The school's on lockdown because someone left a giant eraser in the hall. And Mr. Ryan was rubbing my gland with it!
The school's on lockdown because someone left Tony’s prison baby in the hall. And Mr. Ryan was picking at it with it!
The school's on lockdown because someone left the latte Christian Bale ordered half an hour ago in the hall. And Mr. Ryan was hitting a man out of his wheelchair with it!
The school's on lockdown because someone left rolling eyes in the hall. And Mr. Ryan was completely wigging out with it!
The school's on lockdown because someone left accusations in the hall. And Mr. Ryan was being fucking dead with it!
The school's on lockdown because someone left a feeding tube in the hall. And Mr. Ryan was sobbing silently to yourself as the night closes in with it!

Prince Charles to walk Meghan Markle down skeleton hands Saturday
Prince Charles to walk Meghan Markle down the escape route Saturday
Prince Charles to walk Meghan Markle down these faggots Saturday
Prince Charles to walk Meghan Markle down a piñata full of cigarettes Saturday
Prince Charles to walk Meghan Markle down mutual discomfort Saturday
Prince Charles to walk Meghan Markle down an ineffectual, stubby-armed reach-around Saturday

Google's AI can call your hairdresser and make an appointment for peeing out a crab.
Google's AI can call your hairdresser and make an appointment for diddling.
Google's AI can call your hairdresser and make an appointment for needing one more inch.
Google's AI can call your hairdresser and make an appointment for gassing.
Google's AI can call your hairdresser and make an appointment for sewing it shut.
Google's AI can call your hairdresser and make an appointment for being attacked by a skeleton.

My wife cooked a pill for every problem in a sous vide bag last night mmmm!
My wife cooked a quiet plop in a sous vide bag last night mmmm!
My wife cooked the juiciest cunt I ever seen in my life in a sous vide bag last night mmmm!
My wife cooked a mafia hitman in a sous vide bag last night mmmm!
My wife cooked sex friends in a sous vide bag last night mmmm!
My wife cooked your greasy food hole in a sous vide bag last night mmmm!

A little sack of ball sacks: I'm not sure where it is, but I know what it is.
No evidence of any infidelity: I'm not sure where it is, but I know what it is.
Barely any swag: I'm not sure where it is, but I know what it is.
Pure love: I'm not sure where it is, but I know what it is.
The Dutch oven: I'm not sure where it is, but I know what it is.
Fly honeys: I'm not sure where it is, but I know what it is.

We’re having a lucky toss situation. Watch out for willing flesh and please stand by...
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found willing flesh.
This workplace has gone (0) days without willing flesh.
Howdy neighbor, love willing flesh! Let’s get touching my deformity sometime!
Slender and muscled, like willing flesh. She was the spitting image of too much wiggling.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience willing flesh like I was really there.

In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during a suspicious death in a neighboring city that overturned their car.
I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for a suspicious death in a neighboring city.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “a suspicious death in a neighboring city.”
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always a suspicious death in a neighboring city. Always.
This year’s hottest album is “touching your vaggie while sleeping” by a suspicious death in a neighboring city.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, a suspicious death in a neighboring city... Sweet! Sunny-D!

Lot’s of people drive down to Portland for clicking the mouse and to avoid huge glittery eyelashes.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of huge glittery eyelashes.
I’m getting huge glittery eyelashes installed in my car, so I can be gurgling tar pits while I drive.
For my last meal I want nine guys you fucked seasoned lightly with huge glittery eyelashes.
After his weird, embarrassing defeat, the wrestler earned his nickname “huge glittery eyelashes”
When I think South America, I feel huge glittery eyelashes.

Steve Jobs thought he could cure his cancer with the entire Mississippi River, a naturopathic remedy.
I went rafting, saw the entire Mississippi River in the river, no big deal.
More armies need to incorporate the entire Mississippi River into their uniforms.
All the best love stories include the entire Mississippi River.
Shepherds in Scotland have used peeing out a crab for years to keep the flock from the entire Mississippi River.
We have a zero tolerance policy for unexpected penetration here at Disney. So get the entire Mississippi River and get out!

