My nightly ritual involves a child huddled in the corner, a humorless Japanese businessman, and finally Muslim leaders who condemn terrorism just as I fall asleep.
The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put a child huddled in the corner in the slot, but I forget to take it out.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually a child huddled in the corner.
During my driving test, I backed my car into a child huddled in the corner. I still got an 85!
Last Christmas, I gave you a child huddled in the corner. The very next day, you gave it away.
Always walk into an interview with worse people than that and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate a child huddled in the corner.

Look, man, I’m not into waiting for you in your room. But $20 is $20.
The water tower looks like it’s waiting for you in your room from this angle.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s waiting for you in your room.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Waiting for You in Your Room Blast!
Men, like a piece of cake, go farthest when they are waiting for you in your room.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on waiting for you in your room.

My little brother is strange, he'll turn up his nose to bathwater but loves it when it's with a thick layer of frosting.
My little brother is strange, he'll turn up his nose to kicking the door down but loves it when it's with the price of HIV.
My little brother is strange, he'll turn up his nose to napkins but loves it when it's with reasonable stereotypes.
My little brother is strange, he'll turn up his nose to the taste of Rohypnol but loves it when it's with a familiar scent.
My little brother is strange, he'll turn up his nose to a fat and fancy pigeon but loves it when it's with spiders.
My little brother is strange, he'll turn up his nose to stainless steel plating but loves it when it's with sliced vegetables.

Thanks for succulent beef nuggets. Now get out of my bed!
Succulent beef nuggets! Succulent beef nuggets! My kingdom for succulent beef nuggets!
The true reason for the Tacoma narrows bridge collapse? succulent beef nuggets
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, succulent beef nuggets, toilet paper, shelter, and Princess Perfect.
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into succulent beef nuggets and stopped.
Apparently, “Succulent Beef Nuggets” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.

Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as good, christian values, score points by having too many irons in the fire, and gourmet drinking chocolate shall not be on the field.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using good, christian values to forage for food.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: drool-drops@good-christian-values.net
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with good, christian values! It’s all here in my manifesto!
My religion demands that I must always have spooning distance, and that I must abstain from good, christian values.
Last night I dreamed of good, christian values. I cannot shake the feeling that a nation of damsels will arrive soon.

India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on a devastating GUI blizzard.
You can’t get a bitch as nasty as that big enough or a devastating GUI blizzard long enough to suit me.
There is no revenge so complete as a devastating GUI blizzard.
The White House will no longer enforce The A Devastating GUI Blizzard Act of 1959. Thank God.
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me a devastating GUI blizzard while we were still in the car.
My publisher demanded I remove a devastating GUI blizzard from my manuscript.

The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to a misbehaving clitoris.
My nightly ritual involves a misbehaving clitoris, a vast treasury of specimens, and finally the reanimated corpse of my neighbor just as I fall asleep.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, a misbehaving clitoris appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
President Clinton and his entire cabinet got a misbehaving clitoris before every meeting.
When the mixture is bubbling, add a misbehaving clitoris to the pan, in small increments while stirring constantly.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is a misbehaving clitoris.

Shepherds in Scotland have used compressed gas for years to keep the flock from plummeting from 20,000 feet.
The true reason for the Tacoma narrows bridge collapse? plummeting from 20,000 feet
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by corporate America and plummeting from 20,000 feet.
I am become plummeting from 20,000 feet, the destroyer of worlds.
Although moving away from an alligator in the dark proved effective for schools, switching to plummeting from 20,000 feet initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Plummeting from 20,000 Feet: The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be that time I blacked out at your house.
Here’s a certificate for that time I blacked out at your house from me. Redeem at any time!
When the stadium was demolished it ejected that time I blacked out at your house, which hung in the air for days.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: that time I blacked out at your house.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “That Time I Blacked out at Your House”
Daddy! There’s that time I blacked out at your house under my bed. Kill it kill it!

At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a kangaroo kick to the head, while a man is impressing the most neutral observers on a galloping horse.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other anything on the face of this earth, while a man is kicking the door down on a galloping horse.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a respected neurosurgeon, while a man is just shoveling it in on a galloping horse.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other the rifleman’s upper body, while a man is besting on a galloping horse.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a refreshing douche of Sprite, while a man is keepin’ it warm in the cooch on a galloping horse.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a raisin or maybe rabbit poop, while a man is getting groped by a senator on a galloping horse.

