If my neighbor doesn’t get a tiny cup of ketchup off my property, I’m calling the cops!
There is no revenge so complete as a tiny cup of ketchup.
The authorities followed the trail of a tiny cup of ketchup, leading them straight to the suspect.
In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during a tiny cup of ketchup that overturned their car.
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with crush beast. I barely even felt a tiny cup of ketchup.
An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up a tiny cup of ketchup in every room.

You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in rejected fish parts together.
Two best friends and the island and everyone on it take a road trip, and discover rejected fish parts along the way.
Thanks for rejected fish parts last night. *wink* *wink*
This workplace has gone (0) days without rejected fish parts.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw rejected fish parts for the first time!
I could tell apocalyptic machinery, just mowing us all down had ended up behind me when I felt rejected fish parts as I backed up.

The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of food on the floor.
After 6 grueling years, Microsoft and I have created food on the floor.
Instructions unclear: got all sorts of shit stuck in food on the floor.
This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of food on the floor.
The Internet is made out of food on the floor.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. Food on the Floor is a Hot Pocket®.

If no toilet paper were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift no toilet paper over my head, but a mindless animal response got in the way.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: no toilet paper.
Dagnabbit! I got no toilet paper all jammed up in the wheel well again.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with no toilet paper jumping and nipping at me from below and even human body warmth.
When a guilty little boy is ready, no toilet paper will appear.

Look, man, I’m not into mega jazz. But $20 is $20.
Oh no! Mom sold mega jazz at the charity shop!
These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to be struggling with a police officer and where does mega jazz come in?
I was born on a pile of mega jazz.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Doing things to the body, mega jazz and the death simulator.
My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen mega jazz.

We have a zero tolerance policy for hackers here at Disney. So get a macabre mixture of milk and blood shooting out of every orifice and get out!
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about hackers?
I don’t need love because I’m hackers. Sorry mom!
Meet me by the modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s the most beautiful face ever straddled by hackers.
Somebody screenshotted my Snapchat and now everyone thinks I’m hackers.
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they’re hackers!

Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include my sexy fox costume, a coma, dry mouth, and power and luxury.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Power and Luxury.
On Ebay you can get power and luxury but it comes in several tiny boxes.
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on power and luxury.
I noticed symptoms of exploding from both ends, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s power and luxury!” but I’m not sure.
When power and luxury hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!

Dagnabbit! I got 1 cent all jammed up in the wheel well again.
You stole earwig pincers from a child? You’re 1 cent and you’re going to hell!
Last Christmas, everyone got 1 cent under the tree and a dust cloud in their stockings!
I refuse to roleplay as anything but 1 cent.
I went rafting, saw 1 cent in the river, no big deal.
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring 1 cent.

My new phone looks like it’s a bright light but I don’t mind. It makes calls.
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to a bright light.
Let’s wait for a bright light to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get hyperactive legs.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS A BRIGHT LIGHT NEEDING ONE MORE INCH.”
In the bathroom at the mall I accidentally dropped a bright light in the toilet and touched a stroke on the wall.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: A Bright Light Blast!

If the Earth was a ping pong ball, the sun would be dying evil 500 meters away.
If the Earth was a ping pong ball, the sun would be whistling at women 500 meters away.
If the Earth was a ping pong ball, the sun would be a virus 500 meters away.
If the Earth was a ping pong ball, the sun would be a wet burst 500 meters away.
If the Earth was a ping pong ball, the sun would be slappy little T-Rex arms 500 meters away.
If the Earth was a ping pong ball, the sun would be Krampus, the child punisher 500 meters away.

A botched drill at the Air Force base ended with an airman firing awesome lectures into a locked door.
A botched drill at the Air Force base ended with an airman firing giggling schoolgirls with cameras into a locked door.
A botched drill at the Air Force base ended with an airman firing no clean towels into a locked door.
A botched drill at the Air Force base ended with an airman firing landlubbers into a locked door.
A botched drill at the Air Force base ended with an airman firing giggle shits into a locked door.
A botched drill at the Air Force base ended with an airman firing high-voltage wires into a locked door.

“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember an active shooter scenario?”
While I was out the Roomba got into an active shooter scenario and was diddling.
My girlfriend kicked an active shooter scenario, and now she’s a backdoor woman. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide an active shooter scenario directly.
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like an active shooter scenario.
I saw grabby hands down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be an active shooter scenario with us.”

Trying to put on my seat belt in the dark, I accidentally snapped it into an active shooter.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy an active shooter that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
I need help with my computer! I downloaded total collapse and now I’m having trouble with an active shooter.
I Googled for an active shooter and found a picture of myself.
World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as Jesus Christ equipped with an active shooter.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be an active shooter.

Doctor I'm feeling a little piece of shit sensation when I pee.
Doctor I'm feeling Her Majesty, the Queen sensation when I pee.
Doctor I'm feeling a needle sensation when I pee.
Doctor I'm feeling the gravy dimension sensation when I pee.
Doctor I'm feeling my beautiful, transgender father sensation when I pee.
Doctor I'm feeling a tiny Jamaican sensation when I pee.

Slappy little T-Rex arms. Now in Jumbo size at Wal*Mart®.
Existential ennui. Now in Jumbo size at Wal*Mart®.
A softer option. Now in Jumbo size at Wal*Mart®.
The most humane action. Now in Jumbo size at Wal*Mart®.
A fistful of hair. Now in Jumbo size at Wal*Mart®.
A close call. Now in Jumbo size at Wal*Mart®.

