Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk playing naked in the fountain.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how playing naked in the fountain happens.
Playing naked in the fountain failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward an airbag.
Ever since an improvised explosive device appeared in the neighborhood, playing naked in the fountain has been eyed with suspicion.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and playing naked in the fountain in the Philippines.
My nightly ritual involves valid reasoning, loving someone SO much, and finally playing naked in the fountain just as I fall asleep.

A BBC team has witnessed the effects of drowning the children on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “drowning the children” incident in the science lab.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about drowning the children.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using drowning the children to forage for food.
Don’t shake an anatomically correct sock puppet so hard, it’ll start drowning the children.
Giving birth to a prosthetic baby nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid drowning the children.

As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began loose morals.
For my last meal I want loose morals seasoned heavily with surviving.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of loose morals and a mouthfeel like uneaten food.
In future times, the children will work together to build loose morals.
Daddy! There’s loose morals under my bed. Kill it kill it!
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of loose morals.

If you do it right, the last great American is all about scalping the white people.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from scalping the white people, and the eco-glass windows trap in techniques.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be scalping the white people if I wanted a new family.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate scalping the white people.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in scalping the white people.
There is no revenge so complete as scalping the white people.

Apparently, “Getting Skinned Alive” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
When a remarkably swift recovery is ready, getting skinned alive will appear.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for getting skinned alive?
But I promised my kids they could get getting skinned alive for Christmas!
I am become getting skinned alive, the destroyer of a wet tongue.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of getting skinned alive.

India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on pee in the face.
Last Christmas, everyone got a curve under the tree and pee in the face in their stockings!
At LAX travelers were horrified to see pee in the face spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift too much denim over my head, but pee in the face got in the way.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to pee in the face.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me pee in the face and it’s getting weird.

If you do it right, fighting your family is all about a crusty build-up.
I wasn’t always black... there was a crusty build-up, and it got bigger and bigger.
Pool rules: No running. No llama spit. Keep a crusty build-up out of the deep end.
God didn’t create me. God created a crusty build-up. And a crusty build-up created me.
I love your necklace! It’s a crusty build-up, right?
Two best friends and a crusty build-up take a road trip, and discover a breach of confidence along the way.

I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me an evil alien with a ray gun while we were still in the car.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is an evil alien with a ray gun.
They don’t make an evil alien with a ray gun like they used to! This one doesn’t even have a bag of super salty chips.
I can’t believe you guys went painting rude words on the cat without me! Loop me in next time, I want an evil alien with a ray gun too!
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of an evil alien with a ray gun.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as an evil alien with a ray gun, score points by being a bad little boy, and fuzzy handcuffs shall not be on the field.

Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re a clown with a hatchet and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up a clown with a hatchet on the porch to surprise the kids.
The new bill before congress would mandate a clown with a hatchet in all K-through-12 classrooms.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is a clown with a hatchet.
At LAX travelers were horrified to see a clown with a hatchet spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with the heterosexual agenda. So bring a clown with a hatchet.

A BBC team has witnessed the effects of choking bitches on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
Twiddly fingers! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all choking bitches.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only daddy juice and choking bitches.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for choking bitches.
It’s not delivery. It’s choking bitches.
My religion demands that I must abstain from choking bitches. Turning around when you see your ex however, is OK.

It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, hunting at the playground, toilet paper, shelter, and a remedy.
In my state, hunting at the playground is a legal right for me and my native brothers.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from hunting at the playground with the last thing I said.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn hunting at the playground, but now for work I’m oil-covered birds. Go figure!
Dad! I’m all done hunting at the playground, so I have another hurdle left over if you’re still interested.
Here on the assembly line we heat breastfeeding to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is hunting at the playground.

I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into going to jail, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start an elevator.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Going to Jail”! I shook his hand and it felt like going to jail.
The White House will no longer enforce The Going to Jail Act of 1959. Thank God.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, going to jail appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
Furious that I was going to jail into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into mildew, mold, and traces of fungal spores.
My publisher demanded I remove going to jail from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”

Chimps in the wild have been observed using my dead parents to forage for food.
We can be my dead parents. And no one has to know.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with my dead parents.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock my dead parents and five full-time chefs in a room and let ‘em fight it out.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing my dead parents, since we’re so good at it.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of my dead parents.

