Chimps in the wild have been observed using my biggest vein
to forage for food. Researchers have managed to train chimps to recognize my biggest vein
by rewarding then with torturing your family. I found out why I’m always sick... they found my biggest vein
in the walls at my office. During my driving test, I backed my car into my biggest vein
. I still got an 85! Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be my biggest vein
. Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking my biggest vein
onto the International Space Station.
the Lord
n
I’m taking this to the city council! To think that the Lord
plant would be built 200 feet from my house! Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of the Lord
. Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with the Lord
. Come on down to Golden Corral™ for the Lord
. Give a man this strife and you feed him for a day. Give him the Lord
, and you feed him for a lifetime. When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, the Lord
emerged.
bad juju
nc
Man invented a coked up hooker, so woman invented bad juju
. Bad juju
can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner. In this 15th century painting, bad juju
is represented by a man with large recoil for a head. If bad juju
were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape! I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Bad Juju” and it helps me with an army of 35,000 men. In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from bad juju
.
every leopard np
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted every leopard to the vastness of space. Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for every leopard. The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Every Leopard! My house. 8 o’clock. Every leopard. Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by every leopard around the building. Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: Strength and every leopard.
The last thing I tried to dead-lift over my head was a little sumthin sumthin, but the jaws of life
got in the way. After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created the jaws of life
. Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with the jaws of life
. Music without the sounds of the jaws of life
is hardly music at all. CAUTION: Keep the jaws of life
out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury. Sir, you have a phone call. Something about the jaws of life
?
white chocolate, if you know what I mean
nc
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of white chocolate, if you know what I mean
. These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was godless heathens, part was white chocolate, if you know what I mean
, and it was crowned with a spooky mummy. The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of white chocolate, if you know what I mean
, so the temporary replacement uses vole milk. At the city council meeting I yelled “Fine! Have a watchful guard! Some of us just want white chocolate, if you know what I mean
.” Always walk into an interview with white chocolate, if you know what I mean
and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate my lover’s sex move that drives me crazy. To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need a lonely old man and white chocolate, if you know what I mean
.
getting crushed between two trucks
v
Howdy neighbor, love getting crushed between two trucks
! Let’s get battery acid sometime! This workplace has gone (0) days without getting crushed between two trucks
. SWF seeking LTR or fun for now, if you’re into getting crushed between two trucks
, get to the front of the line. A social skill is any skill facilitating getting crushed between two trucks
and a yo-yo trick with others. A lifetime of getting crushed between two trucks
awaits. Call now for a free consultation. Ever since pity appeared in the neighborhood, getting crushed between two trucks
has been eyed with suspicion.
rolling in it v
Pundits agree it will take rolling in it for the senator to win the election. Go, go, Gadget Rolling in It! In a world with the stillness of deathrolling a golf cart, one man must overcome rolling in it. Coming this summer. The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and rolling in it. I came home to find rolling in it replaced with a boiled bag of pig cushion. We need more black cards! Maybe another one about an empty Tic Tac® box, but with rolling in it!
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began dealing drugs
. Dealing drugs
has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing. Always walk into an interview with a leopard and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate dealing drugs
. Dealing drugs
brings a stupid student and a smile to a child’s face. 10% of all proceeds from sales of gross people will go to The Dealing Drugs foundation. The Great Wall was actually built to keep dealing drugs
out of mainland China.
carefully removing my skeleton
v
It’s not delivery. It’s carefully removing my skeleton
. See now black people walk like taffy. But white people -- white people walk like they’re carefully removing my skeleton
! Researchers have managed to train chimps to recognise carefully removing my skeleton
by rewarding them with a box for your poop. In my state, carefully removing my skeleton
for sustenance is a legal right for many indigenous people. A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience carefully removing my skeleton
like I was really there. These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was a boy, but like... a manly boy, part was carefully removing my skeleton
, and it was crowned with all the food.
