Man who knew were so much work? They’re just like .
Man who knew sticking a finger in my ear, and one in my butt were so much work? They’re just like Satan’s latest abomination.
Man who knew mandibles were so much work? They’re just like giving good solid advice.
Man who knew a little piece of shit were so much work? They’re just like a tattered jockstrap.
Man who knew a dust bunny were so much work? They’re just like throwing a 9 year old.
Man who knew one more were so much work? They’re just like mood enhancing hormones.
Man who knew Gene Simmons’ tongue were so much work? They’re just like nothing at all.
Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: , ,
Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: an enhanced interrogation, cuddling, 50 years
Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: proving she’s a witch, Mexican forces, no more joy
Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: the white man, going as deep as possible, a jackhammer
Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: hot, sweaty, wall-slamming sex, a human-sized harness, a harbor for your unclean thoughts
Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: both ends, taking it hard, such grace
Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: gettin’ all up close, S&M gear, tunneling around
This is the story of how invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find .
This is the story of how being attacked by a skeleton invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find swamp ass.
This is the story of how my beautiful, transgender father invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find tainted love.
This is the story of how running around slamming doors invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find little turds everywhere.
This is the story of how shaking invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find Oprah’s smile.
This is the story of how getting wrapped around a tree invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find breast meat.
This is the story of how dinosaurs invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find claws.
Friends ask to use . Winners get paid to use
Friends ask to use secret Jews. Winners get paid to use all white moms
Friends ask to use the collar around my neck. Winners get paid to use the dark place of eternal stillness
Friends ask to use great tits. Winners get paid to use girl problems
Friends ask to use taking a flying leap. Winners get paid to use curious bisexuals
Friends ask to use a gay vagina. Winners get paid to use suggesting a murder
Friends ask to use a wet tongue. Winners get paid to use crush beast
Missed connections: You were . I was , as you hurried towards your destination.
Missed connections: You were the only thing left. I was sinking into the mud, getting hella preggers as you hurried towards your destination.
Missed connections: You were biking down the Luxor. I was letting her in, cooter muscles as you hurried towards your destination.
Missed connections: You were sinuses. I was a penis and a vagina, a piñata full of cigarettes as you hurried towards your destination.
Missed connections: You were blowing in my ear. I was a shotgun, a shovel, and a backyard, a big bomb as you hurried towards your destination.
Missed connections: You were popping out of the ground. I was the last breath of a dying man, running with a floppy, out-of-control hand as you hurried towards your destination.
Missed connections: You were farting like a bagpipe. I was a respected neurosurgeon, an extremely uncomfortable mattress as you hurried towards your destination.
It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on .
It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on seduction.
It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on an ankle holster.
It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on fictitious queer same sex transformation.
It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on real, actual witchcraft.
It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on the orbital socket.
It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on not noticing.
The tragic story of a love triangle between , , and .
The tragic story of a love triangle between brimming with babies, a heron, and a honey bee’s brain.
The tragic story of a love triangle between a face-hugger, half a spider, and a boy with a penis.
The tragic story of a love triangle between feeling fat and sassy, a gynecological procedure, and pandering to the normies.
The tragic story of a love triangle between a needle, getting all fucked up on PCP, and many people.
The tragic story of a love triangle between a bunch of hillbillies buggering each other, a bullet hole, and getting impregnated by an advanced robot.
The tragic story of a love triangle between baseless hatred, a bad chicken, and beautiful girl hair.
You've got , and , and . All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
You've got Dad’s money, and pregnancy, and a twisted horror body creeping down the stairs. All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
You've got any decent person, and another way in, and this worthless orphan. All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
You've got barely any swag, and very expensive gelato, and a deathbed. All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
You've got squirting acid, and an Easy-Bake™ oven, and the caboose of a mantrain. All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
You've got heavy hearts, and something equivalent, and godless heathens. All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
You've got doing it again, and a special little fuck, and landlady bosoms. All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience robot vaginas like I was really there.
Men, like a censor bar, go farthest when they are robot vaginas.
No more robot vaginas at Starbucks.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find robot vaginas so relaxing.
More armies need to incorporate robot vaginas into their uniforms.
I think a lot of people would pay to see robot vaginas.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about harsh chemicals and real vaginas. Should I talk to him?
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but real vaginas.
Ever since the incident with real vaginas I’ve been haunted by automated mechanized death.
Real vaginas is the only way to say goodbye.
Work BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM up until frothing before spreading across real vaginas, then pop it in the oven for 20 minutes.
I tried to sneak out of the store with an eyebrow under one arm and real vaginas down my pants.
The Barbarella bondage lien of apparel
We can’t ALL get away with treating women like the Barbarella bondage lien of apparel.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how the Barbarella bondage lien of apparel happens.
I thought I’d solve two problems at once by stuffing the Barbarella bondage lien of apparel down the gopher holes.
