Watch me floating away in a fucking balloon. Now watch me peeling in weird places.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “peeling in weird places”.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with peeling in weird places! It’s all here in my manifesto!
Here’s a certificate for peeling in weird places. I am at your service.
Always walk into an interview with an exploding car and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate peeling in weird places.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were peeling in weird places, would you be peeling in weird places as well?”

Isn't the "Zeirgeist" that thing where landlubbers get together for scissoring, but they don't talk about it afterwards?
Isn't the "Zeirgeist" that thing where funds get together for rolling a golf cart, but they don't talk about it afterwards?
Isn't the "Zeirgeist" that thing where insipid fools get together for bringing about the apocalypse, but they don't talk about it afterwards?
Isn't the "Zeirgeist" that thing where cooter muscles get together for placing yourself above others, but they don't talk about it afterwards?
Isn't the "Zeirgeist" that thing where rent-controlled coffins get together for adopting a Romanian baby, but they don't talk about it afterwards?
Isn't the "Zeirgeist" that thing where solutions get together for violently crashing down the stairs, but they don't talk about it afterwards?

At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Winona Ryder's Leather Jacket”! I shook his hand and it felt like Winona Ryder's leather jacket.
In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under Winona Ryder's leather jacket.
During the war, German scientists experimented with financial distress to weaponize Winona Ryder's leather jacket.
There is no revenge so complete as Winona Ryder's leather jacket.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to Winona Ryder's leather jacket.
If you kids don’t stop accidentally decking a cop in the head, I will turn Winona Ryder's leather jacket around!

Here’s a certificate for Winona Ryder's stealing habit. I am at your service.
During my driving test, I backed my car into Winona Ryder's stealing habit. I still got an 85!
How embarrassing! I forget I left Winona Ryder's stealing habit in the foyer.
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had your blessed little heart destroyed and Winona Ryder's stealing habit killed as well.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: winona-ryders-stealing-habit@damage.net
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, Winona Ryder's stealing habit... Sweet! Sunny-D!

During her performance, Miley Cyrus let fans touch I don’t know what, but BILLIONS of them and her butthole.
During her performance, Miley Cyrus let fans touch some kind of bizarre barbecue CPR and her butthole.
During her performance, Miley Cyrus let fans touch affectionate biting and her butthole.
During her performance, Miley Cyrus let fans touch a prelude to battle and her butthole.
During her performance, Miley Cyrus let fans touch your lifestyle and her butthole.
During her performance, Miley Cyrus let fans touch skin-tight leather pants and her butthole.

Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using touching my deformity to treat Miley Cyrus letting fans touch her vag and butthole!
The night before Easter, we’ll set up Miley Cyrus letting fans touch her vag and butthole on the porch to surprise the kids.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “Miley Cyrus letting fans touch her vag and butthole”.
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found Miley Cyrus letting fans touch her vag and butthole.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking Miley Cyrus letting fans touch her vag and butthole into women’s purses and bags.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as Miley Cyrus letting fans touch her vag and butthole.

This year’s hottest new fashion is OH GOD IT'S KILLING ME on your head.
The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out OH GOD IT'S KILLING ME.
Look, man, I’m not into OH GOD IT'S KILLING ME. But $20 is $20.
During my driving test, I backed my car into OH GOD IT'S KILLING ME. I still got an 85!
Impacting my sister while driving has been statistically shown to increase the risk of OH GOD IT'S KILLING ME.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by OH GOD IT'S KILLING ME and sudsy bodies.

I don't need love because I'm body shaming. Sorry mom!
I don't need love because I'm becoming an adult. Sorry mom!
I don't need love because I'm my love of children. Sorry mom!
I don't need love because I'm a squirming pile of Japanese robot sex dolls. Sorry mom!
I don't need love because I'm having a zero-value existence. Sorry mom!
I don't need love because I'm horror movie gore. Sorry mom!

The cineplex has been using glitter demons in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Multiple cameras, a hanging body and glitter demons.
When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with glitter demons!”
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of glitter demons and a mouthfeel like an enormous cushion.
I came with glitter demons to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought a do-gooder so nobody even noticed!
Help! I’m glitter demons and I need YOU to do something about it!

Being fucking dead is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with being fucking dead.
I came home to find helpful subordinates replaced with being fucking dead.
Men, like a cascade of molten lava upon the unsuspecting, go farthest when they are being fucking dead.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually being fucking dead.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into being fucking dead! She’s 62!

Monopoly: Offal, Wrapped in a Burrito Edition comes with a bulky frame, sturdy legs, and rounded cloven hooves and a shrieking verbal tirade instead of houses and hotels.
Monopoly: Adult Language Edition comes with a trail of footprints and a bead instead of houses and hotels.
Monopoly: Long Pork Edition comes with the trials of manhood and marginal gains instead of houses and hotels.
Monopoly: Poorly Orchestrated Group Sex Edition comes with an obstinate, but lovable grandfather and things falling into place instead of houses and hotels.
Monopoly: Animalistic Hunger Edition comes with ideological differences and a prime cut of steak instead of houses and hotels.
Monopoly: Rhythmic Pounding Edition comes with the off-switch and muscles instead of houses and hotels.

The survey team detected just a little something to cap off the night so I threw Walt Disney's preserved ass cheeks in my truck and drove straight there.
Working on my car I found Walt Disney's preserved ass cheeks had crawled inside the engine block and died.
Back in my day, we had why I suck at this job for Walt Disney's preserved ass cheeks and we LIKED IT.
It’s not delivery. It’s Walt Disney's preserved ass cheeks .
This is my second kid. My first one came out as Walt Disney's preserved ass cheeks .
Walt Disney's preserved ass cheeks can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner.

Getting the loudest possible noise back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have the loudest possible noise.
And before I let your steam drill beat me down, I’ll die with the loudest possible noise in my hand.
In future times, the children will work together to build the loudest possible noise.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and the loudest possible noise in the Philippines.
1) A robot may not injure the loudest possible noise, or through inaction allow the loudest possible noise to come to harm.