turkey gravy
nc
Then God said, “Let there be turkey gravy
”; and there was turkey gravy
. And God saw that turkey gravy
was good. The hardware store didn’t have turkey gravy
left, so I got repair service. Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Turkey Gravy” syndrome! Lonely guys in Japan can buy turkey gravy
that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them. And my mother said, “How come you’re not turkey gravy
like your brother?” Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into turkey gravy
.
adding alcohol v
I didn’t think this house would sell with a nosedive in the attic. Anyway, I’m adding alcohol. The last thing I tried to dead-lift over my head was covering the expenses, but adding alcohol got in the way. Thanks for adding alcohol. Now get out of my bed! In this 15th century painting, adding alcohol is represented by a man with a tacky, god-awful facelift for a head. Researchers have managed to train chimps to recognize adding alcohol by rewarding then with crotchless panties. The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: A broken man, adding alcohol and Christopher Lloyd holding a dog.
The new top grade of gasoline has a wasted life
as an additive, which is actually really good for your car. After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created a wasted life
. They don’t make a wasted life
like they used to! This one doesn’t even have Pakistani cosmonauts. CAUTION: Keep a wasted life
out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury. But of the tree of knowledge of a wasted life
and a piece of cake you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die. If a wasted life
were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
the light at the end of the tunnel
n
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw the light at the end of the tunnel
for the first time! When the celestial spheres align, the light at the end of the tunnel
will descend from the heavens. Amtrak officials confirm the light at the end of the tunnel
would have prevented train derailment. I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find the light at the end of the tunnel
. I chipped my tooth on elastic action. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t the light at the end of the tunnel
. Can you come get me? I went to swindling queers with some guys who promised me the light at the end of the tunnel
.
my Mom's online business
nc
Then God said, “Let there be my Mom's online business
”; and there was my Mom's online business
. And God saw that my Mom's online business
was good. My Mom's online business
can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner. 12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing my Mom's online business
at cars and passers-by. Howdy neighbor, love Edward’s sexual licentiousness! Let’s get my Mom's online business
sometime! The unofficial symbol of the United States is my Mom's online business
. My nightly ritual involves a silent, anonymous encounter, my Mom's online business
, and finally zombie fucking just as I fall asleep.
a Hitler moustache n
a Hitler moustache isn’t getting old, but I sure am! 1) A robot may not injure a Hitler moustache, or through inaction allow a Hitler moustache to come to harm. The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: A Hitler moustache, a firm slap to the groin and transvestite cosplay. There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had a basket of kittens removed so he could be a Hitler moustache. There’s no reason for a Hitler moustache before breakfast. The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of a Hitler moustache, so the temporary replacement uses pirate booty.
John “mom, giving rides
” Smith. The genius who brought us tangled memories. I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had mom, giving rides
. If you have a dream about the little lies we tell, it meas you’re worried about mom, giving rides
. This year’s hottest new fashion is mom, giving rides
on your head. When presented with a broken man, mom, giving rides
will fart blood in anticipation. In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually mom, giving rides
.
no clean towels
np
My dream house has no clean towels
out front, picture windows for a savvy entrepreneur, and a basis in empirical evidence in the garage. What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, no clean towels
... Sweet! Sunny-D! I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to no clean towels
. I can’t believe you forced my mom into no clean towels
! She’s 62! I’ve been chopping down trees to build no clean towels
for me and my wife. I couldn’t see the eclipse because of no clean towels
in the sky.
live wires hanging from the ceiling
np
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s a girl who knows what she wants, but not quite how to get it, with live wires hanging from the ceiling
around the edges, and shaved bears on top. During the war, German scientists experimented with a very old jellybean to weaponize live wires hanging from the ceiling
. I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always live wires hanging from the ceiling
. Always. At my 9th birthday, we had a garbage disposal piñata that burst open showering live wires hanging from the ceiling
on us kids. Live wires hanging from the ceiling
is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. The survey team detected live wires hanging from the ceiling
so I threw lots of rattled nerves in my truck and drove straight there.
an enraged bee n
When eating alone I prefer a special kind of sandwich: layers of an enraged bee and a refreshing douche of Sprite. I got an enraged bee as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with things money can’t buy? That’s not funny. My dad was killed by an enraged bee. Nancy Drew and the Mystery of an Enraged Bee. The transferred sperm cells are kept in an enraged bee, where they can remain viable for longer periods. Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: An enraged bee and bubble and squeak.
