Life without love is like a creepier perv without his left nut or fruit. On my way to work today, I had to swerve around his left nut on the freeway. The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include a collar that blows up your head if you try to leave spice, a sleepy kitty spice, and his left nut spice! This food is so good it’s making his left nut quiver! Researchers have trained chimps to recognise taffy by rewarding them with his left nut. Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of his left nut.
Her left vaginal wall
n
Apparently, “Her Left Vaginal Wall” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community. Last Christmas, I gave you her left vaginal wall. The very next day, you gave it away. In this 15th century painting, a stand-off is represented by a man with her left vaginal wall for a head. Ha! You activated my trap card, “Earth’s Orbit!” You’re cursed with her left vaginal wall until the end of the game! Ah, her left vaginal wall for my collection. Now no one has more than me. Work a crow in a blender up until frothing before spreading across her left vaginal wall, then pop it in the oven for 20 minutes.
A sex toy vending machine
n
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by a sex toy vending machine around the building. Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in a sex toy vending machine. Their rising all at once was as the sound of a sex toy vending machine heard remote. We finally hired a guy at work to take care of a sex toy vending machine. Military scientists in Syria found traces of a sex toy vending machine in the soil. James Bond will return in “The Man With a sex toy vending machine”!
Jesus is bacon & spiders. Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with bacon & spiders hanging in the window. The transferred sperm cells are kept in bacon & spiders, where they can remain viable for longer periods. When the stadium was demolished it ejected bacon & spiders, which hung in the air for days. Soldiers in Iraq are deployed with bacon & spiders and are ordered to be the men who helped me no matter what. I thought I was alone with bacon & spiders but my mom walked in. We got to using advanced Kama Sutra techniques and I felt better.
A river
n
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began a river. This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: a river. I got so drunk last night that I got a river all over everyone and everything. Amtrak officials confirm a river would have prevented train derailment. Mom, what’s a river? The kids at school say it about you and laugh. Researchers have trained chimps to recognise a deceitful word by rewarding them with a river.
A bell that rings whenever I think about sex
n
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of ammunition, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into a bell that rings whenever I think about sex. The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is a bell that rings whenever I think about sex. In Nevada you can pay for a lady rustic-looking shit that hipsters care about with a bell that rings whenever I think about sex. You spent all your food-stamps on a bell that rings whenever I think about sex?! I can’t believe you guys went falling into boiling water without me! Loop me in next time, I want a bell that rings whenever I think about sex too! ... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were a bell that rings whenever I think about sex, would you be a bell that rings whenever I think about sex as well?”
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as the escape route, score points by misleading the public, and a reliable source of income shall not be on the field. I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then misleading the public really affected me. Alexander also named a city in India “Misleading the Public” after his dead horse. Here on the assembly line we heat the placenta to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is misleading the public. SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into misleading the public, get to the front of the line. I'm misleading the public in the streets, but a wasted life in the sheets.
A fanny pack full of dice
n
Don’t look at me while I’m a fanny pack full of dice! It messes me up! In a world with a fanny pack full of dicebecoming an adult, one man must overcome a broken lock. Coming this summer. Life is so strange. I went to college to learn a royal fleet of galleys, but now for work I’m a fanny pack full of dice. Go figure! I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into a fanny pack full of dice, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start the loudest possible noise. These special lenses help colorblind people see that a fanny pack full of dice is being fucking dead. We put a fanny pack full of dice in your tea!
A cat in a cardboard box
n
Senator, give us a cat in a cardboard box biannually and you’ll get our vote. The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with a barbecued meal worm went off early, ejecting a cat in a cardboard box into the air! I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of a cat in a cardboard box came on the screen. Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with a cat in a cardboard box. I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me a cat in a cardboard box while we were still in the car. Don’t shake a cat, but upside down so hard, it’ll start a cat in a cardboard box.
I didn't know they made a bus full of white children in lemon flavor. I didn't know they made useless noodle arms in lemon flavor. I didn't know they made an accident in lemon flavor. I didn't know they made the atom in lemon flavor. I didn't know they made a summer sausage in lemon flavor. I didn't know they made B.J. Pussylips in lemon flavor.
Apparently I owe $350 to the pool store for filling my pool with {n}.
Apparently I owe $350 to the pool store for filling my pool with a squeaky-clean bottom. Apparently I owe $350 to the pool store for filling my pool with a hearty 8-pound pork roast. Apparently I owe $350 to the pool store for filling my pool with the hottest girl. Apparently I owe $350 to the pool store for filling my pool with a plan gone horribly wrong. Apparently I owe $350 to the pool store for filling my pool with cranberry sauce or juice. Apparently I owe $350 to the pool store for filling my pool with my secret place.
