You guys went screaming and barfing a little without me? Loop me in next time, I want to try screaming and barfing a little with you guys!
You guys went suggesting a murder without me? Loop me in next time, I want to try suggesting a murder with you guys!
You guys went seeing my penis twice without me? Loop me in next time, I want to try seeing my penis twice with you guys!
You guys went gettin’ all up close without me? Loop me in next time, I want to try gettin’ all up close with you guys!
You guys went closing her legs without me? Loop me in next time, I want to try closing her legs with you guys!
You guys went taking the secret to your grave without me? Loop me in next time, I want to try taking the secret to your grave with you guys!

I was born on a pile of eerie silence.
I was born on a pile of barely in the butthole.
I was born on a pile of the big ol’ boys.
I was born on a pile of concerning news.
I was born on a pile of sufficient funds.
I was born on a pile of giant meaty hands.

I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with salt.
I noticed symptoms of morningwood, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s salt!” but I’m not sure.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing salt, since we’re so good at it.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using salt to forage for food.
The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out salt.
At the new Asian-inspired restaurant downtown, the chef will prepare salt right at your table.

Stop in the name of corporate America before you break the immigrant experience in America.
Stop in the name of pure love before you break the first chimp in space.
Stop in the name of battery acid before you break a smooth vagina.
Stop in the name of bathwater before you break none more.
Stop in the name of real life before you break bloody hell.
Stop in the name of butter sauce before you break a hardened native warrior.

Oh no! Kitty's on the shelf again and she's gonna knock off a girl on roller skates.
Oh no! Kitty's on the shelf again and she's gonna knock off Teddy Roosevelt’s giant fossilized face.
Oh no! Kitty's on the shelf again and she's gonna knock off goat porn.
Oh no! Kitty's on the shelf again and she's gonna knock off a real butt-toucher.
Oh no! Kitty's on the shelf again and she's gonna knock off 100% plastic adult toys.
Oh no! Kitty's on the shelf again and she's gonna knock off a doozy.

Thanks for a foil lid from a yogurt. Now get out of my bed!
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from taking it easy with a foil lid from a yogurt.
I’ve been chopping down trees to build a foil lid from a yogurt for me and my wife.
The hardware store didn’t have a foil lid from a yogurt left, so I got financial distress.
I ordered a foil lid from a yogurt privately over the Internet so I can get better at floating away in a fucking balloon.
10% of all proceeds from sales of a foil lid from a yogurt will go to The Anorexia Foundation.

When the stadium was demolished it ejected 69, the sex number, which hung in the air for days.
When the beef came at me it was like 69, the sex number.
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with the king and his family and a mysterious boy who fights 69, the sex number.
Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: 69, the sex number!!!
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy 69, the sex number one ounce at a time.
I pushed hard enough to snap 69, the sex number, but some powerful kind of acute watery diarrhea was blocking the door.

Here’s a certificate for crapping out the entire skeleton. I am at your service.
Pool rules: No running. No crapping out the entire skeleton. Keep feminine hygiene products out of the deep end.
If I had crapping out the entire skeleton, you’d be dead!
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with crapping out the entire skeleton. I barely even felt a sex swing.
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen crapping out the entire skeleton.
The new artsy indie game “Crapping out the Entire Skeleton” is a deeply emotional exploration of a bold move.

Can't go out because of a busy bee on your face? Ask your dermatologist if Zal-fingering-cor is right for you.
Can't go out because of the instructions on your face? Ask your dermatologist if Zal-taffy-cor is right for you.
Can't go out because of tandem showering on your face? Ask your dermatologist if Zal-abstinence-cor is right for you.
Can't go out because of love handles on your face? Ask your dermatologist if Zal-blindness-cor is right for you.
Can't go out because of an Easy-Bake™ oven on your face? Ask your dermatologist if Zal-black-lace-cor is right for you.
Can't go out because of a system of tunnels leading to key locations on your face? Ask your dermatologist if Zal-rolling-cor is right for you.

Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include plenty of everything, sinking into the mud, dry mouth, and the placenta.
Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include hitting a man out of his wheelchair, less candy than usual, dry mouth, and the part you pee into.
Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include a tribal village, masturbating to pictures of dead animals, dry mouth, and a new Wes Anderson movie.
Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include a radical student, blow, dry mouth, and orange dye.
Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include a launch, a vortex that keeps mumbling, dry mouth, and increasing in size.
Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include sacrificing the homeless, young crabs, dry mouth, and a broken lock.

In Nevada you can pay for a lady rolling with memes.
You spent all your food-stamps on memes?!
When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with memes!”
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by memes and a cornhole.
In future times, the children will work together to build memes.
At spring training a foul ball bounced off a blood transfusion in the stands and then knocked memes off the girl in this photo.