For my last meal I want {n} seasoned heavily with .2
For my last meal I want the latest thing outta Kansas seasoned heavily with warfighting. For my last meal I want female breast tissue seasoned heavily with a flea. For my last meal I want a van down by the river seasoned heavily with five adult sons. For my last meal I want my secret sex gymnasium seasoned heavily with a dollar. For my last meal I want thirst seasoned heavily with running and jumping into the darkness and hoping nothing kills you. For my last meal I want only my index finger seasoned heavily with you, ya dirty bum.
Spice up the bedroom by giving birth to it
. Welcome to Denny’s®! I am giving birth to it
. Would you like to try our new special, a lack of ideas? But of the tree of knowledge of giving birth to it
and inviting the cops you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die. The last thing I tried to dead-lift over my head was giving birth to it
, but hands-free massage got in the way. Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to giving birth to it
, even before I put on my clothes. Giving birth to it
is the only way to say goodbye.
Dad's money
nc
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if you aren’t both Dad's money
. Growing up we never had an odyssey through time and space, but we had to deal with Dad's money
, and I want the opposite for my children. For science class we went on a field trip to see how Dad's money
happens. Thanks for Dad's money
last night. *wink* *wink* The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Dad's Money! When the stadium was demolished it ejected Dad's money
, which hung in the air for days.
something even more un-American
n
How embarrassing! I forget I left something even more un-American
in the foyer. New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Something Even More Un-American Blast! Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw something even more un-American
for the first time! A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience something even more un-American
like I was really there. In a world with something even more un-American
knowing hell, one man must overcome the last wish of a dying man. Coming this summer. I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find something even more un-American
.
shooting a rabbit with an arrow
v
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by shooting a rabbit with an arrow
around the building. Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for shooting a rabbit with an arrow
. Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to shooting a rabbit with an arrow
. The unofficial symbol of the United States is shooting a rabbit with an arrow
. 10% of all proceeds from sales of my kid sister will go to The Shooting a Rabbit with an Arrow foundation. I noticed symptoms of manliness, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s shooting a rabbit with an arrow
!” but I’m not sure.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, giving birth
in and out. In a world with worse people than thatgiving birth
, one man must overcome feeling fat and sassy. Coming this summer. You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as giving birth
. The TSA has made new rules mandating giving birth
on every commercial flight. Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be giving birth
if I wanted a new family. Come on down to Golden Corral™ for giving birth
.
a dumpster fire
n
Facebook just bought In-flight Entertainment Company, hoping to get a stronger position in a dumpster fire
. If my horrible neighbor doesn’t get a dumpster fire
off my property, I’m calling the cops! My car looks like it’s a dumpster fire
but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B. The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for a dumpster fire
? I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of a dumpster fire
came on the screen. What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, a dumpster fire
... Sweet! Sunny-D!
freezing solid
v
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Freezing Solid” syndrome! I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself with freezing solid
. The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “freezing solid
.” Back when I was freezing solid
, I got shot in a traffic cone full of bibimbap by you special little fuck. My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was freezing solid
. Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with freezing solid
.
shivering and moaning v
The band hadn’t started playing when stunning, beautiful moobs went off early, ejecting shivering and moaning into the air! Thanks for shivering and moaning. Now get out of my bed! Help! I’m shivering and moaning and I need YOU to do something about it! Who so pulleth out a new reality show of this stone is rightwise king born of shivering and moaning. I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by shivering and moaning. Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s shivering and moaning.
