If making me hard were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape! Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be making me hard. I am become making me hard, the destroyer of the immigrant experience in America. Always walk into an interview with the NAACP and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate making me hard. Retribution nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid making me hard. I like my women like I like being bred in captivity: being controlled by a child with making me hard.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep astronaut pee out of mainland China. Astronaut pee saved is astronaut pee earned. I like my women like I like deliberately standing in front of a cannon: finding out my first husband was still alive with astronaut pee. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be astronaut pee . Working on my car I found astronaut pee had crawled inside the engine block and died. My dream house has hopefully not me this time built in, an extra garage for a bitch as nasty as that, and astronaut pee for the door bell.
We are going to taxidermy {n} to make a statue out of it!
We are going to taxidermy a gash to make a statue out of it! We are going to taxidermy a dollar to make a statue out of it! We are going to taxidermy my musk to make a statue out of it! We are going to taxidermy my front fat to make a statue out of it! We are going to taxidermy door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes to make a statue out of it! We are going to taxidermy pure honey to make a statue out of it!
A made up racial slur is always a contest when I'm involved. A child born of incest is always a contest when I'm involved. A prelude to battle is always a contest when I'm involved. Toned thighs is always a contest when I'm involved. An upstart is always a contest when I'm involved. Her first marriage is always a contest when I'm involved.
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into fleeing directly onto my penis, get to the front of the line. James Bond will return in “The Man With fleeing directly onto my penis”! After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was fleeing directly onto my penis. Somebody screenshotted my Snapchat and now everyone thinks I’m fleeing directly onto my penis. When I get older, I don’t want to be fleeing directly onto my penis. The TSA has made new rules mandating fleeing directly onto my penis on every commercial flight.
I wasn’t always black... there was baby pheromones, and it got bigger and bigger. In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of baby pheromones. In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually baby pheromones. Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by baby pheromones around the building. Furious that I was becoming an adult into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into baby pheromones. In my wild days I was _{n} landed on my stomach, which hurt pretty bad, but the amazing thing is that _{nc} came shooting out of my ass!, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with baby pheromones on the New Mexico border.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s A human child in a bag and I think I believe her! I looked up “A human child in a bag” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving a happy accident. This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw A human child in a bag overboard! The new top grade of gasoline has A human child in a bag as an additive, which is actually really good for your car. Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s A human child in a bag. Experts said that based on preliminary data, A human child in a bag appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
Let’s wait for puberty cream to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get A A goatse-inspired light fixture. Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with A A goatse-inspired light fixture. My girlfriend kicked my latest perversion, and now she’s A A goatse-inspired light fixture. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid! The new bill before congress would mandate A A goatse-inspired light fixture in all K-through-12 classrooms. First you get searching his ass. Then you get A A goatse-inspired light fixture. Then you get a dictionary for swears. The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: Marginal Gains Does A A Goatse-inspired Light Fixture.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by Shitty white people rap music. They said Shitty white people rap music was out of my league, but look at me now! I've got Shitty white people rap music... and then some! For Halloween we’re peeling your panties so it feels like eyeballs, and we made Shitty white people rap music so it feels like brains. I thought I’d solve two problems at once by stuffing Shitty white people rap music down the gopher holes. A photocopy of your face is the spice of Shitty white people rap music. Chase bank is giving out Shitty white people rap music this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began a bloody latex witch outfit. At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking a bloody latex witch outfit into women’s purses and bags. Men, like a bloody latex witch outfit, go farthest when they are a humorless Japanese businessman. At LAX travelers were horrified to see a bloody latex witch outfit spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another. This workplace has gone (0) days without a bloody latex witch outfit. Uh oh. I think a bloody latex witch outfit just fell out of my bung hole.
Ever since the incident with weed smoke I’ve been haunted by emergency bacon. No one in Morocco can be weed smoke without registering with the government. It's dangerous to leave weed smoke on the stairs. Military scientists in Syria found traces of weed smoke in the soil. When the celestial spheres align, weed smoke will descend from the heavens. In this game you get to collect very recent arrivals and craft weed smoke.
You're a real jerk if you blow {n} on your pet.
You're a real jerk if you blow Katy Perry’s kitty, Kitty Purry on your pet. You're a real jerk if you blow a protruding vein on your pet. You're a real jerk if you blow a leak on your pet. You're a real jerk if you blow the caboose of a mantrain on your pet. You're a real jerk if you blow the measure of a man on your pet. You're a real jerk if you blow skin-tight leather pants on your pet.
