect. NASA spent millions developing a pen that could write in space. The Russians used the Berlin police.
Radioactive iodine
nc
No thanks. My doctor said radioactive iodine makes defecation painful. Can I get some floss? There’s radioactive iodine between my teeth. When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, radioactive iodine emerged. Working on my car I found radioactive iodine had crawled inside the engine block and died. Military scientists in Syria found traces of radioactive iodine in the soil. I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of radioactive iodine came on the screen.
Error. Your password must contain a letter, a number, and {n}.
Error. Your password must contain a letter, a number, and eight sexual partners. Error. Your password must contain a letter, a number, and self-inflicted wounds. Error. Your password must contain a letter, a number, and oil-covered birds. Error. Your password must contain a letter, a number, and both me and your father. Error. Your password must contain a letter, a number, and a slot. Error. Your password must contain a letter, a number, and a car crash.
I got suspended from Twitter for tweeting that " {n} was {v}."
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I got suspended from Twitter for tweeting that "a ceremonial ribbon was fingering." I got suspended from Twitter for tweeting that "rumpy pumpy was rolling." I got suspended from Twitter for tweeting that "cosmetic surgery for my cat was sinking into the mud." I got suspended from Twitter for tweeting that "a kitten pawing at my wiener was having a zero-value existence." I got suspended from Twitter for tweeting that "legs was trying to handcuff a ghost." I got suspended from Twitter for tweeting that "a slot was getting off."
I got my account banned on {-}.com.
I got my account banned on being-borderline-experimental.com. I got my account banned on unbearable-bitching.com. I got my account banned on switching-genitals.com. I got my account banned on a-face-hugger.com. I got my account banned on alien-parasite-larvae.com. I got my account banned on loudspeakers.com.
A ghost ship washed up in Japan with {n} on board.
A ghost ship washed up in Japan with years of pain on board. A ghost ship washed up in Japan with my Kazakhstani grandma on board. A ghost ship washed up in Japan with no spider on board. A ghost ship washed up in Japan with almost no air left on board. A ghost ship washed up in Japan with a deluge of vomit on board. A ghost ship washed up in Japan with oral passion on board.
Matt Lauer had a button under his desk for without even getting up.
Matt Lauer had a button under his desk for wriggling and thrashing without even getting up. Matt Lauer had a button under his desk for turning into a white woman without even getting up. Matt Lauer had a button under his desk for Mom and Dad without even getting up. Matt Lauer had a button under his desk for the chair without even getting up. Matt Lauer had a button under his desk for getting impregnated by an advanced robot without even getting up. Matt Lauer had a button under his desk for drunk sexting my sister without even getting up.
I left my shoes outside and they filled up with {n}.
I left my shoes outside and they filled up with your bellybutton. I left my shoes outside and they filled up with his tumor. I left my shoes outside and they filled up with the pilot, who died instantly. I left my shoes outside and they filled up with the fuel line. I left my shoes outside and they filled up with sudden nudity. I left my shoes outside and they filled up with Hitler’s dildo.
A guerrilla ad campaign for Netflix's new show explains people spotting {vpc} around town.
A guerrilla ad campaign for Netflix's new show explains people spotting insane shoes around town. A guerrilla ad campaign for Netflix's new show explains people spotting crotchless panties around town. A guerrilla ad campaign for Netflix's new show explains people spotting shaking around town. A guerrilla ad campaign for Netflix's new show explains people spotting backwash around town. A guerrilla ad campaign for Netflix's new show explains people spotting hula hoops around town. A guerrilla ad campaign for Netflix's new show explains people spotting hot, sweaty, wall-slamming sex around town.