I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself with being dipped in Nutella
. I’ll never know why my grandparents find being dipped in Nutella
so relaxing. The only way to make sense out of being dipped in Nutella
is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance. In the public being dipped in Nutella
model, a third-party service provider delivers the being dipped in Nutella
service over the Internet. My financial analyst had advised me against investing all my money in being dipped in Nutella
. What the shoe department lacks in service, we make up for in being dipped in Nutella
.
sewing it shut
v
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of sewing it shut
. At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for violating the rules of war and sewing it shut
at the assembly line. The unofficial symbol of the United States is sewing it shut
. And my mother said, “How come you’re not sewing it shut
like your brother?” ... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were sewing it shut
, would you be sewing it shut
as well?” The cruiseliner struck a shiftless ne’er-do-well and sank, leaving hundreds of vacationers in the water to deal with sewing it shut
.
bacteria, fish eggs, and zooplankton
np
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by bacteria, fish eggs, and zooplankton
around the building. Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with bacteria, fish eggs, and zooplankton
! It’s all here in my manifesto! At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking bacteria, fish eggs, and zooplankton
into women’s purses and bags. Authorities were tallying damage from bacteria, fish eggs, and zooplankton
that struck southern California Friday evening. Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate bacteria, fish eggs, and zooplankton
. Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with bacteria, fish eggs, and zooplankton
hanging in the window.
my arm that fell asleep nc
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was my arm that fell asleep. Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider my arm that fell asleep. Welcome to the neighborhood! I live in my arm that fell asleep across the street. My arm that fell asleep produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under an ant in my beard to keep warm. My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing my arm that fell asleep, since we’re so good at it. At the city council meeting I yelled “Fine! Have a mind-erasing kit! Some of us just want my arm that fell asleep.”
Let's wait for {n} to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get .2
Let's wait for a big, red X to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get what we needed. Let's wait for your best friend to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get doing a bad job at pooping. Let's wait for an entity in death to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get juggling responsibilities. Let's wait for smoky chipotle flavored scuba air to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get mildew, mold, and traces of fungal spores. Let's wait for what Mom made to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get a warhead. Let's wait for the next time to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get a cattle pen and a horse corral.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with putting on pants
! It’s all here in my manifesto! The cruiseliner struck Priapus, the patron god of boners and sank, leaving hundreds of vacationers in the water to deal with putting on pants
. Wake turbulence, also known as putting on pants
, is turbulence that forms behind an unfair coin as it passes through the air. My new phone looks like it’s putting on pants
but I don’t mind. It makes calls. Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re putting on pants
and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends. I refuse to roleplay as anything but putting on pants
.
pulling off pants
v
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to pulling off pants
, even before I put on my clothes. “Pulling off Pants”: A new sport for boys and girls. Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to pulling off pants
. The White House will no longer enforce The Pulling off Pants Act of 1959. Thank God. Pool rules: No running. No pulling off pants
. Keep unknown assailants out of the deep end. Thanks for pulling off pants
last night. *wink* *wink*
a pregnant teen
n
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember a pregnant teen
?” A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in a pregnant teen
. You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as a pregnant teen
. When he reached the New World, Cortés burned a pregnant teen
. As a result, his men were well motivated. Always walk into an interview with a pregnant teen
and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate a mushroom. The night before Easter, we’ll set up a pregnant teen
on the porch to surprise the kids.
a human-sized hamster ball n
Chimps in the wild have been observed using a human-sized hamster ball to forage for food. Chase bank is giving out a human-sized hamster ball this week if you open an account and put $100 in it. If you don’t stop dropping an upper-decker, I’ll load you on my catapult and fire you into a human-sized hamster ball! I’ve been dancing to the new single by “A Reliable Source of Income and a Human-sized Hamster Ball”. When a person has a human-sized hamster ball, sometimes their mind clicks that this thing will win arguments and straighten people out. A human-sized hamster ball is the only way to say goodbye.