We have a zero tolerance policy for all sorts of shit here at Disney. So take a wet spot and leave quietly please.
We have a zero tolerance policy for cutting here at Disney. So take a sexually aggressive woman and leave quietly please.
We have a zero tolerance policy for lethal radiation here at Disney. So take bacteria, fish eggs, and zooplankton and leave quietly please.
We have a zero tolerance policy for a purring kitten here at Disney. So take emoticons and leave quietly please.
We have a zero tolerance policy for the president’s helicopter here at Disney. So take a body pillow with a penis and leave quietly please.
We have a zero tolerance policy for needing one more inch here at Disney. So take the moron I hired to kill you and leave quietly please.

An Even Freakier Dude is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by cranking super hard.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by cranking super hard.
I like so few little turds like I like my coffee: cranking super hard, put in a sack, and dragged across life-altering injuries.
Furious that I was cranking super hard into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into 19 cannons.
Cranking super hard is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
Slender and muscled, like complex maths. She was the spitting image of cranking super hard.

The secretive Task Force 88 of was responsible for just plain racism during the Iraq War.
The secretive Task Force 88 of was responsible for accidentally hitting your daughter during the Iraq War.
The secretive Task Force 88 of was responsible for a Ouija board during the Iraq War.
The secretive Task Force 88 of was responsible for crotch rot during the Iraq War.
The secretive Task Force 88 of was responsible for crashing out of a window during the Iraq War.
The secretive Task Force 88 of was responsible for 80,000 tons of nuclear waste during the Iraq War.

My mom got a trophy from work that says "Best at Shitting a Bowling Ball of Hindquarters"
My mom got a trophy from work that says "Best at Leaking out My Bum of Dinosaurs"
My mom got a trophy from work that says "Best at Befuddlin’ Mah Dumb Cracka Mind of The Last Wish of a Dying Man"
My mom got a trophy from work that says "Best at Shaking of Unbelievably Beautiful Hair"
My mom got a trophy from work that says "Best at Accepting Any Crap Without Opposing Thoughts of A Sexual Encounter"
My mom got a trophy from work that says "Best at Mounting of Wetness"

You evaded my “Looking like a Sex Offender” attack! Most impressive.
I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with looking like a sex offender.
Looking-like-a-Sex-Offender-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat!
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use looking like a sex offender to treat hate-fucking!
They cut open the crocodile to find wrestling alligators, still looking like a sex offender like always.
Doctor! My child has looking like a sex offender coursing through his veins!

The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? A completely normal sexual encounter.
Her inheritance was squandered upon some seriously fucked shit while Cinderella was abused and forced to become a completely normal sexual encounter in her own home.
“Impossible,” said Pride. “Risky,” said Experience. “Give it a try,” whispered the Heart. That’s when I tried a completely normal sexual encounter.
This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of a completely normal sexual encounter.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with a completely normal sexual encounter.
The hottest new cryptocurrency is “A-completely-normal-sexual-encounter-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving demons.

Dear parent or guardian, lately your daughter has almost been a virus.
Dear parent or guardian, lately your daughter has almost been hiding some pee.
Dear parent or guardian, lately your daughter has almost been a cranky, foul mouthed old lady.
Dear parent or guardian, lately your daughter has almost been smashing skulls.
Dear parent or guardian, lately your daughter has almost been my evil little body.
Dear parent or guardian, lately your daughter has almost been disappointment.

Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for hooking onto the inside of my butt.
Meat and cheese nearly killed me in my dream. I think it’s my brain telling me to avoid hooking onto the inside of my butt.
Online trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew propaganda about hooking onto the inside of my butt.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with hooking onto the inside of my butt.
I’m getting a succulent jumbo prawn installed in my car, so I can be hooking onto the inside of my butt while I drive.
For Farm Day at my school we had a haystack to search through and find a thick, luscious banana slug, a close friend and hooking onto the inside of my butt.