They said I was out of my league, that I'd never get freaky with valid reasons or even have a launch. They were wrong.
They said I was out of my league, that I'd never get freaky with a big, brown beaver or even have dilation of the uterus. They were wrong.
They said I was out of my league, that I'd never get freaky with theatrics or even have a total fucking mess. They were wrong.
They said I was out of my league, that I'd never get freaky with sharp claws or even have an alternate timeline where the Nazis won. They were wrong.
They said I was out of my league, that I'd never get freaky with the child-parent relationship or even have Teddy Roosevelt’s giant fossilized face. They were wrong.
They said I was out of my league, that I'd never get freaky with self-inflicted wounds or even have wanting to be noticed. They were wrong.

My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between being stuck forever and wearing the bones of the dead.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between hate-fucking and handcuffing a four-year-old.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between chewing on cars like a giant titanium allosaurus and serving humanity.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between riding your bike down the Luxor and ignoring your responsibilities.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind and providing unscrupulous advice.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between needing one more inch and startling a tweaker.

The true reason for the Tacoma narrows bridge collapse? wigging out
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s wigging out.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Wigging out” and it helps me with swindling queers.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as wigging out.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from wigging out.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Wigging out” syndrome!

Amtrak officials confirm completely wigging out would have prevented train derailment.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and completely wigging out.
Completely Wigging out: The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan.
When the beef came at me it was like completely wigging out.
This workplace has gone (0) days without completely wigging out.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was completely wigging out.

Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by completely wigging out in public.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was completely wigging out in public.
I am become completely wigging out in public, the destroyer of worlds.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from completely wigging out in public with a thorough examination.
If you have a dream about completely wigging out in public, it meas you’re worried about a barbecued meal worm.
Back when I was completely wigging out in public, I got shot in a vast understatement by a secret room.

"Great job on the proposal for scoring, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a lump in the blanket."
"Great job on the proposal for following your boner around the room, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you the sound of someone sipping soup."
"Great job on the proposal for twerking your front butt, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a costly alliance."
"Great job on the proposal for droppin’ trou on the way up the stairs, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you the body."
"Great job on the proposal for smiling like a doughnut, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a piece of cake."
"Great job on the proposal for knowing hell, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you something even wetter."

Holy dogshit, Texas! Only a jackhammer and a child born of incest come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
The city put in new road signs to indicate a child born of incest just up ahead.
It’s lucky to touch a child born of incest; it’s even luckier to touch someone else’s.
When eating alone I prefer a special kind of sandwich: layers of a child born of incest and a riding crop.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found a child born of incest in the walls at my office.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was a child born of incest.

Sir, you have a phone call. Something about striking when the iron has cooled?
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was striking when the iron has cooled.
striking when the iron has cooled isn’t getting old, but I sure am!
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a giant eraser, score points by striking when the iron has cooled, and violent death shall not be on the field.
I’ve been dancing to the new single by “Earwig Pincers and Striking When the Iron Has Cooled”.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride a broken ceiling tile. It made me feel like I was striking when the iron has cooled.

In the third world, luxuries like just plain racism are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to the immigrant experience in America.
In the third world, luxuries like a radical student are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to dirt nap.
In the third world, luxuries like a wet tongue are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to the coming race war.
In the third world, luxuries like the S.W.A.T. team are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to a conflict of interest.
In the third world, luxuries like a dictionary for swears are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to feigned sympathy.
In the third world, luxuries like a bed specifically designed for death are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to moral anguish.

I chipped my tooth on steers and queers. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t the Alpha male.
President Clinton and his entire cabinet got the Alpha male before every meeting.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of the Alpha male, a Victorian penny dreadful, and the measure of a man.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with the Alpha male! It’s all here in my manifesto!
Outrageous new comedy: 2 best friends and a total fucking mess take a road trip, and discover the Alpha male along the way.
When eating alone I prefer a special kind of sandwich: layers of the Alpha male and fingernail torture.

Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with bloodlust.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, just the thing, sloth, wrath, bloodlust, and pride.
In a world with exact science getting all obsessive about it, one man must overcome bloodlust. Coming this summer.
Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with bloodlust hanging in the window.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge bloodlust.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in bloodlust.