Vote for me and I'll stop {v}, get rid of {n}, and give everyone {n} for free.
Play 3
Vote for me and I'll stop rolling eyes, get rid of a big, brown beaver, and give everyone inertia for free. Vote for me and I'll stop drinking wine in the tub all day, get rid of rigid peen, and give everyone a man staring into space for free. Vote for me and I'll stop acting in an irresponsible fashion, get rid of spicy saliva, and give everyone five adult sons for free. Vote for me and I'll stop wildly swinging middle fingers, get rid of BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM, and give everyone me for free. Vote for me and I'll stop juggling responsibilities, get rid of all white moms, and give everyone the bitter cold for free. Vote for me and I'll stop getting busy, get rid of swamp ass, and give everyone giggling schoolgirls with cameras for free.
By 2100, scientists predict 48-74% of people will be at risk of death from .
By 2100, scientists predict 48-74% of people will be at risk of death from ropes. By 2100, scientists predict 48-74% of people will be at risk of death from a good strategy. By 2100, scientists predict 48-74% of people will be at risk of death from furries. By 2100, scientists predict 48-74% of people will be at risk of death from just rockin’ that ass. By 2100, scientists predict 48-74% of people will be at risk of death from a totally wicked bat wing. By 2100, scientists predict 48-74% of people will be at risk of death from another way to kill me.
Drones keep dropping one thousand scorpions and circular logic into prisons. Drones keep dropping security clearance and a blind, but happy, puppy into prisons. Drones keep dropping two firetrucks and both emissaries into prisons. Drones keep dropping my gratitude and peach vodka into prisons. Drones keep dropping The Super Buttsex Arena and just a little something to cap off the night into prisons. Drones keep dropping an all-female gang called the Lizzies and bitches on the love throne into prisons.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling a dictionary for swears. The driver was attacking a police car. Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like attacking a police car. Ha! You activated my trap card, “Attacking a Police Car!” You’re cursed with #1 Dad until the end of the game! I’ve got a master’s degree in Attacking a Police Car! I refuse to roleplay as anything but attacking a police car. Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw attacking a police car for the first time!
You stole literal sugar tits from a child? You’re strapping in and you’re going to hell! Come on down to Golden Corral™ for strapping in. My publisher demanded I remove strapping in from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.” My car looks like it’s strapping in but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B. I didn’t think this house would sell with customs in the attic. Anyway, I’m strapping in. Pool rules: No running. No strapping in. Keep favorable terrain out of the deep end.
Being restrained
v
There’s no reason for being restrained before breakfast. Music without the sounds of being restrained is hardly music at all. Military scientists in Syria found traces of being restrained in the soil. The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Being restrained. My new phone looks like it’s being restrained but I don’t mind. It makes calls. Don’t look at me while I’m being restrained! It messes me up!
A racist parrot
n
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a racist parrot is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. My pharmacist separated a pig on top into two parts, and carefully lowered one into a racist parrot. Ok, I’ll admit a racist parrot might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in white people and their fucking problems. As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began a racist parrot. No more a racist parrot at Starbucks. My mom picked me up a racist parrot from the thrift shop. It was the last one!
Insect legs
np
If insect legs were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape! Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with insect legs. Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of insect legstaking my shirt off. While you’re at the store can you pick up insect legs, in family size? Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get a predator removed from her and insect legs removed from me. Man invented a tiny bone fragment, so woman invented insect legs.
At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for escalating to killing and breaking down in a cheap motel room at the assembly line. Ok, I’ll admit escalating to killing might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in my pet. Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by escalating to killing. I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all escalating to killing when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird! At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in sufficient funds. That’s supposed to help me with escalating to killing?! This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of escalating to killing.
At the city council meeting I yelled “Fine! Have everywhere but Oklahoma! Some of us just want the top of my butt.” When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift the top of my butt over my head, but fluids from my face got in the way. That’s not funny. My dad was killed by the top of my butt. In Nevada you can pay for a lady teaching pseudoscience with the top of my butt. The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is the top of my butt. In my wild days I was picking at it, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with the top of my butt on the New Mexico border.
The blurry picture of the "Loch Ness monster" was actually a picture of {n}.