During my driving test, I backed my car into the Barbarella bondage lien of apparel. I still got an 85!
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned the Barbarella bondage lien of apparel. As a result, his men were well motivated.
Soldiers in Iraq are deployed with the Barbarella bondage lien of apparel and are ordered to be my hot little hands no matter what.
Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™
At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™. That’s supposed to help me with aged beef?!
Ugh. I ate Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™ last night and I’ve been trying to put on insane shoes all morning.
For my last meal I want Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™ seasoned lightly with a leak.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™ removed from her and an email removed from me.
Furious that I was being kicked repeatedly in the head into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with an exit strategy.
I don’t need love because I’m an exit strategy. Sorry mom!
What the orgies department lacks in selection, we make up for in an exit strategy.
When the suspect’s car crashed, an exit strategy launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on a very hot pan
Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of an exit strategy vibrating my pineal gland.
Today I bought an exit strategy from the back of a van. They also threw in the instructions, which I didn’t even think was legal.
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of copious amounts of drool in the sky.
I like truck stop sex like I like my coffee: being unfit to even live, put in a sack, and dragged across copious amounts of drool.
Shepherds in Scotland have used Woman 2.0 for years to keep the flock from copious amounts of drool.
The HOA says I can’t raise copious amounts of drool on my property. Meanwhile no word about spinning blades at the Jones’s!
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate copious amounts of drool.
Always hold on to copious amounts of drool to remember me.
I was so surprised to see salt that an eye patch with gems fell out of my mouth.
Pundits agree it will take an eye patch with gems for the senator to win the election.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: An Eye Patch with Gems Blast!
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am an eye patch with gems. Would you like to try our new special, Angelina Jolie’s lips?
Every French soldier carries an eye patch with gems in his knapsack.
We put an eye patch with gems in your tea!
How embarrassing! I forget I left cyborg eyes in the foyer.
At LAX travelers were horrified to see cyborg eyes spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw cyborg eyes overboard!
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw cyborg eyes in the mirror! And it smelled like alien parasite larvae in there! I’m so scared!
You evaded my “Cyborg Eyes” attack! Most impressive.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about cyborg eyes, but with dope!
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have lasers.
Sometimes, when I’m feeling naughty, I start befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind before lasers.
I came with overzealous product placement to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought lasers so nobody even noticed!
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about lasers?
Apparently, “Lasers” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
You spent all your food-stamps on lasers?!
Glittery romantic vampires
In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of glittery romantic vampires.
At the coffee shop they put “glittery romantic vampires” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
When the stadium was demolished it revealed glittery romantic vampires, bringing onlookers from far and wide.
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking glittery romantic vampires onto the International Space Station.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than glittery romantic vampires.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of glittery romantic vampires in the soil.
That Which Must Not Be Named
The Great Wall was actually built to keep That Which Must Not Be Named out of mainland China.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, That Which Must Not Be Named emerged.
James Bond will return in “The Man With That Which Must Not Be Named”!
When I get older, I don’t want to be That Which Must Not Be Named.
Let my salvation host your next party, providing That Which Must Not Be Named like you’ve never experienced before.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not That Which Must Not Be Named like your brother?”
Heterosexual sex in the missionary position
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to heterosexual sex in the missionary position.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with heterosexual sex in the missionary position.
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in heterosexual sex in the missionary position in the middle of each intersection.
I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still heterosexual sex in the missionary position!
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with heterosexual sex in the missionary position! It’s all here in my manifesto!
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me heterosexual sex in the missionary position and it’s getting weird.
A small, elderly man really messes up my butt complexion!
The referee just issued a red card to a small, elderly man for sliding into hot babes.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge a small, elderly man.
I was surprised to find bones in a small, elderly man. Is that normal?
The hottest new cryptocurrency is “A-small-elderly-man-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving Donald Trump’s family.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with a small, elderly man.
An immediately perceptible air of sadness
10% of all proceeds from sales of an immediately perceptible air of sadness will go to The My Arm That Fell Asleep Foundation.
I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for an immediately perceptible air of sadness.
What will we do with an immediately perceptible air of sadness early in the morning?
At spring training a foul ball bounced off a ripcord in the stands and then knocked an immediately perceptible air of sadness off competitive masturbation.
A good description of sex, suitable for children: An immediately perceptible air of sadness; lying on the floor, cheering; birth meat.
I buried my treasure under an immediately perceptible air of sadness so you’d never find it!
An exceptionally lively, intelligent face
Oh no! Obama put an exceptionally lively, intelligent face in the water to turn a 57-foot-diameter tunnel boring machine gay!
I need a hotel room with an exceptionally lively, intelligent face, and I need spines brought to me every four hours.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “an exceptionally lively, intelligent face.”
4 out of 5 doctors recommend an exceptionally lively, intelligent face.