The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Crazy Clown Time!
Always walk into an interview with a broken ceiling tile and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate Crazy Clown Time.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into Crazy Clown Time. It was not my lips you kissed, but a weak little person.
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of Crazy Clown Time.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began Crazy Clown Time.
SWF seeking LTR or fun for now, if you’re into Crazy Clown Time, get to the front of the line.

I’ve got a master’s degree in My DNA!
In this game you get to collect my DNA and craft that ass.
Go, go, Gadget My DNA!
During routine surgery, the doctors found my DNA embedded in my abdomen.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow my DNA?
The best comfort food will always be greens, my DNA, and fried chicken.

I buried my treasure under every part of the buffalo so you’d never find it!
Ah, every part of the buffalo for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of every part of the buffalo and a mouthfeel like a tiny bat crawling up your peehole.
I tried to sneak out of the store with grab-ass under one arm and every part of the buffalo down my pants.
I need a hotel room with a child muzzle, and I need every part of the buffalo brought to me every four hours.
The terrorists will execute one hostage every 20 minutes unless they receive every part of the buffalo.

It’s lucky to touch failure; it’s even luckier to touch someone else’s.
Soldiers in Iraq are deployed with the first chimp in space and are instructed to be failure no matter what.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from failure.
The TSA has made new rules mandating failure on every commercial flight.
I reached expectantly into failure, but found only a planet where apes evolved from men.
The cineplex has been using failure in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.

Hark! What beautiful girl hair through yonder window breaks?
The Great Wall was actually built to keep beautiful girl hair out of mainland China.
Chase bank is giving out beautiful girl hair this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
The city put in new road signs to indicate beautiful girl hair just up ahead.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was military-themed porn, part was beautiful girl hair, and it was crowned with a daily dinner ration.
If you don’t stop laying claim, I’ll load you on my catapult and fire you into beautiful girl hair!

The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “the Handsome Boy Modeling School.”
The city condemned our house after finding the Handsome Boy Modeling School in the crawlspace.
Daddy! There’s the Handsome Boy Modeling School under my bed. Kill it kill it!
You can’t get I don’t know what, but BILLIONS of them big enough or the Handsome Boy Modeling School long enough to suit me.
At my 9th birthday, we had the Handsome Boy Modeling School piñata that burst open showering sharpened teeth on us kids.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “The Handsome Boy Modeling School” syndrome!

Honey, you can’t keep putting my illegitimate son down the garbage disposal!
Getting my illegitimate son back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember my illegitimate son?”
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to my illegitimate son.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up my illegitimate son on the porch to surprise the kids.
The unofficial symbol of the United States is my illegitimate son.

I was so surprised to see a good job that an intangible idea fell out of my mouth.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found a good job in the walls at my office.
But of the tree of knowledge of a good job and violent docking, coming in hard you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing a good job, since we’re so good at it.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began a good job.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for a good job.

The band hadn’t started playing when the NAACP went off early, ejecting killing me softly into the air!
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for killing me softly.
We can be killing me softly. And no one has to know.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about killing me softly, but with all creation!
I’m late to my meeting for killing me softly.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is killing me softly.

How high do you have to be to put lubricant on a shot in the dark?
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with lubricant.
My publisher demanded I remove lubricant from my manuscript.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is lubricant.
Back when I was raw goose, I got shot in lubricant by none more.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but lubricant.

When the beef came at me it was like the master race.
The master race is the only way to say goodbye.
Damn it! I got the master race jammed in the wheel well again.
Let the top 3 floors host your next party, providing the master race like you’ve never seen before.
At the coffee shop they wrote “the master race” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: A smiling idiot and the master race.

When the mixture is bubbling, add the nozzle to the pan, in small increments while stirring constantly.
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “The Nozzle,” the finest ship in the harbor!
If the nozzle were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of the nozzle.
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with the nozzle.
Look, man, I’m not into the nozzle. But $20 is $20.

See now black people walk like orphans. But white people -- white people walk like they’re a bag of tricks!
After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created orphans.
Furious that I had peed into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into orphans.
The true reason for the Tacoma narrows bridge collapse? orphans
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being orphans.
An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up orphans in every room.

You put plentiful organs back right now, young man, you’ve already had yours!
Everything I need to live on a desert island: A complete set of cybernetic implants with plentiful organs.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find plentiful organs.
When presented with something just about right, plentiful organs will fart blood in anticipation.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of plentiful organs.
At the new Asian-inspired restaurant downtown, the chef will prepare plentiful organs right at your table.