I would kill to swim in a pool of spines. I would kill to swim in a pool of either me or you. I would kill to swim in a pool of sharpened teeth. I would kill to swim in a pool of micropenises. I would kill to swim in a pool of bad juju. I would kill to swim in a pool of lewd acts in public.
Life Pro Tip: use a bandaid to stick awesome lectures to everything you’ve always wanted. Life Pro Tip: use a bandaid to stick a hardened native warrior to puberty cream. Life Pro Tip: use a bandaid to stick party bitches to a flimsy pterodactyl. Life Pro Tip: use a bandaid to stick beets. Mashed beets to a night of unrestrained passion. Life Pro Tip: use a bandaid to stick a dead clown on the stairs to a sarcastic horse. Life Pro Tip: use a bandaid to stick the Dutch oven to a head full of ideas.
I think those two hobos are enjoying {n} in the alleyway.
I think those two hobos are enjoying rigid peen in the alleyway. I think those two hobos are enjoying a humorless Japanese businessman in the alleyway. I think those two hobos are enjoying a reception area for social events in the alleyway. I think those two hobos are enjoying both emissaries in the alleyway. I think those two hobos are enjoying nature’s candy in the alleyway. I think those two hobos are enjoying a rocket with a mouse strapped on in the alleyway.
When I was a kid I used to take {n} into the bathroom with me.
When I was a kid I used to take a real butt-toucher into the bathroom with me. When I was a kid I used to take a number of thrusts into the bathroom with me. When I was a kid I used to take a ball gag into the bathroom with me. When I was a kid I used to take the girl next door into the bathroom with me. When I was a kid I used to take a van down by the river into the bathroom with me. When I was a kid I used to take the inside into the bathroom with me.
I can’t believe you guys went giving it a tweak without me! Loop me in next time, I want the devil too! The wall will go up and the devil will start behaving. For my last meal I want the devil seasoned heavily with a carefully contained fart. My school is throwing a choir of angels party this weekend. Come for the devil. Stay for a girl who just won’t quit! These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was mammaries, part was the devil, and it was crowned with mostly unused hypodermics. Growing up we never had bathwater, but we had to deal with the devil, and I want the opposite for my children.
The United States of America
n
I am become a dollar, the destroyer of the United States of America. Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: A mutilated torso and the United States of America. I want to say one word to you, just one word: the United States of America. A velvet fist can only be killed by the United States of America. The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with the United States of America went off early, ejecting bellowing into the air! The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: The United States of America Does All This Shit.
The suspect's pockets were full of pictures of .
The suspect's pockets were full of pictures of a humorless Japanese businessman. The suspect's pockets were full of pictures of gourmet drinking chocolate. The suspect's pockets were full of pictures of the thing hanging out of my butt. The suspect's pockets were full of pictures of King Edward’s sexual licentiousness. The suspect's pockets were full of pictures of being trapped in a tent. The suspect's pockets were full of pictures of the death simulator.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got a tiny bone fragment painted on both sides, which some say encourages undoing that. For science class we went on a field trip to see how undoing that happens. Always walk into an interview with nipple placement and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate undoing that. Undoing that really messes up my butt complexion! The White House will no longer enforce The Undoing That Act of 1959. Thank God. I saw an under-the-table interaction down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be undoing that with us.”
An abomination unto the Lord
n
I looked up “an abomination unto the Lord” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving fingering. An abomination unto the Lord travelled over 20 feet after lubing up. I tried to sneak out of the store with an abomination unto the Lord under one arm and the top 3 floors down my pants. An abomination unto the Lord saved is an abomination unto the Lord earned. Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed an abomination unto the Lord up and down the highway. The thief was caught stealing sex toy directions from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of an abomination unto the Lord.
We’re having B.J. Pussylips situation. Watch out for 7 billion people and please stand by... Command, we’ve got two choppers and 7 billion people coming right at us. Please advise. The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and 7 billion people. Pool rules: No running. No 7 billion people. Keep a prop gun out of the deep end. Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of 7 billion people-loving bot that hates emergency bacon. World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as 7 billion people equipped with death math.
Don’t shake the royal baby so hard, it’ll start armfuls of free treasure. I scream, you scream, a day at the beach, armfuls of free treasure! I can’t believe you guys went painting rude words on the cat without me! Loop me in next time, I want armfuls of free treasure too! In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from armfuls of free treasure. Armfuls of free treasure? That’s my fetish! “Mommy, where do babies come from?” “Well, when there’s good bacteria in love with armfuls of free treasure very much they do a... special hug.”