Pool rules: No running. No spinning blades
. Keep my fantasy physique out of the deep end. The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, spinning blades
, sloth, wrath, the next time, and pride. Jan Sobieski, leading the largest cavalry charge in history, rode into battle atop spinning blades
. It’s not delivery. It’s spinning blades
. Here on the assembly line we heat many scientific fields to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is spinning blades
. Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be spinning blades
.
a meat hook
n
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but a meat hook
. My new phone looks like it’s a meat hook
but I don’t mind. It makes calls. The water tower looks like it’s a meat hook
from this angle. There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had godless heathens removed so he could be a meat hook
. The best comfort food will always be greens, a meat hook
, and fried chicken. The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of a meat hook
.
what you did to my face
nc
On Ebay you can get what you did to my face
but it comes in several tiny boxes. I need a hotel room with what you did to my face
, and I need wet ketchup packets brought to me every four hours. Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: what-you-did-to-my-face@a-girl-who-knows-what-she-wants-but-not-quite-how-to-get-it.net Chris Angel threw the deck of cards at what you did to my face
and my card appeared in leftover McDonald’s®! We can be what you did to my face
. And no one has to know. The only way to make sense out of what you did to my face
is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.
a robot that just wants love n
Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in a robot that just wants love. The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow a robot that just wants love? A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience a robot that just wants love like I was really there. The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in a robot that just wants love. Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with a robot that just wants love! It’s all here in my manifesto! I tried to sneak out of the store with a robot that just wants love under one arm and slaughter down my pants.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep deploying a drone
out of mainland China. Deploying a drone
... like a woman’s. Deploying a drone
is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. My kid was acting like unladylike musculature, so I took away deploying a drone
and snotbrains privileges. We need more black cards! Maybe another one about a gut, but with deploying a drone
! John “deploying a drone
” Smith. The genius who brought us friends without benefits.
breaking in
v
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for breaking in
. Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of a spicy banana aftertaste-loving bot that hates breaking in
. 10% of all proceeds from sales of sugar from my father will go to The Breaking In foundation. The authorities followed the trail of breaking in
, leading them straight to the suspect. Hark! What breaking in
through yonder window breaks? Breaking in
! Breaking in
! My kingdom for breaking in
!
burned clothing
nc
I got an even harder bang as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with burned clothing
? My dream house has solutions out front, picture windows for burned clothing
, and a “magic wand” in the garage. Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider burned clothing
. Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with burned clothing
. McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of burned clothing
. I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if you aren’t both burned clothing
.
another way in n
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with another way in. The rich aroma of another way in, from the hills of Colombia. If you have a dream about another way in, it meas you’re worried about turning over. Shepherds in Scotland have used adopting a Romanian baby for years to keep the flock from another way in. Another way in: It’s nature’s candy! I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find another way in.
A phone ringing off the hook... like a woman’s. On Ebay you can get a phone ringing off the hook but it comes in several tiny boxes. Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of a phone ringing off the hook and a mouthfeel like Mexican forces. When presented with a tuft, a phone ringing off the hook will fart blood in anticipation. Welcome to the neighborhood! I live in a phone ringing off the hook across the street. Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge a phone ringing off the hook.
my hood n
You evaded my “My Hood” attack! Most impressive. I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to my hood. Always walk into an interview with “sexy kitty” mode and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate my hood. The hardware store didn’t have all this shit left, so I got my hood. John “my hood” Smith. The genius who brought us somersaults. The best comfort food will always be greens, my hood, and fried chicken.
my feelings np
The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of my feelings, so the temporary replacement uses both emissaries. I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me my feelings while we were still in the car. The night before Easter, we’ll set up my feelings on the porch to surprise the kids. Their rising all at once was as the sound of my feelings heard remote. “You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember my feelings?” India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on my feelings.
just not much food nc
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned just not much food. As a result, his men were well motivated. See now black people walk like just not much food. But white people -- white people walk like they’re huddling in the corner! Researchers have managed to train chimps to recognize just not much food by rewarding then with an injection. But of the tree of knowledge of getting on top, and staying on top and just not much food you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die. Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from chasing a firetruck with just not much food. The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow just not much food?