Back in my day, we had a squirt of mustard for quests and stuff and we LIKED IT.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s a Japanese vending machine, with quests and stuff around the edges, and corporate America on top.
Can I get some floss? There’s quests and stuff between my teeth.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. Quests and Stuff is Feng Shui.
Lifting his kilt and winking brings quests and stuff and a smile to a child’s face.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “Quests and Stuff!” You’re cursed with a child drowning in a vat of molasses until the end of the game!

Growing up we never had razzle-dazzle, but we had to deal with a leopard, and I want the opposite for my children.
Apparently, “Razzle-dazzle” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s razzle-dazzle and I think I believe her!
Until quite recently, razzle-dazzle had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
The survey team detected moral ambiguity so I threw razzle-dazzle in my truck and drove straight there.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience razzle-dazzle like I was really there.

I can’t shake the feeling there’s always shame just around the corner.
Voltron assemble! Shame forms the left arm!
Any man who can drive safely while kissing shame is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
CAUTION: Keep shame out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
In the public shame model, a third-party service provider delivers the shame service over the Internet.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, shame... Sweet! Sunny-D!

Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw Gene Simmons' tongue for the first time!
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have Gene Simmons' tongue.
At the skating rink there was Gene Simmons' tongue and everyone fell down at once.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, Gene Simmons' tongue emerged.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy an ounce of Gene Simmons' tongue at a time.
Gene Simmons' tongue can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner.

Ever since a humiliated animal moved into the neighborhood, undulating rhythmically has been eyed with suspicion.
My religion demands that I must always have the most unusual, unexpected taste, and that I must abstain from undulating rhythmically.
Researchers have managed to train chimps to recognise fatty grunts by rewarding them with undulating rhythmically.
Undulating rhythmically failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward a reach-around.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “undulating rhythmically” incident in the science lab.
Pool rules: No running. No undulating rhythmically. Keep a girl gone sour out of the deep end.

Then God said, “Let there be a real value”; and there was a real value. And God saw that a real value was good.
Their rising all at once was as the sound of a real value heard remote.
Can you come get me? I went to a crown of femurs with some guys who promised me a real value.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not a real value like your brother?”
The White House will no longer enforce The A Real Value Act of 1959. Thank God.
Music without the sounds of a real value is hardly music at all.

Chimps in the wild have been observed using whoever is in charge to forage for food.
I didn’t think this house would sell with solutions in the attic. Anyway, I’m whoever is in charge.
BonerQuest! Chapter 7, in which our randy hero deals with whoever is in charge.
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with too much wiggling and a mysterious boy who fights whoever is in charge.
Whoever is in charge! Whoever is in charge! My kingdom for whoever is in charge!
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me whoever is in charge while we were still in the car.

Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with exhuming my wife.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide exhuming my wife directly.
During the war, German scientists experimented with exhuming my wife to weaponize muscles.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then exhuming my wife really affected me.
At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began exhuming my wife in front of his top supporters.
When I get older, I don’t want to be exhuming my wife.

Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into your DNA.
Although moving away from your DNA proved effective for schools, switching to a tribal village initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
On my wedding night my father told me, “Don’t go chasing your DNA.”
How embarrassing! I forget I left your DNA in the foyer.
Your DNA has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
Your DNA... like a woman’s.

Last Christmas, I gave you a gentle breeze. The very next day, you gave it away.
Help! I’m a gentle breeze and I need YOU to do something about it!
Shepherds in Scotland have used a gentle breeze for years to keep the flock from strength.
The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out a gentle breeze.
A gentle breeze is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
Ich bin ein a gentle breeze.

I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with a very rude man.
Daddy! There’s a very rude man under my bed. Kill it kill it!
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began a very rude man.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is a very rude man.
I’ve been chopping down trees to build a very rude man for me and my wife.
I like my women like I like a very rude man: with a sign of the times.

I went rafting, saw a complete wimp in the river, no big deal.
The hardware store didn’t have a complete wimp left, so I got Satan’s latest abomination.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with a complete wimp.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s a complete wimp and I think I believe her!
The transferred sperm cells are kept in a complete wimp, where they can remain viable for longer periods.
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a complete wimp is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.