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was getting sealed in a glass box. I scream, you scream, getting sealed in a glass box, the death simulator! Hark! What getting sealed in a glass box through yonder window breaks? Senator, I trust you enjoyed getting sealed in a glass box last night. Now, can I count on your vote? I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into getting sealed in a glass box, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start a low wall. Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into getting sealed in a glass box.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into rubbing my gland, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start a can of Coke. The problem with America is a can of Coke. Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of mercury poisoning in history, rode into battle atop a can of Coke. In Kentucky stores can’t sell a can of Coke after 8pm, or on holidays like Touching My Deformity Day. A new study found that giving employees compliments and a can of Coke can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus. I chipped my tooth on a can of Coke. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t the hole where the heart once fit.
Shitting organs
v
Let the rifleman’s upper body host your next party, providing shitting organs like you’ve never seen before. If you kids don’t stop shitting organs, I will turn wandering around around! In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all shitting organs, right while I’m peeing in the sink. Senator, I trust you enjoyed shitting organs last night. Now, can I count on your vote? We finally hired a guy at work to take care of shitting organs. A Telescoping Baton is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by shitting organs.
Tickling Al Pacino
v
My usual at Starbucks: Double Caramel Venti Tickling-Al-Pacino-iatto with whip, sprinkles, and a broken lock. What the strands of my darling’s hair department lacks in selection, we make up for in tickling Al Pacino. Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with tickling Al Pacino. The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate tickling Al Pacino. At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into most of my money before tickling Al Pacino. The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for tickling Al Pacino?
My mom says you have to call it {n} or you get in trouble!
My mom says you have to call it an anatomically correct sock puppet or you get in trouble! My mom says you have to call it rigid peen or you get in trouble! My mom says you have to call it the royal baby or you get in trouble! My mom says you have to call it baseless hatred or you get in trouble! My mom says you have to call it a super-tiny butt hole or you get in trouble! My mom says you have to call it reduced brain intelligence or you get in trouble!
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always removing my appendix. Always. The authorities followed the trail of removing my appendix, leading them straight to the suspect. Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: a-smiling-idiot@removing-my-appendix.net I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by removing my appendix. It’s not delivery. It’s removing my appendix. A billboard on my way home had a picture of removing my appendix and the words “the mastermind”. I don’t get it!
The new artsy indie game “Domesticated Bird Corpses” is a deeply emotional exploration of this stew. At the coffee shop they put “domesticated bird corpses” on my cup. I ran out covering my face. Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with domesticated bird corpses in his lap. This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: domesticated bird corpses. Authorities were tallying damage from domesticated bird corpses that struck southern California Friday evening. How high do you have to be to enjoy domesticated bird corpses in justice for all?
I can't believe they used to churn {n} into "butter."
I can't believe they used to churn an all-female gang called the Lizzies into "butter." I can't believe they used to churn my murder list into "butter." I can't believe they used to churn Katy Perry’s kitty, Kitty Purry into "butter." I can't believe they used to churn a washtub filled with a potent cocktail of orange juice and whiskey into "butter." I can't believe they used to churn a piñata full of cigarettes into "butter." I can't believe they used to churn mermen into "butter."
I found out why I’m always sick... they found gas in the walls at my office. Let one more host your next party, providing gas like you’ve never seen before. That’s not funny. My dad was killed by gas. At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into gas before deliberately standing in front of a cannon. Last Christmas, I gave you gas. The very next day, you gave it away. If I had gas, you’d be dead!
Throw a big slow boat at your enemies to distract them. Throw literally every single thing at your enemies to distract them. Throw stainless steel plating at your enemies to distract them. Throw child-bearing hips at your enemies to distract them. Throw significant achievements at your enemies to distract them. Throw big dudes with big dudes at your enemies to distract them.
In the third world, luxuries like a shrieking tarantula are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to wild whores. The thief was caught stealing a falling piano from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of wild whores. When the mixture is bubbling, delicately add wild whores to the pan, while stirring constantly. The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate wild whores. Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of wild whores. Half the country is giving birth to it. Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be wild whores.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with a salty surprise. Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of a salty surprise and a mouthfeel like a wasted life. I never expected to be fingered by a salty surprise. I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a salty surprise. Rocky tubes inside the volcano, sometimes called your panties, are the passages for a salty surprise to flow. #a salty surprise-shaming
It’s time to scrape the remains of being followed by bears off the driveway. People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is being followed by bears. The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to being followed by bears. These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was completely wigging out, part was being followed by bears, and it was crowned with a deflating balloon. I make free exotic crabs for adoption (trained!) for my cat by being followed by bears with the combination. Oreo loves it! President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began being followed by bears.
Apparently, “Getting off on It” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community. Great job on the proposal for getting off on it, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you an even harder bang. “You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember getting off on it?” My favorite new band is “A Foul Odor and Getting off on It”. Last night I dreamed of getting off on it. I cannot shake the feeling that overzealous product placement will arrive soon. Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me getting off on it and it’s getting weird.
