The intricacies of Wood Elven reproductive compatibility

aaronjer
*****'n Admin

2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧

So... I had a dream a little minute ago. Instead of explaining things exactly as they happened, I'll explain it in a way that makes more sense.

It was a fairly generic medieval D&Dish setting. Towns, castles, swords and magic and such. I was a sorcerer working for a king, nobody but the king knew that I was actually the last of an ancient cabal of demons that was supposed to have been wiped off the world millennia ago. The king suddenly up and died, and everyone assumed that I was playing the "treacherous vizier" role and had assassinated him and was planning on usurping the throne. I had nothing to do with his death, and I had no interest in ruling the kingdom, so their suspicious and attempts to yield to me were without necessity.

The king had no family, and so the nobles of the kingdom decided to form a republic. The Senate apparently expected that I would join them or at least go away. I did neither. I stuck around in the castle because I had a really good setup going there, I had a whole floor to myself for magical experiments and sexy parties. Nobody was willing to try to force me out, because they knew I would probably throw a fireball at them or something. Also they didn't want to come to my floor and talk to me because demons wandered freely throughout the halls there... and they might get eaten by a succubus or something. As a side note, the nobles would not stop trying to warn me about the dangers of a man trying to summon and control succubi... what they didn't know was that I had created them thousands of years ago, and was in no danger of being seduced by my own offspring.

The Senate decided to send their armies into an allied country to help stop a genocidal invasion. I was all like, "Hey! Can I come too?!" and they were all like, "No.", but then I was all like, "Too bad! I'm coming anyway!". And so I did. The country we were aiding was the home of the very secluded and isolationist... I'll call them "Wood Elves". I never actually asked what kind of elves they were. By the time we reached their ransacked homeland, however, it had been completely destroyed. Due to my own explosively powerful intervention, the pillaging army (which consisted of just men, I think) was quickly routed. The land had used to be a forest, but was almost completely burned to the ground. The invaders were very thorough, and I only managed to find 2 survivors among the ruins, and as far as we and they knew, the only living Wood Elves left in the entire world. Unfortunately for them, they were both female. Other than being minorly injured and a little singed, they were both total hotties. I never asked, but they looked like they could have been sisters. They wore light metallic armor over dark green and silver dresses. Due to that and the longswords they carried I came to the concluded that they were soldiers. They had very interesting and identical tattoos on the left side of their faces that looked somewhat abstracted like curling branches and a few leaves. They were pale, tall and sported long voluminous brown hair. Whoever designed them even subconsciously was clearly me.

The elven women came with us back to our country, and back to our castle. They were immediately vocal about their distress pertaining to the likely annihilation of their species. Their kind hadn't enough genetic similarity to reproduce with humans or even other kinds of elves. Even if they found a surviving male, the genetic bottleneck would likely see them wiped out after only a few generations anyway. We discussed all of this in detail. I sent out my demonic children to see if they could find any Wood Elves who had gone to live in other countries. The two elven women reminded me of their isolationist policies, and that no Wood Elf had left their country of their own volition during the existence of their kind.

One of the succubi mentioned that incubi were capable of reproducing with any humanoid species, via a magical and much less genetically reliant method. This, however, would result in children that were far more demon than anything else... and did not satisfy the Wood Elves as a method for saving their species. This reminded me however, that as the creator of the succubi and incubi, I was capable of magically reproducing with any living thing. Seriously. Anything. Fish, bugs, plankton. Whatever it was, I could get lucky with it. The result of this sort of pregnancy produces offspring that is one-half genetically similar to the female, and one-half somewhat magically genetically randomized... and just a little bit on the demonic side. They still weren't fond of this idea, because it would mean that even if their offspring were male, the only way for their species to continue reproducing without "genetically" inbreeding would be with me. They were rather disgusted about my description of how that's also the only way to get more succubi and incubi, and how that seemed to be working out just fine. As a side note, succubi and incubi could only produce demonic versions of other species, and were incapable of reproducing with each other.

The elven women were not happy with my solution, and seemed to be of the opinion that it would be better for their race to disappear into oblivion than to be completely dependent on a demon for survival, and to have demonic blood running through their veins. I simply would not accept that, because I really, really wanted to have sex with them, and they certainly weren't going to do it just for fun. They quickly became aware of my intentions due to my lack of effort to hide them, and this only made them even more for the idea of facing annihilation. I remember well only one short conversation I had with one of them that went like this:

Elf Girl: "I don't think you'd make a very good father."

Me: "Actually, I hadn't even thought about that."

Elf Girl: "Exactly."

I decided to try and show that I had some devotion to their cause by going out myself to look for any Wood Elves in other places. Those I had sent out to find any earlier reported that they had found only one. Supposedly, a Wood Elf had been captured a long time ago by a powerful sorcerer, and he was now holding them in a dark tower in the middle of a lifeless desert. I was able to quickly bend my way through dimensions until arrived at the outer reaches of a magical barrier the sorcerer had erected to keep people like me from teleporting into his living room. Strangely, there was a guide waiting for me, sent by the sorcerer, to show me the way to the tower. Apparently one of my succubi had spoken to him about me. After about 10 miles into the desert by horseback, the guide had really gotten on my nerves. He wouldn't shut up about his family, and kept telling all kinds of pointless anecdotes about how precious his children were. After my subtle hints weren't enough to shut him up, I bashed him over the head and left him unconscious in the middle of the night out in the freezing desert where he probably died. Good riddance.

Upon arriving at the tower, which was at the end of a straight line of a road (What was the guide for!?) I found the front doors to be open. The sorcerer was waiting for me, he already knew who and what I was and had no intentions of attacking me. He greeted me as a friend and colleague, for he used demonic sorcery just like I did. He was a tall and very old middle-eastern man. He wore a red turban and black and gold robes. He had somewhat messy black make-up of some sort around his eyes. He moved like an old man, but I could tell it was a Yoda-esque act, and that he was entire capable of great and destructive feats of strength and magic. He showed me that he did indeed have an Elf held captive in his tower... although I really couldn't tell the differences between elven species. I honestly had no idea if she was the right kind of elf. She was different from the other two, she was very short (probably no more than 5' 2"), had darker complexion and black hair. I wasn't sure of her height because the sorcerer was keeping her in such a small cage that she couldn't even stand up or move more than a few inches in any direction. She had probably been there for hundreds of years, and I'm sure she'd lost her mind long ago due to the captivity and the experiments the sorcerer used her for.

I walked into the room she was kept in before the sorcerer, and when she saw me I'm sure she hadn't seen anyone but him in a very long time. She looked almost as if she was happily surprised and that I might rescue her, until the sorcerer casually walked in after me and made it clear we weren't enemies. I actually did consider killing the sorcerer and taking the girl back with me... but I wasn't completely sure I'd win in a duel with him, and he'd make a great partner for magical research. What I really wanted to do was have him bring his operation back to my castle, where we could perform dark arts together, and REALLY annoy the new republic. He'd have thousands of demons at his disposal that he wouldn't even have to put effort into controlling, and I'd make a friend! I also might be able to get the Elf to go along with my reproduction plan! She was crazy anyway, I'm sure she wouldn't even think about how it would all work like those overly pragmatic and analytical sisters.

Sadly... I never found out if any of this would work out... because I woke up. If I forgot anything important Crytax or Zarathustra will probably yell at me. The End.

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2008 Oct 30 at 06:07 UTC