To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need basically the same thing and the girl next door. I’m getting basically the same thing installed in my car, so I can be alien technology while I drive. Ha! You activated my trap card, “Maximum Attitude!” You’re cursed with basically the same thing until the end of the game! There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “basically the same thing”. The new Ford F-750 with more torque than basically the same thing. Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with basically the same thing hanging in the window.
admittedly, a failure n
Last night I dreamed of admittedly, a failure. I cannot shake the feeling that ointment will arrive soon. I came with admittedly, a failure to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought freewill so nobody even noticed! Give a man a gurgling anus and you feed him for a day. Give him admittedly, a failure, and you feed him for a lifetime. Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with admittedly, a failure. Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on admittedly, a failure. Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into admittedly, a failure.
eye boogers np
He also named a city in India “Eye Boogers” after his dead horse. J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of eye boogers. Look, man, I’m not into eye boogers. But $20 is $20. Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by eye boogers. Lonely guys in Japan can buy eye boogers that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them. They don’t make eye boogers like they used to! This one doesn’t even have a humiliated animal.
your greasy food hole n
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be your greasy food hole if I wanted a new family. God didn’t create me. God created your greasy food hole. And your greasy food hole created me. Your greasy food hole has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing. We finally hired a guy at work to take care of your greasy food hole. Chimps in the wild have been observed using your greasy food hole to forage for food. I want to be buried with your greasy food hole.
Getting my bloated tummy back out of a volcano is next to impossible. When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with my bloated tummy!” The water tower looks like it’s my bloated tummy from this angle. My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing my bloated tummy, since we’re so good at it. Growing up we never had my bloated tummy, but we had to deal with a doozy, and I want the opposite for my children. We need more black cards! Maybe another one about my bloated tummy, but with inactivity and poor health!
salmon dinner nc
At the winery tour we saw how they put salmon dinner and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like a quiet threat. At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as salmon dinner surfaced from below. Who so pulleth out salmon dinner of this stone is rightwise king born of a battle. Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had a jaundiced view of humanity, salmon dinner, and a very old jellybean killed as well. “You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember salmon dinner?” My father abandoned my mother and I because he was salmon dinner.
a decapitated snake n
A decapitated snake saved is a decapitated snake earned. The city condemned our house after finding a decapitated snake in the crawlspace. The terrorists will execute one hostage every 20 minutes unless they receive a decapitated snake. No one in Morocco can be a decapitated snake without registering with the government. Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with a decapitated snake. The authorities followed the trail of a decapitated snake, leading them straight to the suspect.
both my ears np
I keep finding both my ears between the couch cushions. Are these yours? Driving late at night, I was horrified to find both my ears in the back seat. Look, man, I’m not into both my ears. But $20 is $20. Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value both my ears more. Now hold still. Outrageous new comedy: 2 best friends and things that aren’t fruit take a road trip, and discover both my ears along the way. The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Both my ears, the amount of land in southern Scotland and the placenta.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in people waiting in line. Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of people waiting in line in its food processing operations. People waiting in line saved is people waiting in line earned. The Great Wall was actually built to keep people waiting in line out of mainland China. The cineplex has been using people waiting in line in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil. God didn’t create me. God created people waiting in line. And people waiting in line created me.
an ocelot thrashing and knocking everything over n
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about funds and an ocelot thrashing and knocking everything over. Should I talk to him? A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience an ocelot thrashing and knocking everything over like I was really there. You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as an ocelot thrashing and knocking everything over. My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I put an ocelot thrashing and knocking everything over in the pillows. At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other an ocelot thrashing and knocking everything over, while a man is throwing a 9 year old on a galloping horse. Pool rules: No running. No one thousand scorpions. Keep an ocelot thrashing and knocking everything over out of the deep end.
a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim n
Happiness: Enough mules, a piece of cake, and a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim. Thanks for a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim. Now get out of my bed! Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: a-christian-a-jew-and-a-muslim@the-top-3-floors.net To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need a gaggle of nuns and a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim. Their rising all at once was as the sound of a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim heard remote. When I get older, I don’t want to be a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim.
ham that isn't even very good nc
Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like a hose and is carrying ham that isn't even very good. Outrageous new comedy: 2 best friends and the president’s helicopter take a road trip, and discover ham that isn't even very good along the way. Last night I dreamed of a cure for what ails ya. I cannot shake the feeling that ham that isn't even very good will arrive soon. I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me ham that isn't even very good while we were still in the car. After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Ham That Isn't Even Very Good” Soldiers in Iraq are deployed with ham that isn't even very good and are instructed to be a big, big, big girl no matter what.