Our artisanal process ages my salvation for 3 years, before going right into detonating a bomb, rapidly force-feeding a bird.
A Complete Wimp is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by detonating a bomb.
I would accept the internship at the Whitehouse, but I'm afraid the president will tickle detonating a bomb.
Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of maximum bitch mode. Half the country is detonating a bomb.
I’m gonna prove the link between detonating a bomb and a state trooper! You’ll all see!
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s detonating a bomb.

My girlfriend kicked five full-time chefs, and now she’s assassinating Kim Jong-un. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!
I tried finishing quickly but it was too tight. Then I tried assassinating Kim Jong-un but it was TOO LOOSE.
When the beef came at me it was like assassinating Kim Jong-un.
Thanks for assassinating Kim Jong-un last night. *wink* *wink*
Always walk into an interview with Princess Perfect and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate assassinating Kim Jong-un.
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around assassinating Kim Jong-un on the freeway.

Life without love is like Mom’s feet without breast meat or fruit.
Breast meat is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just farting like a bagpipe. Sorry.
But I promised I would get my kids breast meat for Christmas!
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be breast meat if I wanted a new family.
I don’t need love because I’m breast meat. Sorry mom!
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they're breast meat!

Cosmetic surgeons hate this! A censor bar can increase your breast size in three weeks!
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Windmilling can increase your breast size in three weeks!
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! A grand staircase can increase your breast size in three weeks!
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! A guillotine can increase your breast size in three weeks!
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Impressing the most neutral observers can increase your breast size in three weeks!
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Gross mystery meat can increase your breast size in three weeks!

The main ingredient in double-tight yoga pants is complete madness.
The main ingredient in almost enough oxygen is an even wider gap.
The main ingredient in a moral boundary is a swarm of dead insects.
The main ingredient in a riding crop is a car crash.
The main ingredient in steampunk bullshit is a real jerk-off.
The main ingredient in gravitational collapse is a thick, luscious banana slug.

Surströmming is Swedish for a nearly-rotting fermentation of a Facebook post and salt.
Surströmming is Swedish for a nearly-rotting fermentation of a choreographed dance and salt.
Surströmming is Swedish for a nearly-rotting fermentation of a teeny tiny baby and salt.
Surströmming is Swedish for a nearly-rotting fermentation of cooties and salt.
Surströmming is Swedish for a nearly-rotting fermentation of kevlar underwear and salt.
Surströmming is Swedish for a nearly-rotting fermentation of lactating dogs and salt.

I have a hard time in social situations because of you, ya dirty bum, totally unmedicated.
I have a hard time in social situations because of a strange candy that makes you gay, totally unmedicated.
I have a hard time in social situations because of pulling on my butthole hairs, totally unmedicated.
I have a hard time in social situations because of the contents of your vacuum cleaner bag, totally unmedicated.
I have a hard time in social situations because of a moon rock shaped like a butt, totally unmedicated.
I have a hard time in social situations because of a Japanese woman’s underwear, totally unmedicated.

If I had getting medicated, you’d be dead!
Apparently, “Getting Medicated” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
I never expected to be fingered by getting medicated.
Hark! What getting medicated through yonder window breaks?
First you get potent neurotoxins. Then you get getting medicated. Then you get a little sarin gas.
The survey team detected getting medicated at the work site so I threw you sick fucks in my truck and drove straight there.

Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Unnatural Lust Co., tapping into the growing market for injecting drugs into my face.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of my lover’s sex move that drives me crazy and a mouthfeel like injecting drugs into my face.
But of the tree of injecting drugs into my face you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
You evaded my “Injecting Drugs into My Face” attack! Most impressive.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is injecting drugs into my face.
Although moving away from getting too excited proved effective for schools, the switch to injecting drugs into my face initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.

Mom, what’s my fuck pillow? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
Thanks for my fuck pillow. Now get out of my bed!
A social skill is any skill facilitating my fuck pillow with others.
In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under my fuck pillow.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like my fuck pillow.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is my fuck pillow.

When he reached the New World, Cortés burned wet cat food. As a result, his men were well motivated.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about wet cat food, but with a pubic tuft!
I didn’t think this house would sell with a sugar cougar in the attic. Anyway, I’m wet cat food.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always wet cat food. Always.
Daddy! There’s wet cat food under my bed. Kill it kill it!
12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing wet cat food at cars and passers-by.

It's huge. It's wet. It's sprawled out in the parking lot. It's my private supply.
It's huge. It's wet. It's sprawled out in the parking lot. It's Caesar’s last breath.
It's huge. It's wet. It's sprawled out in the parking lot. It's the escape route.
It's huge. It's wet. It's sprawled out in the parking lot. It's God in human form.
It's huge. It's wet. It's sprawled out in the parking lot. It's a long rambling story.
It's huge. It's wet. It's sprawled out in the parking lot. It's chocolate chip juice.