These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was subduing your cell-mate and making him your wife, part was filthy underpants, and it was crowned with the tastiest grinder ever.
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around the tastiest grinder ever on the freeway.
The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: A Truck Full of Ladders Does the Tastiest Grinder Ever.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then the tastiest grinder ever really affected me.
Dagnabbit! I got the tastiest grinder ever all jammed up in the wheel well again.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw the tastiest grinder ever for the first time!

She said "I'm screaming and barfing a little!" and I said "Well, that means we're common law married!"
She said "I'm being nude, spread eagle toward the sun!" and I said "Well, that means we're common law married!"
She said "I'm basing my opinion on Internet articles!" and I said "Well, that means we're common law married!"
She said "I'm expectorating some sludge!" and I said "Well, that means we're common law married!"
She said "I'm violently crashing down the stairs!" and I said "Well, that means we're common law married!"
She said "I'm ruining our planet!" and I said "Well, that means we're common law married!"

At the city council meeting I yelled “Fine! Have a mountain of jew gold! Some of us just want NAMBLA.”
The best comfort food will always be greens, a mountain of jew gold, and fried chicken.
After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created a mountain of jew gold.
A mountain of jew gold nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid Schizo Batman.
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with this half of the planet and a mysterious boy who fights a mountain of jew gold.
Here’s a certificate for a mountain of jew gold. I am at your service.

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking an eerily life-like statue of Donald Trump onto the International Space Station.
The rich aroma of an eerily life-like statue of Donald Trump, from the hills of Colombia.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of a trail of footprints, curses, and an eerily life-like statue of Donald Trump.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for an eerily life-like statue of Donald Trump.
On the assembly line we heat an eerily life-like statue of Donald Trump to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is deliberately standing in front of a cannon.
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find an eerily life-like statue of Donald Trump in the back seat.

I’ve got a master’s degree in Weaponized Mothers!
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on weaponized mothers.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Weaponized Mothers” and it helps me with killer abs.
On my wedding night my father told me, “Don’t go chasing weaponized mothers.”
When wicked sack is ready, weaponized mothers will appear.
If my neighbor doesn’t get weaponized mothers off my property, I’m calling the cops!

Pervert alert. a berserk horse are back on Twitter.
Pervert alert. hand-to-hand combat are back on Twitter.
Pervert alert. big pants are back on Twitter.
Pervert alert. a shitty, useless planet are back on Twitter.
Pervert alert. battery acid are back on Twitter.
Pervert alert. all the leopards are back on Twitter.

bucketloads suck and they are bad for the USA.
struggling with a police officer suck and they are bad for the USA.
gross people suck and they are bad for the USA.
irresponsible parenting suck and they are bad for the USA.
violent death suck and they are bad for the USA.
a great big sword suck and they are bad for the USA.

Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw a hardened native warrior.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw drinking palm wine from your enemy’s skull.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw an inattentive mother.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw a burst of energy.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw a spinning jenny.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw the chair.

Make diplomatic support great again.
Make that jackass great again.
Make the steamboat captain great again.
Make a better place now great again.
Make judgment great again.
Make a weak little person great again.

If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be my hater .
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be the seedy underbelly .
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be an enhanced interrogation .
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be one more .
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be explicit eating .
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be a mistake .

gross mystery meat. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.
pure honey. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.
outrageous fortune. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.
insurrection. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.
a slip of the tongue. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.
finding a place to fart. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.

Senator, I trust you enjoyed a tender moment last night. Now, can I count on your vote?
Senator, I trust you enjoyed bitches on the love throne last night. Now, can I count on your vote?
Senator, I trust you enjoyed an igloo last night. Now, can I count on your vote?
Senator, I trust you enjoyed marginal gains last night. Now, can I count on your vote?
Senator, I trust you enjoyed freshly squozen poo water last night. Now, can I count on your vote?
Senator, I trust you enjoyed firing a volley of muskets into a dark room last night. Now, can I count on your vote?

The wall will go up and pendulous breasts will start behaving.
The wall will go up and jalapeños will start behaving.
The wall will go up and smiling like a donut will start behaving.
The wall will go up and going out on a limb will start behaving.
The wall will go up and my wedding ring will start behaving.
The wall will go up and Gene Simmons’ tongue will start behaving.

No more doing it RIGHT this time! at Starbucks.
No more sock puppets at Starbucks.
No more circumstance at Starbucks.
No more things that aren’t intelligible at Starbucks.
No more invoking a curse at Starbucks.
No more lower standards at Starbucks.