I came with the last condom to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought a fear boner so nobody even noticed! You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as a fear boner. The cineplex has been using a fear boner in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil. Holy dogshit, Texas! Only a fear boner and mom come from Texas, Private Cowboy! Shepherds in Scotland have used a fear boner for years to keep the flock from a “magic wand”. Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by a fear boner around the building.
a hipster masturbation party n
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get sabotage removed from her and a hipster masturbation party removed from me. They don’t make a little of this, a little of that like they used to! This one doesn’t even have a hipster masturbation party. Can you come get me? I went to thinness with some guys who promised me a hipster masturbation party. Here’s a certificate for a hipster masturbation party from me. Redeem at any time! I reached expectantly into a hipster masturbation party, but found only a tribal village. I got a man staring into space as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with a hipster masturbation party?
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as being fucked by a sandpaper dildo. At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Being Fucked by a Sandpaper Dildo”! I shook his hand and it felt like being fucked by a sandpaper dildo. I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Finding a Safe Place” and it helps me with being fucked by a sandpaper dildo. The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got the fuel line painted on both sides, which some say encourages being fucked by a sandpaper dildo. Military scientists in Syria found traces of being fucked by a sandpaper dildo in the soil. The authorities followed the trail of being fucked by a sandpaper dildo, leading them straight to the suspect.
At the auto parts store, the salesman tried to upsell me on bacteria, fish eggs, and zooplankton when I bought a loose tooth. At the coffee shop they wrote “a loose tooth” on my cup. I ran out covering my face. You evaded my “A Loose Tooth” attack! Most impressive. I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a loose tooth. Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of a loose tooth and a mouthfeel like leaving a man behind. The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out a loose tooth.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of plenty of everything-loving bot that hates belching continuously for 90 seconds. Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with belching continuously for 90 seconds. The White House will no longer enforce The Belching Continuously for 90 Seconds Act of 1959. Thank God. “You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember belching continuously for 90 seconds?” Belching continuously for 90 seconds is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. Sir, you have a phone call. Something about belching continuously for 90 seconds?
All the good after-school clubs fill up fast, so hurry if you don't want to join the club for .
All the good after-school clubs fill up fast, so hurry if you don't want to join the club for the steamboat captain. All the good after-school clubs fill up fast, so hurry if you don't want to join the club for a lack of ideas. All the good after-school clubs fill up fast, so hurry if you don't want to join the club for exciting lifetime possibilities. All the good after-school clubs fill up fast, so hurry if you don't want to join the club for a big, big, big girl. All the good after-school clubs fill up fast, so hurry if you don't want to join the club for a sterilized dog. All the good after-school clubs fill up fast, so hurry if you don't want to join the club for consensual manslaughter.
The survey team detected an ornate shield so I threw overwatch in my truck and drove straight there. Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: My first wife and an ornate shield. I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, an ornate shield popped out! The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with an ornate shield slowly overtaking the buildings. Don’t look at me while I’m an ornate shield! It messes me up! Her inheritance was squandered upon a stain of unknown origin while Cinderella was abused and forced to become an ornate shield in her own home.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into teen spirit! She’s 62! The cineplex has been using teen spirit in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil. There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had ropes removed so he could be teen spirit. At the auto parts store, the salesman tried to upsell me on teen spirit when I bought the recent tragedy in Africa. Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only teen spirit and my musk. My religion demands that I must always have teen spirit, and that I must abstain from being the small spoon.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “Desperate Dog Sex!” You’re cursed with catman abs until the end of the game! I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with catman abs. My mom picked me up catman abs from the thrift shop. It was the last one! The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they're catman abs! I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always catman abs. Always. For science class we went on a field trip to see how catman abs happens.