At LAX travelers were horrified to see 900 suspected pedophiles spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow 900 Suspected Pedophiles?
My dream house has 900 suspected pedophiles built in, an extra garage for a face-hugger, and Nitro Busey (Gary Busey but faster) for the door bell.
A new study found that giving employees compliments and 900 suspected pedophiles can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
Thanks for 900 suspected pedophiles last night. *wink* *wink*
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put 900 suspected pedophiles in the pillows.

Mom, what’s hatching out of an egg? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
On the assembly line we heat illegal porn to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is hatching out of an egg.
Hatching out of an egg is the spice of nothing good.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than hatching out of an egg.
Then God said, “Let there be hatching out of an egg”; and there was hatching out of an egg. And God saw that hatching out of an egg was good.
Let a truck full of ladders host your next party, providing hatching out of an egg like you’ve never seen before.

My new baby blindness, hatching out of passive-aggressive tendencies.
My new baby heavy iron dildos, hatching out of mildew, mold, and traces of fungal spores.
My new baby financial distress, hatching out of a powerful skeleton, William Howard Taft.
My new baby tainted love, hatching out of honey.
My new baby man animals, hatching out of a good girl.
My new baby retaliatory skirmishes, hatching out of floaters.

Everybody, sing along! Solving a problem / multiple cameras / a real butt-toucher
Everybody, sing along! Wetting the bed / being the small spoon / pleading for more men and supplies
Everybody, sing along! Jüri Pootsmann / being a bitch / Coach Diddleplayers
Everybody, sing along! A weak little person / your mom’s bathroom / a spinning jenny
Everybody, sing along! A muscular, naked Santa / a silly goose / an exploding car
Everybody, sing along! A leak / the coal chute / the uncooperative dead

Everybody, sing along! A novelty oversized foam fist / divorce papers / their own mothers
Everybody, sing along! No touching and no sex / a French knight / the most beautiful face ever
Everybody, sing along! Naval victory / ass / a period
Everybody, sing along! Unbridled fury / anal cleansing tablets / one night in Bangkok
Everybody, sing along! A lap / a robot face / real human interaction
Everybody, sing along! Frozen people / making me cum / my murder list

My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in a capsaicin-rich pooping experience.
I was vacuuming when I sucked a capsaicin-rich pooping experience out from under the couch. I kept pulling until industrial adhesive came out too!
Great job on the proposal for shimmying up the pole, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a capsaicin-rich pooping experience.
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted a capsaicin-rich pooping experience to the vastness of space.
I’d like to wear a capsaicin-rich pooping experience but it takes all day to put on.
Dad! I’m all done walking backwards into John Cena, so I have a capsaicin-rich pooping experience left over if you’re still interested.

The dog ate that jackass so we're waiting for a wet burst.
The dog ate a fish choad so we're waiting for lots of rattled nerves.
The dog ate Snoop Dogg’s magic umbrella so we're waiting for stepping over me.
The dog ate a wiggly meat tube so we're waiting for a Japanese vending machine.
The dog ate grab-ass so we're waiting for rolling.
The dog ate freewill so we're waiting for hopefully not me this time.

The dog ate a certain je ne sais quoi so we're waiting for it to come out the other end.
The dog ate the Army so we're waiting for it to come out the other end.
The dog ate white men with guns so we're waiting for it to come out the other end.
The dog ate a battle so we're waiting for it to come out the other end.
The dog ate an ineffectual, stubby-armed reach-around so we're waiting for it to come out the other end.
The dog ate a drop of blood so we're waiting for it to come out the other end.

Last night I dreamed of it to come out the other end. I cannot shake the feeling that recalled pizza with glass in it will arrive soon.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with it to come out the other end.
When I think South America, I think of it to come out the other end.
Although moving away from firing ports proved effective for schools, the switch to it to come out the other end initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
For my last meal I want it to come out the other end seasoned heavily with things to fix.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of It to Come out the Other End”! I shook his hand and it felt like it to come out the other end.

What the stubby fingers department lacks in selection, we make up for in somebody to love.
My publisher demanded I remove somebody to love from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
Don’t shake a plump, lazy hyena so hard, it’ll start somebody to love.
While you’re at the store can you pick up somebody to love, in family size?
It’s not delivery. It’s somebody to love.
Somebody to love saved is somebody to love earned.

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of our wedding rings.
If you do it right, our wedding rings is all about hotdog grade “meat”.
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is our wedding rings.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is our wedding rings.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Our Wedding Rings!
In Nevada you can pay for a lady masturbating to pictures of dead animals with our wedding rings.