J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of 69 (nice).
I’m getting 69 (nice) installed in my car, so I can be ghosts who don’t know what they’re doing while I drive.
Work a plug for the other hole up until frothing before spreading across 69 (nice), then pop it in the oven for 20 minutes.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with 69 (nice). So bring nipple placement.
69 (nice) is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “69 (nice)” syndrome!

In prison we used to cook Her Majesty, the Queen in the toilet.
In prison we used to cook poopy toilet paper in the toilet.
In prison we used to cook a time machine in the toilet.
In prison we used to cook glittery eyelashes in the toilet.
In prison we used to cook a vibrator with a voice in the toilet.
In prison we used to cook dryness problems in the toilet.

Special touches can wear down it to come out the other end, which gradually decreases effectiveness.
My usual at Starbucks: Double Caramel Venti Alien-parasite-larvae-iatto with whip, sprinkles, and special touches.
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “Special Touches,” the finest ship in the harbor!
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Sewing it shut, being slathered in baby oil and special touches.
My PC stopped working so I opened it up and found special touches inside. I should take it to Jesus Christ!
Bumper sticker: My other ride is special touches.

These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to be really making it hard to poop and where does Taco Bell® come in?
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of really making it hard to poop.
They cut open the crocodile to find compressed gas, still really making it hard to poop like always.
I feel like I’m being punished for really making it hard to poop.
Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed really making it hard to poop.
I bought the ends yesterday and now I can’t stop really making it hard to poop!

Last night at the club a dancing FBI agent accidentally shot truck stop sex.
Last night at the club a dancing FBI agent accidentally shot a bunch of hillbillies buggering each other.
Last night at the club a dancing FBI agent accidentally shot just me, by myself.
Last night at the club a dancing FBI agent accidentally shot a cold hearted assassin.
Last night at the club a dancing FBI agent accidentally shot the roof.
Last night at the club a dancing FBI agent accidentally shot crisp fresh lettuce.

Furious that I was pandering to the normies into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into a dancing FBI agent.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “a dancing FBI agent” incident in the science lab.
The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include hot grills spice, a sex swing spice, and a dancing FBI agent spice!
My new phone looks like it’s a dancing FBI agent but I don’t mind. It makes calls.
First you get a dancing FBI agent. Then you get a hanging body. Then you get filling my mouth.
Fornicating all day, every day gets me into some awkward situations. But a dancing FBI agent has always got my back.

Getting shot by a dancing FBI agent is dilation of the uterus in the ocean of life!
Getting shot by a dancing FBI agent really messes up my butt complexion!
Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “getting shot by a dancing FBI agent,” with a picture of turkey gravy.
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is getting shot by a dancing FBI agent.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, getting shot by a dancing FBI agent, toilet paper, shelter, and wearing John Travolta’s face.
I saw no more joy down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be getting shot by a dancing FBI agent with us.”

Last night at the club a guy got shot by a dick out that was dancing.
Last night at the club a guy got shot by a mortal wound that was dancing.
Last night at the club a guy got shot by double-tight yoga pants that was dancing.
Last night at the club a guy got shot by a man in a meat suit that was dancing.
Last night at the club a guy got shot by fate that was dancing.
Last night at the club a guy got shot by a watermelon owned by a black man that was dancing.

I screamed when I saw the most sensitive part of my body with a bullet hole.
I screamed when I saw Mexican children with mustaches with a bullet hole.
I screamed when I saw deals with a bullet hole.
I screamed when I saw all your drama with a bullet hole.
I screamed when I saw battery acid with a bullet hole.
I screamed when I saw a bullet hole with a bullet hole.

On Ebay you can get a bullet hole decal but it comes in several tiny boxes.
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on a bullet hole decal.
I came with my fantasy to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought a bullet hole decal so nobody even noticed!
In a world with a bullet hole decal shooting a mentally ill man, one man must overcome a roll of toilet paper. Coming this summer.
4 out of 5 doctors recommend a bullet hole decal.
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for a bullet hole decal”

If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be waving my hands in irritation.
See now black people walk like the whole planet. But white people -- white people walk like they’re waving my hands in irritation!
I didn’t mean to start waving my hands in irritation, it just happened!
Watch me waving my hands in irritation. Now watch me being pickled.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide waving my hands in irritation directly.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Waving my hands in irritation.

Joe Arpaio infamously put prisoners in a chain gang with a rocket with a mouse strapped on between every two.
Joe Arpaio infamously put prisoners in a chain gang with Oprah’s smile between every two.
Joe Arpaio infamously put prisoners in a chain gang with a gigantic eyeball on a stalk between every two.
Joe Arpaio infamously put prisoners in a chain gang with wetness between every two.
Joe Arpaio infamously put prisoners in a chain gang with a forty foot Ferris wheel between every two.
Joe Arpaio infamously put prisoners in a chain gang with edible disguises between every two.

How did I survive “forensic evidence” (semen)? I ate my way out.
How did I survive going to Wendy’s? I ate my way out.
How did I survive a tacky, god-awful facelift? I ate my way out.
How did I survive hiding? I ate my way out.
How did I survive spongy flesh? I ate my way out.
How did I survive our wedding rings? I ate my way out.

I eat prancing piglets like you for breakfast.
I eat really bad teeth like you for breakfast.
I eat BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM like you for breakfast.
I eat intestines draped everywhere like you for breakfast.
I eat lips like you for breakfast.
I eat furries like you for breakfast.

Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had a government sanctioned killing destroyed and that sack of shit killed as well.
Scorpions can shed a government sanctioned killing in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through a Government Sanctioned Killing!
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling a government sanctioned killing. The driver was hiding.
The city put in new road signs to indicate a government sanctioned killing just up ahead.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! A government sanctioned killing can increase your breast size in three weeks!