The blurry picture of the "Loch Ness monster" was actually a picture of a funnel. The blurry picture of the "Loch Ness monster" was actually a picture of cardiac arrest. The blurry picture of the "Loch Ness monster" was actually a picture of an iceberg. The blurry picture of the "Loch Ness monster" was actually a picture of a glass pane. The blurry picture of the "Loch Ness monster" was actually a picture of lifeless husks. The blurry picture of the "Loch Ness monster" was actually a picture of your blessed little heart.
The TSA has made new rules mandating getting a face full of crotch on every commercial flight. At the coffee shop they put “getting a face full of crotch” on my cup. I ran out covering my face. Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from getting a face full of crotch with your mom’s bathroom. Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with getting a face full of crotch! It’s all here in my manifesto! This workplace has gone (0) days without getting a face full of crotch. Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with getting a face full of crotch.
Or...
A face full of crotch
n
Until quite recently, a face full of crotch had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man. Pool rules: No running. No exact science. Keep a face full of crotch out of the deep end. Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with Samuel L. Jackson’s pubic area. So bring a face full of crotch. World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as a face full of crotch equipped with electric sex. A face full of crotch is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind. Sorry. You stole a face full of crotch from a child? You’re pulsating opposite sexes and you’re going to hell!
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of an exploding canister of whipped cream. I refuse to roleplay as anything but an exploding canister of whipped cream. During her performance, Miley Cyrus let fans touch an exploding canister of whipped cream and her butthole. Every French soldier carries an exploding canister of whipped cream in his knapsack. Military scientists in Syria found traces of an exploding canister of whipped cream in the soil. Last Christmas, everyone got an exploding canister of whipped cream under the tree and this strife in their stockings!
The express written consent of Major League Baseball
n
I need help with my computer! I downloaded the express written consent of Major League Baseball and now I’m having trouble with insurrection. My nightly ritual involves the express written consent of Major League Baseball, having no retort, and finally casting a hex just as I fall asleep. I didn’t think this house would sell with the express written consent of Major League Baseball in the attic. Anyway, I’m sexy kitty time. The southwest corner can only be killed by the express written consent of Major League Baseball. Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “The Express Written Consent of Major League Baseball” syndrome! Aron Ralston was trapped under anger and shock for 5 days. He only survived by cutting off the express written consent of Major League Baseball!
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Fake Internet Points Co., tapping into the growing market for scissoring. If you ask me, fake Internet points makes good neighbors. Thanks for fake Internet points. Now get out of my bed! I don’t need love because I’m fake Internet points. Sorry mom! I didn’t mean to start fake Internet points, it just happened! Jesus is fake Internet points.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with getting boinked. 10% of all proceeds from sales of joie de vivre will go to The Getting Boinked Foundation. Slender and muscled, like unsuspecting bystanders. She was the spitting image of getting boinked. Pool rules: No running. No getting boinked. Keep a swarm of dead insects out of the deep end. Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Getting Boinked Co., tapping into the growing market for danglin’ out there all pink and naked. Getting boinked isn’t getting old, but I sure am!
Double points!!
np
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to double points!!. Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling double points!!. The driver was organizing children to join armies. Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Double Points!! and You”. Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in double points!!. The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and double points!!. Rocky tubes inside the volcano, sometimes called double points!!, are the passages for a fat lot o’ good to flow.
Unzipping
vt
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw unzipping. Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like unzipping. I’m gonna prove the link between unzipping and lifeless husks! You’ll all see! The cruiseliner struck 35-year-old high school students and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with unzipping. A social skill is any skill facilitating unzipping with others. Ever since the incident with my shadow I’ve been haunted by unzipping.
Stick out your tongue and say, "I was born in a pile of {pc}."
Stick out your tongue and say, "I was born in a pile of beets. Mashed beets." Stick out your tongue and say, "I was born in a pile of infinite sausage." Stick out your tongue and say, "I was born in a pile of 80,000 tons of nuclear waste." Stick out your tongue and say, "I was born in a pile of welts." Stick out your tongue and say, "I was born in a pile of my arm that fell asleep." Stick out your tongue and say, "I was born in a pile of seduction."
I swear to God I have had it up to HERE with {pc}.
I swear to God I have had it up to HERE with oil-covered birds. I swear to God I have had it up to HERE with pictures of my body. I swear to God I have had it up to HERE with self-inflicted wounds. I swear to God I have had it up to HERE with other things I’ve put in my butt. I swear to God I have had it up to HERE with nudity. I swear to God I have had it up to HERE with furries.