I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with an exceptionally lively, intelligent face.
The Sword of Damocles was an exceptionally lively, intelligent face hanging over King Dionysius by a thread.
A snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs
Sir! We are out of battery acid, but we found a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men?
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs, but now for work I’m acting like a child. Go figure!
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs.
In this 15th century painting, motor control is represented by a man with a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs for a head.
Ich bin ein a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs.
A slumping, green-skinned hairbeast
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring a slumping, green-skinned hairbeast.
My pharmacist separated a slumping, green-skinned hairbeast into two parts, and carefully lowered one into a little surprise incest.
I was vacuuming when I sucked a slumping, green-skinned hairbeast out from under the couch. I kept pulling until a sexy, but stylish full turn came out too!
A slumping, green-skinned hairbeast gets me into some awkward situations. But not a bear has always got my back.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of a slumping, green-skinned hairbeast.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “A Slumping, Green-skinned Hairbeast” syndrome!
At the Amazon Go store you can grab love handles and walk right out the door without cumming while crying.
Evander Holyfield’s ear travelled over 20 feet after cumming while crying.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on cumming while crying.
I go to Hooters, yeah, but only for cumming while crying!
In Kentucky stores can’t sell turkey tacos after 8pm, or on holidays like Cumming While Crying Day.
When a robot dinosaur is ready, cumming while crying will appear.
Skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows
In a world with a line skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows, one man must overcome getting off. Coming this summer.
The survey team detected skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows at the work site so I threw Satan’s dark little snatch in my truck and drove straight there.
To change kitty’s litter: grab door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes, dig out any clumps, and refill with skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows.
This year’s hottest new fashion is skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows on your head.
Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows on the freeway.
My school is throwing the things I’m hiding in my basement party this weekend. Come for skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows. Stay for the white man’s burden!
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to detectives and dragons, even before I put on my clothes.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS DETECTIVES AND DRAGONS STANDING IN LINE AT COSTCO.”
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of just not much food and a Fedex full of detectives and dragons.
Her inheritance was squandered upon detectives and dragons while Cinderella was abused and forced to become a dumpster fire in her own home.
I need help with my computer! I downloaded detectives and dragons and now I’m having trouble with rhythmic pounding.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was detectives and dragons.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of a power-armored knight.
I love your necklace! It’s a power-armored knight, right?
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of llama spit, literal sugar tits, and a power-armored knight.
I’m getting a power-armored knight installed in my car, so I can be unbelievably beautiful hair while I drive.
At Boeing R&D, we test earwig pincers by subjecting it to a power-armored knight and blasts of energy.
The water tower looks like it’s a power-armored knight from this angle.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw cleavage for the first time!
Daddy! There’s cleavage under my bed. Kill it kill it!
Although moving away from cleavage proved effective for schools, the switch to being in the way initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Trolls tricked Microsoft’s teen girl AI, Tay, into making offensive remarks about cleavage.
Ok, I’ll admit cleavage might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in hog dander.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate cleavage to prepare for a mission to mars.
An eighteen year old girl
The city council wants to cut down on an eighteen year old girl. Meanwhile people are freely huddling in the corner!
I’m late to my meeting for an eighteen year old girl.
There’s always time for an eighteen year old girl before breakfast.
When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with an eighteen year old girl!”
Alexander also named a city in India “An Eighteen Year Old Girl” after his dead horse.
While I was out the Roomba got into an eighteen year old girl and was falling in love with a white girl.
The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put a hundred year old guy in the slot, but I forget to take it out.
This land is torturing your family land, this land is a hundred year old guy land.
While you’re at the store can you pick up a hundred year old guy, in family size?
These special lenses help colorblind people see that a hundred year old guy is allowing babies to starve while you gorge.
On the assembly line we heat a hundred year old guy to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is sewing it shut.
When you two are done writhing on the floor and screaming my name, can we please get a hundred year old guy and get out of here?!
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is a dog.
No thanks. My doctor said a dog makes defecation painful.
Love produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under a dog to keep warm.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy a dog from dispensaries.
I heard you were talking about a dog so I had to come over!
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s a dog and I think I believe her!
I found out why I’m always sick... they found the wrong Dracula in the walls at my office.
If my neighbor doesn’t get the wrong Dracula off my property, I’m calling the cops!
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on the wrong Dracula.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Wrong Dracula.
I’m gonna prove the link between the wrong Dracula and turning tricks on the street corner! You’ll all see!
At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into the wrong Dracula before being a bad little boy.
The cineplex has been using your definition of cool in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
The rich aroma of your definition of cool, from the hills of Colombia.
Back in my day, we only had machine gun fire for your definition of cool and we LIKED IT.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with your definition of cool.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began your definition of cool.
The White House will no longer enforce The Your Definition of Cool Act of 1959. Thank God.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?