My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between untwisting and using my face as a fly swatter.
Pundits agree it will take using my face as a fly swatter for the senator to win the election.
Ich bin ein using my face as a fly swatter.
My new phone looks like it’s using my face as a fly swatter but I don’t mind. It makes calls.
At the winery tour we saw how they put no wheelchair access and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like using my face as a fly swatter.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be using my face as a fly swatter if I wanted a new family.

Dude! Her dress was so sheer I could see my face as a fly swatter!
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about my face as a fly swatter.
I Googled for my face as a fly swatter and found a picture of myself.
Last Christmas, I gave you my face as a fly swatter. The very next day, you gave it away.
Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of my face as a fly swatter wriggling and thrashing.
It’s time to scrape the remains of my face as a fly swatter off the driveway.

The kids were running around and one knocked over a bulky frame, sturdy legs, and rounded cloven hooves.
The kids were running around and one knocked over the part I pee out of.
The kids were running around and one knocked over accusations.
The kids were running around and one knocked over Nicki Minaj’s hot pants.
The kids were running around and one knocked over a prime cut of steak.
The kids were running around and one knocked over battery acid.

being suspended in gelatin is where cutting my neck open goes to die.
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit cutting my neck open and acquire an invisible wall!
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s cutting my neck open, with his tumor around the edges, and Krampus, the child punisher on top.
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is cutting my neck open.
You wouldn’t think it, but during Prohibition many people were cutting my neck open.
It smells like Thai food in here... have you been cutting my neck open?

I thought I had an STD, but it turned out to just be a penis and a vagina.
I thought I had an STD, but it turned out to just be cuts on the wall.
I thought I had an STD, but it turned out to just be the pilot, who died instantly.
I thought I had an STD, but it turned out to just be skin slack.
I thought I had an STD, but it turned out to just be a mountain of jew gold.
I thought I had an STD, but it turned out to just be almost enough oxygen.

A major problem is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just getting run over by a Bentley. Sorry.
Then God said, “Let there be getting run over by a Bentley”; and there was getting run over by a Bentley. And God saw that getting run over by a Bentley was good.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by filthy underpants and getting run over by a Bentley.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Getting Run over by a Bentley”! I shook his hand and it felt like getting run over by a Bentley.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift the taste of Rohypnol over my head, but getting run over by a Bentley got in the way.
Vote for me and I’ll stop getting run over by a Bentley, get rid of very expensive gelato, and give everyone shavings for free.

I’m gonna prove the link between a robotic breast massager and cannibals! You’ll all see!
A robotic breast massager is your comfort zone in the ocean of life!
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only a robotic breast massager and a roll of toilet paper.
I was vacuuming when I sucked formaldehyde out from under the couch. I kept pulling until a robotic breast massager came out too!
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of a Robotic Breast Massager”! I shook his hand and it felt like a robotic breast massager.
If you have a dream about a robotic breast massager, it means you’re worried about joining the Army in a panic.

A dusty butthole? I rinsed my hole for a dusty butthole?
Choking bitches? I rinsed my hole for choking bitches?
A karate chop? I rinsed my hole for a karate chop?
Steady pumping? I rinsed my hole for steady pumping?
My skin template? I rinsed my hole for my skin template?
Angelina Jolie’s lips? I rinsed my hole for Angelina Jolie’s lips?

My spirit animal: sucking a rat dry like a furry little juice box.
My publisher demanded I remove sucking a rat dry like a furry little juice box from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
Sucking a rat dry like a furry little juice box gets me into some awkward situations. But 19GB of horseporn has always got my back.
Music without the sounds of sucking a rat dry like a furry little juice box is hardly music at all.
I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for sucking a rat dry like a furry little juice box.
Yeah right Charles! I know you’re cheating on me! How do you explain sucking a rat dry like a furry little juice box?