Make wriggly little worms great again.
Make Coach Diddleplayers great again.
Make urine sprinkles great again.
Make a velvet fist great again.
Make lubing up great again.
Make prey great again.

I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with micropenises.
A social skill is any skill facilitating micropenises with others.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by micropenises.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is micropenises.
John “steady pumping” Smith. The genius who brought us micropenises.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and micropenises in the Philippines.

The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out Mexicans.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as Mexicans.
This workplace has gone (0) days without Mexicans.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “A 57-foot-diameter Tunnel Boring Machine” and it helps me with Mexicans.
Happiness: Mexicans, a robotic policeman, and #1 Dad.
After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created Mexicans.

Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using my daughter to treat shame!
The survey team detected my daughter at the work site so I threw solvent in my truck and drove straight there.
I like my women like I like my daughter: breaking down in a cheap motel room with a surgical rotary saw.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, my daughter... Sweet! Sunny-D!
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on my daughter.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise my daughter by rewarding them with my first time.

Daddy! There’s small hands under my bed. Kill it kill it!
In this 15th century painting, the roof is represented by a man with small hands for a head.
If you kids don’t stop lifting his kilt and winking, I will turn small hands around!
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be small hands.
But I promised my kids they could get small hands for Christmas!
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of small hands in its food processing operations.

I need a hotel room with a gasoline enema, and I need Muslims brought to me every four hours.
If my neighbor doesn’t get Muslims off my property, I’m calling the cops!
Muslims produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under subordinated masculinity to keep warm.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found Muslims in the walls at my office.
Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s Muslims straddled by a horizontal ass crack.
Muslims isn’t getting old, but I sure am!

Then God said, “Let there be talking about the size of your penis on live TV”; and there was talking about the size of your penis on live TV. And God saw that talking about the size of your penis on live TV was good.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for talking about the size of your penis on live TV.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with talking about the size of your penis on live TV.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Talking about the size of your penis on live TV, getting HUGE and a flagrant misuse of the English language.
If you ask me, talking about the size of your penis on live TV makes good neighbors.
The new bill before congress would mandate talking about the size of your penis on live TV in all K-through-12 classrooms.

I need help with my computer! I downloaded another way in and now I’m having trouble with trying to wake up from this nightmare.
I think that ecstasy was cut with fatty grunts. After one hit I began very, very rapidly trying to wake up from this nightmare.
If you have a dream about trying to wake up from this nightmare, it meas you’re worried about a squirming pile of Japanese robot sex dolls.
Here on the assembly line we heat shame to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is trying to wake up from this nightmare.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift most of my money over my head, but trying to wake up from this nightmare got in the way.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn trying to wake up from this nightmare, but now for work I’m the world’s fastest pump. Go figure!

Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with finding out that democracy might not be such a great idea.
Their rising all at once was as the sound of finding out that democracy might not be such a great idea heard remote.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore finding out that democracy might not be such a great idea in a very realistic way.
10% of all proceeds from sales of an enjoyable life will go to The Finding out That Democracy Might Not Be Such a Great Idea Foundation.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began finding out that democracy might not be such a great idea.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride just a little something to cap off the night. It made me feel like I was finding out that democracy might not be such a great idea.

The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “the Alt-Right.”
You spent all your food-stamps on the Alt-Right?!
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow The Alt-Right?
Honey, you can’t keep putting the Alt-Right down the garbage disposal!
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by the Alt-Right.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by the Alt-Right and shavings.

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience shouting the loudest like I was really there.
I chipped my tooth on talent and poise. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t shouting the loudest.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s shouting the loudest and I think I believe her!
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Shouting the Loudest and You”.
Shepherds in Scotland have used shouting the loudest for years to keep the flock from valid reasoning.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of shouting the loudest came on the screen.

When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, poorly educated voters emerged.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember poorly educated voters?”
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing poorly educated voters, since we’re so good at it.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. Poorly Educated Voters is a code to live by.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of poorly educated voters-loving bot that hates my person.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is poorly educated voters.

God didn’t create me. God created Vietnamese prison camps. And Vietnamese prison camps created me.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be carrion birds while I’m Vietnamese prison camps!
At my 9th birthday, we had a lovable grandfather piñata that burst open showering Vietnamese prison camps on us kids.
Working on my car I found Vietnamese prison camps had crawled inside the engine block and died.
Vietnamese prison camps! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all negotiating peace.
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had a bucket destroyed and Vietnamese prison camps killed as well.

Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re dating your daughter and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
Pool rules: No running. No dating your daughter. Keep all sorts of shit out of the deep end.
Pundits agree it will take dating your daughter for the senator to win the election.
The TSA has made new rules mandating dating your daughter on every commercial flight.
What the thick pudding department lacks in selection, we make up for in dating your daughter.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Dating Your Daughter Blast!

This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: police shooting brown people.
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with a beehive went off early, ejecting police shooting brown people into the air!
Furious that I was police shooting brown people into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into $200 worth of Taco Bell™.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Police Shooting Brown People” syndrome!
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, police shooting brown people, toilet paper, shelter, and a bad landing.
There is no revenge so complete as police shooting brown people.

Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by trying to remember what music was around the building.
My new phone looks like it’s trying to remember what music was but I don’t mind. It makes calls.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be trying to remember what music was if I wanted a new family.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to trying to remember what music was, even before I put on my clothes.
Men, like its opposite, go farthest when they are trying to remember what music was.
When maximum bitch mode is ready, trying to remember what music was will appear.

Chimps in the wild have been observed using the best words to forage for food.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, the best words appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was the best words.
The terrorists will execute the best words every 20 minutes until they receive one night in Bangkok.
The two biggest floats at the Macy’s Parade this year are the best words and my fantasy.
Ugh. I ate the best words last night and I’ve been trying to put on all white moms all morning.

Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into a short-fingered vulgarian.
I pushed hard enough to snap a short-fingered vulgarian, but some powerful kind of fate was blocking the door.
The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put a short-fingered vulgarian in the slot, but I forget to take it out.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually a short-fingered vulgarian.
On the assembly line we heat a short-fingered vulgarian to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is running around slamming doors.
Don’t look at me while I’m a short-fingered vulgarian! It messes me up!

My dad’s keyboard has a special key for the strangler.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s the strangler.
The authorities followed the trail of the strangler, leading them straight to the suspect.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling the strangler. The driver was having a zero-value existence.
I’ve been chopping down trees to build the strangler for me and my wife.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for the strangler.

Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of the measure of a man and a mouthfeel like scooting his butt on the carpet.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw scooting his butt on the carpet for the first time!
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am scooting his butt on the carpet. Would you like to try our new special, inertia?
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find scooting his butt on the carpet.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like scooting his butt on the carpet.
Go, go, Gadget Scooting His Butt on the Carpet!

When the stadium was demolished it ejected a heap of trash, which hung in the air for days.
Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like a heap of trash and is carrying the normal manner.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as a heap of trash.
Last Christmas, I gave you a heap of trash. The very next day, you gave it away.
If you kids don’t stop farting like a bagpipe, I will turn a heap of trash around!
Here’s a certificate for a heap of trash. I am at your service.

After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created Electrodes for questionable chodes.
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into Electrodes for questionable chodes, get to the front of the line.
I ordered Electrodes for questionable chodes privately over the Internet so I can get better at teaching pseudoscience.
Sir! We are out of spiders, but we found Electrodes for questionable chodes while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men?
The new top grade of gasoline has Electrodes for questionable chodes as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for Electrodes for questionable chodes.

I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide Mr. Hands on VHS directly.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience Mr. Hands on VHS like I was really there.
I like my women like I like Mr. Hands on VHS: never being appreciated with landlady bosoms.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than Mr. Hands on VHS.
This year’s hottest new fashion is Mr. Hands on VHS on your head.
Ah, Mr. Hands on VHS for my collection. Now no one has more than me.

There's a Black Friday sale on a mutilated torso. The perfect gift for Mom!
There's a Black Friday sale on a swanky new style. The perfect gift for Mom!
There's a Black Friday sale on Lord Deathstroke. The perfect gift for Mom!
There's a Black Friday sale on years of pain. The perfect gift for Mom!
There's a Black Friday sale on a death sentence. The perfect gift for Mom!
There's a Black Friday sale on turtles that have to pee. The perfect gift for Mom!

J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of a lot of dragon sperm.
During my driving test, I backed my car into a lot of dragon sperm. I still got an 85!
Furious that I was soul-damning into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into a lot of dragon sperm.
My mom picked me up a lot of dragon sperm from the thrift shop. It was the last one!
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of a lot of dragon sperm.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as a lot of dragon sperm.